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-   -   Punishment for this? (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1493348)

MamaNae 02-20-2013 09:10 AM

Punishment for this?
 
So on Monday it was semi-nice so we were outside playing.

My 5 year old came over and asked for her mittens, they were in the van I told her to go ahead and get them since I was busy getting the baby's 3-wheeler out of the shed, he wanted to ride it.

A little bit later my older 2 (8 and 5) came running up to inform me that the van keys (the only set we have...the ignition key has a microchip in it to work with the factory security system so they're like $100 a key...we've never bought a 2nd) had *somehow* ended up on the porch roof.

I asked HOW they ended up on the porch roof...

The 8 year old says "Sister did it!" the 5 year old says "Brother did it!" Then DS1 says that he had the keys in his hand (he had taken them from the van where they were...no idea why) and DD tackled him and he lost grip on the keys and they flew onto the roof.

Now we're in a pickle because DH doesn't get home from work until 3:30 and we had a very important meeting we had to be at at 3:15.

So I text DH and tell him what's going on.

He ended up coming home at 'off time' rather than staying and getting an hour of overtime.

DH climbed onto the porch roof and found the keys...in the 2nd tier of gutters that are against the house, not on the porch at all.

I finally weasled the truth out of them. DS1 (the 8 year old) admitted to throwing the keys onto the roof. He admitted that DD was on the porch putting her mittens on and was no where near him when it happened.

So...

He threw the keys on the roof.

He lied about it multiple times.



He has this thing where he's been lying to get out of trouble which is absolutely stupid because I ALWAYS find out the truth and he ALWAYS gets into 100x more trouble than if he'd have told the truth. I HATE lying. I do not tolerate it in this house. Lying is the absolute worst thing he could possibly do in my eyes. I hate liars and now my own freaking kid is a freaking liar :cry:


Right now I'm going with 'grounded off everything except breathing' and he owes us $30 for DH's missed overtime. He will earn this by cleaning the entire house top to bottom (every single room) up to my standards.

it doesn't seem to be helping because he's pretty lazy and it's going to take him 4 months to pick up 3 things at this rate *sigh*

I've tried so many things (grounding, writing lines, spanking, yelling, room restriction, taking away favorite things, taking away privileges, early bedtime) he still doesn't get it...

I asked WHY he lied about the van keys and he says "I didn't want to get in trouble." to which I replied "Do you think I'm STUPID? I found out the dang truth didn't I? And then what happened?" and he says "I got in lots of trouble." so he KNOWS if he lies he gets in way more trouble than if he'd just tell the dang truth but he still lies!

tallanvor 02-20-2013 09:32 AM

Re: Punishment for this?
 
Keep him at your side for a couple of days. Everywhere you go, he goes.

vatblack 02-20-2013 09:34 AM

Re: Punishment for this?
 
In my opinion, it is a normal child reaction to getting into trouble. I do not think you should look at him as a liar in terms of a personality trait, but rather see it as a natural reaction from a child. I remember telling my dad whoppers for not wanting to get into trouble and got into worse too. My husband tells me how his dad used to look him in the eyes and said: I know you are not telling the truth, so you have a x minutes to think it through and tell me the truth. My husband does that with our children now. It is rather amusing listening to the conversations at times. I caught my 3 year old lying about stuff she does. Just thought I'd put that out there as a reassurance that I don't think your boy is really being bad.

As for punishment, I think working back the $30 is great but he should be on a schedule. He shouldn't be allowed to do it in his own sweet time - because I wonder how effective that would be. Maybe narrow down the tasks you need him to do and allocate a time of day to do that. Something you can check of each day so he can see more clearly how he is paying it back.

As for the grounding everything, I wonder if it isn't too much. I take it the grounding is for the lying. How about taking away just some privileges and letting him write out 20 times on a piece of paper: Honesty is the best policy. If I were honest with my mom, I would be able to _______. (enter privilege he has lost).

Just my take on it.

EmilytheStrange 02-20-2013 09:35 AM

Re: Punishment for this?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by tallanvor (Post 16310997)
Keep him at your side for a couple of days. Everywhere you go, he goes.

lol - this was exactly what I was going to say.

he can't be trusted, so he gets absolutely no freedom.

MamaNae 02-20-2013 09:37 AM

Re: Punishment for this?
 
It's becoming a habit of his to lie...he's done it over and over despite me telling him I never want him to lie...he does it anyway.

vatblack 02-20-2013 09:43 AM

Re: Punishment for this?
 
I get what you are saying, but I really think it is natural. It is something that they need reminding over and over again. If he thinks he will get a heavy punishment, he might lie just because he is so afraid of the consequences that it overrides his ability to think clearly.

That is the reason my husband is having those convos with the kids - are you sure you are telling the truth now? You can think about it twice because if I catch you out lying, I'm going to punish you in this way. It helps them focus and come clean.

Sometimes we let them write out their version of what happened so that they have even slower processing time.

I remember when I lied, my head felt hot, my gut twirled and all I could think is how much I will be in trouble if the truth came out that honesty will harm me. Fear can override rationality.

ETA: But I don't know your kid. I am just giving a different perspective. For some reason, I have a very vivid memory of those awkward times.

kimb96 02-20-2013 09:43 AM

Re: Punishment for this?
 
We are dealing with a lying 8 year old too. I try to stress with ds that if he tells the truth, the punishment will not be as bad. I give him an opportunity to tell the truth by letting him know what the punishment is and that it will be no more if he cops up to it and admits the truth. I try to stress that there are two different punishments so to speak. One for the offense and a second one for lying about it. So it seems like there is a reward for telling the truth in that he is getting a lighter punishment. This has worked to a degree. Sometimes he still tries to run with the lie but he has been telling the truth more often.

As for punishment, it doesn't sound like you have found his currency yet. Some things that have been effective for ds are taking away his ipod (But that has to be for like a week, one day doesn't do it anymore) having him stand in the corner, taking away tv for a week, or sending him to his room. There is nothing in his room except his bed, dresser, and books. No toys. I will send him there for a whole day except to use the bathroom and eat. Maybe you could try taking everything out of his room and having him spend a lengthy amount of time there. It's not much of a punishment if there are a bunch of stuff to play with in there.

Tris 02-20-2013 09:45 AM

Re: Punishment for this?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by vatblack (Post 16311009)
In my opinion, it is a normal child reaction to getting into trouble. I do not think you should look at him as a liar in terms of a personality trait, but rather see it as a natural reaction from a child. I remember telling my dad whoppers for not wanting to get into trouble and got into worse too. My husband tells me how his dad used to look him in the eyes and said: I know you are not telling the truth, so you have a x minutes to think it through and tell me the truth. My husband does that with our children now. It is rather amusing listening to the conversations at times. I caught my 3 year old lying about stuff she does. Just thought I'd put that out there as a reassurance that I don't think your boy is really being bad.

As for punishment, I think working back the $30 is great but he should be on a schedule. He shouldn't be allowed to do it in his own sweet time - because I wonder how effective that would be. Maybe narrow down the tasks you need him to do and allocate a time of day to do that. Something you can check of each day so he can see more clearly how he is paying it back.

As for the grounding everything, I wonder if it isn't too much. I take it the grounding is for the lying. How about taking away just some privileges and letting him write out 20 times on a piece of paper: Honesty is the best policy. If I were honest with my mom, I would be able to _______. (enter privilege he has lost).

Just my take on it.

This minus the writing bit. :thumbsup:

Also, make sure to reward when one of them does tell the truth, they watch each other and learn from siblings mistakes for sure!

MamaNae 02-20-2013 09:58 AM

Re: Punishment for this?
 
Yeah, DD got new socks and a hair bow for telling the truth from the get go...and I told her and I told DS1 "See, what DD gets? She got a brand new hair bow and some cool socks because she told the truth about how the keys wound up on the roof. Thank you, DD for telling the truth. It's always best to tell the truth."

Heh, he just told me "Well why didn't you tell me I'd only get X for throwing the keys on the roof if I told the truth!?" (pick up sticks, that's our go-to punishment for doing stupid stuff...it's dull and tedious and serves zero purpose but it really sucks to be made to walk around the yard picking up sticks...and we've had some blustery days so we have LOTS of sticks lying around LOL) I just hate that I have to remind him to tell the truth :( I feel like I failed as a parent since he's a liar...

vatblack 02-20-2013 10:05 AM

Re: Punishment for this?
 
LOL- Picking up sticks. I think I'm going to try that next time!

I think if he knows he has two options of punishment, he'll not lie as much. Again, I think you are too hard on yourself about the kid lying. I think he's just afraid and makes bad choices due to fear.


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