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Old 01-17-2013, 09:05 PM   #21
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Re: S/o what discipline works in YOUR family???

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Originally Posted by CaylaEP View Post
DS is 2.5 and we do 1,2,3 timeouts with him. Unless its hitting, biting, bad words etc, then it is automatic time out without warning. When we started this he spent a decent amount in time out, now it isnt even a daily thing. I usually get to 2 and he is back on the right course. Sometimes I know he is just acting out, out of boredom or needing attention and I try to catch that and point him in the right direction, give ideas, or entertain him to avoid naughty things happening. if he is acting out bc of tiredness we just do an early nap and that helps 100%. I've noticed since starting time outs I've learned to read his acting out cues/what he needs much better and it has helped us both tremendously. He just has a ton of energy,and I do not.
Can I ask how long it took for your DS to get it? It's working reasonably well with my DS (same age) but once he get's a 1, it's no-turning-back for him, and he inevitably gets to 3 right away. I'm still waiting for him to understand that a 1 doesn't necessarily mean he has to have a time out.

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Old 01-17-2013, 09:20 PM   #22
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Re: S/o what discipline works in YOUR family???

My own child was very easy. Just let everything roll off her back, easy to entertain...etc.

So, with that in mind...

I used only natural consequences. If she did something wrong, she could just fess up, and then she needed to fix it. She ALWAYS told me...sometimes it was worse than others. Sometimes it was something mean to another kid. But, she had to fix it right away. I could have input on how she fixed it, but she had to come up with an idea ASAP.

If she hit or bit (she was a biter) she did get sent to her room. (not nicely either) But, if she hurt someone's feelings, or stole something from them, she was expected to make it right. She could help the other child, spend time with them, give them something to make up for what she took, broke, or used.

She was never punished as long as she told me the truth. Before I asked was always better than waiting until I asked.

SHe cut her own hair...she had to live with a stupid hair cut. She carved her name in her dresser, she had to wax it and try to fill in her marks.

If she didn't do her homework, she had to live with the consequence at school. If she forgot her lunch three days in one week, she went without lunch once or twice.

If she wouldn't get up in time for school, she walked in late and everybody looked at her, then she had to go get a late pass.

I did get angry and frustrated with her several times. Mostly over school. But, I'm not perfect, and I wanted her to know I expected more.

I was always supportive of her. But, I said "I'm sorry you are going through this, how are you going to handle it?" More times than I can count.

First and fourth grade were the only times she had bad teachers, and I went to bat for her each time. But, the rest of the years, if she came home crying about her mean teacher, I stopped her let her know I would listen, but that I wouldn't let her call the teacher mean, because we both knew it wasn't true.

I expect respect from her for the adults in her life. I did not teach her to be rude, or ever, ever, ever roll her eyes at an adult. That was not acceptable. If her dance teacher was giving up her time to teach a bunch of eight year olds how to dance to sugar shack, then by golly, my kid was going to treat her with respect. Any disrespect, and she was going home.

I said "Get in the car!" more than a few times too.

We walked out of grocery stores a few times.

I say what I mean, and If I don't mean it, I usually don't say it. So, she always knew "no" meant "no". I more often than not said "yes" anyway. It was just the two of us for a long time, so there were lots of yesses.
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Old 01-17-2013, 11:00 PM   #23
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Re: S/o what discipline works in YOUR family???

Natural consequences

Distraction

Gentle Reminders

Time outs

Loss of privileges

Early to bed

Waking up early (Ex: If you do not go to bed when your told than you need to wake up earlier as your not tired at bed time)

Toy Jail (basket in the living room that toys go in that they are not allowed to touch until I say so)

Manual Labor (Yard work, scrubbing base boards , windows and so on)

Extra chores

Doing siblings chores

If task are not done diligently the first time they do it again and again until they have done it correctly no matter if it takes 1 time or 10.

Doing for others that you have wronged(Ex: if you hit your brother you can clean his room)

Donating toys or items you have no respect for

Last resort a swift swat on the behind.

We do a lot of praise and rewards for positive behavior as well.
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Old 01-18-2013, 07:06 AM   #24
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Re: S/o what discipline works in YOUR family???

First and foremost - if my kids are having a rough day its typically a sign they are tired so an early bedtime is in store. I usually try to look at the root cause of the behaviour before deciding punishment.

Dd1 does best with positive reinforcement. Things like time outs make her go ballistic - they are totally ineffective for her because they are so upsetting she can't see the point of the 'punishment'. A heart to heart conversation where we talk through her view point and the view point of the other person helps her the most.

Dd2 is STUBBORN. When she was littler time outs would work evetually but it would take over an hour every time to get her to stay in time out. So I never did time out unless I had plenty of time to finish it. She is not attatched to any toy enough to care if it spends months hidden away. She never makes any effort to earn them back. It was her that taught me to look at the source. No 'punishment' was really effective with her so I started looking at why she did stuff. Usually it is because she's exhausted or hungry. So a rough morning means she needs to lay down at rest time for awhile. Bad afternoon means early bedtime. Sometimes an apple slice goes a long ways towards changing her attitude because she's just hungry.

Ds hates having toys taken away from him. So the most effective thing is to take away what he is playing inappropriately with. Sometimes we just need to sit and have a snuggle because he's acting up from not getting enough attention. A quick snuggle stops the bad behaviour and makes the day continue on a good foot.
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Old 01-18-2013, 07:52 AM   #25
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Re: S/o what discipline works in YOUR family???

We discipline our children by teaching them. That is, the definition of discipline after all. We start when they are babies, b/c they weren't born into this world knowing what is right from wrong, having manners, and having a general sense of what is expected. The teaching continues throughtout their entire childhood and even through their teenage years as different ages/situations come into their life. Through the learning process, mistakes will be made, accidents happen, and testing limits/boundaries will occur. It is all normal and part of the process. You can't expect a child to learn and abide........that isn't normal. They need to experience success, failure, learn how to deal with consequences of their actions, and how to recover from accidents. They need to be able to apologize, forgive, understand, and think of others.

When they are babies, they learn simple expectations. Providing a warm, loving, comfortable atmosphere is important for us as parents. They need to begin to trust and have someone they can count on to be there for them, as babies and as adults. When ours were babies, we took out the dangers related to health and safety. They are just too young to be able to grasp that idea and it wasn't worth their health and safety to use it as a learning experience. They still have plenty of time for that. So we would put safety plugs in the outlets, all cleaning & medicine was way out of reach, if I was cooking in the kitchen, they were kept clear and I was very aware of where they were, etc. Breakables or objects that could really hurt them were put away. We still had most things out for them to learn from. It was a lot of talking...."no, we don't touch that, it is not our toy. Here is a toy to play with." And a lot of redirection. At this age, time is unlimited for them. They could and would try to grab the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over again, and another 20 times just to see if anything has changed. It isn't them being bad or purposely doing opposite of what you say, it is the way in which they learn.

As they get into the toddler years, they begin to realize they have thoughts, feelings, and wants that they can express. But, this is the rudimentary phase of expression and sometimes they totally goof it up. Again, it is a learning process for them and we need to guide them through it. There will be a lot of frustration on both sides, but it is imperative to utilize communication and make them comfortable talking and listening. As a parent explaining WHY is very important, b/c they just don't know. You can't expect someone not to do something when they don't know why they can't. Again, at this age time is forever, so they will be very persistant and curious to see if they will get the same outcome the 80th time they do something.

As for safety, when they are of age to be able to walk on their own it was mandatory they either held our hand or were carried in a parking lot. We did this until age 4 or when they could walk properly through (off to one side, staying pace with me....i.e....not running ahead, and being alert/aware of cars). EVERY time we were in the parking lot we talked about cars and how dangerous it can be and that they are too little to be seen by drivers at times. When they were old enough to understand why drivers can't see them then I would put them next to the back of the car and show how their heads didn't even go over the trunk of the car and if they are shorter than the trunk, the driver can't even see them in the mirrors. We teach them that if they hear a car running, to be very careful , if they see red lights they need to stop and back up a bit, if they see white lights then they must stop immediately and back way up.

In regards to streets it is similar. They know that only cars should be in streets and going into a street is a big NO. We teach them the immediate danger voice or the absolute not voice, which is loud and stern and usually only has one word, STOP or NO.

As they get into the preschool and schoolage years the teaching continues as it grows to fit what they are going through. We teach them about tolerance, differences, reminding them to think of others and put them into their shoes, to be helpful, to believe in themselves, to be confident in what they want/like, to be remorseful, understanding, etc. As parents we model behaviour we want. Children learn quicker through seeing and example. When Dh or I make a mistake we admit and apologize and explain. If one of them is "acting up" we sit down and try to figure out why and where they are coming from. Then we work together for a solution.

It is important for us to instill trust, honesty, open communication, and empathy in our children.

If anyone of them misbehaves, then there will be a consequence. The consequence depends on what happened and who was affected. Most times the offender will have to go to a quiet area (this is not similar to time outs or being banished, it merely provides a quiet place where they can sit and think about what they did and what they should/could have done differently.) It is VERY normal for children to act before they think so I don't think an immediate punishment is deserved. Now, if they do a severe act that they KNOW they shouldn't then that is different. I will go and join them and talk to them and try to figure out what they were thinking and why they did what they did. We talk about it and figure out a better solution and resolution. For us it isn't about "punishing them", but working with them to figure out how to be a better individual.

We respect them as individuals and we want them to know that and to respect themselves along with respecting others. If we don't respect them then we can't expect them to respect anyone else, most importantly themselves.

Going back to trust, we don't promise them anything we aren't 100% sure of. Say we were thinking of going to the movie this weekend. If I am not certain we can go, then I will say "I'm pretty sure we can go as long as......" OR "We will try to make it work, but it may not b/c of....." I want them to know that if I say something I will follow through with it so they can learn the same importance.
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Old 01-18-2013, 09:31 AM   #26
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Re: S/o what discipline works in YOUR family???

DD2 is almost 8 and we "ground" her by not allowing her to visit with friends and no access to any type of electronics. Very rare that we have to discipline her anymore.

DD3 is 2 and we use time-out (2minutes) if reasoning doesn't work (she is VERY verbal, so oddly, we can actually reason with her verbally sometimes!).
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Old 01-18-2013, 09:34 AM   #27
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Re: S/o what discipline works in YOUR family???

Quote:
Originally Posted by ajane View Post
We discipline our children by teaching them. That is, the definition of discipline after all. We start when they are babies, b/c they weren't born into this world knowing what is right from wrong, having manners, and having a general sense of what is expected. The teaching continues throughtout their entire childhood and even through their teenage years as different ages/situations come into their life. Through the learning process, mistakes will be made, accidents happen, and testing limits/boundaries will occur. It is all normal and part of the process. You can't expect a child to learn and abide........that isn't normal. They need to experience success, failure, learn how to deal with consequences of their actions, and how to recover from accidents. They need to be able to apologize, forgive, understand, and think of others.

When they are babies, they learn simple expectations. Providing a warm, loving, comfortable atmosphere is important for us as parents. They need to begin to trust and have someone they can count on to be there for them, as babies and as adults. When ours were babies, we took out the dangers related to health and safety. They are just too young to be able to grasp that idea and it wasn't worth their health and safety to use it as a learning experience. They still have plenty of time for that. So we would put safety plugs in the outlets, all cleaning & medicine was way out of reach, if I was cooking in the kitchen, they were kept clear and I was very aware of where they were, etc. Breakables or objects that could really hurt them were put away. We still had most things out for them to learn from. It was a lot of talking...."no, we don't touch that, it is not our toy. Here is a toy to play with." And a lot of redirection. At this age, time is unlimited for them. They could and would try to grab the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over again, and another 20 times just to see if anything has changed. It isn't them being bad or purposely doing opposite of what you say, it is the way in which they learn.

As they get into the toddler years, they begin to realize they have thoughts, feelings, and wants that they can express. But, this is the rudimentary phase of expression and sometimes they totally goof it up. Again, it is a learning process for them and we need to guide them through it. There will be a lot of frustration on both sides, but it is imperative to utilize communication and make them comfortable talking and listening. As a parent explaining WHY is very important, b/c they just don't know. You can't expect someone not to do something when they don't know why they can't. Again, at this age time is forever, so they will be very persistant and curious to see if they will get the same outcome the 80th time they do something.

As for safety, when they are of age to be able to walk on their own it was mandatory they either held our hand or were carried in a parking lot. We did this until age 4 or when they could walk properly through (off to one side, staying pace with me....i.e....not running ahead, and being alert/aware of cars). EVERY time we were in the parking lot we talked about cars and how dangerous it can be and that they are too little to be seen by drivers at times. When they were old enough to understand why drivers can't see them then I would put them next to the back of the car and show how their heads didn't even go over the trunk of the car and if they are shorter than the trunk, the driver can't even see them in the mirrors. We teach them that if they hear a car running, to be very careful , if they see red lights they need to stop and back up a bit, if they see white lights then they must stop immediately and back way up.

In regards to streets it is similar. They know that only cars should be in streets and going into a street is a big NO. We teach them the immediate danger voice or the absolute not voice, which is loud and stern and usually only has one word, STOP or NO.

As they get into the preschool and schoolage years the teaching continues as it grows to fit what they are going through. We teach them about tolerance, differences, reminding them to think of others and put them into their shoes, to be helpful, to believe in themselves, to be confident in what they want/like, to be remorseful, understanding, etc. As parents we model behaviour we want. Children learn quicker through seeing and example. When Dh or I make a mistake we admit and apologize and explain. If one of them is "acting up" we sit down and try to figure out why and where they are coming from. Then we work together for a solution.

It is important for us to instill trust, honesty, open communication, and empathy in our children.

If anyone of them misbehaves, then there will be a consequence. The consequence depends on what happened and who was affected. Most times the offender will have to go to a quiet area (this is not similar to time outs or being banished, it merely provides a quiet place where they can sit and think about what they did and what they should/could have done differently.) It is VERY normal for children to act before they think so I don't think an immediate punishment is deserved. Now, if they do a severe act that they KNOW they shouldn't then that is different. I will go and join them and talk to them and try to figure out what they were thinking and why they did what they did. We talk about it and figure out a better solution and resolution. For us it isn't about "punishing them", but working with them to figure out how to be a better individual.

We respect them as individuals and we want them to know that and to respect themselves along with respecting others. If we don't respect them then we can't expect them to respect anyone else, most importantly themselves.

Going back to trust, we don't promise them anything we aren't 100% sure of. Say we were thinking of going to the movie this weekend. If I am not certain we can go, then I will say "I'm pretty sure we can go as long as......" OR "We will try to make it work, but it may not b/c of....." I want them to know that if I say something I will follow through with it so they can learn the same importance.
This is so much better written version of a lot of what we try to do. Especially the last bit, I try very hard to never promise what I can't gurantee.
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