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First of all, I want to offer hugs to you. It can be SO hard.
Second, I felt the same way as you did. After I could not take it anymore, we started medicating a few years ago. It was HORRIBLE. We finally pulled him off. I looked at as I was supposed to be the stronger one, an I just had to deal with it.
Fast forward almost 3 years: he had improved tremendously, but it is still so hard at times. For him, for me, for his peers, our family, his teachers. His behaviors and the way I dealt with them vs the way dh dealt with them started forming a HUGE wedge between dh and I.
I ended up having to go on anxiety meds. I was a ball if nerves. It was so bad I thought I was having a heart attack at one point.
He recently begged to go back on to meds again. I kept going back and forth, because like you, I did not want to be "that mom" that can not handle her child with out meds. The one that just adds to the statistics of kids being on meds. But it dawned on me, if he truly needs it, and it helps him, than I am doing him a disservice if I do not try everything possible to help him. That does not make me a failure. That makes me a mon that loves her child very much, and is willing to go to the ends of the earth to make her child's life a little easier.
I have posted this saying before, but I feel that it is very fitting here:
Even though having a child with special needs can be extremely hard on us, it is not happening to us. It is happening to them. We are just along for the ride. However hard it is for us, it is 1000% harder for them. Whatever it may be that makes their lives easier, we need to try and accommodate. Just do your research and trust your gut.
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