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Old 02-24-2012, 08:04 PM   #1
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4/9 Update and Soul Searching....My best friend died that night.

On March 16th my husband and I drove 100 miles out to the city where they had moved my best friend to visit her and show support to her husband and children. They had taken her off of life support and allowed her to breathe on her own with only IV fluids administered and oxygen through a tracheotomy. She was in the hospice section of the hospital and it was so odd to be surrounded by people waiting to die. Most of them were what I'd call old, so I felt like my 33 year old friend did not belong here.
Her husband left me alone with her and I sat and talked to her about how much I had missed her in the last few months when we hadn't seen one another and how sorry I was for being so critical and not praying more with her. I painted her nails a hooker red the nurse gave me. It couldn't have been a more appropriate color, as red was her favorite and she was one with flashy tastes.
When Jessica and Hunter (her 12 year old daughter and 6 year old son) got there I couldn't take it anymore and I left the room to cry. I expected Hunter to fall apart, but he didn't really seem to realize what was happening. But Jessica had asked Ben if she was doing good and he whispered "No" in her ear and when she started crying, I couldn't handle it anymore. I took Jessica back to my other friends house with me so that I could nurse my daughter. She was clinging so hard. All in all, we spent the day in and out of the hospital together, talking about her mom and her dad and whether or not she should hope. I told her that I thought it was better to hope today and be disappointed tomorrow than to worry today and deal with the same disappointment, should it come. I finally left for good at about 7pm. Jessica asked me if I would stay in Fargo that night and I told her I didn't know, but I would come back every Friday while Dena was alive.
My husband and I couldn't decided whether or not we were leaving or staying the night. About 5 minutes after we decided to go home, I got the call from Ben. He was on the side of the freeway, on his way back home, and all he said was "She's gone." He hadn't called James (the kids father) yet so I told him I would and he never answered me when I asked him if he was coming back. I left immediately and called James to meet me at the hospital. Ben never did come. He said he didn't want to see her dead and had told her so just before he left to go back to their baby. She had died 15 minutes after he and the kids left the hospital and 1 hour after I did. I called the hospital and told the nurse who answered what I was coming for and who was meeting me. I told her that I didn't know how to tell them their mom was dead and she said she would meet me.
When I parked my car, I saw Jessica jumping out and she kept asking me, "Is my mom dead?" I feel so bad about it, but I lied and said that I didn't know, but I knew it was bad. When we got closer to the room the nurse came out, and I could tell that she kept waiting for me to tell them. I couldn't do it. Jessica almost fell to the floor when they told her. She did let me hold her, which is a testimony to her grief, as Jessica is very private and has a personal space bubble a mile in diameter.
We sat in that room with their mom for almost 2 hours. I kept getting calls from my husband to come feed the baby, but Jessica kept begging me not to go and I just couldn't leave her there.
It was oddly beautiful in a way. There my friend was with her white skin and red nails contrasting so sharply with it. You could feel no presence in that room at all and this is the first time I have ever really seen someone dead, outside of the coffin. Jessica asked me several questions in that room that night that have permanently altered my perspective on life and death.
First, she asked me if her mom knew she was sorry. The instance she was asking about was something petty and childish. Something all parents forgive their children for without needing to be asked. I told her I was sure that she did. It dawned on me as I said this that is was DEFINITE. I KNEW that her mother forgave her. And I KNEW that she forgave me too.
She asked me if her mom really was in heaven. Again, I said that I knew she was...And I did. I can't explain how sure I was and why I was so sure. Dena was a Christian, but how can anyone be assured of another persons salvation? But I knew it.
She asked me if I thought I would see her mom in heaven. Again, I said yes. This knowing hit me like a ton of bricks. I know more than I know anything that the answer was yes to that question, and it made me smile and made me happy in a place where you shouldn't have any gladness. I had never before been so assured of my own salvation.
I did finally convince Jessica to leave her mom, as her mom was already gone. She came home with me the next day and spent the week with me. We talked a lot that week about her mom and looked up videos she had done on youtube. We planned and carried out a celebration lunch for her mom for after the funeral. We used my red princess house dishes and put red roses and tulips all over the house. We bought Jessica a red dress to wear and makeup and we got her hair done specially for the funeral. She hugged me herself when she went back home with her dad, and I told her that I would be an aunt to her and the woman in her life if she wanted me to be. She said she did.

I have not yet had the time to really sit with the knowledge that Dena is gone and recognize it. I've been singing my son the Cherokee morning song often and singing it to myself as the sun rises. Dena used to sing that song to her children and I remember sitting outside her room once and listening. She would never sing it if she knew I could hear her, but she had such a beautiful voice and we played it at the funeral.
Time is so short on this earth. Really, what is 33 or 100 years compared to forever? I will never again allow a relationship to become irreconcilable. And I will never again waste my short amount of time here with the people I love. An older woman I know who lost her husband after 55 years of marriage gave me this advice before I got married. "Never let him feel too secure. You should always keep him guessing just a little so that he keeps pursuing. And never let him walk out the door without a kiss and an I love you. One day, he won't walk back in and you'll regret it for the rest of your life." I'm going to live like that from now on.

Dena was tagged in this video on youtube and her personality is really summed up in this. It made me cry when I first watched it after she died, but it also made me laugh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3vFmWVcqvY






Previous Updates Below:

Her name is Dena. She has a mass in her brain and it just hemorrhaged. Details on next post.

3/6
The bleeding has stopped and they are reducing her coma meds. They said That her blood pressure and heart rate increases when someone is in the room talking to her. That is great, it implies that she is aware of their presence on some level. The doctors are saying her chance of survival is excellent now but they will not know how bad the brain damage is until she wakes up. There is A chance she won't wake up at all, but that is getting smaller. Her DH is working on A plan to get her kids from the ex now. Please pray it works. Please pray she can walk and talk away from this.


2/28
Ok, so there has been new information given by the surgeon. Apparently, Dena had bled about 4 pint of blood into her brain before she even reached Minneapolis. And she is still bleeding. They have placed a shunt in her skull to drain off some of the fluid and have her on the highest dose of medication they can give her to stop the bleed. They told her DH today that if the bleeding doesn't stop or she has another hemorrhage, that is the end. BUT, it has slowed down. If the bleeding stops, they will back off on the meds and attempt to monitor for brain activity.
So, FIRST request: Please pray the bleeding stops!
On top of this, the surgeon is saying that her brain stem shows minimal damage but with the amount of trauma caused by the hemorrhage, they don't expect her to escape brain damage. They are also saying that any damage is probably not isolated to the left side (where the mass was) and that it will likely affect her right as well. They told her DH that if she survives and has the type of damage they anticipate, she will either be in a coma or live out her life in a nursing home with no independent function. If that is the case, I know he will decide to let her go. She told me once that she would ask God to let her haunt me if I ever let her live like that.
So, SECOND request: Please pray that Jesus will heal her brain. Pray that the swelling and pressure will return to normal and she will maintain her independence. Pray that the doctors will be able to record strong brain activity and that God will give them wisdom.

Lastly, Please pray for Ben, Jessica and Hunter
Ben is devastated right now. He is hopeful, but this is really tearing him apart.
Jessica and Hunter now have their lives in their fathers hands. I know this sounds harsh, but he does not love those children very well. They need their mother, especially Jessica.

2/26 Last night, her DH called me and when I answered the phone the first thing he said was "It's gone!"
The surgeon had said that he got some of the mass out and they did an angiogram and the mass is totally gone as far as they can tell! They also said that it looks like any brain damage might be minimal. They are keeping her in a medically induced coma to let her brain heal for the time being so I don't know when they might try to let her wake up. Her DH told me that they said that right now it is looking very good for her. Praise God!
An additional prayer request is for her two children, Jess and Hunter. Her exDH has them (can I say yuck?) and he has decided to take them out to Minneapolis to see her. Is he nuts? She is in a coma! Hunter is only 5 years old and her DH is very upset about this but there is nothing he can do. Jess has convinced her dad to do this and now it's going to happen. DH has informed the hospital to not let the ex in the room (very bad and she would hate it) and to have a nurse escort the kids. Hopefully this does not cause any drama, but I agree completely that the EX does not belong there. On top of all that, EX has told the kids that there mom is not going to be able to take care of them now so they are going to live with him..
(Pray for me too, I am not feeling so Christian about him right now )

Anyway, this is all such a miracle. She was told she wouldn't survive this pregnancy. She did. She was told she would never survive a hemorrhage. She has. She was told this was inoperable because the surgery itself would kill her. She lived. She was told she would never be the same after. Let us pray that if she is any different, it is only for the better! And the DH and I have reconciled through this (long story and not the place) which is another blessing!

Please keep praying for her. She is not out of this yet and things could change very quickly!

2/25Her DH told me that she made it through the surgery but she has bled a lot. Her risk for stroke and brain damage is VERY HIGH. Also, her newborn is BFed and is with the MIL. This is going to be hard on both of them for her to be gone.

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Last edited by ~MamaMayhem~; 04-09-2012 at 08:25 AM.
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Old 02-24-2012, 08:10 PM   #2
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She has had this AVM all her life. Found out about it with her second child and was told she would never survive the pregnancy. Well she did and her son is 6 now. She just gave birth to another daughter, named Faith, 12 days ago. Her mass hemorrhaged about 3 hours ago and they are life flighting her to Minneapolis right now. She and I haven't spoken in months but I just called her husband when I heard this and he said it doesn't look good. Her daughter Jessica is driving with him out to Minneapolis tonight and his mom has Faith and Hunter. Please pray for a miracles and that I can say I'm sorry.

Almost all typos provided care of my iPhones stupid auto correct
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Old 02-24-2012, 08:12 PM   #3
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Re: My best friend might die tonight. Please pray!!!!

Hugs and prayers to the family.
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Old 02-24-2012, 08:12 PM   #4
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Re: My best friend might die tonight. Please pray!!!!

Praying for her, her family and you also.
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Old 02-24-2012, 08:13 PM   #5
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Re: My best friend might die tonight. Please pray!!!!

Praying.

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Old 02-24-2012, 08:17 PM   #6
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Re: My best friend might die tonight. Please pray!!!!

Positive thoughts and prayers out to you and your friends
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Old 02-24-2012, 08:56 PM   #7
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Re: My best friend might die tonight. Please pray!!!!

Praying!!
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Old 02-24-2012, 09:14 PM   #8
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Re: My best friend might die tonight. Please pray!!!!

She's in my thoughts. So are you. I'm sorry - I hope somehow she pulls through.
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Old 02-25-2012, 06:10 AM   #9
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Re: Update-Please Read My best friend might die tonight. Please pray!!!!

bump for update
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Old 02-25-2012, 06:27 AM   #10
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Sending prayers to Minneapolis!
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