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-   -   Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist? (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1484436)

badmisterkitty 01-23-2013 07:41 AM

Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?
 
I've been thinking about something....I see a lot of mamas on here talk about their husbands who aren't able to do anything beyond basic child care on their "watch." Like, mom goes to the grocery store and when she returns the house is a mess, and the kids were basically just fed & diapered. My husband is no exception.

But it got me to wondering, how did the men in our lives turn out like this? How can they not notice toys on the floor or long fingernails or that the silverware drawer needs organizing?

I can be left alone with all 3 kids and do 4 loads of laundry, clean the entire kitchen, organize a closet, feed them a simple nutritious meal, and anything else that needs doing. He's left alone and they are fed cereal or hot dogs, diapered minimally, and the entire house looks like the toybox blew up. No dishes were washed (or even cleared from the table) and literally nothing else has been done, not even essential things like brushing teeth.

I have to make all dr's appts, TAKE them to all dr's appts, make school lunch, make sure DD has everything ready for school, do diaper laundry, clip nails, dress & undress the kids every day, brush teeth, comb hair, clean up any and all clutter and messes, take care of all organizing, I manage the hand me downs and make sure their clothes and shoes fit, I keep track of everything we need to buy, I buy everything, I am responsible for packing for trips and outings, I handle all coats, boots, hats, mittens when we leave the house, I bathe the babies, I pick up toys, I make beds and fold blankets, I dust, I open and close curtains, I cook every single meal, dispense snacks, fill sippy cups, make formula, and the list really goes on and on.

My hubby's responsiblities are:
bills
garbage
lawn care (not gardening)
vacuuming
washing dishes
bathe older kids
putting away clothes (but I wash everything, fold it and sort it first)

That's all good & fine, but I do all of those things sometimes, too, and he never does any of the things on my list. I have serious concerns that if God took me from this earth that my kids would not survive.

Anyhow, I guess I'm wondering why men are like this? Do they really not see it? How did they survive on their own for any length of time?

escapethevillage 01-23-2013 08:05 AM

Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?
 
This is going to sound offensive. But, I have always felt like it's their parents. Less is expected of boys than girls as children.

Video games have been a part of their lives since they were little...so, when they have some time, they want to play video games, and they stay up half the night, then want to sleep in because they didn't get to bed on time, so they don't spend as much time on the family commitments. Men often see that "going to work" is the only contribution they should make. Even if their wife works, she is still expected to do all of the other things.


I have friends with grown sons, and they were babied, rescued, never given consequences, never expected to help around the house, etc. One friend hired two men from outside of Home Depot (complete strangers) picked them up, brought them to her house just so they could go in the attic and get her Christmas ornaments down for her. While her 17 and 21 yr old sons sat on the couch playing video games. She hired someone to mow her lawn when she was on food stamps too, she couldn't afford to pay her bills, but her boys were not going to do manual labor.

They are understandably useless adults now. Way more extreme than most, but, you get the idea. We need to expect more from boys while they are boys, and all the daughters in law will appreciate it later.

EmmaGM 01-23-2013 08:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by escapethevillage (Post 16194391)
This is going to sound offensive. But, I have always felt like it's their parents. Less is expected of boys than girls as children.

Video games have been a part of their lives since they were little...so, when they have some time, they want to play video games, and they stay up half the night, then want to sleep in because they didn't get to bed on time, so they don't spend as much time on the family commitments. Men often see that "going to work" is the only contribution they should make. Even if their wife works, she is still expected to do all of the other things.

I have friends with grown sons, and they were babied, rescued, never given consequences, never expected to help around the house, etc. One friend hired two men from outside of Home Depot (complete strangers) picked them up, brought them to her house just so they could go in the attic and get her Christmas ornaments down for her. While her 17 and 21 yr old sons sat on the couch playing video games. She hired someone to mow her lawn when she was on food stamps too, she couldn't afford to pay her bills, but her boys were not going to do manual labor.

They are understandably useless adults now. Way more extreme than most, but, you get the idea. We need to expect more from boys while they are boys, and all the daughters in law will appreciate it later.

While I totally agree with you, I'm also kind of lost. Your extreme example is exactly how I was raised. I never had any chores, never had to work or earn anything, never cooked for myself, etc etc. The first time I lived on my own I had to look up YouTube videos about how to clean a floor. I still have to Google a LOT of things.

But now I'm a domestic goddess, if I may say. But why was it I that had to have a total transformation while dh claims he "just doesn't see" the mess?

l_Kimmie_l 01-23-2013 08:11 AM

Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?
 
I am lucky. My DH can manage all 4 children, clean, cook, do laundry, all while with his back out and sick. He cooks every day, unless he is out of commission which is rare. He does all the laundry, changes bums, picks up the toys, takes the garbage out when the teen is not home, and is very useful around the house. I would not trade him for the world. He says my job is the baby and breastfeeding while he is still nursing. He also knows I have fibro and osteoarthritis that is disabling. He has also been a single working parent to his older children. I cannot complain about my DH, even though he does love video games. All his priorities are met first.

Almacham 01-23-2013 08:18 AM

Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?
 
I agree with escapethevillage. It's not offensive at all to me. It's just the truth. My brother is 21 years old and can't do jack crap for himself, from organizing/cleaning to cooking to even driving. His gf or my aunt have to do it.

My SO is somewhat like that. He can do a little cleaning (not everyday), takes out the trash, enforces time outs, pays bills (for now), and cook three meals (macaroni and cheese, stir fry and soup, two of which I help him with and none of which he's made in two months now). Beyond that, it's all on me... Even his chores won't be done if I don't direct him to do so. I blame his mom, bless her. She really coddled him and it shows. She still takes care of everything around here when she "visits" and he's perfectly fine with letting her.

Bellaroo 01-23-2013 08:19 AM

Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?
 
I don't think it is fair to say that most men are ill-equipped to survive. -Our society has a horrible habit of making it sound like men are ignorant fools who are totally incapable of functioning or parenting on their own (those Daddy Huggies commercials are just one example). We raise our boys in this atmosphere and then criticize our husbands when they don't meet our standard. If my DH is less skilled in some areas (like seeing that the cutlery drawer needs to be organized) he certainly makes up for it in other ways that I would thunder-in on. We complement each other rather than each sharing the same skill set.

Also, even though we might see different things as being important, I am 100% confident that if I were to die my husband could step in and take over raising our son and that he would do a wonderful job.

escapethevillage 01-23-2013 08:20 AM

Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by EmmaGM (Post 16194418)
While I totally agree with you, I'm also kind of lost. Your extreme example is exactly how I was raised. I never had any chores, never had to work or earn anything, never cooked for myself, etc etc. The first time I lived on my own I had to look up YouTube videos about how to clean a floor. I still have to Google a LOT of things.

But now I'm a domestic goddess, if I may say. But why was it I that had to have a total transformation while dh claims he "just doesn't see" the mess?

I kind of think even most women who were raised that way would still sit around waiting for the magic to happen. But, maybe when it doesn't just magically get cleaned, women will figure out before men will?

my2sweets 01-23-2013 08:30 AM

Dh confessed recently that when he is in charge he feels like he can only watch the kids. He isnt comfortable leaving the room(even more so with a newborn around) to do chores. He worries that something will happen or someone might need him so he sits on the couch, waits, and does the bare basics 'just in case'. Only when I return or get up(after he lets me sleep in) will he pick up toys, take out the trash, wash dishes, ect. It makes complete sense to me. I remember feeling the same way when dd1 was born. Difference is I learned how to multi-task and got over the feeling but since dh isnt caring for the kids all day everyday he isnt as comfortable with mutli-tasking on his 'duty'.

JennTheMomma 01-23-2013 08:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bellaroo
I don't think it is fair to say that most men are ill-equipped to survive. -Our society has a horrible habit of making it sound like men are ignorant fools who are totally incapable of functioning or parenting on their own (those Daddy Huggies commercials are just one example). We raise our boys in this atmosphere and then criticize our husbands when they don't meet our standard. If my DH is less skilled in some areas (like seeing that the cutlery drawer needs to be organized) he certainly makes up for it in other ways that I would thunder-in on. We complement each other rather than each sharing the same skill set.

Also, even though we might see different things as being important, I am 100% confident that if I were to die my husband could step in and take over raising our son and that he would do a wonderful job.

I agree.

badmisterkitty 01-23-2013 08:33 AM

Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?
 
Great conversation, keep it rolling! My MIL is the first to admit she expected nothing of her boys. So, I know where it's coming from, but can they not learn? At what point do you look at your frazzled wife and just do something, anything, to help her?

I used to feel like we had a good division of labor. When we had one kid and even when we had just 2 it was all good and fine. Now that we have 3, it's gotten out of hand. I spend most of my weekends and evenings trying to get the house in order, make plans for the future, and just generally trying to stay one step ahead, all with 2 demanding kids at my feet and one on my hip. I have actual guilt that he does most of the baby feeding and rocking these days because I am busy doing other things. I would LOVE to sit and rock a baby all evening, but nothing would get done.

I've decided my "project" for the week is to not pick up one single toy. Just see how long it takes him to figure it out.

I know I need to talk to him, but how many times can I say, "i need more help?" before he gets it? Just look around, fine something to do. It's not hard.


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