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Old 12-15-2009, 12:23 AM   #1
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We may have a match! Advice needed...

We are pursuing open private domestic infant adoption. Today we received a call from our attorney with a potential match. After talking to the expectant mother counselor that is involved, it looks like we are the top choice and will be meeting face to face on this Friday.

I'm so excited...but also at a loss. I have NO idea what to say or ask. I don't want to offend her at all by asking something I shouldn't, or talking about something that I shouldn't, etc. Yet I want to present ourselves as OURSELVES. The counselor said to expect a couple hours for this first meeting. I want to make it as comfortable as possible for everyone involved. Help me out! If you have adopted, what was your conversation like the first time you met your match (so to speak)? Or if you chose adoption for a child, please tell me what the adoptive parents said/talked about/asked that was most helpful for you.

Background...this is a very young expectant mother who just turned 16. The baby's father is not in the picture. The girl has a father who is supportive to a point, but her mother is deceased. She seems to have her head on fairly straight and has had to mature quickly out of necessity due to her life circumstances. She has goals in mind for a career, is realistic about what she can handle, and is trying to make good relationship decisions with her dating life at this point. Thankfully she has been very responsible since she found out she is pregnant and sought prenatal treatment immediately, hasn't touched alcohol or drugs, and overall has had the baby's health front and center. I can't imagine what all of this must be like for a 16 year old and I want to make this meeting as smooth as possible for her.

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Old 12-15-2009, 04:09 AM   #2
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Re: We may have a match! Advice needed...

I wish I had some advice to offer to you, but I don't have any experience with adoption. I just wanted to wish you good luck on Friday. Sending you positive vibes for a good meeting with the birth mom
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Old 12-15-2009, 06:08 AM   #3
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Re: We may have a match! Advice needed...

All I can say is I was there at 17, but kept the baby. What an emotional rollarcoaster it is, for both parties. JJust know that she's probably thinking the same thing about y'alll right now. Scared of what is ok to ask and what isn't. Don't be fake. Be you and lhk that she can be the same with y'all. Will it be a closed or open adoption?

I know when I was considering adoption for my son (11 yrs ago) the first thing that was on my mind was that I wish I could at least get pictures periodically as he was growing up just to "know" him and "know"he was happy. Not an open adoption, but just pictures. However, I know that is scary for a lot of adopting parents. Just thought I'd throw that out there because she may be thinking the same thing.

Congradulations and my hopes and prayers are with your family and the girl.
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Old 12-15-2009, 08:30 AM   #4
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Re: We may have a match! Advice needed...

I have no advice but I hope it goes well for you.
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Old 12-15-2009, 08:32 AM   #5
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Re: We may have a match! Advice needed...

Tiffany - just be yourself & everything else will fall into place! Congrats & my fingers are crossed - I know how much you want this!!
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Old 12-15-2009, 09:24 AM   #6
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Re: We may have a match! Advice needed...

How exciting!! I talked to the expectant mom on the phone a few times first which made it a bit easier to meet her face to face. We met last Friday. We have spent quite of bit of time together since then. I will be praying that it goes well for you all. Just be yourself like others have said. I would let her talk most and ask questions of you all. Do you have things that would be a "deal breaker" on your end? If not, then I wouldn't ask a ton yet...maybe if the conversation goes well then you ask some. Just let her get to know you all and about your life. HTH a little. Keep us updated.
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Old 12-15-2009, 10:42 AM   #7
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Re: We may have a match! Advice needed...

Quote:
Will it be a closed or open adoption?
It will be an open adoption. It is what she wants and given what we know about her thus far we are comfortable with what she is asking. We also live about 45 minutes from each other so it is realistic to make it happen too, assuming she stays in the area. She is young so I realize she has her whole life ahead of her and things can change, but we will work with it wherever she ends up.

I never thought of it from the perpsective that she's probably wondering what to say too...but that makes sense. She's probably asking herself the same questions we are! That makes total sense.

Maybe having her counselor there too will help break the ice. She's been working with expectant moms for 17 years so she'll know a thing or two!

At this point we feel the young lady has been very forthright with information. There are no dealbreakers that we see right now...I realize things can change, but at this point there is nothing we've been told that concerns us or even flashes warning signs.

Thanks for all the advice and keep it coming! I'm learning here and very new at this.
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Old 12-16-2009, 08:50 AM   #8
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Re: We may have a match! Advice needed...

Hi Tiffany, I have done this twice now, both Bmom were very diff. but both boys fit into our family so well.

She will know quite a lot about you already from your homestudy and photo album, I would have a lsit of questions just to help the flow of the conversation going, be honest tell her you wrote them down because you were nervous you wouldn't remember anything, it is fine to let her know this, I think admiting it could put you both at ease.
I am not an expert but my advice is to be yourself, she already likes you, she just needs to see you in person and hear your voice and imagine you as a mother. Does that make sense.
Both of our meetings that both resulted in successful adoptions, in fact we are finalizing tmrw on our youngest! Woohoo!! We talked for quite a while, it was nice.
Just go into the meeting as if you are meeting a bmom who is making an adopton plan, see if you can not look at her as your bmom already, does that make sense.
I have a huge respcect for all bmoms so it isn't hard to like any of them, I'm sure you feel the same love for bmoms everywhere.
feel free to PM me with any questions, I would love to help more if I can.
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Old 12-16-2009, 10:54 PM   #9
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Re: We may have a match! Advice needed...

Congrats Tiffany! Praying for everything to go smoothly....

Hmmm, advice I can offer... Ask her lots of questions about her and her likes/dislikes/all sorts of things. Answer her questions honestly, but try not to go on too much in the first meeting. Try to make it about the expectant mom and not so much the baby. And be yourself! You will do great I am sure.

When is the baby due?
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Old 12-18-2009, 12:59 AM   #10
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Re: We may have a match! Advice needed...

The baby is due March 25th. So...that is around 14 weeks! A boy! We are sooooo hoping tomorrow's meeting goes really well and we will be on our way to adopting this child!
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