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Old 02-09-2013, 10:38 AM   #1
MamaWillow
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Defiant little girl...I have to tell my friend that her DD can't play with DS anymore

For some background, I posted this the other day, and this back in December.

This little girl, Rosie we will call her, is really out of control. You may remember that she pounded DS with a wooden hammer on Thursday (he has a shiner too) and the more I think about all the things she does, the more I am concerned that there is something else going on. She is really smart, and manipulative, and destructive. She will be 4 in May. In the 6 months we have known her family, she has squeezed diaper cream all over my kids' bed, opened a buckwheat pillow and tossed the contents all over the kids' room, peed on the floor behind our toilet, poked a hole in our wall and in our cushion with a knitting needle, hammered DS on the face, and bitten a hole in DH's foam kneepad. It's weird stuff. I may think that it's normal for a toddler (like 1-2) to do that stuff, but is it normal for a 3 1/2 yo? It seems extreme.

I can't deal with her anymore. Her mom and I (we are pretty good friends) were going to do a kid share so we could each have some time without kids, but I don't think I can do it. Rosie is out of control. She needs someone shadowing her all the time (IMO) to prevent any further damage to my house or kids.

I'm going to talk to her mom today. I plan to say that our kids aren't getting along very well ATM and I don't think they should play. But I also somehow want to convey that her DD is out of control and I don't feel like I can trust her at our house or with my kids. That's the main reason I don't want to let them play, yeah they don't get along but we've been dealing with that for 6 months and it's fine. They LOVE playing together but they clash.

So is all this crazy behavior normal? Should I say something to her along the lines of "maybe there is someone who can help you with her?" I don't know. Any ideas?

I'm off to a b-day party but will be back later.
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Old 02-09-2013, 10:55 AM   #2
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Re: Defiant little girl...I have to tell my friend that her DD can't play with DS any

No advice but no way would I allow that child around my kids, she needs to be evaluated by a professional imo.
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Old 02-09-2013, 10:58 AM   #3
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Re: Defiant little girl...I have to tell my friend that her DD can't play with DS any

I would just leave it with they aren't getting along and you can't have them play anymore. If she really digs for more information I'd let her know her kid is destructive, but otherwise I'd leave it out.
And maybe I'm just lucky, but my almost 4 year old has never acted that way, nor has my 5 year old. I can trust them to play without destroying the walls/couch or inflicting serious damage on each other.
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Old 02-09-2013, 11:01 AM   #4
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Wow that's a hard one. I wouldn't expect to remain friends with the Mom after that conversation the way you have framed it.
Believe me I understand, I wouldn't want that child at my house either!

You could put it more gently and frame it as you not having the time/energy ect to watch " Rosie"

That is destructive behaviour but 3.5 is still pretty little. It sounds like she is maybe seeking attention with this behaviour or using it as an outlet for frustration. Some kids are not like that and with my Dd1she wouldn't have behaved in that way.
Ds1did things like empty a bottle of hair product down my register at 4.

Best of luck

Eta I just read your other threads. I personally wouldn't want to be friends with parents who let their kid run wild all over my house. The bullying is another thing as well that would make me not have this child over.

To the buck wheat pillow though it would make me mad but its not out of the range of normal behaviour.
At 3 yes they may no better but some lack impulse control when something looks fun to get into.

Last edited by mommy24babes; 02-09-2013 at 12:23 PM.
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Old 02-09-2013, 11:59 AM   #5
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Re: Defiant little girl...I have to tell my friend that her DD can't play with DS any

That isn't really even normal behaviour for a 1-2 year old, IMO. I mean, maybe the diaper cream - kids do love to open things and play with whatever is inside - but even that, at her age, she would know that it's not okay and she shouldn't do it.

I wouldn't want to have her over at my house anymore, and I wouldn't be allowing my kids to go to their house either - mainly because if they handle her that way, they're going to be the same with your kids... and I wouldn't want that behaviour modelled or positively reinforced with my own kids.

I don't think there's any way to mention the possible issues with her behaviour. It would be great if her parents saw the differences in her and would be totally different if they mentioned it to you or asked you for advice - then you have an opening to talk about it and offer help. But if you bring it up it's going to come across wrong to them.
Just deal with not having the kids together for the time being and leave the rest to her parents.
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Old 02-09-2013, 12:15 PM   #6
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IMO its not normal.


But I have to ask....after the first or second destructive episodes why do you let them play alone or out of your sight? I just cannot imagine allowing a destructive preschooler into my home and letting them play where there is no supervision.

I know you cant watch kids 100 percent of the time but if a kid came to my house and opened butt cream and then destroyed a pillow I wouldnt let her out of my sight ever.
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Old 02-09-2013, 12:41 PM   #7
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Re: Defiant little girl...I have to tell my friend that her DD can't play with DS any

One approach is to frame it in terms of what you allow/are capable of:

"I've realized that I can't accomplish the daily things I need to when I also need to be right by Rosie's side."

"I'm not sure what tactics you use at home, but I'm unable to convey to Rosie when I need her to follow instructions."

"I'm unable to help Rosie to enjoy her time without it leading to out-of-control behaviors that damage our property or each other."

"I don't seem to have or be gaining the authority with Rosie for her to follow orders or understand that she needs to treat our home & family as nicely as she treats her home & family (or as nicely as we treat each other, if she is just as disruptive at home)"

Puts the focus on you and your limitations, while still making it clear that the end result has been her behavior is not acceptable.
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Old 02-09-2013, 12:42 PM   #8
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Re: Defiant little girl...I have to tell my friend that her DD can't play with DS any

Quick question: what discipline are you using when she disregards a request from you? Have you had any success at all?
I wonder b/c I have seen a few IRL cases where the child isn't directed/disciplined at home, but they actually respond very well to directions given by others outside of the home if they are taught it. I've also seen cases where this definitely doesn't work and the child seems to balk at any authority or direction.
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Old 02-09-2013, 12:46 PM   #9
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Be totally honest. I had the same thing happen to me. If you value your friend, tell her. Maybe she is lost about what to do and this will be a kick in the pants to get her daughter some help.

If you loose your friend at least you were honest. It's hard to tell someone this kind of truth, but it needs to be said.
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Old 02-09-2013, 01:16 PM   #10
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Re: Defiant little girl...I have to tell my friend that her DD can't play with DS any

yikes what did the parent do when all that was happening?

I had a client come over once with her kids (I dont allow that anymore cause of what followed)

the kids took out the kids cassette tapes, old ones you cannot replace that we loved, and ripped them all out. then proceeded to do that to our movies... the mom did NOTHING. didnt even offer to pay for them (it was easily $50 worth of stuff wrecked)
the living room was a covered mess of all this, plus books ripped. I was so stunned I just didnt know what to say, but I certainly didnt say "oh thats ok." i probably said this isnt good. those were out favorite toys.

she just didnt have a clue and left. I am STILL pissed off to this day about it.

I can say if my kids ruin something or make a mess, I try to help pick up and I would pay for something if that happened. I also am the type that disciplines others kids now and readily scold my kids for not behaving.
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