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Old 04-10-2013, 03:21 PM   #1
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Need to vent

Ok I really just need a place to express my frustration without hurting anyone's feelings (my husband) and maybe to get some advice from other mom's. I have been left wondering lately if my expectations are just too high or if my husband is just getting lazy.

Here's the situation. I am a mom of three (1, 3, 6) with a pretty demanding job. I run a drug and alcohol rehab center for women. I also work as a waitress on the weekends so my husband can be the stay at home parent to our 3 children. I love that he is a stay at home dad and he is great with the kids. However, when it comes to getting the practicle every day stuff done around the house it has just been non-existant lately. He procrastinates around important phone calls, he now owes the bank money because he had them draw from the wrong account and it keeps getting worse because he just isn't handling it. This is only one example of personal issues that need to be addressed that continue to fall by the wayside. Forget a "honey do" list because nothing gets done. I know I am making him sound horrible right now and he is a wonderful man but this is getting ridiculous.

As for my house, I am so sick and tired of coming home to a disaster after a long and draining day at the office. While I know that taking care of 3 children full time is no picnic and is very busy and demanding, is it too much to ask that I can at least walk in the house without falling over toys, to a sink full of dirty dishes, dirty laundry scattered all over the house and kids still wearing pj's? It puts me right on edge and I just want to scream! I try to talk to him about it and it goes no where. He gets defensive and takes things personally. Sometimes I really wonder what the heck it is he does all day. There are many times where I am taking care of our kids full time and manage to get the house cleaned, dinner made and laundry done among other things. Am I being unrealistic to expect the same thing? Our kids are not high maintenance and still nap so what is the problem.

Really need some help putting this all in perspective.

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Old 04-10-2013, 03:46 PM   #2
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Re: Need to vent

I am the SAHP, DH us the WOHP. And I admit there are days thet DH comes home to toys scattered all over the floor, a sink full of dishes and dirty (or clean) laundry all over. It's not every day, but sometimes it's several days in a row. That doesn't mean I did nothing, in my case I am usually running errands or cooking or something. I am guessing he isn't going anywhere though since the kids are still in PJs.

Is he new at this stay at home dad thing? Is he maybe still adjusting?

Do you ask him what he does all day? I don't mean in a "what the heck do you do all day if you aren't cleaning?" manner. I mean in an interested "how was your day? What did you and the kids do today? You talked about going to the park yesterday, was it nice over there?".
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Old 04-10-2013, 04:35 PM   #3
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Re: Need to vent

DP & I both WOH, so I can't sympathize 100%, but DP is a teacher & has (in the past) had a great deal of time off over the summer, both before & since DD's birth. I don't expect her to be make the house spotless while she's home, but I do feel like there's time to do something productive on most days (we all like to kick back & relax occasionally). I can handle toys all over the floor if the dishes got done, or the dishes still in the sink if the grocery shopping got done, KWIM?

I think, as long as you reflect & make sure that your expectations about how much he should get done are fair, that it's okay to talk with him about it...especially in terms of how the chaos & mess affect you & that you'd like to check in with him to see what you can do to help it be more manageable for him (maybe he's overwhelmed now that the youngest is mobile?).
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Old 04-10-2013, 04:41 PM   #4
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My DH is the same way if he has a day home. On days I sleep in the kids aren't even dressed til I get up and do it. He's just a procrastinator. Drives me crazy. Maybe you guys need to have a serious talk about expectations. Everything doesn't need to be spot less, but he probably has time for dishes one day, laundry another, cleaning a 3rd. I would ask him what he would expect you to do if you were home and he was working.
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Old 04-10-2013, 07:04 PM   #5
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Re: Need to vent

Thanks for all the great advice. I really like the idea of asking him what he and the kids did during the day as a way to try and figure out what is going on. Like you all said it's not a matter of dealing with the clutter if something else gets done. Lately not much of anything is getting done, even the things I specifically asked him to take care of. This isn't typical for him and he is usually really on top of things. I think that is why it is so frustrating. I know what he is capable of and yet he is not even begining to meet the bar he has set. Guess it's time to have one of those "talks" and find out what is going on.
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Old 04-10-2013, 11:24 PM   #6
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Re: Need to vent

I'm a WAHM, and I've had this convo with DH before. In reverse of course. He will come home and it looks like nothing got done, and he will ask what I did all day.
The truth is, sometimes it's just not easy to deal with a bunch of monkeys....errr....kids, all day, and then want to clean. In between fussiness and clinginess, there's meals, drinks, snacks, baths. It's understandable that some days, nothing really gets done but tending to the kids.
OTOH, if it goes for days and days where nothing other than tending to the kids gets done, I'd have to talk to DH if I were you. As the stay at home parent, I'm assuming he also has household responsibilities to tend to and they shouldn't be ignored just because he is tired.
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Old 04-11-2013, 03:25 AM   #7
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Re: Need to vent

Quote:
Originally Posted by agraves View Post
Thanks for all the great advice. I really like the idea of asking him what he and the kids did during the day as a way to try and figure out what is going on. Like you all said it's not a matter of dealing with the clutter if something else gets done. Lately not much of anything is getting done, even the things I specifically asked him to take care of. This isn't typical for him and he is usually really on top of things. I think that is why it is so frustrating. I know what he is capable of and yet he is not even begining to meet the bar he has set. Guess it's time to have one of those "talks" and find out what is going on.
I could have written your OP, and let me be honest, the hinting and being subtle approach didn't work for us. I recommend just being direct. We had to sit down and have that uncomfortable conversation. Feelings were hurt, people got defensive. It was worth it in the end. I threw out suggestions, he did the same, we came to a compromise. He didn't want an actual to do list, but now we both have a better understanding of expectations.

Nobody wants to be that person who asks what do you do all day, but I reached my breaking point. Some days coming home from an 11 hour day at XX weeks pregnant, having to pick up dishes from the day before all the while he sits and plays on his iPad on the only spot on the couch that is even free to sit on is too much. I've been the SAHP before, I know how it can be, but when it gets to be a regular thing you have to say something.
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Old 04-17-2013, 12:26 AM   #8
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I am the sahp here. Sometimes i let the house get like that for a while. I have done it in depression, mostly from needing a break, and from getting behind a few days and having a hard time catching up. Either from lacking motivation at the out of control mess or just not knowing where to start.
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Old 04-17-2013, 08:09 AM   #9
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Re: Need to vent

Quote:
Originally Posted by Angel89411 View Post
I am the sahp here. Sometimes i let the house get like that for a while. I have done it in depression, mostly from needing a break, and from getting behind a few days and having a hard time catching up. Either from lacking motivation at the out of control mess or just not knowing where to start.
Me too. I am a part-time SAHP, and what you're describing, OP, is exactly what happens to me when I'm depressed. Usually in winter. Is it possible that your husband has depression as well?
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Old 04-18-2013, 12:03 AM   #10
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Re: Need to vent

Dh is the SAHP and I am the WOHP, but dh goes to school at night. So, I get home and he walks out the door, except Weds night when I am home for 2 hours before he leaves. Each night when he comes home, he yells about coming home to a mess. I want to rip his head off each time. I'm also in grad school, and I have to try to get my work done, nurse the baby, make dinner, do my lesson plans, etc etc. I try really hard to make sure the house is clean but when I have a whole 3 hours to get everything done, it sometimes just doesn't happen. Yes, the kids make a mess with the toys, because they are playing while I am trying to work.
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