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Old 11-23-2012, 05:56 PM   #11
happysmileylady
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Re: Coach-abilty

What is "coach-ability?"

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I feel mean because I feel this is a golden opportunity. Perhaps a little heartbreak will make her try harder, be more precise and attempt to be more coachable next time around.
There used to be a term used for this sort of thing that you are talking about here. It's called character building. It seems to be a thing many people today seem to have forgotten, in this day and age of everyone gets a trophy and gold stars are handed out for everything.

It is not mean to "want" your kid to fail so that they can learn from it. It would be mean to ENJOY your children's failure, but I don't think there's anyone here that enjoys watching their kid fail. But wanting a failure for the opportunity to learn that the failure provides? That's not mean...that's parenting, IMO. So many people today want their kids to completely avoid as much failure as they possibly can. What they miss out on when everyone is bending over backwards to avoid failure is the learning opportunities that failure can provide. To paraphrase a quote from a book I read 'making mistakes is essential to winning.' Failure isn't fun, and it doesn't feel good, so it makes sense that no one likes to feel good so they don't want their kids to fail and not feel good. But just cause it doesn't feel good, that doesn't make failure bad. Sometimes failing is EXACTLY what our kids need.

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Old 11-23-2012, 07:12 PM   #12
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Re: Coach-abilty

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Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post
What is "coach-ability?"

There used to be a term used for this sort of thing that you are talking about here. It's called character building. It seems to be a thing many people today seem to have forgotten, in this day and age of everyone gets a trophy and gold stars are handed out for everything.

It is not mean to "want" your kid to fail so that they can learn from it. It would be mean to ENJOY your children's failure, but I don't think there's anyone here that enjoys watching their kid fail. But wanting a failure for the opportunity to learn that the failure provides? That's not mean...that's parenting, IMO. So many people today want their kids to completely avoid as much failure as they possibly can. What they miss out on when everyone is bending over backwards to avoid failure is the learning opportunities that failure can provide. To paraphrase a quote from a book I read 'making mistakes is essential to winning.' Failure isn't fun, and it doesn't feel good, so it makes sense that no one likes to feel good so they don't want their kids to fail and not feel good. But just cause it doesn't feel good, that doesn't make failure bad. Sometimes failing is EXACTLY what our kids need.
I meant the ability to be coached. I view some kids as extremely coachable, if that makes sense. What I am asking is if we are born coachable or uncoachable.

I totally agree about character building. Growth is often uncomfortable or painful.

I think the hard part is, life seems to be built in with so many successes for kids now. They don't experience failures commonly, or at least it seems that way to me. Everything is softened and cushioned for them, when in fact, they probably do learn more from the failures.

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I am extremely competitive, aggressive in sports, "second place is the first loser" type personality, but the total opposite of you! Haha. I was like a sponge when I was a kid. Whatever I had to do to improve, I would do it 10x over. As long as I was the best, it didn't matter. When I was in HS, I lifted twice a day and ran 10 miles a day except for the day before game day (so usually 5-6x per week). And I was the strongest, fastest, and best at what I did - for the couple things I chose to be passionate about (like run a 5k in less than 19 minutes ).

But for the things I didn't *want* to invest in, I didn't excel. I couldn't be coached. I didn't care that my mother paid a ridiculous amount for weekly lessons from a university music teacher with a PhD in piano/music something or other. I didn't like the piano.

I think it's personality. If a kid really enjoys something, they will listen to someone who wants to help them improve (at least IME).
To me, this might be the crux. Is it possible for a kid to enjoy something, be passionate about it, but not be coachable? Because, at the young age of nine, she loves her activities. But, she has never been a coachable kid (in all areas, not just sports/arts). It is, of course, possible (even likely) that she will find some passion that will click and suddenly she will be the most coachable kid ever.

This is totally a philosophical discussion DH and I have been batting around for a while here as we watch our three kids and their different approaches to academics and extra-curriculars.
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Old 11-23-2012, 08:05 PM   #13
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Re: Coach-abilty

I guess I am having a hard time getting if you mean a kid with a strong drive to always want to improve and get better and try to be the best. Or if you mean a kids ability to listen, follow instructions, respect the authority of a coach and take constructive criticism. The former, that drive to improve, IMO is not teachable and is more about pseronality. But the latter, I think, is totally teachable.
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Old 11-23-2012, 08:28 PM   #14
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Re: Coach-abilty

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Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post
I guess I am having a hard time getting if you mean a kid with a strong drive to always want to improve and get better and try to be the best. Or if you mean a kids ability to listen, follow instructions, respect the authority of a coach and take constructive criticism. The former, that drive to improve, IMO is not teachable and is more about pseronality. But the latter, I think, is totally teachable.
I guess it is both, really. You can see why DH and I have been batting this around for a while. There are a lot of pieces to the discussion. DH was very quick to say, "Not teachable at all-- kids are born coachable or not," and this was his experience as a coach and a teacher. I am thinking of it more of an developmental and evolving skill set, that is certainly affected by inborn personality.
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Old 11-23-2012, 09:15 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by Geckmumto3
To me, this might be the crux. Is it possible for a kid to enjoy something, be passionate about it, but not be coachable? Because, at the young age of nine, she loves her activities. But, she has never been a coachable kid (in all areas, not just sports/arts). It is, of course, possible (even likely) that she will find some passion that will click and suddenly she will be the most coachable kid ever.
For me at least, the two go hand in hand. I was never super passionate about anything that I didn't WANT coaching/criticism on. If I would rather be left alone to just "enjoy" it or do my own thing, it wasn't as important to me and I wasn't as passionate about it - therefore I didn't invest the extra energy into it of strategizing/practicing/learning/improving. Kwim? I would sit down with my English teachers in HS and college with a perfectly marked paper and ASK for something to be improved upon. Writing was a great passion of mine. After a soccer game of x country meet, even if we won or I led the group of runners, I would ask how we could've handled a play better or how I could've maneuvered an obstacle more effectively.

I'm sure that is 95% my personality, though, because there are a few things that DH is passionate about, and if he "passes", he is happy - his personality is just naturally more laid back and relaxed.

I don't think this is nearly as cut and dried as your DH would like it to be. Not an easy question, for sure!
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Old 11-23-2012, 10:39 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by Geckmumto3
To me, this might be the crux. Is it possible for a kid to enjoy something, be passionate about it, but not be coachable? Because, at the young age of nine, she loves her activities. But, she has never been a coachable kid (in all areas, not just sports/arts). It is, of course, possible (even likely) that she will find some passion that will click and suddenly she will be the most coachable kid ever.

This is totally a philosophical discussion DH and I have been batting around for a while here as we watch our three kids and their different approaches to academics and extra-curriculars.
Absolutely.

That was my point earlier. I am still passionate about music, would love to play in a community symphony again someday. But.... Even with private lessons, I didn't focus on it like I should have. That didn't lessen how much I enjoyed it or how much I wanted to excel in it. But I can't explain why I just blew off practice, etc. it was just my personality.

When I got older, I was a bit jealous of people who had more drive to perfection, but it still didn't change me.

Now? I don't know, I might have reached an age of patience and maturity where I could force myself to focus more on things like that.

Does she have horrible handwriting? Lol - it seems related to me.
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Old 11-24-2012, 09:35 PM   #17
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Re: Coach-abilty

I had a new boss (sales position) once ask me if I was coachable. Of course, I told him yes. But in reality, I don't like people trying to micromanage me and tell me what to do and call it "coaching." Just let me know the resources are there...let me know where to find the information I need to improve or whom I need to ask...and when I'm ready, I'll ask.
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Old 11-25-2012, 05:44 AM   #18
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Re: Coach-abilty

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Originally Posted by EmilytheStrange View Post
Absolutely.

That was my point earlier. I am still passionate about music, would love to play in a community symphony again someday. But.... Even with private lessons, I didn't focus on it like I should have. That didn't lessen how much I enjoyed it or how much I wanted to excel in it. But I can't explain why I just blew off practice, etc. it was just my personality.

When I got older, I was a bit jealous of people who had more drive to perfection, but it still didn't change me.

Now? I don't know, I might have reached an age of patience and maturity where I could force myself to focus more on things like that.

Does she have horrible handwriting? Lol - it seems related to me.
YES! Well, maybe not horrible, but it's not great either. Does she care? Nope.

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Originally Posted by aaiya View Post
I had a new boss (sales position) once ask me if I was coachable. Of course, I told him yes. But in reality, I don't like people trying to micromanage me and tell me what to do and call it "coaching." Just let me know the resources are there...let me know where to find the information I need to improve or whom I need to ask...and when I'm ready, I'll ask.
THIS is exactly who I think she is. She has always been a person who needs to figure things out on her own. Give her the supplies and the environment and she will figure it out, if she wants to. If I had been a helicopter mom, we probably would have eaten each other by now.

In our house, this also goes hand in hand with always learning things the hard way, often through a child injuring herself or someone else. On the plus side, I tend to think this type of person knows herself and learns a lot, too.
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Last edited by Geckmumto3; 11-25-2012 at 05:45 AM.
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