Question re: time-outs

[leadmare]

I'm going to put it out there and say I can see why the babysitter and her husband acted the way they did. Do they have kids? My lo isn't as old as yours, so not up developmentally with what's normal at that age, but I could see trying something like this if you weren't sure if the child really had to go or not. Maybe it wasn't appropriate since it wasn't her child (It was yours!) but sometimes as we struggle to teach and parent we try stuff that in hindsight wasn't such a good idea. Not saying it was a good thing to do, just saying it was a tough spot, and I'd probably grant some grace.

Also, regarding the potty to potentially get out of timeout or bedtime, I would get one of the small kid's potties. That way, if she really has to go she can. But she doesn't get to leave the timeout location or her bedroom since the potty is right there. Something to try :-)

[carriek38]

Originally Posted by Liadan23 ugh my 3 yr old does this all.the.time. he totally knows that pulling the "i have to go potty" card is going to get him out of timeout. he does have to go back and finish afterwards though. but it's soooo annoying and makes the whole punishment last like 15 minutes with all his dithering in the bathroom. but, i dunno, i just can't see making him wait. he's been pt'd probably since the begining of the summer, but i feel like he's still pretty young and it's still relatively new so i feel mean making him wait. and actually, the first few times he did it, i did make him wait. and he had an accident and then i felt really bad. i felt like it was really cruel. there's a line between standing firm and playing power games. i would be pretty pissed if my dcp did that. that's just mean. and when my ds was the age your dd is, he was only JUST pt'd, and i would have been REALLY angry. little kids who have only just pt'd don't have as good a handle on when they feel they "have to go" and aren't as good at knowing how to hold it when they do have to. so when he says he has to go, he has to GO. NOW. also, pt'ing was a huge power/control thing for my ds. any direct efforts we made to get him to sit on the potty were met with complete resistance. even now, telling him "it's time to go potty. sit down and try to go" starts a huge struggle that, imo, is not worth fighting. and, if he doesn't have to go, he doesn't have to go you know? it's perfectly believable though, that 10 minutes later he will have to go, and it will be an emergency. if we simply ask him if he has to, and show that we trust what he tells us and he controls what he does with pottying, then if he has to go, he'll go. i would be double mad at your babysitter's dh. what a jerk. i would possibly say something like that to ds if he peed on purpose (he's done this a couple times. i was NOT pleased). otherwise, i don't think it's a good idea to punish children when they have accidents. they can't control it, it's something they will gain as they get older.

Y'know, DD does the bathroom thing to prolong bedtime sometimes...but I'd estimate that 90% of the time she really does have to go. The other 10% of the time? Not worth engaging in the power struggle. And IME, she has never faked it w/ regards to TO at home. She has ALWAYS had to go. And I know that if I get busy, cleaning up, chasing DD around, cooking dinner, doing dishes, then I sit down, sometimes I realize that I NEED to go RIGHT NOW. I don't think that's uncommon, so I totally understand that happening w/ DD. She's playing, then has to stop for TO & then feels the urge. And PTing is so new that we don't punish for accidents, so that just frosts me.

Originally Posted by Kimmyann I would find another sitter. How long is she keeping your LO in time out? My 5 year old struggles to hold it. He gets a 5 minute time out (1 minute per year of age) If he has to go while in TO them he can go potty but the timer starts over when he gets back.

She'll start at the new DC the first week in December...DP & I were almost at the point of splitting the week & staying home next week just to avoid sending her back. But DD is fine & we've only got today & the full week next week. I believe DD is in TO for 2-3 minutes, but I haven't asked lately.

Originally Posted by misskira This is how we do it. I know more than one kid who would pee on timeout for power, and that's not a battle I want. Eta: I say trust your gut. Under 3 is kind of young to expect full bladder control, especially when she was already upset about time out. I also think its young to be cleaning up body fluids in general. The whole scenario seems more developmentally appropriate for a 4 year old. Or a mature 3 year old. But not 2. And I'm all for natural consequences.

I don't put it beyond DD to to something to push buttons & engage in power struggles...but having seen how distraught she gets the couple of times she's had an accident at home, I don't believe she'd do that deliberately. IDK, my DD's hygiene at nearly 3 is pretty questionable...I don't think I'd want her all in fluids, then going around the house after

Originally Posted by leadmare I'm going to put it out there and say I can see why the babysitter and her husband acted the way they did. Do they have kids? My lo isn't as old as yours, so not up developmentally with what's normal at that age, but I could see trying something like this if you weren't sure if the child really had to go or not. Maybe it wasn't appropriate since it wasn't her child (It was yours!) but sometimes as we struggle to teach and parent we try stuff that in hindsight wasn't such a good idea. Not saying it was a good thing to do, just saying it was a tough spot, and I'd probably grant some grace. Also, regarding the potty to potentially get out of timeout or bedtime, I would get one of the small kid's potties. That way, if she really has to go she can. But she doesn't get to leave the timeout location or her bedroom since the potty is right there. Something to try :-)

The sitter has a boy a little older & one a little younger than DD. She's pg w/ her 3rd. So she's done the PTing stuff before. I don't know what they did w/ their older boy. I know that I have observed plenty of things that make me really secure w/ my decision to switch her to another setting & that my gut says that the sitter either just doesn't do well w/ girls, or doesn't really like other people's kids.

DP & I joke around & we're sarcastic. DD was giving me back some pretty good stuff by the time she was 18 mos. But my instinct says that this incident crossed a line from planful interventions & possibly some good-natured ribbing to doing things that (w/ any foresight) will end with the child being demeaned. IDK, it just seems...cruddy...like something small people who need to have control, so they'll try to take control from a toddler would do.