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Old 02-25-2009, 08:45 PM   #21
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Re: Positive Adoption Language

Does P/APs mean potential/adoptive parents? I am thinking so, but wanted to make sure!

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Old 02-25-2009, 09:13 PM   #22
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Re: Positive Adoption Language

I would think so guysmama.

I never really thought about the birthmum thing. I personally have no issue with it. But I can understand. On the otherhand, Abbys bio father is just that. He's biological. Nothing more. I can't bring myself to called him her birth father.

I think this is a great post. It's really needed. People should be educated about adoption, and all aspects. I love how I can see this from all perspectives through people I know and on forums such as this. It's a great eye opener.
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Old 02-25-2009, 10:49 PM   #23
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Re: Positive Adoption Language

Yes, it means prospective/adoptive parents. In all the cases I used it I meant both, but was too lazy to type it all out. Sorry, most of the sites I talk about adoption on are strictly adoption sites and that is just part of the lingo.

I would have hated it if my daughter called me her birthmother when we reunited, but I probably would have allowed it. She has no idea (thankfully) that she could do just about anything and I would accept it, I am just so happy to have her in my life. Our situation is actually very sad. She calls me her mom and calls her adoptive parents by their first names. I would rather have her call me a term I loathe than for her not to have a great life and a set of parents that she could have been happy with.

Well, I got really off track there. My point was that if you do reunite, I would guess that no matter what your firstmom's personal feelings on the subject, she will just be so happy to know you are alive and well that anything else will be secondary.
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Old 02-26-2009, 01:08 PM   #24
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Re: Positive Adoption Language

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Originally Posted by seahawk View Post
Yes, it means prospective/adoptive parents. In all the cases I used it I meant both, but was too lazy to type it all out. Sorry, most of the sites I talk about adoption on are strictly adoption sites and that is just part of the lingo.

I would have hated it if my daughter called me her birthmother when we reunited, but I probably would have allowed it. She has no idea (thankfully) that she could do just about anything and I would accept it, I am just so happy to have her in my life. Our situation is actually very sad. She calls me her mom and calls her adoptive parents by their first names. I would rather have her call me a term I loathe than for her not to have a great life and a set of parents that she could have been happy with.

Well, I got really off track there. My point was that if you do reunite, I would guess that no matter what your firstmom's personal feelings on the subject, she will just be so happy to know you are alive and well that anything else will be secondary.

Thank you for explaining it to me. I am sad that your daughter did not have the relationship with her adoptive parents that you would have wanted. I honestly don't think that my first parents would want to meet me, but if they did I will keep what you said in mind! I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings as I am grateful that they chose to give birth to me at all.
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Old 02-26-2009, 01:15 PM   #25
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Re: Positive Adoption Language

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I actually think the term "birth mom" is offensive. It makes me feel as if I am nothing more than a vessel that gives the child life through my birth canal.

If my daughter ever referred to me as her "birth mom", I would probably cry and it breaks my heart when I hear other people refer to a natural mother as a "birth mother".

Natural mother, yes. Birth mother, no.

I'm on a couple of adoption/adoptee forums and this is a recurring theme. Many, many, many consider that term to be derogatory and insulting so you might want to consider that, too.
I'm an adoptee. I don't feel comfortable calling my birth mother my "natural mother." I think it implies that there is something UNnatural about the mother who raised me. It's not biological, but it's not unnatural, either.
I don't think I'm comfortable with the term "first mother," either. But I do have somewhat of a difficult adoption history. So....

As for other language.... referring to my biological mother as my "real mom" has always bothered me. I don't consider her to be my "real mom," y'know? She's my biological mother or birth mother.
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Old 02-26-2009, 01:27 PM   #26
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Re: Positive Adoption Language

My cousins call their biological Mom their Tummy Mummy (they are 3 and 5)
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Old 02-26-2009, 01:48 PM   #27
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Re: Positive Adoption Language

I always HATED it when people would assume that because three of us were white like our parents that we weren't adopted! I remember being shocked when I was about 8 when a boy said something about me not being adopted! So I wish people wouldn't assume that because some of your children may look similar to you and some do not that they know which are adopted and which are not. Even more important, why should it matter.
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Old 02-27-2009, 04:58 PM   #28
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Re: Positive Adoption Language

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My cousins call their biological Mom their Tummy Mummy (they are 3 and 5)
Tummy Mummy is an awesome term! I really like that my dd calls me Mutti (german for Mum). Actually it sounds more like Mamoo right now
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Old 02-28-2009, 12:54 AM   #29
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Re: Positive Adoption Language

One of the first questions when a baby is born is "Who does he/she look like?"
While I understand this and have read so many stories of adoptees in closed or international situations finally looking into the eyes of their biological children and seeing themselves for the first time, I still can't get my head around it. I think this is a quality that was given to me as to prepare me for my path in life, adoption. I have NEVER been able to the see resemblance in babies and children that others do. Unless it is a complete 'mini me' I just don't see it. I see each person, baby/child/adult, as being their own unique person. They look like themselves.
My son has similar coloring to my DH and my daughter has similar coloring to me. I am CONSTANTLY being told how much my DD looks like me and how 'lucky' were are that our children look like us, even by our immediate family members. I don't really see it. And it bothers me to no end (eta - not the 'not seeing it' - it is that others think they see it and constantly say it - that bothers me').

My answer: There are only so many features God has in his bank to distribute. He is bound to duplicate some and by coincidence he may have within our family. My children look like themselves, they are their own person and they should be proud of who they are. I understand the initial ' who does the babe look like' stuff, it just is and will always be... I just wish people could understand that it really does not matter.

I hope that rambling made sense!
I am happy for this thread. It is education that helps us all to understand each other.
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Old 02-28-2009, 11:47 AM   #30
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Re: Positive Adoption Language

Quote:
Originally Posted by OnTheJourney View Post
One of the first questions when a baby is born is "Who does he/she look like?"
While I understand this and have read so many stories of adoptees in closed or international situations finally looking into the eyes of their biological children and seeing themselves for the first time, I still can't get my head around it. I think this is a quality that was given to me as to prepare me for my path in life, adoption. I have NEVER been able to the see resemblance in babies and children that others do. Unless it is a complete 'mini me' I just don't see it. I see each person, baby/child/adult, as being their own unique person. They look like themselves.
My son has similar coloring to my DH and my daughter has similar coloring to me. I am CONSTANTLY being told how much my DD looks like me and how 'lucky' were are that our children look like us, even by our immediate family members. I don't really see it. And it bothers me to no end (eta - not the 'not seeing it' - it is that others think they see it and constantly say it - that bothers me').

My answer: There are only so many features God has in his bank to distribute. He is bound to duplicate some and by coincidence he may have within our family. My children look like themselves, they are their own person and they should be proud of who they are. I understand the initial ' who does the babe look like' stuff, it just is and will always be... I just wish people could understand that it really does not matter.

I hope that rambling made sense!
I am happy for this thread. It is education that helps us all to understand each other.
I understand what you mean, but it really does matter in several important ways.

One that you alluded to is genetic mirroring, or being able to see people who really do share your features. I never really noticed things like this, as you said. I guess when you grow up with the availability of genetic mirroring, you don't even notice it. Most of the adoptees I know were curious about seeing others that looked like them, but were shocked at how much it impacted them when they did see family members.

Also,there was some research done, and I don't have the link handy but I know it's available online about outcomes for adoptees that showed that transracial adoptees did better in certain areas than adoptees who looked like the adoptive families. If I remember correctly, the theory was that when you don't look like your family, adoption is more out in the open than when the adoptees look like they fit into their adoptive family more.

I guess this is a little off topic, so since I have already gone there I'd like to add that I really enjoy your posts in this area. I love to see adoptive parents who are well educated on the ethical issues of adoption.
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