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Old 01-28-2013, 07:27 PM   #1
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daycare misgivings

This will be long, I'm sorry.

My daughter is in daycare two days a week, otherwise it's impossible for me to do my work. [ETA: I'm doing the barest minimum to scrape by as it is.] The daycare she goes to is near my husband's work so he takes her with him in the mornings, and picks her up in the afternoon on his way home. His boss also sends her children to the daycare. It is *much* more affordable than any others we've looked at.


My tiny, precious daughter comes back reeking of cigarette smoke every time she goes there. I strip her off, fling her clothes in the wash and plop her in the bath as soon as she gets home. I won't let her wear her good coat there, because we couldn't get it washed and dried in time to wear it the next day. The daycare lady swears up and down that she only smokes outside, but I cannot fathom how this could be true when I can smell the smoke in the car after my daughter has been sitting in it.

Jammy *always* has diaper rash when she comes back from the daycare, and never any other time, and it looks like the irritation she'd get if she'd been sitting in poo for any length of time.

My last qualm is tenuous - but she keeps saying things are "bad". The dog will bark for example, and she'll point and call him bad. She was poised to draw with pen on her hand; I caught her eye, and she shook her head and said "bad". I hate the idea that my daughter is being called bad. It makes my heart turn over.

My husband is the one who interacts with the lady, as he drops Jams off in the morning, and his work and the daycare are an hour's drive away. I've spoken on the phone with her once. We won't be able to find another daycare as affordable and convenient as this one. If I can't work, I'll have to drop out of my degree - which I'm not wholly against, but I'd rather not have this be the issue that forces it.

I suppose my question is - would these concerns compel you to remove your child from the daycare, even if you'd have to quit your job/degree in order to manage it? Or do we stick it out for a couple of months until we find a better solution, on the grounds that I am not worried that my daughter will suffer major and irreparable harm?


Mama to my sweetheart, Jamila (5/2011); wife to my mensch, Josh. Eleanor to you

Last edited by jam's mum; 01-28-2013 at 07:28 PM.
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Old 01-28-2013, 07:30 PM   #2
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Re: daycare misgivings

Those would all be deal breakers for me. I would look for new care. Is there a college student you could hire to come to your home since you only need two days a week?
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Old 01-28-2013, 07:35 PM   #3
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Re: daycare misgivings

she is still really young, so no matter what she will get over "minor" things very quickly- she'll forget. I say minor, because while I don't consider her calling herself 'bad' a good thing in any way (please don't hear that) I've seen foster kids bounce back from serious, serious home issues in months when they're that young.

If you hate it, if your gut is telling you to pull her, then you go for it. If you feel like maybe you can stick it out for another few weeks/months to maybe find another place, I think she will be just fine and won't have any problems coping. You can always quit in a few weeks if you end up still feeling this way, but maybe in a few weeks you'll have found somewhere else.

She probably smokes in the house when the kids aren't there which is why the clothes smell. That's something she might be able to lose her licence over depending on the state. In Maryland it isn't allowed at all.
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Old 01-28-2013, 07:42 PM   #4
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Re: daycare misgivings

Have you ever been there to visit the daycare? perhaps you should take the extra time to do some of the drop offs and pickups to help make the decision. i realize it is an hour away but this is my suggestion to you.

smoking in front of the kids would be a deal breaker. but if the lady only smokes outside, WHEN is she doing this? When the kids are playing outside and she is still around them? I hope she is not taking smoke breaks and leaving the kids unattended inside.... To me, if you feel that you are going to leave anyway, I would straight out ask this provider. Have you been in the home? does the whole house reek? Maybe she is not smoking inside but someone else who lives there is? leaving the furniture and such smelling and exposing your daughter to all that, ewwww.

the diaper rash would not be a deal breaker unless it was very severe or over the top. as a daycare provider, it seems like most of my daycare kids do seem to have bouts of diaper rash that come up during daycare hours. With 8 kids in care, there is no way I can change the kids as often as parents at home can. Plus all of the kids sleep a lot better here than they do at home. If they soil their diaper during nap, I dont wake them to change. None of this results in horrendous rashes but it certainly does seem to pop up more here than at home. Another idea is perhaps an issue with the wipes being used at daycare.

The "bad" is not a deal breaker. Just because your daughter is saying it does not mean that she is being called bad at daycare or that she even heard it from the provider. She could have heard it one time from another kid and it just stuck in her head. This would not be a deal breaker for me because unless you are a complete hermit with no TV, your kids will pick up random stuff/words/habits from many different sources. It might be worth a quick, non-accusatory discussion with the provider about what you are hearing from your daughter and ask the provider how she addresses inappropriate behavior. Does she have a guidance/discipline policy? Does she know your preferences regarding this?
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Old 01-28-2013, 07:44 PM   #5
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Re: daycare misgivings

I'd start looking for alternate care. Those would make me pull her out as soon as I could. Could you place an ad on CL or in your local grocery stores for someone to come to your home?
Kim, a doing what works for us mama to S (06/01), J (03/03), M (12/07) and S (01/11)

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain. - Vivian Greene
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Old 01-28-2013, 07:48 PM   #6
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I would pull her out of that daycare no matter consequence. All of those things listed would be dealbreakers for me.
Erica, wife to Joey my HS sweetheart, Mommy to Jaybee '06, Princess '09, and my Little Sweetie '11 and My Peanut
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Old 01-28-2013, 07:56 PM   #7
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Re: daycare misgivings

All of those things would also be dealbreakers for me. I know that's such a tough spot to be in, and it is easy for someone else to say, but no amount of money being saved would persuade me to keep my kids in that situation. I'm sorry, mama, I think you should do whatever it takes to get her out.
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Old 01-28-2013, 07:59 PM   #8
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Re: daycare misgivings

Smoking would be an absolute deal breaker for me. The provider smoking "outside" wouldn't be an acceptable solution for us. In Michigan, smoking in a licensed daycare is prohibited - "outside" or not.

The diaper rash would also be a deal breaker for me. That's neglectful of her. Both of mine are well beyond their diapers but when they were, our provider took excellent care of them (I often thought they rec'd special diapering attention because of the novelty of our cloth diapers). I brought home a full wet bag every day.

I'm sorry Mama but I think your gut is talking and it's time to start looking for something else.
Emily - Proud Mama to Will (Dec 06) And Lillian Rose (Feb 09)
My Lily was 9.11lbs and delivered by VBAC - I did it!
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:02 PM   #9
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Re: daycare misgivings

How much longer is your degree program? At two days a week and for significant monetary savings I could handle these issues for up to another year. I detest smoking, but if I knew my child really wasn't being smoked around then I could tolerate the smell. I don't think the bad thing is terrible, its not great, but not terrible either. If you can find a situation you are more comfortable then I absolutely would. I would also try to schedule a visit to the ladies house on an off day. If anything tips off your mommy radar even more then you can make a better informed decision.
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:17 PM   #10
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If I were in this situation I would be pulling my kid tomorrow. Sorry but smelling like smoke is unacceptable to me. I don't care if she isn't smoking around the kids, third -hand smoke from clothing and furniture is a real thing. And the diaper rash is almost as bad. Not worth it IMO.

Can you hire a tween or teen to be a mother's helper after school? To play with your DD at your home while you study? Or study after DH is home in the evening and weekends? Is there any alternative to daycare? If I couldn't figure something out I would put my schooling on hold. Listen to your gut mama.
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