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Old 05-06-2017, 03:41 PM   #11
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My DH's 20-year-old niece has requested that my 4-year-old son be her ring bearer for her wedding this fall. I'm fine with that, but there is one small problem. I have a 9-year-old daughter as well who adores her big cousin and was hoping to be the flower girl. Our niece has a 6?-year-old half-sister that I'm assuming is going to fill that role. I don't have a problem with that, I was just hoping she'd make room for two flower girls or ask DD to be a junior bridesmaid instead. I'm afraid that DD's feelings are going to be hurt if DS is included and she's not. Thankfully my MIL had the same concern when DH told her about the situation and was going to talk to my SIL about it. And my DH understands where I'm coming from. I really don't want to be an overbearing aunt trying to run the show. Honestly, if DN had asked DD and not DS I wouldn't have blinked twice because he would be too little to know what he's missing, and he's not the most outgoing kid anyway. But DD loves that kind of thing and is old enough to know that she wouldn't be in the wedding. And honestly, I'm afraid DS might be too scared to walk down the aisle in that role without his sister. Am I being unreasonable for wanting DD to be in the wedding, too? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
In MVHO, you're way overstepping. It's not your wedding or your day.

If you have reservations about your son, that's normal... and in fact, brides generally expect hiccups with the youngest wedding party members. It's not unusual for a LO to lose their minds, throw a tantrum or panic.

This in no way involves your daughter or your desire for her to be in the wedding.

It's just like birthday parties, where 1 child is invited and not others. This is life, and teaching children to be supportive when good things happen for other is just as necessary a skill as it is for adults to do the same.

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Old 05-16-2017, 12:21 PM   #12
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

We dont do fair in our house. Your niece has made her wishes known for her wedding. I will be honest in saying that it almost sounds like using your son role to push your daughter into the wedding also. In your SILs position if you approached me about how it would be unfair to your daughter I would pull your son out instead of throwing her in. Let her have her day. Take this moment to talk to your daughter about how things dont always go as we planned or wanted.
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Old 05-16-2017, 12:31 PM   #13
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

I agree with both of the last two posters but I'm curious what ended up being said and how this turned out.
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Old 05-16-2017, 05:57 PM   #14
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One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

We didn't have the get-together on Mother's Day. Tentatively planning it for Memorial Day weekend.

We had a similar dilemma for our wedding. My DH has 3 sisters. I wanted to pick one of them to be in the wedding but DH said he didn't want to risk hurting his other two sisters' feelings. And he wanted to keep the wedding party small. So we gave them each other roles, but none was a bridesmaid. None of his brothers-in-law were groomsmen, either. His nephew was an usher, and his niece (the one getting married) was our flower girl. His other niece was too young to be in the wedding. Basically, if we couldn't include everyone in a specific role, we didn't include anyone. That's the perspective I'm coming from, I guess. Plus I thought it would be fitting to have our daughter to be a flower girl for our flower girl. I'm not going to push the issue myself, but like I said, I'm not the only one in the family who had the concern, so it may already be out there being discussed.


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Old 05-18-2017, 04:01 PM   #15
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We didn't have the get-together on Mother's Day. Tentatively planning it for Memorial Day weekend. We had a similar dilemma for our wedding. My DH has 3 sisters. I wanted to pick one of them to be in the wedding but DH said he didn't want to risk hurting his other two sisters' feelings. And he wanted to keep the wedding party small. So we gave them each other roles, but none was a bridesmaid. None of his brothers-in-law were groomsmen, either. His nephew was an usher, and his niece (the one getting married) was our flower girl. His other niece was too young to be in the wedding. Basically, if we couldn't include everyone in a specific role, we didn't include anyone. That's the perspective I'm coming from, I guess. Plus I thought it would be fitting to have our daughter to be a flower girl for our flower girl. I'm not going to push the issue myself, but like I said, I'm not the only one in the family who had the concern, so it may already be out there being discussed. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I appreciate your details.

However, this is someone else's life and choices. There should be nobody talking behind her back or undermining her choices.

Either you are supportive of her, or you are not. If the discussion is happening around you, I would be taking the position to end it, not continue it.

Every generation, and person, does things in their own way. Certainly, they don't need to be subjected to how everyone else thinks it should be transpiring. It's stressful enough planning an event with a people weighing in on their own personal wants.

It's time to help others see that your collective opinions aren't her way AND put the bride first.
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Old 05-18-2017, 05:23 PM   #16
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

Not knowing your family dynamic/relationships makes it kind of hard to reason out accurately...a lot is just subjective based on that. But it seems like a lot of discussion with those who are not making the decisions would not be helpful. Honestly, if you are really concerned about it (and you have mentioned reasons for this) I would talk to the bride. And then leave it at that, and like the previous poster said, take the position to end outside discussion, rather than add to it. It's ultimately her decision, and while I personally (though I may be in the minority on this) see nothing wrong with talking with the bride privately in a non-confrontational, non-emotional way about your concerns, it really should stop there. Accept her decision, whatever it is, and help your daughter through it if it isn't what she is hoping for, and commit to supporting your niece totally. The end. It's only a wedding, after all. Don't let it put a wedge in your family relationships. It isn't worth it.
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Old 05-18-2017, 05:40 PM   #17
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

I certainly don't plan on causing a rift in the family over it. I'd just like to know if it was an oversight on her part or if she had a reason for doing it the way she did. She and my daughter have been pretty close, so I guess that's why I'm a bit confused about this. If there's only room for one flower girl and no more bridesmaids, fine, I'll let it drop. I just need to know what to tell my daughter when she asks why her brother is included and she's not so she doesn't feel like her cousin slighted her. Since this is through DH's family, I do have to wonder if he needs to be the one to talk to her so it doesn't seem like I'm stepping on a bunch of toes.


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Old 05-18-2017, 06:56 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by coquelicot
I certainly don't plan on causing a rift in the family over it. I'd just like to know if it was an oversight on her part or if she had a reason for doing it the way she did. She and my daughter have been pretty close, so I guess that's why I'm a bit confused about this. If there's only room for one flower girl and no more bridesmaids, fine, I'll let it drop. I just need to know what to tell my daughter when she asks why her brother is included and she's not so she doesn't feel like her cousin slighted her. Since this is through DH's family, I do have to wonder if he needs to be the one to talk to her so it doesn't seem like I'm stepping on a bunch of toes. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
To be frank, she doesn't have to answer either one of those questions (oversight or omitted). The sense of entitlement on this issue is so grave, I cannot read this without saying it again...

Under the circumstances you presented, an honorary role was specifically request of 1 child. There's nothing further. You are entitled to no answers; it was their choice. Obviously, it's not what you would have done, because she was your flower girl, and you think your daughter should be her flower girl. But, there's no nostalgia to be relived here.

The confusion that exists is that you cannot (or won't) accept that your daughter was not included; and therefore, you felt justified in participating in discussions about the bride and her choices, essentially bad mouthing her and marring her name amongst other family. And that is mind-boggling to me, all because you wanted your daughter included, so a bit of pushing and maligning seems reasonable to you. A bride and groom should have their special day, without being spoken poorly about by family or having to kowtow to some ridiculous request to include all of someone's children in their wedding. The day isn't out anybody, but the bride and groom, and the good wishes and good fortune that should be wish upon them.

To answer the question your daughter "might" ask: they wanted a ring-bearer; your brother is a ring-bearer.
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Old 05-18-2017, 07:06 PM   #19
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

Um, I've never bad-mouthed her, either on here or IRL. I would never do that. My husband told my MIL that DS was asked to be a ring-bearer. Her next words were, "What about (DD)?" DH said that she hadn't been asked, and my MIL said that she'd talk to my SIL. I didn't say a word in that conversation. I had just walked into the next room from outside, in fact, and heard that exchange. I have only expressed concerns to my DH and on here and that was it. That's the last I've heard about it, and that was weeks ago. Then again, DH has been out of town a lot and hasn't been in constant contact with family.


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Old 05-18-2017, 07:40 PM   #20
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

It sounds like you have plenty of opinions to pick from :-) and ultimately what you will DO is up to you. I'm sure you will do the best you can and it will turn out fine. Every family is so different, that what would work out fine and be totally acceptable in one family would be way overstepping in another. It depends on the relationships you all have and the way you approach things. But prepare yourself for that talk with your daughter. She may not understand and she might be sad, but in real life things happen that aren't fair and that we don't understand, and we need to know that we will get through them and we will be okay, that we can be supportive of those we love and ultimately it isn't about us. That's your part, to teach her that. Good luck.
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