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Old 01-19-2009, 12:18 PM   #1
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Ehh what gives??

Ok so I need someone just to hear me out. Comment or give ideas if you;ve got any, otherwise I'll give my address out and you all can come slap my DH personally.

Here's the condensed story.

My Step son is almost 9, he's lived with his mom (and went to school there with her) until this school year. She had a scare with her living conditions, was living with the ex-boyfriends(who she has 3 kids with) step dad..he was telling her she had 30 days to find somewhere else to live. She had no job at the time so things were looking uncertain on her end. Step sons grandma (moms-mom) called DH one day and told him "I think you need to take Wes this year since she has no where to go." (mom and grandma aren't friends)
So DSS has been with us since the summer. Well we moved from Ca to Az over the summer, so he sees his mom when we can get him out there.
Originally when DH was trying to smooth things over with DSS's mom, he told her he'd "fly him out twice a month to see her." She agreed.

Well fast forward to now. He sees his mom maybe once a month. Sometimes once every 2.5 months.
Now Dh is saying "she can get him a plane ticket if she wants to see him, otherwise she's going to have to wait til we can get him out there."
There are more than a bag of chips on my DH's shoulder in regards to his kids mom, so he has no problem being childish when it comes to making her happy.
But the problem is, he's hurting DSS more than he is his mom, he misses her dearly.

I've been his little in family advocate for seeing his mom becuase I know every kid HAS to see their mom and in the long run, I plan on being here and I feel like I need to contribute what I can to raise him. DSS's mom has problems, she's in her late 30's and has 5 kids, her most recent are from a guy she was with who was only 17 when their first was born (she was in her 30's)..she's been jobless for as long as I've known her (7 years) and now has a new boyfriend who she's just moved in with. She doesn't have her oldest who is 14 (girl)...grandma felt it was inappropriate to have the teenage boyfriend living in the same house as the teenage daughter, I can agree.

So now we are here to DSS. He's a very nervous/anxious kid, never knows what he wants, he'll wait for his mom or dad to make a decision for him, struggles in school with a special ed tutor and after school tutoring and I connect this directly with his family situation with his parents. DH blames everything on his mom "he's like this (has problems) because he's taking after his mom." DH and my MIL have this new brilliant theory that the less DSS is exposed to his mom, the better he will do here. I see it as being the opposite.
DH thinks he's doing good for him, but I know he is only building up resentment in his sons heart towards himself. I know there will be a day with DSS blows up and tells Dh to take a hike...but until then, I feel like I am responsible to a degree becuase I am like DSS's 3rd parent, which is why I'll bug DH until the point of fighting with him about getting DSS at least a day with his mom.

His birthday is coming up, and we originally planned to take a weekend back to CA to let DSS have a day with his mom for a party with her, and have a day with us for a party with him and our DS since their birthdays are 6 days apart. DH has recently made his own plans of us only going out there to have the 1 party and we'll "invite" DSS's mom to it. I think it's petty and unfair but it would be just one more fight that I'd have to pick with him about being unfair to DSS.
What would you do? I've discussed this with DH over and over, told him he's sabotaging his relationship wit his son more than he knows, but he ignores me.
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Old 01-19-2009, 02:59 PM   #2
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Re: Ehh what gives??

I don't know. I really wish I had some sort of a magic answer for you, but I don't. I would encourage you to pray about it and see if you can find someone trusted to talk to. I mean, a pastor or counselor, someone who can be more objective and has experience in dealing with this sort of thing. I agree with you that Wes needs to be able to see his mom, but I can also see where your husband is coming from and from what I gather, he just wants to do what is right for his son, though I do think he is not seeing the whole picture. Certainly understandable. But as to what to do or how to get your husband to understand, that I don't know.
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Old 01-19-2009, 03:19 PM   #3
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Re: Ehh what gives??

To you for being such a great step-mom and to your DSS for having to go through all this garbage!!

The best advice I can give is to let your DSS see his mom as often as possible. I completely disagree with your husband about keeping him away from his mom because hubby thinks she's a bad influence. She may be, but, the boy needs his mom! Even if it's only once every 2 months, he needs to know she is still there. And then if he decides one day to stop seeing her, that will be "his" decision to make!

See, I have 3 kids from my previous marriage. My ex is a complete jerk who is so wrapped up in himself he often forgets he has kids at all! It drives me crazy! He consistently makes excuses as to why he has to once again skip visitation. He never takes them other than his scheduled weekends...if then. He never calls them unless it's to cancel a visit. Here's the kicker...he lives right here! It's a whole 10 minute drive between our houses! Now, in the past 10 years I've let my kids see him as often as they wanted...well, as often as he would pick them up. I hate seeing them go because I know he's a bad influence on them. He has NO rules in his home. His new wife is extremely rude to my kids. He never does anything extra for them. But, I figured they'd make up their own minds about him in their own time. Guess what? They have! My oldest (now 20) decided at the age of 17 to stop seeing his dad. He learned how selfish his dad really was all on his own. My daughter (now 17) stopped seeing her dad 2 years ago because of the same reason. My second son (now 14) still sees his dad, but is learning. He has the advantage because he is the youngest and now gets all the "extra" time from his dad...what there is. I've said all this to say this...it's up to the kids to decide when (if) to stop seeing their parent. Just because the custodial parent can't stand the noncustodial parent doesn't make it right to refuse visitation. I can't stand my ex, nor a LOT of what he does or stands for, but I know my kids still needed to have their father in their lives. Now, if he were exposing them to drugs or was abusing them or seriously neglecting them, then that would be a different situation altogether! But, that would have to be proven in a court of law.

Bottom line is, your DSS should have the right to visit his mom. Your husband needs to keep his word and send him on a regular basis, regardless of his own feelings toward his ex. It's also a situation that your MIL needs to stay out of! You may also want to consider getting DSS into counseling. Good luck!
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Old 01-19-2009, 06:43 PM   #4
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Re: Ehh what gives??

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The best advice I can give is to let your DSS see his mom as often as possible. I completely disagree with your husband about keeping him away from his mom because hubby thinks she's a bad influence. She may be, but, the boy needs his mom! Even if it's only once every 2 months, he needs to know she is still there. And then if he decides one day to stop seeing her, that will be "his" decision to make!

See, I have 3 kids from my previous marriage. My ex is a complete jerk who is so wrapped up in himself he often forgets he has kids at all! It drives me crazy! He consistently makes excuses as to why he has to once again skip visitation. He never takes them other than his scheduled weekends...if then. He never calls them unless it's to cancel a visit. Here's the kicker...he lives right here! It's a whole 10 minute drive between our houses! Now, in the past 10 years I've let my kids see him as often as they wanted...well, as often as he would pick them up. I hate seeing them go because I know he's a bad influence on them. He has NO rules in his home. His new wife is extremely rude to my kids. He never does anything extra for them. But, I figured they'd make up their own minds about him in their own time. Guess what? They have! My oldest (now 20) decided at the age of 17 to stop seeing his dad. He learned how selfish his dad really was all on his own. My daughter (now 17) stopped seeing her dad 2 years ago because of the same reason. My second son (now 14) still sees his dad, but is learning. He has the advantage because he is the youngest and now gets all the "extra" time from his dad...what there is. I've said all this to say this...it's up to the kids to decide when (if) to stop seeing their parent. Just because the custodial parent can't stand the noncustodial parent doesn't make it right to refuse visitation. I can't stand my ex, nor a LOT of what he does or stands for, but I know my kids still needed to have their father in their lives. Now, if he were exposing them to drugs or was abusing them or seriously neglecting them, then that would be a different situation altogether! But, that would have to be proven in a court of law.

Bottom line is, your DSS should have the right to visit his mom. Your husband needs to keep his word and send him on a regular basis, regardless of his own feelings toward his ex. It's also a situation that your MIL needs to stay out of! You may also want to consider getting DSS into counseling. Good luck!
Thank you! This is what I tell Dh on a weekly bases. I tell him to let Wes decide when his mom is undesirable to him. DH is scared that the day will never come, and he'll end up just like her. I just know from experience if a kid already resents you in the slightest, they will rebel against you and everything you want for them just to do it, and I'm scared this will happen.
Right now DSS sees nothing wrong with mom and the way she lives her life, he just tells us how he feels sorry for her because she's always poor. I say nothing about it, I keep a real neutral stance on the subject but DH on the other hand will bad mouth her left and right right in front of DSS.
I've told DH over and over, keep things to yourself, if you want after the kids go to be or when he's not around, we can bad mouth her to your hearts content...but don't do it in front of him. She means the world to him right now, and dissing her in front of him only makes him sad and eventually he'll I'm sure hate his dad for talking ill of his mom. I don't know, I know one day I'll be able to tell DH "I told you so" either way.
It still sucks, feeling like I know what to do, but can't do it. It's up to him.
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Old 01-19-2009, 09:58 PM   #5
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Re: Ehh what gives??

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Originally Posted by Mother Lover View Post
Thank you! This is what I tell Dh on a weekly bases. I tell him to let Wes decide when his mom is undesirable to him. DH is scared that the day will never come, and he'll end up just like her. I just know from experience if a kid already resents you in the slightest, they will rebel against you and everything you want for them just to do it, and I'm scared this will happen.
Right now DSS sees nothing wrong with mom and the way she lives her life, he just tells us how he feels sorry for her because she's always poor. I say nothing about it, I keep a real neutral stance on the subject but DH on the other hand will bad mouth her left and right right in front of DSS.
I've told DH over and over, keep things to yourself, if you want after the kids go to be or when he's not around, we can bad mouth her to your hearts content...but don't do it in front of him. She means the world to him right now, and dissing her in front of him only makes him sad and eventually he'll I'm sure hate his dad for talking ill of his mom. I don't know, I know one day I'll be able to tell DH "I told you so" either way.
It still sucks, feeling like I know what to do, but can't do it. It's up to him.
You are soooooo right about all of this-especially the bolded part. It is so frustrating. Maybe if your DH can think of it like this: Wes now has a stable family with you and his father. You are showing him the better way to live life. Giving him time with his mother will not undo the good things his father has taught him. It will help DSS to feel loved and secure. Keeping him from his mom will make him wonder what is wrong with HIM? What is so bad about me that my own mother doesn't want to see me? What is so bad about my mother, the woman I am part of, that I shouldn't hang out with her? Is that bad part in me?
Then there's the way that human nature makes us tend to idolize those we love that are separated from us. DSS won't ever see her flaws and be able to learn from them if he must resort to memories that put her on a pedastal.
Also, ask your DH what he would do if someone talked smack about his own mother? I'm sure he wouldn't put up with it. Boys are very protective of their mamas.

And if that doesn't work.... I'll practice my pimpslap.
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Old 01-20-2009, 06:43 AM   #6
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Re: Ehh what gives??

Yikes! Well, I certainly know from my own experience that no matter how bad of an influenece the parent is that it is NEVER right to bad mouth that parent in front of the kid!!!!!!!! It will make the poor kid feel awful.

My parents divorced when I was 4 so I know alllllllllllllllll about being a stepkid, parents acting like children, etc. Your DH needs to grow up and be there for his son not put him down and make his feel worthless. Which is what he is doing with his behaviors. I can see that you really do care (YAY!!!) so def keep up the advocating for your SS!
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Old 01-20-2009, 12:14 PM   #7
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Re: Ehh what gives??



I just want to say that you are an amazing stepmom! You are so right here. My mother has been married 4 times and my father was the first. She bad mouthed him constantly and I am still irritated by it.
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Old 01-20-2009, 01:15 PM   #8
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Re: Ehh what gives??

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You are soooooo right about all of this-especially the bolded part. It is so frustrating. Maybe if your DH can think of it like this: Wes now has a stable family with you and his father. You are showing him the better way to live life. Giving him time with his mother will not undo the good things his father has taught him. It will help DSS to feel loved and secure. Keeping him from his mom will make him wonder what is wrong with HIM? What is so bad about me that my own mother doesn't want to see me? What is so bad about my mother, the woman I am part of, that I shouldn't hang out with her? Is that bad part in me?
Then there's the way that human nature makes us tend to idolize those we love that are separated from us. DSS won't ever see her flaws and be able to learn from them if he must resort to memories that put her on a pedastal.
Also, ask your DH what he would do if someone talked smack about his own mother? I'm sure he wouldn't put up with it. Boys are very protective of their mamas.
You've brought up many points that I've never thought of!

I've asked him this. Dh is a very matter fact man, his response was "well if my mom cared more about her boyfrineds than my sisters and I then I think she would deserve it and I would probably agree with the person who was talking about her." Ok yeah, maybe as a teenager, but not a 9 year old kid, you want to think best for your parents no matter how badly they hurt you.
It really bugs me and hurts me when he tells DSS that his mom is "lazy" and wants ppl to take care of her, which in a outward glance, it does look like this. But I believe, from what I gather from her, she has some sort of psychological problem and I'd like to believe she cannot help it. Maybe I'm just in denial or want to think the best for DSS.


Quote:
My parents divorced when I was 4 so I know alllllllllllllllll about being a stepkid, parents acting like children, etc. Your DH needs to grow up and be there for his son not put him down and make his feel worthless. Which is what he is doing with his behaviors. I can see that you really do care (YAY!!!) so def keep up the advocating for your SS!
Dh's parent divorced when he was 8 so he knows just as well what it was like since his dad was married 3 more times after his mom. I deep down wish DSS's mom would pull her stuff together so that DSS could choose who he'd like to call his primary residence, then I'd just have to deal with DH's bitterness towards DSS for wanting to live with his mom. There are plenty of reasons why my DH is like this, none of them give him a right to be this way towards DSS if he dealt with them in a adult manner. I've left him twice in the past for this sole reason, but I've realized taking myself out of the equation isn't helping DSS. I'm probably one of the main reasons why he is ok being here, not to toot my own horn. Him and his dad are constantly hitting head on with one another and I'm the neutral ground.
Thanks guys for the support.
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Old 01-20-2009, 02:34 PM   #9
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Re: Ehh what gives??

I agree, you're doing a great job!

HOWEVER, I don't think you need to give the bio mom more credit than she deserves. I know, that sounds TERRIBLE. but what I mean is that in order to be truly neutral, you need to be honest. to your dss. talking bad about her is obviously stupid and unacceptable in front of DSS, (sorry there, dh) but don't lie either. In "protecting" her and trying to make things sound better than they are, we (myself included) run the risk of sending our stepkids mixed signals. (and I love mine to death! I just dare somebody to try anything against them!!!!!!!!) I'm right with you on the neutral thing, tho. Keep it up. Be the one Wes can go to when his mom and dad aren't making sense. He needs somebody in his court.

As far as the visitation and b-day parties, ugh. I'd say it shouldn't be all your dh's responsibility to get him to his mom, yet since he's already volunteered, he should stick to what he said. If he wants to change things, he needs to talk about it with his ex and Wes and come to a new agreement. Not just suddenly change his mind. That's not being fair to Wes. Regardless of the mother. DH should stick to his word.

that's just my :twocents: Good Luck!
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