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Old 01-23-2013, 07:41 AM   #1
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Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?

I've been thinking about something....I see a lot of mamas on here talk about their husbands who aren't able to do anything beyond basic child care on their "watch." Like, mom goes to the grocery store and when she returns the house is a mess, and the kids were basically just fed & diapered. My husband is no exception.

But it got me to wondering, how did the men in our lives turn out like this? How can they not notice toys on the floor or long fingernails or that the silverware drawer needs organizing?

I can be left alone with all 3 kids and do 4 loads of laundry, clean the entire kitchen, organize a closet, feed them a simple nutritious meal, and anything else that needs doing. He's left alone and they are fed cereal or hot dogs, diapered minimally, and the entire house looks like the toybox blew up. No dishes were washed (or even cleared from the table) and literally nothing else has been done, not even essential things like brushing teeth.

I have to make all dr's appts, TAKE them to all dr's appts, make school lunch, make sure DD has everything ready for school, do diaper laundry, clip nails, dress & undress the kids every day, brush teeth, comb hair, clean up any and all clutter and messes, take care of all organizing, I manage the hand me downs and make sure their clothes and shoes fit, I keep track of everything we need to buy, I buy everything, I am responsible for packing for trips and outings, I handle all coats, boots, hats, mittens when we leave the house, I bathe the babies, I pick up toys, I make beds and fold blankets, I dust, I open and close curtains, I cook every single meal, dispense snacks, fill sippy cups, make formula, and the list really goes on and on.

My hubby's responsiblities are:
bills
garbage
lawn care (not gardening)
vacuuming
washing dishes
bathe older kids
putting away clothes (but I wash everything, fold it and sort it first)

That's all good & fine, but I do all of those things sometimes, too, and he never does any of the things on my list. I have serious concerns that if God took me from this earth that my kids would not survive.

Anyhow, I guess I'm wondering why men are like this? Do they really not see it? How did they survive on their own for any length of time?
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Old 01-23-2013, 08:05 AM   #2
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Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?

This is going to sound offensive. But, I have always felt like it's their parents. Less is expected of boys than girls as children.

Video games have been a part of their lives since they were little...so, when they have some time, they want to play video games, and they stay up half the night, then want to sleep in because they didn't get to bed on time, so they don't spend as much time on the family commitments. Men often see that "going to work" is the only contribution they should make. Even if their wife works, she is still expected to do all of the other things.


I have friends with grown sons, and they were babied, rescued, never given consequences, never expected to help around the house, etc. One friend hired two men from outside of Home Depot (complete strangers) picked them up, brought them to her house just so they could go in the attic and get her Christmas ornaments down for her. While her 17 and 21 yr old sons sat on the couch playing video games. She hired someone to mow her lawn when she was on food stamps too, she couldn't afford to pay her bills, but her boys were not going to do manual labor.

They are understandably useless adults now. Way more extreme than most, but, you get the idea. We need to expect more from boys while they are boys, and all the daughters in law will appreciate it later.
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Old 01-23-2013, 08:18 AM   #3
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Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?

I agree with escapethevillage. It's not offensive at all to me. It's just the truth. My brother is 21 years old and can't do jack crap for himself, from organizing/cleaning to cooking to even driving. His gf or my aunt have to do it.

My SO is somewhat like that. He can do a little cleaning (not everyday), takes out the trash, enforces time outs, pays bills (for now), and cook three meals (macaroni and cheese, stir fry and soup, two of which I help him with and none of which he's made in two months now). Beyond that, it's all on me... Even his chores won't be done if I don't direct him to do so. I blame his mom, bless her. She really coddled him and it shows. She still takes care of everything around here when she "visits" and he's perfectly fine with letting her.
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Old 01-23-2013, 08:39 AM   #4
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Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?

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I agree with escapethevillage. It's not offensive at all to me. It's just the truth. My brother is 21 years old and can't do jack crap for himself, from organizing/cleaning to cooking to even driving. His gf or my aunt have to do it.

My SO is somewhat like that. He can do a little cleaning (not everyday), takes out the trash, enforces time outs, pays bills (for now), and cook three meals (macaroni and cheese, stir fry and soup, two of which I help him with and none of which he's made in two months now). Beyond that, it's all on me... Even his chores won't be done if I don't direct him to do so. I blame his mom, bless her. She really coddled him and it shows. She still takes care of everything around here when she "visits" and he's perfectly fine with letting her.
sure you can difinitely blame his mom but you also have to blame all the other women in his life that are enabling his behavior. Men are not going to grow up unless they are forced to...
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Old 01-23-2013, 08:43 AM   #5
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Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?

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sure you can difinitely blame his mom but you also have to blame all the other women in his life that are enabling his behavior. Men are not going to grow up unless they are forced to...
There's no forcing him. He really won't do it, trust me.

I also ask him for help and give him opportunities to do so.
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Old 01-23-2013, 09:22 AM   #6
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Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?

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Men are not going to grow up unless they are forced to...
But isn't this really true of us all? In many cases - for whatever reason - the ladies just "seem" to have grown up faster/younger, maybe.

I think some of it has to do with upbringing, and while we/our generation (am making horrible generalizations here) might be more into gender equality, maybe our parents didn't see it quite that way? Ie... My parents both WOH'ed and my mom would houseclean on Saturday mornings. I distinctly remember being required to help and that is where I learned methods of cleaning, clean vs dirty, and why to fold towels in 1/3rds :-) MIL was a SAHM and did EVERYTHING for her boys. To this day DH refers to the "laundry fairy" who continued to bless him with clean, folded, put away clothes in his 20's. I think my mother disavowed any relationship to my laundry when I started HS (and even before that, I was required to do 50% of household laundry).
So going into life, I was better equipped to run a house but comparing our upbringings is apples to oranges.
Now, DH still claims to have "not seen" the mess and clutter definitely does not bother him - but I think it's a personality thing as opposed to gender inability
I know that I can leave him with DD at the drop of a hat and he will feed, clothe, diaper, sleep, and interact with her properly. I don't even lay out her clothes the night before - he dresses her 100% every morning. Do I always looooove what she's wearing, no - but it's clean, weather- and age-appropriate, and matches. This is because he understands the importance and has internalized that this is his responsibility and he'd better do it right.
The advent of DD definitely raised the bar on DH's requirements around the house - and yes, he is required to multitask while with DD (I refuse to call it "watching" or "babysitting." It's his kid.). Is he as good at it as me? No - but again, I think it's a personality thing.
Am I enabling him a little bit, by not expecting 100% of the to-do list done? Maybe. But I also overload the list, knowing that he will not get to everything. And he knows that I will never, ever wash the car or remember to bring in the trash cans. We complement each other's strengths and weaknesses, and while we could "push" each other more, it's not hurting me to scrub toilets or DH to bring in the trash, but preserves marital harmony in the end.
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Old 01-24-2013, 12:41 PM   #7
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Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?

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But isn't this really true of us all? In many cases - for whatever reason - the ladies just "seem" to have grown up faster/younger, maybe.

I think some of it has to do with upbringing, and while we/our generation (am making horrible generalizations here) might be more into gender equality, maybe our parents didn't see it quite that way? Ie... My parents both WOH'ed and my mom would houseclean on Saturday mornings. I distinctly remember being required to help and that is where I learned methods of cleaning, clean vs dirty, and why to fold towels in 1/3rds :-) MIL was a SAHM and did EVERYTHING for her boys. To this day DH refers to the "laundry fairy" who continued to bless him with clean, folded, put away clothes in his 20's. I think my mother disavowed any relationship to my laundry when I started HS (and even before that, I was required to do 50% of household laundry).
So going into life, I was better equipped to run a house but comparing our upbringings is apples to oranges.
Now, DH still claims to have "not seen" the mess and clutter definitely does not bother him - but I think it's a personality thing as opposed to gender inability
I know that I can leave him with DD at the drop of a hat and he will feed, clothe, diaper, sleep, and interact with her properly. I don't even lay out her clothes the night before - he dresses her 100% every morning. Do I always looooove what she's wearing, no - but it's clean, weather- and age-appropriate, and matches. This is because he understands the importance and has internalized that this is his responsibility and he'd better do it right.
The advent of DD definitely raised the bar on DH's requirements around the house - and yes, he is required to multitask while with DD (I refuse to call it "watching" or "babysitting." It's his kid.). Is he as good at it as me? No - but again, I think it's a personality thing.
Am I enabling him a little bit, by not expecting 100% of the to-do list done? Maybe. But I also overload the list, knowing that he will not get to everything. And he knows that I will never, ever wash the car or remember to bring in the trash cans. We complement each other's strengths and weaknesses, and while we could "push" each other more, it's not hurting me to scrub toilets or DH to bring in the trash, but preserves marital harmony in the end.
I agree with what you said about marital harmony. I know I have given up on a few things with my husband but he has with me as well. I am not an early riser unless I have to be, I dont pump gas....period! I will run the car on fumes or just not go anywhere LOL I dont care if the garage is dirty but I know he cares and will clean it up eventually. so i do understand a little bit about how he will just leave something, knowing i will get it down because i care more.
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Old 01-26-2013, 08:54 AM   #8
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Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?

With my first husband, we were very young, and I didn't realize what I had gotten myself into. I worked 2 jobs, did all the cooking, cleaning while he had one job and then played video games with all his friends. Then he'd accuse me of not loving him when I was too tired to put out. (Or maybe it was his small manpart,) His mama did everything for him as well. I realized a lifetime of that was not for me. I never thought I'd be one to divorce but at least we didn't have kids together.

A few years later I met my now DH. He was another one of those guys in some ways. We'd have dinner at his mom's and all the men would just toss their plates in the sink. (no scraping, still have paper napkins etc ) I yelled at them all the time! Their response was it's ok mom will take care of it. pfft! And she'd say- oh it's ok, I'll take care of it! Whatever! I was raised (as an only child) that everyone chipped in. One person cooked, the other two did dishes. I started doing laundry and ironing at 8yrs old. Summertime I'd weed the garden, and pick stuff.
When dh and I moved in together I had to "train" him since he'd never really learned the basics. These days, he works a very labor intensive f/t job, and has 2 other seasonal jobs. He makes his own bkfst, and sometimes lunch. He does ydwk, trash, and helps with laundry and dishes. Once in awhile he will cook dinner too. He is in charge of bathing kids, brushing their hair etc. Since we live in the same town as his mom he has to do stuff for her too, b/c his brother is a lazy butt. We have a house that is still in the construction phase so he try's to fit that in when he can. Oh and he is the gardener too! He may not pick up toys or do things like I'd like them done but he never stops going and I know I can always count on him when I leave to run errands, shop, etc. We work pretty well together, but after 14 yrs and coming up fast on 40, I'd hope so!!

And ftr- I don't think it's just men anymore!! I think there's a whole generation coming up that are just plain clueless.. or maybe I'm just getting old. All I know is that all my kids will be learning basic life skills while I am responsible for them. They will understand that when everyone chips in it makes life so much easier for us all.
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Old 01-23-2013, 08:10 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by escapethevillage View Post
This is going to sound offensive. But, I have always felt like it's their parents. Less is expected of boys than girls as children.

Video games have been a part of their lives since they were little...so, when they have some time, they want to play video games, and they stay up half the night, then want to sleep in because they didn't get to bed on time, so they don't spend as much time on the family commitments. Men often see that "going to work" is the only contribution they should make. Even if their wife works, she is still expected to do all of the other things.

I have friends with grown sons, and they were babied, rescued, never given consequences, never expected to help around the house, etc. One friend hired two men from outside of Home Depot (complete strangers) picked them up, brought them to her house just so they could go in the attic and get her Christmas ornaments down for her. While her 17 and 21 yr old sons sat on the couch playing video games. She hired someone to mow her lawn when she was on food stamps too, she couldn't afford to pay her bills, but her boys were not going to do manual labor.

They are understandably useless adults now. Way more extreme than most, but, you get the idea. We need to expect more from boys while they are boys, and all the daughters in law will appreciate it later.
While I totally agree with you, I'm also kind of lost. Your extreme example is exactly how I was raised. I never had any chores, never had to work or earn anything, never cooked for myself, etc etc. The first time I lived on my own I had to look up YouTube videos about how to clean a floor. I still have to Google a LOT of things.

But now I'm a domestic goddess, if I may say. But why was it I that had to have a total transformation while dh claims he "just doesn't see" the mess?
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Old 01-23-2013, 08:20 AM   #10
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Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?

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While I totally agree with you, I'm also kind of lost. Your extreme example is exactly how I was raised. I never had any chores, never had to work or earn anything, never cooked for myself, etc etc. The first time I lived on my own I had to look up YouTube videos about how to clean a floor. I still have to Google a LOT of things.

But now I'm a domestic goddess, if I may say. But why was it I that had to have a total transformation while dh claims he "just doesn't see" the mess?
I kind of think even most women who were raised that way would still sit around waiting for the magic to happen. But, maybe when it doesn't just magically get cleaned, women will figure out before men will?
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