Reply Hey Mom! Learn more about the Gerber Life Insurance Grow-Up Plan!
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-31-2011, 04:27 PM   #1
poppan's Avatar
poppan
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,550
Ruminations on my long-awaited home birth

This is less of a birth story and more of a reflection of two very different births, what I thought I wanted, and how I feel now that I got it. It's not what I expected. I would love to know how you react to this... I'm still processing both births and it helps me to talk about it. Thanks for reading

*************************************
It’s been a few months since Henry was born at home, and I’ve been reflecting on the experience.

My first pregnancy and birth was with twins. My planned home birth was scuttled when my water broke at 32 weeks. I ended up on hospital bedrest for 2 weeks, followed by an induction that didn’t work, and then an “emergency c-section” for “fetal distress”. My only proud moment is that I got to 9cm (with pitocin and back labor) without any drugs for pain relief. Otherwise, this birth was pretty much everything I was afraid of. Afterwards, I clung to what my midwife said: “this is one of the cases where a c-section was necessary”. But I secretly suspected that she only said it to make me feel better.

When I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with baby #3, my first thought was that this was my chance for a do-over. I looked forward to the birth. I wanted to experience a normal, vaginal delivery. I wanted to see what a contraction felt like, without the pitocin, hopefully without the back labor.

The pregnancy breezed by and the birth went quickly and well. As with my first labor, my attendant (midwife Renee in this case) was surprised when she checked my progress and discovered I was fully dilated—I guess I am one of those lucky people who don’t seem to feel the full pain of labor, because from how I was acting she didn’t think I was anything close to 10cm. Pushing was no fun but finally, that too was done. Henry was born at 4 in the afternoon. I spent the afternoon and evening in a euphoric high. I’d done it!

That rush faded, of course. And now, a few months later, I think I feel… deflated. I’m still proud of my HBAC, but I don’t feel like superwoman. I’m glad I got to experience labor, but I don’t think I want to do it again. It was the birth I’d dreamed of, but somehow it’s just a neutrality in my life. The previous birth was such a negative marker—I think in my heart I thought this birth would be an “equal and opposite reaction”--that as negative as the c-section was in my mind, this one would be an equal magnitude of positivity.

So it wasn’t all that I’d built it up to be. It’s more along the lines of “Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.” It’s a “no big deal.” And although I don’t feel like a hero, it has nevertheless been a healing experience. I no longer secretly wonder what birth and labor is all about, what it feels like, whether I could do it too. I don’t feel like any more of a woman, but I no longer feel like any less of a woman. (I’m not saying I was any less of a woman, or any less of a mother, before, but sometimes I felt that way, if that makes any sense.)

And now that I’ve had a natural birth… next time? (Not that there will be a next time, but if there were…) Next time, I might consider going to the hospital and getting an epidural. That is a measure of just how healing an experience this was for me. It’s taken all the *weight* out of birth and out of the hospital. Now I’m just like all the other suburban moms all around me. Maybe. Maybe not.

Advertisement

__________________
Three kiddos -- b/g twins 2007 and YDS 2011
My HBAC story

Last edited by poppan; 05-31-2011 at 04:28 PM.
poppan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-31-2011, 05:04 PM   #2
JeDeeLenae's Avatar
JeDeeLenae
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Vegas
Posts: 22,118
My Mood:
Finally! Someone that shares my reaction after a homebirth. I'm having another one, but really, I wouldn't mind being in a hospital, with hospital food... Drugs... Beeping monitors... And a bunch of strangers. I really don't feel all that strong one way or another.

_________________
Excuse the typos and nonsense. My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me.
__________________
~Cassie~ Single Mom to Jordan 9/04 and Jaxon 6/06 and Kelli 10/08 and 1/11 and Jevin 12/11
Check out my gallery! PM me for YYMN and other knitting needs.

JeDeeLenae is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-01-2011, 11:08 AM   #3
poppan's Avatar
poppan
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,550
Re: Ruminations on my long-awaited home birth

It's nice to know someone else feels the same way I feel like less of a freak hehe.

Maybe I just built it up too much in my mind, had too high expectations? I thought it would be a more transformative experience. Becoming a parent has been transformative, but I don't feel that different after this birth, and I thought I'd feel at least a little different, you know, a little stronger or something.
__________________
Three kiddos -- b/g twins 2007 and YDS 2011
My HBAC story
poppan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-01-2011, 11:15 AM   #4
JeDeeLenae's Avatar
JeDeeLenae
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Vegas
Posts: 22,118
My Mood:
Quote:
Originally Posted by poppan
It's nice to know someone else feels the same way I feel like less of a freak hehe.

Maybe I just built it up too much in my mind, had too high expectations? I thought it would be a more transformative experience. Becoming a parent has been transformative, but I don't feel that different after this birth, and I thought I'd feel at least a little different, you know, a little stronger or something.
Yeah, I specifically remember just feeling done. And I never got that stronger feeling, just like I had closed a chapter. I literally burst into laughter reading your story because no one I'd talked to felt like that, and I thought I must have done something wrong. LOL

_________________
Excuse the typos and nonsense. My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me.
__________________
~Cassie~ Single Mom to Jordan 9/04 and Jaxon 6/06 and Kelli 10/08 and 1/11 and Jevin 12/11
Check out my gallery! PM me for YYMN and other knitting needs.

JeDeeLenae is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-01-2011, 02:21 PM   #5
songbird516's Avatar
songbird516
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 6,164
My Mood:
Re: Ruminations on my long-awaited home birth

It is Interesting to hear your perspective; thanks for sharing!- I have to say that I was a little disappointed (if I can put it like that) after all of the expectation that I had built up in my head as to what labor and birth would be like, as my birth was so fast that I feel like I "missed" most of it. I definitely dont' think that I would go back to the hospital, but it wasn't everything that i thought it would be, either. So I can see where you are coming from.

Congrats on your VBAC, though! If anything, you know that the birth was good for your baby, even if it wasn't what you had expected.
__________________
Sara- mommy to Claire (01/10) and Micah (3/12) and someone new (10/14)
Birth doula and life-long student of Everything! Need a doula in the central VA area? Let's talk! www.beyondbirthsupport.com
songbird516 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-02-2011, 12:15 PM   #6
ktktbird's Avatar
ktktbird
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Middle east
Posts: 503
My Mood:
Re: Ruminations on my long-awaited home birth

I am sooo glad to read your post! I have had 3 very different births, the first was with an epidural, the second was too fast for the epidural and the third a planned hb. I was kinda dissappointed in how I responded to the third. I thought I would be more prepared for the pain because I knew it would probably go fast and that I would be able to have this great, peaceful birth. Instead I think I handled the previous unmedicated birth better. Now I just kinda feel silly. I feel like I bonded better with this one and that overall, the experience was better and better for the baby, but I wish I hadn't put so much expectation into how great it would be.
Anyways, glad to see someone else feeling kinda like what I feel!
(I like that... been there, done that, got the t shirt! lol!!)
__________________
Katie- desperately loving Jesus sahm to A (7yrs), M(5yrs),
J
(3yr) a newbie R & married to my best friend B
ktktbird is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-02-2011, 02:09 PM   #7
adavieau
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,202
My Mood:
Re: Ruminations on my long-awaited home birth

I've never had a home birth (two hospital births one with pitocin neither with pain meds) and I'm glad to hear you say that natural birth is sometimes just not all its cracked up to be. I felt very euphoric after dd's (my first) birth but not so much after ds I was glad it was over but 20 months later I still remember how very painful and unpleasant the last part was (and nothing went wrong my midwife was great I was able to labor and push however I wanted, eat drink etc.). I'm honestly kind of dreading doing it again (due with number three any day) and seriously considering getting an epidural but I felt like I "have" to go natural since I did with the other two.
adavieau is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-03-2011, 09:08 AM   #8
poopstermomma's Avatar
poopstermomma
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 2,073
My Mood:
Re: Ruminations on my long-awaited home birth

If your homebirth was healing and uneventful, than it was a success. You should feel proud that your body was able to do the thing it's supposed to do. I personally don't think HB should feel like you conquered Iron Man... it should just feel like it was a natural normal process that you went through. I totally get the sort of "let down" feeling, because we have to psych ourselves up SO MUCH to brave a HB (which is silly). I'm planning another homebirth (any day now!!) and I feel a lot less tense, worked up, and generally less anxious about it. I'll go into labor, push out a baby, and life will go on! My baby will be my miracle, and all of my hopes and expectations are focused on HER, not on her birth.
__________________
My kids are 2, 3 and 5! Sleep and patience are in short supply.
The Green Sheep A Natural Parenting store FACEBOOK
I sew, too! Kenna's Felt Forest
poopstermomma is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-03-2011, 11:39 AM   #9
lisathib123's Avatar
lisathib123
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 2,529
My Mood:
Quote:
Originally Posted by poopstermomma
If your homebirth was healing and uneventful, than it was a success. You should feel proud that your body was able to do the thing it's supposed to do. I personally don't think HB should feel like you conquered Iron Man... it should just feel like it was a natural normal process that you went through. I totally get the sort of "let down" feeling, because we have to psych ourselves up SO MUCH to brave a HB (which is silly). I'm planning another homebirth (any day now!!) and I feel a lot less tense, worked up, and generally less anxious about it. I'll go into labor, push out a baby, and life will go on! My baby will be my miracle, and all of my hopes and expectations are focused on HER, not on her birth.
Well said!
__________________
Lisa, wife to Toby. Mom to Ethan, Morgan, Maggie, Molly,
Blaize, Damian, and Jett
lisathib123 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-03-2011, 11:56 AM   #10
mamaratliff's Avatar
mamaratliff
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: south bay area, California
Posts: 5,516
My Mood:
Re: Ruminations on my long-awaited home birth

Quote:
Originally Posted by poopstermomma View Post
If your homebirth was healing and uneventful, than it was a success. You should feel proud that your body was able to do the thing it's supposed to do. I personally don't think HB should feel like you conquered Iron Man... it should just feel like it was a natural normal process that you went through. I totally get the sort of "let down" feeling, because we have to psych ourselves up SO MUCH to brave a HB (which is silly). I'm planning another homebirth (any day now!!) and I feel a lot less tense, worked up, and generally less anxious about it. I'll go into labor, push out a baby, and life will go on! My baby will be my miracle, and all of my hopes and expectations are focused on HER, not on her birth.
I think this more a realization of birth being normal in general, and not neccesarily even related to Home birth or hospital birth. I've had 3 hospital births. No pain meds. By the time the third one comes and goes, it's like "um yah just had a baby, big deal" It seems to be more the nature of just getting used to your body doing what it's supposed to do. There aren't really surprises or new experiences by the time the third baby comes squishing out. So for me, the third was less awe inspiring to me. But still euphoric
__________________
Nicole Christ following, Wife to my high school Sweetheart who's ayouth pastor and sahm to Kyla 7, Makenna 4, and Levi 2, and new baby Judah 5-6-12
Knitting patterns for sale and FREE Here
mamaratliff is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Copyright 2005 - 2014 Escalate Media. All Rights Reserved.