Reply Hey Mom! Learn more about the Gerber Life Insurance Grow-Up Plan!
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-15-2013, 09:00 AM   #1
PurpleFluff's Avatar
PurpleFluff
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 438
Foster son's sibling

Don't post here often, but I need some advise. It will probably get long...fair warning. We've been foster parents for 2 years. We have a 3 year old with medical needs who we will adopt next month. We also have a 13 month old who we've had since he was 6 months old. They are going for termination and for us to adopt, but we all know things don't always work out the way. FS's mother is pregnant, due May 1. The termination hearing for FS is late May.

We had said all along we will take the newborn if it comes into foster care, and at this point it will come into care unless Mom takes off and delivers somewhere else. FS was an easy baby, a good eater and sleeper and very laid back. When he turned one all that changed. He is being evaluated for fetal alcohol, possible autism, neurological problems and genetic/chromosomal problems. He also has some motor delays and other delays. He is exceptionally clingy to me. He throws a fit if I step out of the room. He wants to be held constantly and he is not anywhere walking, so I carry/wear him a lot. He is over 20 lbs and I have a bad back.

We are fully committed to him, no matter what these issues turn out to be. My issue is that I am regretting saying we will take the newborn sibling. He is so demanding, I cannot imagine having him and a newborn. But if we say no, I am afraid they will want to move him to keep the sibs together (although the workers insist they want him to stay here and they believe this is the best place for him).

There is a selfish part of me that wants to say ok, take the newborn and limp along until we (hopefully) finalize the adoption, then tell them we can't handle both. But it feels so wrong when I think that. I am hoping a family member will step up and take the newborn. There is one who refused to take FS because he had been here 6 months at the time and was very attached (yay for someone who sees the big picture!) But maybe this person will take the baby at birth.

Anyone have any words of wisdom? The thought of having DS cry for me while I tend to a newborn is heartbreaking. But I don't want to lose him by saying no. It's eating me up inside.

Advertisement

PurpleFluff is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2013, 10:25 AM   #2
newmommy13's Avatar
newmommy13
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 7,750
No way they would take your dfs for saying no to the newborn, here anyway. Dont discount the family yet...I've had our dfs since july and no one cared about him or his siblings. Now there is a family member that got licensed specifically for the newbor twins and refused the others. It blows my mind but it happens.

Also if you take the newborn how can you be so sure your won't fall in love while limping along? It could happen!
__________________
I, mama to dd A (3-08) dfs J (10/11) and in love with newbie dfd N! (10/13)
hopeful pre-adoptive foster family

Last edited by newmommy13; 03-15-2013 at 10:26 AM.
newmommy13 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2013, 10:48 AM   #3
Mama2ManyBoyz
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,608
Re: Foster son's sibling

My first thought is that the due date is still three months away. A lot could change for your little guy in that time. Why not pray that things get easier and hope for the best?
__________________
Thrifty, homeschooling Mama to 5, 14 yr old K 9 yr old E 4 yr old B , our lil' man 2 yr old H and our newly adopted little princess J Forever missing our foster children J, M, L, L D, & E
Mama2ManyBoyz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2013, 02:29 PM   #4
Chris10's Avatar
Chris10
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NC
Posts: 772
Re: Foster son's sibling

I'd have a frank talk with fs's social worker. He or she should give you an honest answer about whether they would try to keep the siblings together, or know that they can easily place a newborn, and tell you it's not big deal.
Chris10 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2013, 05:03 PM   #5
Amandamama
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 373
Re: Foster son's sibling

I understand what it's like to have a medically needy difficult child, I have one.

I'd lean towards trying to take the newborn if you think you can handle it, but if you don't think you can & don't really want to try, don't take the baby.. Focus on the kids you already have. Talk to caseworker about kepping the kids together, but since he's been with I this long, I imagine it'll be ok. We've been specifically told that if ds's bio mom has another baby, we would be offered the placement, but they would. Certainly understand if we passed because of ds's medical needs & the liklihood of another child having the same needs.
My biggest recommendation whether u take the newborn or not is to get a good baby carrier for his correct size, so u can carry him more without killing your arms & back. Look past mainstream baby sized carriers and look for a good quality bigger carrier. Kindercarry (website online) is a company that makes infant, standard, toddler, & preschool sized Kinderpack child carriers that buckle on your front ir back like a backpack. They are excellent & well made.
Amandamama is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-16-2013, 06:54 PM   #6
PurpleFluff's Avatar
PurpleFluff
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 438
Thanks to everyone for the input. DS had a very rough day today, and unfortunately he just seems to not be handling things well lately. I'm hoping the evaluations that are coming soon with give us some answers. It just makes it hard to even think about a newborn on top of this. I guess what I want is for a family member to step forward for the newby and take the decision out of my hands, lol. I think if that doesn't happen, we will take the baby and pray for the best. Thanks again.
PurpleFluff is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-16-2013, 07:06 PM   #7
M&LMom
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 153
We were asked if we would consider taking any siblings our dd's birth parents would have. They are older and another baby is pretty unlikely. We said "We don't know". Now that it's been two years, if the situation arose, we would say heck no! Dd was our first child and has special needs and I grossly underestimated how tough it would be. Of course I'm so so happy we have her, but I would never say yes to something like that if I had doubts. I really don't think they would take your baby away when you're so close to adopting. Good luck!
M&LMom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-17-2013, 10:07 AM   #8
britsuz90
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Naperville, IL
Posts: 1,055
My Mood:
Re: Foster son's sibling

Here in IL, the parents of any foster/adopted kids have the right to be offered a child. When YDD was born 2 years ago the two families that had her sibs were offered her, but like your FS the kids had lots of issues. Both moms have expressed feelings like you have that they couldn't have handled another and that their youngests should be the youngest, but that they were sad that they couldn't take her in. The boy just older than YDD was placed with the first foster family for a while, but changed placements because they couldn't handle him. They ONLY moved him and not his 2 sibs.

They will not disrupt a good placement for a child, so that they can be together. The SW, GAL, etc all asked us to continue visits with each other. Since YDD came into care as a baby and never lived with her sibs we do infrequent visits since they do not really have relationships, now that court ordered visits are over.

YDD has so far not had any real issues. We have stranger anxiety from abrupt disruptions in placement. She was tox + for cocaine and mom used alcohol, but she does not have any Dx. She is ahead developmentally.

If you did take the baby you should get a subsidy because FS would have one.
__________________
Brittany, wife to Rawlo , mom to dd T (10/01), ds M (6/07) & ds O (3/09)
cloth diapering, baby wearing, part-time homeschooling, LDS SAHM who volunteers www.pafoundation.com
metabolicmama.blogspot.com
britsuz90 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2013, 08:15 PM   #9
Robin's Avatar
Robin
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 3,113
My Mood:
Re: Foster son's sibling


Another thought - Do you know anyone else who is a foster parent (or who would be willing to become a foster parent) - like a good friend or a family member, who might be interested in the newborn? Then the siblings could grow up near each other and have a chance to have a relationship since the families know each other. Just an option if there is anyone that comes to mind for you.
__________________
Mommy to DS 10 , DS 8 , DD 7 , DD 4 , DS 4 , and DD 1
~Our family has been built by birth, adoption, and foster care~
ISO/IHA
Robin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-29-2013, 09:09 PM   #10
pickles09
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 17
My Mood:
Re: Foster son's sibling

.

Last edited by pickles09; 04-15-2013 at 06:10 PM.
pickles09 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Copyright 2005 - 2014 Escalate Media. All Rights Reserved.