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Old 02-14-2013, 06:05 PM   #31
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Re: Can't leave DD

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Originally Posted by aemarques View Post
Do not get me wrong with my other post please. He does not drink during the day and if I had to leave her with him for any reason he knows ahead of time and if he had been drinking and I couldn't take her with me I would not go.

I do not leave often in fact its only been twice: the first for less than one hour and the second for two hours. She always comes with me.
Yes you got flamed as a result of his drinking post, don't take it personally. I come from a long line of alcoholics, my father being one of them, and he never endangered me... Much like your DH he didn't drink everyday, but when he did, he never had a built in indicator telling him he had a enough. And there is really nothing that makes that sort of person a bad, untrustworthy, parent. I think you are just tired of being the primary caregiver and source of nourishment for your DD while your DH continues to go about life as he always did before baby. There is some resentment building inside of you towards your DH, because you are doing most of the work with your child. Even though your aren't saying it outright, your posts are screaming that you need a break. I'd bet your DH is more than willing to help, he's just frustrated that you are frustrated, but at the same time your unwilling to let go and turn the care of your child over to the other parent.


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Originally Posted by aemarques View Post
Aye I feel like these posts backfired.

He does talk to her love on her and cuddle her. I have made the mistake of not giving him a single responsibility with her. I'm picky and prefer to be the one to change her diaper, bathe her dress her and obviously nurse her. I WANT to do it and enjoy every second of it.

Now that shes eating solids DH really has been enjoying feeding her. Maybe that will be his thing with her.
Although I do like the idea of him taking on maybe the bathing and dressing at night. She definitely still needs to be nursed to sleep, its one of her biggest feeds and I wont take away that nutrition.

Its hard because he works LONG shifts over an hour away so shes still sleeping when he leaves and already in bed when he gets home. So basically 4 days a week they spend no time together.
You are a control freak, and I mean that in the most gentlest and nicest way Momma, because it's coming from another control freak, myself. You just admitted it by saying "I'm Picky and I prefer to be the one..." Reading that sentence was like looking in the mirror at myself, definitely something I'd say. What I've learned the hard way, now that we are on child #2, is I have to let my pickiness (i.e. need to control) go or I will drive myself crazy, take it out on DH, and my children. I can justify my need to control, just as you are doing in the post above - making excuses about your DH working long hours, etc, as if it is somehow his fault. What really needs to happen is you need to force yourself to let go of control over your daughter, and not feel guilty about taking time for yourself. Whoever is caring for her while you are having Mommy Time, might put her diapers on crooked, dress her funny, not warm her milk up "just so", but in the whole scheme of things it isn't going to harm her. It's going to drive Control Freaks, like us, crazy when we return to find her in that mismatched outfit, but you have to step back and see that in light of it, she is still okay and perfectly fine. This explains a lot of her fussiness when you leave, because she's feeding off your anxiety over her, and need to control every aspect of her being. She knows no other way to exist unless she is in Mommy's presence. As much as we want them to stay little forever, we've got to teach them to become independent little beings, and spending time away from Mommy during the first year is natural and healthy. I suggest you use some of the suggestions I've given you in my earlier post. Then plan a big night out with your girlfriends, because you need it Momma, whether you realize it or not.

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Old 02-14-2013, 06:22 PM   #32
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Re: Can't leave DD

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I don't mind her being attached to me at all. I love that she needs me and I happily hold and wear her 95% of the day.

Its just irritating that when I need to get something done or even shower I can't with out him coming to be within 5 minutes that I'm taking to long and to hurry up he has things to do.
Um hello I'm trying to shower my only time alone! And then as soon as I hurry up and get out he plops his butt on the couch and gets on his phone!!

I know its my fault partly too but ugh! I just really wanted to see if anyone else was in the same boat.
Mama, you and DH need to have a frank discussion, and you need to set some boundaries with him. "Honey, I am taking a shower. You are going to need to watch DD for half an hour while I do so. Even if she is crying, I am taking some me time, and you need to tend to her while I do so." And then walk away, go up to the bathroom, and lock the door. He'll get the message.
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Old 02-14-2013, 06:23 PM   #33
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Yes you got flamed as a result of his drinking post, don't take it personally. I come from a long line of alcoholics, my father being one of them, and he never endangered me... Much like your DH he didn't drink everyday, but when he did, he never had a built in indicator telling him he had a enough. And there is really nothing that makes that sort of person a bad, untrustworthy, parent. I think you are just tired of being the primary caregiver and source of nourishment for your DD while your DH continues to go about life as he always did before baby. There is some resentment building inside of you towards your DH, because you are doing most of the work with your child. Even though your aren't saying it outright, your posts are screaming that you need a break. I'd bet your DH is more than willing to help, he's just frustrated that you are frustrated, but at the same time your unwilling to let go and turn the care of your child over to the other parent.

You are a control freak, and I mean that in the most gentlest and nicest way Momma, because it's coming from another control freak, myself. You just admitted it by saying "I'm Picky and I prefer to be the one..." Reading that sentence was like looking in the mirror at myself, definitely something I'd say. What I've learned the hard way, now that we are on child #2, is I have to let my pickiness (i.e. need to control) go or I will drive myself crazy, take it out on DH, and my children. I can justify my need to control, just as you are doing in the post above - making excuses about your DH working long hours, etc, as if it is somehow his fault. What really needs to happen is you need to force yourself to let go of control over your daughter, and not feel guilty about taking time for yourself. Whoever is caring for her while you are having Mommy Time, might put her diapers on crooked, dress her funny, not warm her milk up "just so", but in the whole scheme of things it isn't going to harm her. It's going to drive Control Freaks, like us, crazy when we return to find her in that mismatched outfit, but you have to step back and see that in light of it, she is still okay and perfectly fine. This explains a lot of her fussiness when you leave, because she's feeding off your anxiety over her, and need to control every aspect of her being. She knows no other way to exist unless she is in Mommy's presence. As much as we want them to stay little forever, we've got to teach them to become independent little beings, and spending time away from Mommy during the first year is natural and healthy. I suggest you use some of the suggestions I've given you in my earlier post. Then plan a big night out with your girlfriends, because you need it Momma, whether you realize it or not.
I 100% agree and I,too, am a crazy control freak when it comes to the kids. I didn't take time away from them and it has caused issues. DS won't let anyone do anything if I'm in the house. For example, if I ask DH to get DS's jammies on or buckle his carseat , or help him with his coat DS will yell "no! Mommy do it!". He does that because he is 4 years old and I literally do it all and I always have. I get him dressed, I feed him, I give baths, I get him on the bus, I.do.it.all.
ODD is the only one who isn't so bad and it is because I let DH do much more with her from the get go since I only nursed her for 3 months. Anyways, all that to say don't feel bad about letting go a bit and taking short breaks. Even if just 30 minute walk around the neighborhood.
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Old 02-14-2013, 06:27 PM   #34
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Re: Can't leave DD

In my child development class I learned that sometimes babies don't feel as comfortable being held/soothed by dad than they do by mom. The baby catches the vibe from the parent, and if dad is not that comfortable then the baby catches on to that making baby not comfortable and then the cycle continues. Instead, and I don't want to sound rude or anything, of leaving baby with dad knowing she's going to just cry, dad should try to interact with her more while you are there letting her know that dad is ok too. Like family snuggling time on the couch, start off with you holding her and then in the middle, and then with dad. Or all playing on the floor together and then you get up to go do something for a few minutes and if she's fine then make it longer.

ETA: And I don't believe clingyness is your fault, it is more common in certain personality types, not because you don't ever leave her (never left my kids and I do not have clingy children, I have just the opposite).

Last edited by JennTheMomma; 02-14-2013 at 06:33 PM.
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Old 02-14-2013, 06:33 PM   #35
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Re: Can't leave DD

Thank you I know I am a control freak haha it runs in the family. My sister and I are alike in that we like to put babies diapers on "just so". So they are perfect and comfortable and leak free. I have let go a lot and try to remember that if something is not comfortable or bothering her then she will cry about it. and if not, then she is perfectly fine.

Im going to try to get him into the routine on the nights that he is off and i bet it will help not only with their relationship but also with his drinking

i am happy to care for her and don't necessarily need or want a night out but it would be nice to wash the dishes or do the laundry with out carrying her in the wrap on my back haha I truly just want to clean the house! or be able to leave when I have to and know she won't scream her head off with him. Also she IS high needs/spirited and we both have known that for a few months now.
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Old 02-14-2013, 07:19 PM   #36
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Re: Can't leave DD

it didint sound like you were saying that he doesn't hold her or want to watch her. I just totally know how it feels to not be able to get a break. the first few times I tried to leave her with my husband it didn't work out very well and she cried but since I started letting him do stuff for her too all the time she's much more used to him. Im a total control.freak too, Like I have to match her diapers to her outfits-just an example, and do everything a certain way and I had to let go a lot to get to where were at. also bc there's two I can't do everything, but I know what you mean the kinds of things I want to do are clean the house bc I also have to do.that a certain way lol. sometimes I will be in the kitchen and hear her fussing and go in the living room and he's on his phone and she wants attention. I think guys are kinda like that generally too. she also nurses to.sleep and so putting her to bed is my thing but sometimes he can put her back to sleep rocking and pattin her butt so I don't have to wake up. (she still wakes up a lot of times a night and its exhausting so its nice to share the wake ups every once in a while) after she's nursed if she's fighting sleep either at nap or bed time he can take a turn too and its nice that she will go to sleep for him. my ex was a jerk but I def wasn't sayingyour hubby is like that I just know how it feels to not get a break. the older she gets and the more time she has with him she will get comfortable with him too and you won't be the only caregiver forever. also i know what you're saying about the social drinking not fun for.you but not a danger to baby. once they're both comfortable together you may even get to leave the house and do a few.things without baby. we'ver def had to work our way up to that but now at 7 mos Im totally comfortable leaving and I know he's totally got it. like someone else said he has to gain his.confidence and she will sense it too

Last edited by LaurenAppenzeller; 02-14-2013 at 07:30 PM.
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