Tell me how you told *less than thrilled* parents

[SarasynFox]

Honestly, I've gotten used to the negative reaction from my family and it's gotten to the point where I just don't care. Most of my family is out of state, so it's not like it really makes much of a difference. Our contact is mainly by e-mail. We can't afford to fly our large family out there and booking a hotel with so many kids is already proving challenging, so we just gave up on making the trip until we have a car to make the drive. Then we'll probably go out in summer and camp because the kids love camping.

Thankfully my boyfriend's family is a bit of a mix. He doesn't talk to his mom because of problems in her past. He doesn't know his dad and has some issues with his step-dad. That leaves his sister who is really hopeful that we'll have another girl, but would take another boy, and his aunt and cousin, who both think we need to try once more for a girl. That's definitely made the idea of more much easier on both of us.

Most of our reaction came from friends. I had a few people tell me flat out that I need to stop having kids because I we couldn't afford it, not that she had any business knowing about our finances. I've been told that I'm just desperate for a man to support me and I'm just using my kids to live off my spouse and child support (because I'm a divorced mom). I've had people inform me that "the state pays for the surgery", and therefore that should be something I look into. Then there's the comments about birth control, which I think are awful. It's not that I don't believe in birth control. I just can't be on it because it causes some really negative side effects. Instead I'll "take my chances" and see what happens. I'm probably going to have the surgery when I turn 35 because women in my family tend to have too many health problems after 35. I don't want to risk any serious complications. However, as long as I'm healthy, I don't see a problem with it.

It also doesn't help that I'm not religious, which seems to be a minority in the large family department in my experience. It's hard to find people who understand because I can't say I'm doing what God wants of me or anything like that. I'm simply having the family that feels right to have. I'll know when I have enough children when it's either no longer safe for me medically to have any more or I'll just know it seems like we've got the family we're destined to have. A lot of people don't get that. Many can understand when it's a religious choice, but a spiritual, non-Christian choice seems foreign to them.

It definitely hasn't been easy, and we only have 4! We're not actively trying for #5, but we're definitely not avoiding it either. We've talked about it, and we've both decided when it's time, it's time. Once I get closer to 35 we'll start thinking about taking a more active approach. We've talked about the potential for twins since a high school friend of mine is pregnant with twins. We've talked about realistically having time for two more before I turn 35. It's not a stressful negative conversation, and I think because we talk so openly about it with people we know, that's also helped. Of course, we still get "When the kids outnumber the adults, that's when you're in trouble" comments when it seems like everyone has a bad day at the same time, or when we're just going through trying times as my daughter is getting into that preteen phase. Thankfully it's mostly just playful teasing. I think the fact that we can still be so happy, playful, and fun about it definitely helps keep other people feeling positive about our decision. They may not understand it, but since we seem happy enough, they really can't find a reason to mock it.

Things are going to get really crazy when my boyfriend starts getting visitations with his son, which he's fighting for. Then we'll have my two, his one (during visits), our three together, and whatever other children may come into our lives after that. I never thought I'd be so happy to be thinking of the joys of such a full house when I was younger, but now I can't picture it any other way.

[Green Decals]

My MIL has made some sny comments - but she was super excited about this baby (#3) and hasn't said anything negative since. My DH basically told her that we will know we are done when we are done, but we know we aren't done yet (and between he and I, we will probably be "done" at some point and then 5-10 years later have another)

She has said that other people in the family/church have been asking if we will be done after this, and she has been telling them she doesn't think we will be... So I think she is finally getting the clue. If this is another boy I think that #4 will go over better than if it is a girl (you got your girl, do you need any more?) but we already have 3 more boy names and 2 more girl names planned out, and it would just be a darn shame to not use them! Who cares if we have a 2 bedroom house? It's called BUNK-BEDS. :thumbnail:

ETA: I completely dispel the "kids are expensive" thing when people bring that up. They don't HAVE to be, but in this consumeristic world we live in, people MAKE them expensive. It's called hand-me-downs, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, growing your own food, and getting this thing called a J-O-B when you get to be a teenager so you can pay your way through college. Really the only thing that worries me financially is the potential for orthodontist bills. But, we follow WAPF principles so hopefully that will be minimal!

[Erin1712]

My MIL thinks we should have stopped at 2 MAYBE 3. That is why we didnt tell her about #4 until 16 weeks and she just guessed or else she still woudlnt know. And we are not closed to the idea of a #5 but she is not happy! Especially if I have a girl this time as I will then have 3 boys and a girl. Also I have been told if it is not a religious issue we should stop.

And as for bunk beds we got bunk beds from Ikea and a trundle bed to go under. And we say we have room for another set in that room. DH likes to say we have so many kids we have to stack them!

[cowangel]

I texted them so I didn't have to hear or see them or read their response if I didn't want to . Gave them time to get used to the idea and then we I did see them in person they were ok with it .

[BESMama]

My mother was not happy about any of my pregnancies, and we are financially secure, married for many years and have great kids. I was an only child. She's just judgemental.

Honestly, I just told her and asked her to keep her comments to herself. I also told her that I seriously contemplated never telling her and seeing at what point she would notice...I think she got the joke and hasn't said a whole lot.

Good luck!

[bonusround]

Originally Posted by twinpossible My hubby and I did the divided up the duty. I told my mom and he told his parents. We know my mom would be happy but worried about me (I had a late term loss before this one). We also knew his parents would not be happy at all unless it turned out to be a boy and then they would change their tune. Honestly, they are STILL nasty about it and this baby is coming in just a few weeks. It's a girl and they were very upset about that too. So all that to say I told them that we are very happy about this baby and hope that they will be too but if not then they do not have to be involved at all. I would rather have loving grandparents or none then grandparents who see my child as a "burden" (their words at Christmas, lovely right?) They just feel that two is enough and having more then two is stupid.

WHOA!? Why did they see her as a burden? Just because you already had two girls???

[Junglebugg225]

We don't know if we'll have a third, but we are already being asked about the possibility (by some) & #2 is only a couple months- but anyway, I understand ones not being thrilled, but it still would break my heart!!

[canadianbakers]

If it says anything, my parents still don't know about Hiccup.

When we told them about our first pregnancy, my mother stopped talking to me for 4 months. During that time she told my father that she hoped we would miscarry.
When we told them about being pregnant with DS1 they again were mad. They made comments about "hope this is a boy so you can get fixed and be done", asked if we knew what condoms were for or how to use them, etc.
We held off telling them about DS2's pregnancy for a while - and then they ended up hearing about it because my good friend told another friend's girlfriend... who told the boyfriend... who told his parents... who congratulated my mom. Follow that? Anyways, that all got turned around and they were really pissed at us for not telling how - "how dare you not tell us?", they were so embarrassed, we were horrid people for not telling them right away. And after I explained why we hadn't told them (because of their comments with the previous pregnancies) they denied ever having said any of it and said we were too sensitive.
We didn't tell them about DS3 until 13 weeks or so. I posted a pic of DS2 in a "big brother" shirt and let them mention it when they did. Again, the rude and crude comments. Much said about "if he doesn't get fixed we'll do it ourselves".
We told them about Elli around the same time (12-13 weeks). Again all the gross comments. When we lost her, they suddenly cared very much and were "wonderful" caring, doting parents/grandparents. They told us repeatedly that we were "not ever to do that to them again", that DH had to "get fixed so we never have to go through this again", that they "couldn't survive going through that again". The worst part, IMO, is that they told NOONE about the pregnancy, but once she was dead, they started telling everyone, like a freakin' badge or something to show off - look how strong and great we are

They've never been told about any of our 5 early miscarriages. They never will, not by me anyways.
And, as I said, they've been told nothing about Hiccup. I don't know when I will tell them. But I am seriously considering not saying anything until I can call them saying "We have another baby, born just a couple hours ago.".
They will be mad, but they'll be mad no matter when I tell them. They won't ever understand why I didn't tell them sooner, because they deny making anything other than supportive comments and just feel they do everything right and are great parents.
But maybe, just maybe, they won't make all the disgusting comments. And I can always use "the baby needs me" as an excuse to get off the phone.

(For a bit of background explanation, lol - We live in the middle of Canada, my parents are on the east coast. We see them once a year, if that. If they were visiting while I am pregnant, I would have told them - likely the day before they flew here or something. But they aren't coming out until August. Hopefully by that point they'll have had about 4 months to cool off and decide to accept and love their new grandbaby.

[melissamomof3girls]

Originally Posted by canadianbakers If it says anything, my parents still don't know about Hiccup. When we told them about our first pregnancy, my mother stopped talking to me for 4 months. During that time she told my father that she hoped we would miscarry. When we told them about being pregnant with DS1 they again were mad. They made comments about "hope this is a boy so you can get fixed and be done", asked if we knew what condoms were for or how to use them, etc. We held off telling them about DS2's pregnancy for a while - and then they ended up hearing about it because my good friend told another friend's girlfriend... who told the boyfriend... who told his parents... who congratulated my mom. Follow that? Anyways, that all got turned around and they were really pissed at us for not telling how - "how dare you not tell us?", they were so embarrassed, we were horrid people for not telling them right away. And after I explained why we hadn't told them (because of their comments with the previous pregnancies) they denied ever having said any of it and said we were too sensitive. We didn't tell them about DS3 until 13 weeks or so. I posted a pic of DS2 in a "big brother" shirt and let them mention it when they did. Again, the rude and crude comments. Much said about "if he doesn't get fixed we'll do it ourselves". We told them about Elli around the same time (12-13 weeks). Again all the gross comments. When we lost her, they suddenly cared very much and were "wonderful" caring, doting parents/grandparents. They told us repeatedly that we were "not ever to do that to them again", that DH had to "get fixed so we never have to go through this again", that they "couldn't survive going through that again". The worst part, IMO, is that they told NOONE about the pregnancy, but once she was dead, they started telling everyone, like a freakin' badge or something to show off - look how strong and great we are They've never been told about any of our 5 early miscarriages. They never will, not by me anyways. And, as I said, they've been told nothing about Hiccup. I don't know when I will tell them. But I am seriously considering not saying anything until I can call them saying "We have another baby, born just a couple hours ago.". They will be mad, but they'll be mad no matter when I tell them. They won't ever understand why I didn't tell them sooner, because they deny making anything other than supportive comments and just feel they do everything right and are great parents. But maybe, just maybe, they won't make all the disgusting comments. And I can always use "the baby needs me" as an excuse to get off the phone. (For a bit of background explanation, lol - We live in the middle of Canada, my parents are on the east coast. We see them once a year, if that. If they were visiting while I am pregnant, I would have told them - likely the day before they flew here or something. But they aren't coming out until August. Hopefully by that point they'll have had about 4 months to cool off and decide to accept and love their new grandbaby.

Wow. I am so sorry. I can't imagine.

[elizabeth.scalf]

Like some PP have mentioned, send a cute announcement or something. When pg #3, I took a video of the midwife getting a heartbeat, and my older two (young at the time) saying 'It's the baby!' and sent it to my mom in an email. Then she was able to call whenever she was ready. Luckily she was supportive, if surprised.

She was understandably unsupportive of my first. We were unmarried. We tried to project happiness about it, so we said 'We have some great news to share!' (she thought we were announcing that we'd eloped.). But we said we were pregnant and her initial response was... 'I'm not sure that's great news.' Nice, huh?