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Old 04-20-2014, 11:28 PM   #1
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WWYD RE Baby Shower

I am just torn about what to do. My sister is pregnant with her first biological child. They have a ten year old adopted son. I had a miscarriage in July of last year, same time she got pregnant and another one in March of this year. I just really don't want to go to her shower but my mom is giving me grief and acting like I am a horrible person for even suggesting not going and my sister doesn't get it either. She had some failed IVF procedures and, according to her, losing them wasn't a big deal; so, I should just get over it. I am still grieving my own losses and I don't think I will handle it well. She had a shower already in India with her husband's family who is still flying in from India for shower #2. It is going to be a huge deal at the "City Club" with catered food and over the top gift giving. My husband and I are in a WAY different income bracket. I couldn't even bring a suitable gift. I don't know if I should suck it up and just go to make everyone else happy or honor my own feelings and not attend. WWYD?

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Old 04-21-2014, 12:15 AM   #2
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Re: WWYD RE Baby Shower

Ugh, that is a tough call! First, I'm so so sorry for your losses and can't even begin to imagine your feelings. And I'm so sorry your family isn't honoring your feelings.

I think my choice would depend a lot on the sort of relationship I had with my sister. I'd also be tempted to say I was going and fake an illness or have other plans at the last minute, hoping they wouldn't notice I wasn't there until after it was over? Could you call the next day, and/or send over a gift as if you were totally planning to go?

((hugs)) I don't think there's a perfect answer here. But I think you're completely reasonable and justified to sit this one out.
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Old 04-21-2014, 01:27 AM   #3
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Re: WWYD RE Baby Shower

Oooh. I totally understand the miscarriage part and how it is hard, but it isnt really fair to punish her by not going. Are you not happy for her that she is pregnant? I wouldn't worry about what gift you give...it should be the thought that counts not the money! It isn't really nice that they aren't being supportive of you, but I would still go if I were you. My conscience would eat away at me more if I decided not to go just because my sister/friend was pregnant and I wasn't. I know at least 7 people who are due within the month I was due and I would go to all the showers if I was invited to them all. It hurts that they are pregnant but not in a way I would hold on to that pain and hold it against them. I am truly happy for them. If you relationship with your sister is rocky, I could see how that might change things. In all fairness, it seems as if you do talk with her etc, so you should go to celebrate with her.

I really hope you get your rainbow baby soon!
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Old 04-21-2014, 05:21 AM   #4
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Re: WWYD RE Baby Shower

oh hugs mama.... it must be hard for you. but I do agree with the things said on not worrying on gift amount. I personally liked the handmade things compared to the bought stuff.

For me there would be a lot of factors and agree on things said about how close you guys are and you have to do what is right for you in the long run. You could still send your gift and say I just couldn't do it or make it to the shower. I know for my one shower 9 years ago that there were gals that had previous engagements yet sent gift with someone still.
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Old 04-21-2014, 10:18 AM   #5
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Re: WWYD RE Baby Shower

Our relationship is ok. She would say it is good. It is surface. We aren't super close but no ill feelings. We are just very different. She is the doctor's wife, botox and country club type while I am the barefoot, feeding the chickens, homeschool type. I will probably end up going but I am not planning on staying forever. I will give myself permission to leave early if I feel the waterworks coming on.
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Old 04-21-2014, 10:45 AM   #6
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Re: WWYD RE Baby Shower

Go if you feel you can handle it, don't if you can't. Its that simple. I had to skip several different SILs baby showers through the years. I've lost 6 now and if one of them was close to due at the same time I just couldn't do it. Explain that you love them but you just can't. A few I did go, stayed for a short time, had some food and left because I had "something else" to be at. As long as you make an appearance they probably won't even notice your missing if you go early.
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Old 04-21-2014, 10:50 AM   #7
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Re: WWYD RE Baby Shower

I would go. I think you should be supportive of her pregnancy even through your struggles. That said she too should be understanding of your feelings. I think worrying about her standard of living is a moot point, a gift is just that and anything you give should be appriciated and well recieved, it seems a bit spiteful to say you dont want to give because she has it good enough. We have what we have, and I would go, support her and offer a nice gift of my standard. What others do is up to them.
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Old 04-21-2014, 11:05 AM   #8
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Re: WWYD RE Baby Shower

Been there, done that. Sometimes, we imagine our reaction will be much more intense than it turns out to be. I don't think that by not going you are punishing your sister, you are honoring your feelings. The reality is that in that mass of people, you will hardly be noticed. So many people will be vying for her attention.

I wouldn't lie about it, just not worth it. She will know it and it will be a niggling thing in the back of your mind as well. Your plan to show up and leave early is a good one. Make a plan to do something when you leave, so you can tell the truth and you will have something else to think about.

I know when I saw my nephew for the first time, I had very mixed feelings. I was happy for my sister, loved that beautiful baby boy, but I was conflicted. Feel whatever emotions you are feeling, process them through. Hugs...
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Old 04-21-2014, 11:17 AM   #9
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Re: WWYD RE Baby Shower

I agree that you should go. It could harm your relationship with sis if you missed it. I had a second trimester miscarriage and then a few months later had two baby showers to go to. It was HARD on me but i really wanted to be there for the people I love! I was meeting with a counselor after my miscarriage and she talked about "steps of healing". Being around babies, being around pregnant women, my due date passing, baby showers, all the things that hurt us. But talked about walking through them in order to heal. (I know that we are never healed fully ) I am glad that i did it. It is just something that you have to face head on and be strong with.

And bring a beautiful handmade (inexpensive) gift and leave early if you feel very uncomfortable. Making an appearance is important for your sister and important for you also.

Much understanding and big Hugs!
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Old 04-21-2014, 11:28 PM   #10
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Re: WWYD RE Baby Shower

I wasn't being ugly about the gift thing. Sorry, if it sounded that way. I offered several things, including our handmade wooden cradle, but was told they only want "new" baby items. I planned on buying diapers because everything on her registry is mostly already purchased. I talked to her today and told her my plan was to go but leave early. I used my other children as my reason. I am the only person planning on bringing other children to the shower. She wants me to bring her nieces but I know it wont be fun with a 7 and 9 year old tagging along. Thanks for the advice everyone. It is nice to know others have gone through this feeling.
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