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Old 05-27-2014, 11:52 PM   #1
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Struggling with loss

Hi all,

I'm sort of new here, mostly just been lurking and asking questions about CD in the off chance I actually have kids at some point. I've been struggling with a fairly recent miscarriage, and I guess I just need to vent. I don't know, maybe I need therapy.

This past Christmas, I miscarried when I was about 3 weeks along. I knew I was pregnant because of the implantation bleeding, fatigue, cramping and bloating, suddenly having a sense of smell (due to year-round allergies I can barely smell anything), sore breasts, etc...but still hadn't had a positive pregnancy test, that's how early on in the pregnancy it was. It was a bittersweet miscarriage, at first. Despite my dream of becoming a mom, I was terrified of having a child under the circumstances.

First of all, being an unwed mother would cause my family, except for my brother, to pretty much shun me. Most of my family is strictly religious and sex before marriage is unacceptable; an illegitimate grandchild definitely cannot be accepted into the family. I depend on my parents for financial support from time to time, and felt that without them I could not make it as a single person, let alone a single parent.

Secondly, a few weeks after we started sleeping together, I found out my boyfriend's ex-wife was in fact not an ex after all. They were still married and living together, although things were not well between them and they had recently started divorce proceedings. Despite not following my religious upbringing anymore, I still cannot morally justify sleeping with a man who will be getting divorced but still hasn't yet, and ended things with the baby daddy, Matt. We had been using a condom, but some had gotten out one of the times the beginning of December. I wasn't supposed to ovulate for more than a week after that, so I didn't worry about it.

Four days after I ended things with Matt, December 17, I had the implantation bleeding and insanely sore breasts. The next day, all the other pregnancy symptoms started, and what I had suspected from the night before was pretty much confirmed. December 20th, I knew for sure I was pregnant. I was torn between being elated that my dream of becoming a mom was finally coming true and being devastated that it had happened under these circumstances. I had no idea how to break the news to my family. To admit to my parents that I had slept with a married man, even unknowingly, was unthinkable. They would make me feel like crap for having premarital sex with a married man, not caring that I didn't know he was married at the time and ended things as soon as I found out.

To make matters worse, when I told Matt about the pregnancy, he made it very clear that he was going to have nothing to do with the baby because then his wife would find out about his affair and it would make things worse for him in the divorce. If I came after him for child support, I'd regret it, he threatened.

I was terrified. I didn't want to be pregnant but am 100% against abortion, so that was out of the question. I knew having the baby meant I'd lose most of my family and childhood friends (also very religious people), and couldn't bear the thought of such loss. Surely, losing the baby would be less painful, and I actually wished that I would miscarry (albeit, feeling very guilty about it).

December 22, I stopped feeling pregnant. December 23, I started bleeding...sort of. It was mostly just mucous with a little bright pink blood here and there. And OMG the contractions! They were not typical period cramps, and they were off-the-charts painful! I finished work that night somehow...I really don't know. I didn't have health insurance and could not afford to visit a doctor, so I spent 4-5 hours researching miscarriage online and determined to see a doctor as a last resort if nothing happened within a week (most websites said a doctor would only intervene if things weren't progressing after a week). Because it was so early on in the pregnancy, I had a high chance of no complications and decided to take my chances.

It was torture, but still I was relieved beyond belief that I was miscarrying. I could save face with my family and friends, they wouldn't have to know anything had happened, and life would carry on as normal.

December 24, I drove to visit my family out of state to celebrate Christmas. I was spending the night with them. The bleeding had increased, but still was not even close to my normal flow, and the contractions were about the same. At times I grimaced and my mother saw it and asked if I was okay, and I told her it was just a bad crampy period (I've had extremely severe cramps during my periods from time to time my whole womanhood and she knows that, so she bought that excuse).

December 25, I drove home. The whole Christmas celebration was mostly a blur. On the outside, I was happy-go-lucky as normal so my family didn't suspect anything was up, but on the inside I felt like I was dying. I was relieved to go home and be alone. Somewhere along the 3.5 hour drive, the contractions started getting better. I got home, went to the bathroom, and right there was the sac with my baby.

I immediately lost it emotionally. I was overwhelmed with regret for wishing this beautiful miracle would die. The eye sockets were beginning to develop, and I could see where the spine would be. I have a horrible memory so I take pictures of all the things I want to remember, and somewhere along the lines I had the presence of mind to take a couple of pictures of this precious little being. I bawled my eyes out for a few hours. The next day, I had to work no matter what, and I realized I needed to carry on with my life. A couple of coworkers knew about the miscarriage and made me take it easy for a week or so, and some customers could tell I was suddenly depressed and showed concern but didn't pry. I had no complications, so I never did go to the doctor. I didn't know what to do with the sac, so I put it in a container and put it in the freezer. It's still there.

Since then, I've never stopped wishing there was a way I could bring my baby back to life and put it back inside me. I would literally give anything to have my baby back now, even if it meant losing my family. Things have since gotten challenging with my parents for unrelated reasons, and I've learned I really can manage without them. If they can't accept that I've grown up and have different values then they do, then it's not worth bending over backwards to maintain a relationship with them. I still haven't told them about the miscarriage, though. I just don't have the guts for it yet. I know they'll be livid that I hid this from them.

About a month after the miscarriage, I started to accept it but never stopped feeling regret for wishing I would miscarry. I'll probably carry that regret to my grave. But, a few days ago, I started mourning the miscarriage again. It had occurred to me out of the blue that by this time I would be 6 months along and I'd know the gender by now if the baby had lived. In a moment of weakness, I looked at the pictures I had taken of it and have since felt like I'm going through the loss all over again. It could be because I'm over-exhausted from long hours at work due to under-staffing the last couple of weeks. It could be that I'm hormonal because I'm in the middle of my period. I'm not sure, but I'm an emotional wreck and my job performance is suffering because of it.

I've asked my boss to cut me back to just full time, not 10-20 hours overtime like I've been doing lately, for a little bit and she's not sure she can manage it with us still being short-handed but she's going to try. I just feel like the more I work, the less I keep up with housework, and the more I get depressed...and therefore the worse I do at work. So now, I'm a wreck, my house is a wreck, and if it weren't for such an understanding boss, I'd be having issues at my job. Although she hasn't had a miscarriage, she understands the pain of having an unfulfilled dream to become a parent, and now that she's in her 50s she knows she never will have kids, so she can relate to me in a way and has been very lenient.

I'm hoping this is just a phase and that it gets easier to deal with eventually, but right now I feel like the only way to close up the gaping hole in my heart is to actually have a child; except at this point I don't feel like I'll be ready to trust a man again for a very long time, and I'm not really thrilled about the idea of using a sperm donor to have a child just to ease up the pain.

Women who have lost a child before: does it actually get easier over time? I don't expect the pain to ever fully go away, but at some point does it stop consuming every thought? I hope?

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Old 05-28-2014, 01:10 AM   #2
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Re: Struggling with loss

Hugs!! I also had an early miscarriage last year. I do want to say that I thought I was doing okay with it but then around the time I would have been 6-7 months I got really emotional again! My faith helped me the most to get through it. I am still sad and fear that June will be bad for me as I know 4 people near me who are due then and July might be worse as that is when I was due. I keep praying that it wont be as bad as I fear. Talking with women at my church helped a lot....most of them had miscarriages as well so they could sympathise and pray with me and for me. Time definitely helps and honestly, not wallowing in my self pity....my view of myself not of others. The timing must not have been right, but I know I will meet my baby in heaven someday! I will say a prayer for you!

Oh, and sorry about Matt...what a jerk for lying to you about his wife!!
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Old 05-28-2014, 01:24 AM   #3
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Hugs. You must have been further along than you thought. 3-weeks is just 1-week past ovulation. None of those features you describe are present at 1-week past ovulation. Most women wouldn't have even gotten a + pregnancy test at 7-dpo. You might grab a book on stages of pregnancy and see where your baby lines up with the features described by week.

I lost a 5-week pregnancy. I had a lot of membraney stuff when I would wipe (TMI, I know!). I saved the + test. That's all I have.

Hugs. It's hard the first while. But it does get easier.
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Old 05-30-2014, 10:34 PM   #4
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Re: Struggling with loss

Hugs! I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles, and wish you peace.
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Old 05-31-2014, 06:20 AM   #5
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Re: Struggling with loss

OP, I think maybe you need to go talk to a therapist.
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Old 05-31-2014, 06:29 AM   #6
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Re: Struggling with loss

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommypockets View Post
Hugs. You must have been further along than you thought. 3-weeks is just 1-week past ovulation. None of those features you describe are present at 1-week past ovulation. Most women wouldn't have even gotten a + pregnancy test at 7-dpo. You might grab a book on stages of pregnancy and see where your baby lines up with the features described by week.

I lost a 5-week pregnancy. I had a lot of membraney stuff when I would wipe (TMI, I know!). I saved the + test. That's all I have.

Hugs. It's hard the first while. But it does get easier.
Yeah this. Did you take a pregnancy test? For there to be a distinguishable sac with an embryo in it that you could make out even a home test would have been screaming positive. My u/s of my first only revealed an empty sac at 5wks and that is normal. The presence of an embryo far enough along to make out features you describe would be at least 8wks.
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N 10/06 7lb 9oz 23in, L 5/09 6lb 12oz 20in , and
R 1/11 8lbs 7oz 21.5in, 2/14, 4/14, 5/14, & a lost twin at 9wks 8/14.
S 3/15 7lbs 15oz 20.5in
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Old 05-31-2014, 06:52 AM   #7
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Re: Struggling with loss

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Originally Posted by Pikemommy View Post
OP, I think maybe you need to go talk to a therapist.
Therapy could be a wonderful way to talk through all these emotions since you don't feel comfortable sharing them with your family and friends. As you sadly know, a miscarriage can be a difficult loss so you need lots of support. Still praying for your peace and healing.
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Old 06-19-2014, 12:42 PM   #8
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Re: Struggling with loss

Hugs, hugs and more hugs. If it were me, I would still try for a baby, but not now. When the timing is right and you have a man by your side, to go through all the good times, and the trying times of raising a child. All of your feelings before and after pregnancy are totally normal. They were only feelings, no physical harm. You did not cause the miscarriage. I'm positive, I had a miscarriage with my 5th. We were trying, I felt pregnant, I did not take a pregnancy test, I was a couple weeks late and am never late. I was going to wait to make a prenatal with the doctor. Then I started to cramp and bleed and let nature take its course. The midwifes don't consider it a lost I pregnancy, because I did not take a test. (They ask loses, terminated, and live births during prenatal visits) I did have a 5th baby. But I know what it feels like to be a mommy if a life, no one knows about (besides my hubby). I still think of the baby. I suggest you take your baby to a precious spot, and bury him/her. You may have closure with a burial. Once again, hugs. And try for a baby.....but when the timing is better.


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