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Old 05-26-2011, 09:53 AM   #1
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Anyone else feel totally "detached" from their pregnancy?

I just need to vent a little bit. I will be 37 weeks on Sunday. My husband is a great husband and father, but for my other two pregnancies he hasn't been excited or involved until the baby was here. I knew this time wouldn't be any different... but it feels worse and it makes me feel terrible.

He hasn't gone to any appointments with me except for one of my 4 ultrasounds, where he didn't even watch the screen to try to see anything. He never volunteers to try to feel the baby, and he hasn't shown an interest in ANY OTHER aspect of my pregnancy until now when it comes to naming the baby.

I have bought everything, gone to every appointment, felt every kick... by myself. We have had some difficulty coming up with a baby name. He has had 3 in his mind from the very beginning, and I am not a fan of any of them. He will not offer any other suggestions and vetoes literally EVERYTHING I mention. Today, he told me that he didn't want to give the baby the middle name I have wanted since we named our 7 year old because it's after my dad and he doesn't "want to hurt his dads feelings."

I wanted to name my first son Henry, but he wouldn't go for it, and wanted the middle name to be after himself which is family tradition. I said okay, but Henry WILL be in the next boy's name. He has agreed until TODAY. Our first son is named after his side of the family! I feel like he hasn't been involved in my pregnancy at all, and now he is digging his heels in on something that is very important to me? It's bad enough that he is being so ridiculous about the first name, but jesus... this is my last baby. Let me have my middle name.

He honestly makes me feel like I have worked my *** off getting ready and preparing for this baby all alone, and now he gets the fun part. I genuinely feel like none of this is about me at all... like I am waiting for a call and someone is just going to drop a baby off on my front porch that isn't even mine and expect me to raise it. I feel 100% detached from my pregnancy and it's mainly because of him. I'm sure part of it is that it's baby #3 and people just aren't as excited... but I want to be. I deserve to be! The baby deserves us to be.

I am totally dreading having him because I am totally scared to death that he won't feel like my baby. And I only have just over 3 weeks until he gets here. Anyone else feel scared like this?

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Old 05-26-2011, 09:58 AM   #2
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Re: Anyone else feel totally "detached" from their pregnancy?

It sounds to me like you really need to address this with your DH to make you and him feel more comfortable with the new baby. I'm sure when the baby gets here you'll both feel differently, and if for some reason you don't, don't stress! Detachment 9in the beginning can be totally normal, and trust me, it will pass. As far as names, I'd discuss that too. Me and DH have VERY different tastes in names, and we had to compromise - I picked his first name and Kale picked his middle. GL mama
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Old 05-26-2011, 10:01 AM   #3
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Re: Anyone else feel totally "detached" from their pregnancy?

This is my third and last baby too. I know what you mean about people not being as excited. Like when we told people we were pregnant some people just said, "Again, wow, how many babies are you guys going to have?" It makes me feel bad for the baby that there wont be as much excitement surrounding her birth. There's not much you can do about that and really the baby isn't going to remember if all of the extended family is around right after he is born. Try not to stress out about that. He will feel just as loved.

The last month can be a pretty stressful and emotional time. I am sure once you see your little baby you wont have the same kinds of fears about him feeling like your baby. I am sure you will bond once you see and hold him.

As for names, it's your last, I would put my foot down or try to come to some sort of compromise. It's tough to fight over names, but again once he gets here this will all seem insignificant. You are so close to being done! Just hang in there a few more weeks.
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Old 05-26-2011, 11:04 AM   #4
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Re: Anyone else feel totally "detached" from their pregnancy?

Regarding the naming.... we gave my son two middle names... my dad's name AND his dad's name...then we didn't have to worry about offending anyone. Just an idea. Good luck mama!
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Old 05-26-2011, 11:24 AM   #5
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Re: Anyone else feel totally "detached" from their pregnancy?

I have had a lot of trouble getting "into" this pregnancy, though for different reasons. Our DD left us a month and a half before her due date, and we tried for 13 months (with three early miscarriages) before I got a sticky bean. DH is TOTALLY excited. Me... not so much. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it makes me wonder if I'm a bad mother to not be as excited this time as I was with DD.

I can only tell you what others have told me - that there will come a point (whether it's in the birthing room or later) where suddenly things click and you love the baby more than anything. And that if you're worried about bonding, it proves that you care enough to worry, and that already says wonderful things about you.

I hope you find peace soon (and that your DH pulls his head out of his backside!!)
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Old 05-26-2011, 12:43 PM   #6
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Re: Anyone else feel totally "detached" from their pregnancy?

Perhaps you should go somewhere comfortable with your husband (a favorite restaurant?) and explain to him the way you're feeling without attacking him. I'm sure that he also has things he needs to share with you, but he may not know how or be nervous about your responses. Be still, let him talk, and ask God for wisdom as to how to rectify your hurt feelings and all the misunderstandings.
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Old 05-26-2011, 01:31 PM   #7
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Re: Anyone else feel totally "detached" from their pregnancy?

Your DH sounds like he learned from my DH - who is very much the same. Maybe they are related. HA!

For our 3rd baby, my DH did essentially the same thing with the name. Actually almost the EXACT same thing, as I wanted the middle name to be a certain thing, and I really did not like all his first names, but he wouldn't even consider my first names. Ugh. What a royal pain in the rear that whole ordeal was.

I gave up and let him pick the first name as long as he let me have the middle name. I did that for a few reasons - 1) he was VERY flexible about names with the last 2 kids, 2) I didn't HATE the names he picked, I just didn't love them, and 3) it was really important to me that this baby have a certain middle name - a name that honored our families, but DH hated it.

As far as not being "into" the pregnancy... well, I think a lot of men are this way. A lot of men are really logical, rational, "here and now" creatures. They need to see it, feel it, smell it, taste it to believe it. And I think babies are no different. It must have taken me 3 wks to convince my DH I was pregnant b/c "the line isn't as dark as the other line!" I peed on at least 4 sticks and finally paid an arm and a leg for the digital test. He saw the word "pregnant" and said, "well, let's see about a blood test..." Um, what?
Anyway (sorry for the tangent) men are just like this, IME. He also didn't really go to appts, except for one u/s. He sat in on a couple viists that he happneed to have time off work for... but he just kind of sat there, and for one appt he sat on the other side of the room, fiddling with something! (we had home visits). The MW said, "Daddy, we're going to listen to the baby now, do you want to come over here?" He said (without looking up), "That's ok, I can hear from here."

So, I can feel what you are going through.

I promise that when you have the baby and you look at him and you feel and smell that baby, you will be so in love with him. You won't remember how you wanted to kick your DH in the jollies for being so distant, or how you worried about being detached from him. He'll be YOUR baby and that will be all that matters. And, likely, if your DH is like mine after the birth, too - he'll be overjoyed and suddenly super interested. (As if NOW the baby is real b/c he can see it.)

You're on the home stretch mama Don't forget that this will all pass and soon be a distant memory. You'll be holding and cooing at your beautiful little boy.

Last edited by Kiliki; 05-26-2011 at 01:34 PM.
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Old 05-27-2011, 10:54 AM   #8
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Re: Anyone else feel totally "detached" from their pregnancy?

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Originally Posted by Kiliki View Post
Your DH sounds like he learned from my DH - who is very much the same. Maybe they are related. HA!

For our 3rd baby, my DH did essentially the same thing with the name. Actually almost the EXACT same thing, as I wanted the middle name to be a certain thing, and I really did not like all his first names, but he wouldn't even consider my first names. Ugh. What a royal pain in the rear that whole ordeal was.

I gave up and let him pick the first name as long as he let me have the middle name. I did that for a few reasons - 1) he was VERY flexible about names with the last 2 kids, 2) I didn't HATE the names he picked, I just didn't love them, and 3) it was really important to me that this baby have a certain middle name - a name that honored our families, but DH hated it.

As far as not being "into" the pregnancy... well, I think a lot of men are this way. A lot of men are really logical, rational, "here and now" creatures. They need to see it, feel it, smell it, taste it to believe it. And I think babies are no different. It must have taken me 3 wks to convince my DH I was pregnant b/c "the line isn't as dark as the other line!" I peed on at least 4 sticks and finally paid an arm and a leg for the digital test. He saw the word "pregnant" and said, "well, let's see about a blood test..." Um, what?
Anyway (sorry for the tangent) men are just like this, IME. He also didn't really go to appts, except for one u/s. He sat in on a couple viists that he happneed to have time off work for... but he just kind of sat there, and for one appt he sat on the other side of the room, fiddling with something! (we had home visits). The MW said, "Daddy, we're going to listen to the baby now, do you want to come over here?" He said (without looking up), "That's ok, I can hear from here."

So, I can feel what you are going through.

I promise that when you have the baby and you look at him and you feel and smell that baby, you will be so in love with him. You won't remember how you wanted to kick your DH in the jollies for being so distant, or how you worried about being detached from him. He'll be YOUR baby and that will be all that matters. And, likely, if your DH is like mine after the birth, too - he'll be overjoyed and suddenly super interested. (As if NOW the baby is real b/c he can see it.)

You're on the home stretch mama Don't forget that this will all pass and soon be a distant memory. You'll be holding and cooing at your beautiful little boy.
Thank you so much, mama. This made me feel a lot better. DH and I talked last night about the names and we agreed on something FINALLY. FINALLY he was able to give in just a little bit. We are giving the baby two middle names which is a compromise for me, but one I am okay with because I get the middle name I want, AND a first name I really like. Feeling a million times better today!
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Old 05-27-2011, 11:22 AM   #9
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Re: Anyone else feel totally "detached" from their pregnancy?

Glad you're feeling better about it My husband wasn't totally detached from my first pregnancy, but he definitely wasn't all into it, either. He would do what I asked him to do, but nothing more than that. It took us forever to pick a name, because there was NOTHING that we could agree on. I hope we have a boy next, because I don't know what we would name another girl, lol!

Even after our daughter was born, he stayed kind of distant until she got old enough to interact with him more. I mean, he's been a great dad, but he just isn't one of those dads that jumped right in. He has maybe changed...4 diapers in her 16 months of life.

Hopefully next time he will be a little more involved, but I guess we will just have to see. Just try to enjoy the time left that you have with your little one. Try to imagine what kind of personality he will have based on what you feel maybe that will help a little bit?
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