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Old 03-27-2013, 12:04 AM   #1
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Worried about a friend

I have a friend who is pregnant and having a hard time with it. She's been married less than a year, but wasn't really preventing- occasionally taking bc pills. She talks a lot about being depressed, everything she's going to miss out on because of the baby, being scared of accidentally hurting the baby, things like that. She says she doesn't want it, but her husband does. She works very few and unsteady hours, so the baby will mostly be home with her during the day. I'm worried about her and don't know how to help. She has talked to her ob about feeling suicidal and they gave her some antidepressants and I think she's taking them, but wont agree to counseling. I'm worried about her and increasingly worried about her baby. She has a history of being dramatic, and I don't know if this is part of wanting attention and making people notice her and worry? But then I was thinking, what if it is that bad or worse and the baby is in some kind of danger. Maybe not that she's hurt the baby but neglect or not bond with him or her. I don't know how to ask if she has thoughts of harming the baby. WWYD?

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Old 03-27-2013, 12:36 AM   #2
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No advice other than I was always taught that people don't talk about suicide and depression for attention. If she's talking about it than there is a problem.
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Old 03-27-2013, 12:48 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by RunawayBunny
No advice other than I was always taught that people don't talk about suicide and depression for attention. If she's talking about it than there is a problem.
This - what the pp put
Also maybe you can volunteer now to take the baby for 1 afternoon or evening per week that way she will know she has some adult time to look forward to after the baby gets here.

Also did she say she might accidentally hurt the baby like cuz baby is so tiny she might hurt it's arm or something when she is caring for it like changing its clothes or something -that is a normal fear I think

Or did she mean it like she might lose it and harm the baby?!
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Old 03-27-2013, 05:50 AM   #4
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Re: Worried about a friend

If she is talking to her doctor about it too, then that is good. Is she talking to her husband about her thoughts?

I would make sure to give her that hotline number and make sure to tell her that counseling is SUCH a good thing. And then pray for her. Beyond that, I'm not sure what you can do.

I had my first our first year of marriage (though I was so siked about it)... maybe you can tell her that because it happened so soon in their marriage that they are not going to have this HUGE change to get used to in their marriage and life because it's not like they've had 2-6 years of JUST them and then had this baby. I was shocked to see how different it was between me and my dh vs. my siblings and their spouses who waited to get pregnant (there are perks to both way, but maybe just talk up her way since she's having so much trouble).
Tell her that because she is having the baby now, that'll leave more time in their later years to experience all this fun stuff vs. waiting till they are 40 to have their baby (I'm sure there are perks to both, but again... point out positive of what she's doing). My 4th baby will be out of the house when I'm 44... I think it's fun I'll still be young enough to do things I've always wanted to do.
Tell her that many women are worried they will have post-partum depression before their first baby. In the back of my mind, I was worried I would get it. I asked my mom, grandma, sisters if they experienced it and they said no and that helped (some say it can be genetic).
Remind her it's okay not to be excited about having a baby. Not every woman feels that (my sisterinlaw and aunt did not at all... they both turned into these amazing mothers though. They always joked before kids and said they were not maternal at all and would probably eat their young). I think there is a movie called "Waitress" with that storyline (the woman hates that she's pregnant) and it's just great at the end, when she has the baby and it's totally different than what she thought.
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Old 03-27-2013, 12:22 PM   #5
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She is very late 30's and is still going out about every night. She "couldn't afford maternity insurance", but has been on two carribean vacations, and a few others in the us this year. . She has never really worked a full time job that I know of.
As far as harming the baby, she has just said it on the context of being afraid of accidentally harming the baby, like dropping him or her. Not that she thinks she'll snap. That's just my worry for her.
A couple of her friends have had pp depression, myself included, and talk to her about it. I had some fertility problems and had wanted a baby for years and still had horrible anxiety and depression, so I can only only imagine how she must feel with the extra conflict of not wanting the baby.
I just want to be able to do something to help her. I know this is a huge step for her as far as having to do some (late) growing up. I think she could be a really good mom and happy with her baby if she could get past the panic and resentment.
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Old 03-27-2013, 12:25 PM   #6
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And to the pp about being serious about suicide.. Yes when you put it that way I totally agree. When I was thinking of it in terms of her being a bit of a hypochondriac I was thinking maybe attention, but this is definitely something to be taken seriously. Glad you helped me rethink that.
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