Diaper Swappers

poppan · 05-31-2011, 04:27 PM

This is less of a birth story and more of a reflection of two very different births, what I thought I wanted, and how I feel now that I got it. It's not what I expected. I would love to know how you react to this... I'm still processing both births and it helps me to talk about it. Thanks for reading

*************************************
It’s been a few months since Henry was born at home, and I’ve been reflecting on the experience.

My first pregnancy and birth was with twins. My planned home birth was scuttled when my water broke at 32 weeks. I ended up on hospital bedrest for 2 weeks, followed by an induction that didn’t work, and then an “emergency c-section” for “fetal distress”. My only proud moment is that I got to 9cm (with pitocin and back labor) without any drugs for pain relief. Otherwise, this birth was pretty much everything I was afraid of. Afterwards, I clung to what my midwife said: “this is one of the cases where a c-section was necessary”. But I secretly suspected that she only said it to make me feel better.

When I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with baby #3, my first thought was that this was my chance for a do-over. I looked forward to the birth. I wanted to experience a normal, vaginal delivery. I wanted to see what a contraction felt like, without the pitocin, hopefully without the back labor.

The pregnancy breezed by and the birth went quickly and well. As with my first labor, my attendant (midwife Renee in this case) was surprised when she checked my progress and discovered I was fully dilated—I guess I am one of those lucky people who don’t seem to feel the full pain of labor, because from how I was acting she didn’t think I was anything close to 10cm. Pushing was no fun but finally, that too was done. Henry was born at 4 in the afternoon. I spent the afternoon and evening in a euphoric high. I’d done it!

That rush faded, of course. And now, a few months later, I think I feel… deflated. I’m still proud of my HBAC, but I don’t feel like superwoman. I’m glad I got to experience labor, but I don’t think I want to do it again. It was the birth I’d dreamed of, but somehow it’s just a neutrality in my life. The previous birth was such a negative marker—I think in my heart I thought this birth would be an “equal and opposite reaction”--that as negative as the c-section was in my mind, this one would be an equal magnitude of positivity.

So it wasn’t all that I’d built it up to be. It’s more along the lines of “Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.” It’s a “no big deal.” And although I don’t feel like a hero, it has nevertheless been a healing experience. I no longer secretly wonder what birth and labor is all about, what it feels like, whether I could do it too. I don’t feel like any more of a woman, but I no longer feel like any less of a woman. (I’m not saying I was any less of a woman, or any less of a mother, before, but sometimes I felt that way, if that makes any sense.)

And now that I’ve had a natural birth… next time? (Not that there will be a next time, but if there were…) Next time, I might consider going to the hospital and getting an epidural. That is a measure of just how healing an experience this was for me. It’s taken all the *weight* out of birth and out of the hospital. Now I’m just like all the other suburban moms all around me. Maybe. Maybe not.

JeDeeLenae · 05-31-2011, 05:04 PM

Finally! Someone that shares my reaction after a homebirth. I'm having another one, but really, I wouldn't mind being in a hospital, with hospital food... Drugs... Beeping monitors... And a bunch of strangers. I really don't feel all that strong one way or another.

_________________
Excuse the typos and nonsense. My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me.

poppan · 06-01-2011, 11:08 AM

It's nice to know someone else feels the same way

I feel like less of a freak hehe.

Maybe I just built it up too much in my mind, had too high expectations? I thought it would be a more transformative experience. Becoming a parent has been transformative, but I don't feel that different after this birth, and I thought I'd feel at least a little different, you know, a little stronger or something.

JeDeeLenae · 06-01-2011, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poppan

It's nice to know someone else feels the same way

I feel like less of a freak hehe.

Maybe I just built it up too much in my mind, had too high expectations? I thought it would be a more transformative experience. Becoming a parent has been transformative, but I don't feel that different after this birth, and I thought I'd feel at least a little different, you know, a little stronger or something.

Yeah, I specifically remember just feeling done. And I never got that stronger feeling, just like I had closed a chapter. I literally burst into laughter reading your story because no one I'd talked to felt like that, and I thought I must have done something wrong. LOL

_________________
Excuse the typos and nonsense. My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me.

songbird516 · 06-01-2011, 02:21 PM

It is Interesting to hear your perspective; thanks for sharing!- I have to say that I was a little disappointed (if I can put it like that) after all of the expectation that I had built up in my head as to what labor and birth would be like, as my birth was so fast that I feel like I "missed" most of it. I definitely dont' think that I would go back to the hospital, but it wasn't everything that i thought it would be, either. So I can see where you are coming from.

Congrats on your VBAC, though! If anything, you know that the birth was good for your baby, even if it wasn't what you had expected.

ktktbird · 06-02-2011, 12:15 PM

I am sooo glad to read your post! I have had 3 very different births, the first was with an epidural, the second was too fast for the epidural and the third a planned hb. I was kinda dissappointed in how I responded to the third. I thought I would be more prepared for the pain because I knew it would probably go fast and that I would be able to have this great, peaceful birth. Instead I think I handled the previous unmedicated birth better. Now I just kinda feel silly. I feel like I bonded better with this one and that overall, the experience was better and better for the baby, but I wish I hadn't put so much expectation into how great it would be.
Anyways, glad to see someone else feeling kinda like what I feel!
(I like that... been there, done that, got the t shirt! lol!!)

adavieau · 06-02-2011, 02:09 PM

I've never had a home birth (two hospital births one with pitocin neither with pain meds) and I'm glad to hear you say that natural birth is sometimes just not all its cracked up to be. I felt very euphoric after dd's (my first) birth but not so much after ds I was glad it was over but 20 months later I still remember how very painful and unpleasant the last part was (and nothing went wrong my midwife was great I was able to labor and push however I wanted, eat drink etc.). I'm honestly kind of dreading doing it again (due with number three any day) and seriously considering getting an epidural but I felt like I "have" to go natural since I did with the other two.

poopstermomma · 06-03-2011, 09:08 AM

If your homebirth was healing and uneventful, than it was a success. You should feel proud that your body was able to do the thing it's supposed to do. I personally don't think HB should feel like you conquered Iron Man... it should just feel like it was a natural normal process that you went through. I totally get the sort of "let down" feeling, because we have to psych ourselves up SO MUCH to brave a HB (which is silly). I'm planning another homebirth (any day now!!) and I feel a lot less tense, worked up, and generally less anxious about it. I'll go into labor, push out a baby, and life will go on! My baby will be my miracle, and all of my hopes and expectations are focused on HER, not on her birth.

lisathib123 · 06-03-2011, 11:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poopstermomma

If your homebirth was healing and uneventful, than it was a success. You should feel proud that your body was able to do the thing it's supposed to do. I personally don't think HB should feel like you conquered Iron Man... it should just feel like it was a natural normal process that you went through. I totally get the sort of "let down" feeling, because we have to psych ourselves up SO MUCH to brave a HB (which is silly). I'm planning another homebirth (any day now!!) and I feel a lot less tense, worked up, and generally less anxious about it. I'll go into labor, push out a baby, and life will go on! My baby will be my miracle, and all of my hopes and expectations are focused on HER, not on her birth.

Well said!

mamaratliff · 06-03-2011, 11:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poopstermomma

If your homebirth was healing and uneventful, than it was a success. You should feel proud that your body was able to do the thing it's supposed to do. I personally don't think HB should feel like you conquered Iron Man... it should just feel like it was a natural normal process that you went through. I totally get the sort of "let down" feeling, because we have to psych ourselves up SO MUCH to brave a HB (which is silly). I'm planning another homebirth (any day now!!) and I feel a lot less tense, worked up, and generally less anxious about it. I'll go into labor, push out a baby, and life will go on! My baby will be my miracle, and all of my hopes and expectations are focused on HER, not on her birth.

I think this more a realization of birth being normal in general, and not neccesarily even related to Home birth or hospital birth. I've had 3 hospital births. No pain meds. By the time the third one comes and goes, it's like "um yah just had a baby, big deal" It seems to be more the nature of just getting used to your body doing what it's supposed to do. There aren't really surprises or new experiences by the time the third baby comes squishing out. So for me, the third was less awe inspiring to me. But still euphoric

05-31-2011, 04:27 PM	#1
poppan Registered Users Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 2,965 Ratings: 39 Feedback: 100%	Ruminations on my long-awaited home birth This is less of a birth story and more of a reflection of two very different births, what I thought I wanted, and how I feel now that I got it. It's not what I expected. I would love to know how you react to this... I'm still processing both births and it helps me to talk about it. Thanks for reading ************************************* It’s been a few months since Henry was born at home, and I’ve been reflecting on the experience. My first pregnancy and birth was with twins. My planned home birth was scuttled when my water broke at 32 weeks. I ended up on hospital bedrest for 2 weeks, followed by an induction that didn’t work, and then an “emergency c-section” for “fetal distress”. My only proud moment is that I got to 9cm (with pitocin and back labor) without any drugs for pain relief. Otherwise, this birth was pretty much everything I was afraid of. Afterwards, I clung to what my midwife said: “this is one of the cases where a c-section was necessary”. But I secretly suspected that she only said it to make me feel better. When I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with baby #3, my first thought was that this was my chance for a do-over. I looked forward to the birth. I wanted to experience a normal, vaginal delivery. I wanted to see what a contraction felt like, without the pitocin, hopefully without the back labor. The pregnancy breezed by and the birth went quickly and well. As with my first labor, my attendant (midwife Renee in this case) was surprised when she checked my progress and discovered I was fully dilated—I guess I am one of those lucky people who don’t seem to feel the full pain of labor, because from how I was acting she didn’t think I was anything close to 10cm. Pushing was no fun but finally, that too was done. Henry was born at 4 in the afternoon. I spent the afternoon and evening in a euphoric high. I’d done it! That rush faded, of course. And now, a few months later, I think I feel… deflated. I’m still proud of my HBAC, but I don’t feel like superwoman. I’m glad I got to experience labor, but I don’t think I want to do it again. It was the birth I’d dreamed of, but somehow it’s just a neutrality in my life. The previous birth was such a negative marker—I think in my heart I thought this birth would be an “equal and opposite reaction”--that as negative as the c-section was in my mind, this one would be an equal magnitude of positivity. So it wasn’t all that I’d built it up to be. It’s more along the lines of “Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.” It’s a “no big deal.” And although I don’t feel like a hero, it has nevertheless been a healing experience. I no longer secretly wonder what birth and labor is all about, what it feels like, whether I could do it too. I don’t feel like any more of a woman, but I no longer feel like any less of a woman. (I’m not saying I was any less of a woman, or any less of a mother, before, but sometimes I felt that way, if that makes any sense.) And now that I’ve had a natural birth… next time? (Not that there will be a next time, but if there were…) Next time, I might consider going to the hospital and getting an epidural. That is a measure of just how healing an experience this was for me. It’s taken all the weight out of birth and out of the hospital. Now I’m just like all the other suburban moms all around me. Maybe. Maybe not. __________________ My kids: boy/girl twins age 4 & newbie born January 2011 HBAC ISO: Koto Garden, old style Luxe soakers (with the stretchier interlock) IHA: Green Strings Avatar Last edited by poppan; 05-31-2011 at 04:28 PM.

05-31-2011, 05:04 PM	#2
JeDeeLenae Registered Users Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: SW Michigan Posts: 21,911 Ratings: 120 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Finally! Someone that shares my reaction after a homebirth. I'm having another one, but really, I wouldn't mind being in a hospital, with hospital food... Drugs... Beeping monitors... And a bunch of strangers. I really don't feel all that strong one way or another. _________________ Excuse the typos and nonsense. My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. __________________ ~Cassie~ Single Mom to Jordan 9/04 and Jaxon 6/06 and Kelli 10/08 and 1/11 and Jevin 12/11 Check out my gallery! PM me for YYMN and trades.

06-01-2011, 02:21 PM	#5
songbird516 Registered Users Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Virginia Posts: 6,154 Ratings: 36 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Re: Ruminations on my long-awaited home birth It is Interesting to hear your perspective; thanks for sharing!- I have to say that I was a little disappointed (if I can put it like that) after all of the expectation that I had built up in my head as to what labor and birth would be like, as my birth was so fast that I feel like I "missed" most of it. I definitely dont' think that I would go back to the hospital, but it wasn't everything that i thought it would be, either. So I can see where you are coming from. Congrats on your VBAC, though! If anything, you know that the birth was good for your baby, even if it wasn't what you had expected. __________________ Sara- mommy to Claire (01/10) and Micah (3/12) Birth doula and life-long student of Everything! Need a doula in the central VA area? Let's talk! www.beyondbirthsupport.com Gorgeous custom baby carriers- www.batikbabyslings.weebly.com

06-02-2011, 12:15 PM	#6
ktktbird Registered Users Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Middle east Posts: 432 Ratings: 15 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Re: Ruminations on my long-awaited home birth I am sooo glad to read your post! I have had 3 very different births, the first was with an epidural, the second was too fast for the epidural and the third a planned hb. I was kinda dissappointed in how I responded to the third. I thought I would be more prepared for the pain because I knew it would probably go fast and that I would be able to have this great, peaceful birth. Instead I think I handled the previous unmedicated birth better. Now I just kinda feel silly. I feel like I bonded better with this one and that overall, the experience was better and better for the baby, but I wish I hadn't put so much expectation into how great it would be. Anyways, glad to see someone else feeling kinda like what I feel! (I like that... been there, done that, got the t shirt! lol!!) __________________ Katie- desperately loving Jesus sahm to A (6yrs), M(4yrs), J (2yr) & married to my best friend B TTC #4

06-02-2011, 02:09 PM	#7
adavieau Registered Users Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 1,011 Ratings: 26 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Re: Ruminations on my long-awaited home birth I've never had a home birth (two hospital births one with pitocin neither with pain meds) and I'm glad to hear you say that natural birth is sometimes just not all its cracked up to be. I felt very euphoric after dd's (my first) birth but not so much after ds I was glad it was over but 20 months later I still remember how very painful and unpleasant the last part was (and nothing went wrong my midwife was great I was able to labor and push however I wanted, eat drink etc.). I'm honestly kind of dreading doing it again (due with number three any day) and seriously considering getting an epidural but I felt like I "have" to go natural since I did with the other two.