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Old 09-04-2010, 02:41 PM   #11
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Re: MIL stuff... again.

thats horrible that they cause stuff between you.
But until your Dh sees through the crap they pull, then you won't be able to cut them out from the family.
My Dh had to see and experience it all for himself and he saw the look on his sons 3 year old face when they were disrespecting him in front of Ds and that was the last straw for him. He said he didn't want the crap to start affecting Ds and how Ds looked at his parents and cut them off himself, we've been doing really well since, just the usual ups and downs that come with marriage.
Stay out of it and stay clean and innocent to the crap, then when they are disrespecting you to him he will click that what they say isn't true.

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Old 09-04-2010, 02:57 PM   #12
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Re: MIL stuff... again.

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Old 09-05-2010, 08:15 AM   #13
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Re: MIL stuff... again.

As someone who has had major MIL issues and after reading your followup I would almost blame your dh as much as your MIL. For a long time i blamed mil for causing fights or for getting between us but then I realized that it should be my dh sticking up for me and telling my mil to butt out or mind her own business. Once I talked to him and explained how it made me feel to have him taking her side he completely got my pov and he started cutting his mom off mid sentence when she started criticizing or doing something he knew would upset me. Since then the whole thing has gotten better, his mom learned she couldn't continue to act the way she wanted if she wanted to be part of our lives and I felt like my dh supported me more which is ultimately what I wanted.
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Old 09-05-2010, 08:48 AM   #14
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Re: MIL stuff... again.

Okay, coming from someone who was flat out called lazy, manipulative, a user, a bad mom and a bad wife by my husbands grandmother and whose mother in law said that she wished my husband and I had never met (while MY brother was undergoing a VERY risky, VERY painful, VERY dangerous, of no benefit to HIM surgery for HER SON)...here is what I say:

I do not see or speak to my in-laws. Ever. They are not welcome in MY home. Ever. (mostly because I'm not going to leave my house and go wander around wal-mart so they can visit...that's a pain in the butt for me) DH can talk to them 155 times a day for the rest of his (their) lives. I don't care so long as I don't have to interact with them. He can send them pictures (although he doesn't because he doesn't know how to do it via email...I refuse to show him, he can figure it out...mostly he puts pictures on FB) He can invite them to any of DS's school functions or sports but they don't sit by us...the rare times they came to a game my mom came as well to be 'moral support' for me DH can take DS2 and DD over to talk to them (at the game).

The kids don't go over there unattended (his mother's house, even DH says her house is 10000% unsafe for our children and she smokes in her home so she is not allowed to keep the kids, ever). They don't go to his grandparents home unattended because they are too old (DH agrees to these rules). However DH can (and has) taken the older 2 over there for visits (not the baby, he's breastfed...I'm not about to put myself out by pumping for these people).

I don't bash them in front of the kids...EVER...and DH has told them they aren't allowed to say word 1 about me in front of the kids.

Holidays are done AFTER the fact. Holidays are for us as a family. DH will take the kids over at a later date. We do go to my families holidays on the holidays but my family has never been anything but super super super nice to DH so he has no reason to not allow it. If my family was ever MEAN to DH then I'd stop going to holidays there and we'd stay at home as a family. But my family is super nice to DH (hell my dad's family likes DH more than they do me!) so it's a non-issue.

My MIL refuses to come to our town (she lives around an hour away) to see DS2 so she hasn't seen him. That is on her. Her house isn't safe for our kids so they won't go there.
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Old 09-05-2010, 10:09 AM   #15
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Re: MIL stuff... again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Greenbabybottoms View Post
As someone who has had major MIL issues and after reading your followup I would almost blame your dh as much as your MIL. For a long time i blamed mil for causing fights or for getting between us but then I realized that it should be my dh sticking up for me and telling my mil to butt out or mind her own business. Once I talked to him and explained how it made me feel to have him taking her side he completely got my pov and he started cutting his mom off mid sentence when she started criticizing or doing something he knew would upset me. Since then the whole thing has gotten better, his mom learned she couldn't continue to act the way she wanted if she wanted to be part of our lives and I felt like my dh supported me more which is ultimately what I wanted.
We have had that conversation endlessly. I can tell him how I feel in a million different ways, until I am blue in the face, and he doesn't get it. I'M CRAZY. His mother and sister, and now they have enlisted the help of his aunt and grandmother and cousins, constantly (every time they talk to him) are telling him "you don't love us anymore because of her, you turned your back on your own family, your mom is so sick and you are making it worse, look what your wife is doing to her". I will admit, they way they say things, they're good at what they do. Sometimes I even believe it myself!
But my husband seriously does not understand. He doesn't see through the manipulation. The comments they have made to me have been said in such a way that to someone who doesn't know the whole story, look harmless. Alot of it was on FB, before I blocked them all. MY family, however, when they saw the comments, they saw it too. Like I said, my mom has been through it. She knew exactly what she meant and wasn't very happy. SO in so many words, my mom told my husband's family to back off her daughter and keep their nasty comments to themselves. THAT did not help, because then my family was attacking this poor, sick woman.

Oh, and about the not letting them have pictures, I had asked everyone to take pics of my kids off their fb/myspace/etc, because not only would they post NAKED pics, I just don't trust the people they have as friends that have access to the pictures. They also posted tons of our info, anniversary, birthdays, birth places, full names, WHERE WE LIVE, pictures of our house, etc. To me, that is just plain unsafe. I NICELY asked all of my friends and family to not have pics and info of us up. Simple, no big deal, right? HA. They freaked out over it and said I was shutting them out of our lives, keeping my husband and THEIR grandchildren from them.... at the time, we were on good terms and speaking regularly, so it was clearly not the case. The nastiness that followed was just the last straw for me.

Anyways, I think I'm just going to give up. I don't have to worry about visits or anything, because none of them will come all the way to TX to see us, and his mom is too sick. We are too broke to go out there. I'll just make sure to monitor phone conversations with my children, and be done with it all. My husband can do whatever he wants. I don't like to use the word, at all, but I hate this woman. I'm just really, really tired of always being the bad guy and having to defend my every thought and feeling. I'll just keep it to myself.
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Old 09-05-2010, 10:20 AM   #16
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Re: MIL stuff... again.

i really sympathize with you, as i have a similar relationship with my MIL.
in my husband's eyes, his mom and family can do no wrong. no matter what.

i totally agree with others that have said it's your husband's job to stick up for you. but if he's not doing that, you have to continue to stick up for yourself and be direct about what you want, etc.

for me, that is what i have been doing lately. at least i have taken back the respect that i feel i deserve as a wife and mom, even if it causes uncomfortable conversations or situations. it shows her that i'm not going to be weak.
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