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UmmKira 11-20-2012 03:51 AM

DH watches kid like grandparent
I'm starting to wonder if my husband is the only one who watches his daughter like a grandparent would. Don't get me wrong, he's a great dad and husband, but it us 4:30am and I'm feeding DD2 because I couldn't keep her asleep anymore. DH popped his head in the room awhile ago saying she might be hungry... What the heck? I was gone for the evening at a meeting and he just had to make sure she ate dinner. Is that too much to ask?

He has her alone at least one day a week so it isn't like he had never been on his own before. Many times I get home with DD1 from fencing around 9pm, and DD2 is still awake, even though her bed time is 7:30. Or, if she is asleep, she's sleeping on the couch without her teeth brushed, and no night diaper. Ugh! If he was a babysitter, we would fire him!

I told him once to at least brush her teeth because my ex didn't make DD1 brush her teeth and she had awful problems with cavities. That helped for a while, but now he just keeps her up do I have to do everything.... After she is overtired and crabby.

I don't even think talking to him will do anything anymore. I feel like I complain to him about various things too often and I'm running out of complaining credit. :P It's all stuff like this though, that I don't feel like I can let go.

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MamaLump 11-20-2012 06:41 AM

I wouldn't go as far as saying that is normal or common, but it isn't uncommon either. DH is pretty good about bedtime. Terrible with brushing the teeth though, if I'm bit done it definitely isn't getting done. He does feed him dinner, but it isn't usually what I would've chosen. That being said, despite being "on the same page" with no TV for DS, he is frequently sitting on his Dad's lap at the computer watching YouTube videos of airplanes or tractors. And apparently it's ok for DH to watch football or a car race with DS in the room, or they have watched "This old house" together. The only one I really have a problem with is the football, and that is because of the commercials. Yeah, my 18 month old does not need to see the commercial for Assassin's Creed. Not cool. (Car races are downloaded from the Internet and so no commercials). Still I'd rather him not watch ANY TV and DH knows this and when we talk about it he agrees. In practice, not much. BUT, I've learned to respect the fact that DH is just as much of a parent as I am, and I try and respect his parenting decisions, even when I disagree.

R055ANA 11-20-2012 08:02 AM

Re: DH watches kid like grandparent
Hey there Ummkira!

I left my DH w/ my 4 girls last night for a couple hours and I wasn't pleased to what I came home to. He was tired and frustrated after a day @ work and he wanted to be left alone. I didn't find this out until I had already returned from my meeting and been home for several hours, had I known when he came home I would have taken them w/ me and had them waiting outside the room. Anyway he told them to stop getting their snacks and to just go upstairs to watch their library DVDs. He even complained to my DD when she stayed on the phone w/ my mother because my mom had called not knowing I wasn't home.

Really I expect things to not go exactly my way when I leave them w/ DH but to just watch DVDs the most of the time and to be told to stay upstairs most of the time I was gone so he could be alone was very disappointing. To his credit he is usually not this terrible.

Sadly Ummkira, set yourself up to not expect him to put her to bed @ the right time or brush her teeth even though you should try request he brush her teeth before she falls asleep. It's great you are trying not to complain too much.

Hopefully things will get better.

blackbirdmama*3 11-20-2012 08:07 AM

Re: DH watches kid like grandparent
My dh has done things like that before. Once he fed the boys a bag of pretzels all day because he didn't want to cook! He has gotten a lot better since then after he realized he really needed to step up as a dad. I would have a heart to heart talk with him and let him know that the way they are raised now influences the kind of teenager and adult they will become. Once my dh realized they are little sponges and the boys started being really lazy with stuff he changed for the most part. There are still some days when he really slacks off but 99% of the time doesn't.

mibarra 11-20-2012 09:11 AM

Re: DH watches kid like grandparent
If he keeps her up late and doesn't feed her, he needs to be the one up at 4:30 dealing with her, period. It's his own fault. He's a parent, and needs to be responsible and take better care of his child. I put my foot down hard on DH about this with DD1, and now we have no issues. He doesn't do everything the way I would, but if I'm gone, they are feed, cleaned, changed, and dressed appropriately.

Erinne 11-20-2012 09:54 AM

Re: DH watches kid like grandparent
I had the exact same evening last week. I had a meeting at dd's preschool and I could have brought her there for childcare, but dh said he wanted to to come home early and be with her. They played and went to the park and had a lot of fun, so I felt really b-tchy complaining, but I got home like an hour after she should have been ready for bed and nothing had been done. I know for us, dh just doesn't get how much harder it is to get them ready for bed when they're already tired and grouchy. I wasn't as nice about it as I should have been, I guess, but hopefully it won't happen again. We'll see.
Anyway, yeah, I totally understand and it's not just you.

stephbrown13 11-20-2012 10:20 AM

Re: DH watches kid like grandparent
My DH does things like this sometimes too. He is a great dad, and so involved... but he doesn't understand the consequences that come from missed naps/late bedtimes/bad food choices, because he usually isn't the one to deal with them. Mostly I feel like he's bad at multi tasking. If he's alone with the kids he will play with them the whole time (which I do appreciate, it's not like he's trying to ignore them) but will TRASH the house and forget to make meals so they're eating oatmeal and cheese for dinner.

If he was a babysitter, I'd fire him too:) I know its important to play with the kids, but other things have to get done too and they need things like baths and good meals and dinner and bed on time even if they don't think so at the moment.

If I'm going to be gone, I make a list. Yes he's the parent too and I shouldn't have to micromanage, but if I want their teeth brushed, a decent dinner, and them in bed by a certain time its not likely to get done without a list. That said, when I get home and the baby is still awake and he claims he tried to put him to bed but he wouldn't go down, or the 2 year old insisted on having only nuts for dinner and refused to take a bath, even if I feel like it would have been different if I was home I don't get mad at him or say anything because I know he tried. I want him to be confident and want to spend time with the kids, not feel micromanaged.

And yeah, I'd have made him get up and deal with DD2 if she's up that early because of something he did or didn't do and probably mentioned "this happens if she doesn't dinner :)" Its like a natural consequence!

SaraElise 11-20-2012 12:11 PM

Re: DH watches kid like grandparent
I think you need to sit down and figure out a plan/dinner and bedtime schedule together so it's not so much you telling what he should be doing with her, but the two of you making parenting decisions together. Consistency is key when dealing with kids, and inconsistent schedules from the 2 of you doesn't help anyone out.

My DH is great with the kids, doesn't always do everything exactly as I would, but we talk about what our plan is going to be and then whoever is home follows through.

There are times I come home and the kids are sleeping in their clothes (sweatpants and a t-shirt), or I am sure there has been a night or two he forgot to brush their teeth, but overall we try and stick on the same page since he is not just babysitting, they are his kids too.

badmisterkitty 11-20-2012 12:16 PM

Re: DH watches kid like grandparent
Add my hubby to this list. He gets all the fun, none of the hard work. He's lazy. It's not a secret, but I pity my poor, tired, hungry kids because he's too busy watching football all weekend to make them a proper meal or make sure they rest. Every so often he'll make some backhand comment about how all he did is feed the baby all day. You know what? I would LOVE to sit around and do nothing but feed the baby all day.

I've had it out with him many times over the years that I need help. We each have a defined list of chores, but I deal with all the little stuff. Stuff like clipping fingernails, washing diapers, picking up that toy that's been on the floor for a week, stuff like that. I have a very, very real fear that he wouldn't be able to do it if i ever died. They'd eat ramen and hotdogs every single day and wear outgrown clothes and their teeth would rot out of their mouths.

It's maddening. I bust my a** for our family. I've told him over and over if he's sitting around and I'm working on house chores, he needs to get is rear end off the couch and help me do them. I don't do them for fun, that's for sure. He's just so obsessed with sports. If it's not a commercial break or halftime, forget it. I hate it.

luvsviola 11-20-2012 12:25 PM

Re: DH watches kid like grandparent
What my mom (aka daycare) does for DH when he has the kids (which is rare, but she occasionally takes a day off), is to write out the kids schedule. She does it down to
8 am shoes on
8:05 brush hair
8:10 potty
8:15 open front door and watch for bus-don't forget backpack and lunch
8:20 bus

You have to be extremely specific with some dads since they don't do this every day.

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