Reply Hey Mom! Learn more about the Gerber Life Insurance Grow-Up Plan!
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-09-2014, 05:27 PM   #1
phobiafied's Avatar
phobiafied
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North Idaho
Posts: 189
My Mood:
Bad Timing...

My first pregnancy, in 2011, ended with stillbirth at 39 weeks. Nothing during the pregnancy had been anything but routine... we found out our baby girl had died during a NST appointment. I was promptly induced and delivered on October 28th. About four months later my husband and I decided to try again. We were very hopeful and had lots of support from our doctors and encouragement from our family. I was 21, perfectly healthy, there was no reason to think that another pregnancy might not end well. Unfortunately, at 9 weeks pregnant I had a miscarriage in the ER... the day after Mother's Day, actually.

So close on the heels of our first devastating loss, this was very hard to deal with for DH and I. So we put having kids on the back burner for a while and focused on recovering. There was too much grieving to do and not enough hope that things would go right if we tried again.

So, fast forward a couple of years... By early 2013 DH was ready to give it another shot. He asked me if I was, but I wasn't and he understood that. Every few months he would bring it up again, but it took another year before I was ready. I promised him that we would start trying again in 2014, but not until I had quit my job (it was far too physical) and we had proven that we could live on just his income. So, all things considered, we started trying again in February this year.

I realized that, if we got pregnant right away, this might wind up being bad timing, because it would put this pregnancy in the same time frame as my first. Still, I shrugged it off because I figured it wouldn't happen right away. I was WRONG. We got pregnant as soon as we started trying.

So here I am at 13 weeks, and my emotions are all over the place (my hormones aren't helping). I am super excited and hopeful, but I also feel nervous and guilty. My due date this time is November 9th... just five days after my due date with my first baby. Add to that the fact that I will likely be induced early, and this baby's birth is likely to be VERY close to October 28th. It feels like a betrayal of my first daughter's memory... that part of the year feels like it belongs to her... It just seems like the rest of my life I'll be mourning one baby at the same time I should be celebrating my other.

Sheesh, I don't know if this really makes sense to anyone else, and I apologize for the length, but I really needed to type this out. I can't help but feel like I made a huge mistake in just not putting off this pregnancy for another month.

If anybody else has been through this before, it would mean a lot to me to get your opinion. I'm probably way over thinking it, and pregnancy hormones certainly aren't helping. No matter what I am being as positive as possible about this pregnancy and I will be grateful beyond words to have a healthy baby, no matter what day they are born on.

Advertisement

phobiafied is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-09-2014, 05:43 PM   #2
qsefthuko's Avatar
qsefthuko
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 18,637
Re: Bad Timing...

I am so very sorry for your losses. I cannot begin to imagine the roller coaster of emotions you are currently feeling.
qsefthuko is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-09-2014, 06:13 PM   #3
MommaMarty's Avatar
MommaMarty
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 402
My Mood:
Re: Bad Timing...

Hi there, first off hugs and im so sorry for what you have been through. Being pregnant after loss is much harder than i ever would have imagined. (I has a loss at 19 weeks, 2 years ago) I was a mess the first trimester this time around. And i still have bad days once in awhile. I felt like the Fear was overwhelming. It really helped me to talk to women who had been through it. A good friend said "pregnancy will just always be different for you now, you know the pain of a bad outcome." That helped to know that i didn't have to be guilty that this wasn't always joyful and was sometimes completely terrifying. Every ultrasound i'm holding my breath waiting to see that all is ok.
The timing isn't quite that close for me. (my lost baby would be 2yrs old in July and i'm due in August) This could sound completely nuts but..I feel like my other child is spirituality helping me with this pregnancy. Like they are somehow cheering us on, like "mom you can do this." maybe it is a mechanism for coping with the fear but i don't feel alone in this. You are not alone either You will never betray your sweet daughter because she will always be with you in your soul. Happy Mom's Day! Hugs!
MommaMarty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-09-2014, 06:33 PM   #4
carisparis's Avatar
carisparis
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 104
Re: Bad Timing...

You are allowed to feel how ever you feel. Pregnancy is terrifying regardless, and with your experience I would be a wreck. You're right, the timing probably makes it even more scary. I implore you to recognize your feeling of guilt then watch it drift away. Over and over if you have to. You're a rock star for sharing your story. Thank you.
carisparis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-09-2014, 06:37 PM   #5
saraley's Avatar
saraley
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 4,032
My Mood:
Re: Bad Timing...

hugs mama, I couldn't even begin to imagine how difficult everything you have been through has been. I can totally understand your feeling of fear, anxiety, and guilt.. I don't have any advice but wanted to offer some encouragement and support.
__________________
Sarah- Married to my "Nebraska Farmer" 1/09;
SAHM to Barrett 7/12 (and Lovin' every minute of it)
saraley is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-09-2014, 08:11 PM   #6
s2grace's Avatar
s2grace
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Midwest US
Posts: 1,528
I think that we mamas who have had a baby die do like to protect their days and memory. It's one of the only ways we can mother them you know? I understand your feelings. I would make sure you talk it over w your drs so they know where you are coming from. Maybe you can deliver before that day? Just keep talking to them and see if you can work out something that gives you some peace.

No matter what your first baby will always be celebrated. I actually find miss my ella more on other days than her birth. Christmas, Mother's Day, even infant loss and remembrance day.
__________________
Shannon- married to DH for seven years, mom to DD 6/10/08, DS 8/29/10 and Gabriella Marie (Ella), born on 7/5/12 with Trisomy 13 and in heaven with Jesus. And our rainbow- DS2 12/24/13
s2grace is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-09-2014, 10:34 PM   #7
phobiafied's Avatar
phobiafied
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North Idaho
Posts: 189
My Mood:
Re: Bad Timing...

Thank you to everyone for your replies, it really means so much to me to just know that my feelings are understandable. I'm never going to stop grieving for my daughter, she will always have a very special place in my heart and I'll miss her every day of the year.

I'm also beginning to realize that a big part of the picture is the fact that I've never successfully made it through a pregnancy yet. Losing my baby was such a huge blow to my heart, but without a doubt it has taught me tremendous things about life and made me a better parent in the long run... It just doesn't come full circle until I do have a child to raise, teach, and cherish.

So I just have to be brave enough to go for it again and have enough faith that things will be okay. It's scary, but all I can really do is try to stay positive. I really do wish the dates weren't so close, but there's not much I can do about it now. All my stress and worry does nothing but make me feel sick and depressed, when I should be picking out names again, buying new diapers, and letting myself enjoy being pregnant the way I didn't realize I should have the first time.

If things go smoothly with this pregnancy, it should be no issue to ask my doctors to deliver me earlier or later than October 28... I guess I've just been feeling strung out and too paranoid to assume things could go smoothly.
phobiafied is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-09-2014, 11:07 PM   #8
Mamaleah's Avatar
Mamaleah
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Oregon
Posts: 2,206
My Mood:
Re: Bad Timing...

I'm so sorry for what you have gone through! Try to relish in the pregnancy and be happy about it. Don't put the burden on yourself to feel guilty about the timing. Obviously, there was/is a very good reason that you got pregnant right away and when you did (at least the way I see it). I think this pregnancy is a way to help you through your pain from your other pregnancies/birth. I have a friend who had a mc with her first pregnancy. She was able to get pregnant a couple months later and did give birth to that baby. Her next pregnancy happened a little sooner than she thought it would and had a due date within the same time frame of her very first pregnancy. She ended up giving birth 1.5 wks early on her firsts due date. She saw it as a positive thing and a gift from her first baby. I know she still does grieve her first in some way. I think a lot of healing will happen once you have a healthy baby in your arms. Please, try not to stress and worry if you can. That is much more harmful to your body and baby! I will say a prayer for you and your family! I think talking about it is very good!!
__________________
SAHM to Keila 9/08 and Brycen 10/10. Annie 3/15 our
Mamaleah is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-20-2014, 07:44 AM   #9
bhunt479's Avatar
bhunt479
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Mississauga, Ontario
Posts: 216
Re: Bad Timing...

I have a similar story to yours. I had a stillbirth in Feb 2013 at 38 weeks and became pregnant 4 months later with my 2nd. The due dates were about a month apart, and at every stage of pregnancy I thought of what I went through with my 1st and it was terrifying. However, I do believe as another poster said that the 1st is looking out for the 2nd and that it is a different pregnancy altogether. It is hard to enjoy it with loss clouding your thoughts, but the end result of this journey is absolutely wonderful and I can honestly say all my worry and doubt leading to the birth washes away when you have that baby to hold in your arms. I'm sure this pregnancy for you will end in joy. Feel free to pm me if you need any support.
bhunt479 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Copyright 2005 - 2014 Escalate Media. All Rights Reserved.