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Old 05-18-2017, 08:11 PM   #21
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One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

I guess I'd just like to be able to give her a concrete reason why she wasn't asked. Do they have another role in mind for her? Do they think we'll have our hands full with DS and it might be a bit much to have both of our kids in the wedding? Was it just an "oops?" (Keep in mind that the bride is only 20 and is just now starting to experience real-world stuff.) Is there even a reason? If I can give DD a solid answer, that would satisfy her and everyone would be happy. I hate the speculation and wondering, and telling her "that's just the way it is" may not be enough. If no one else brings it up at our get-together, I was just going to casually ask who else was going to be in the wedding. And leave it at that. Nothing else. Someone else would have to bring up DD. If they don't, then I'll move on.

Are we entitled to answers? No. But they would be nice.

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Old 05-18-2017, 08:34 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by coquelicot
Um, I've never bad-mouthed her, either on here or IRL. I would never do that. My husband told my MIL that DS was asked to be a ring-bearer. Her next words were, "What about (DD)?" DH said that she hadn't been asked, and my MIL said that she'd talk to my SIL. I didn't say a word in that conversation. I had just walked into the next room from outside, in fact, and heard that exchange. I have only expressed concerns to my DH and on here and that was it. That's the last I've heard about it, and that was weeks ago. Then again, DH has been out of town a lot and hasn't been in constant contact with family. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
To provide the alternate perspective, my impression is this...
You overheard/walked in on a conversation about the issue that fit your agenda (others wanting to know why not DD too). Whereas, you could have popped in and said, "wasn't it thoughtful of her to include him." You let it perpetuate and be an issue amongst MIL and SIL (presumably MOTB).

We all take different approaches. I rely on the principle that if I have to ask others if it is 'X' (overstepping, rude, too fluffy, weird, odd, chose any circumstance), then, with about 98% certainly it is X.
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Old 05-18-2017, 08:40 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by coquelicot
I guess I'd just like to be able to give her a concrete reason why she wasn't asked. Do they have another role in mind for her? Do they think we'll have our hands full with DS and it might be a bit much to have both of our kids in the wedding? Was it just an "oops?" (Keep in mind that the bride is only 20 and is just now starting to experience real-world stuff.) Is there even a reason? If I can give DD a solid answer, that would satisfy her and everyone would be happy. I hate the speculation and wondering, and telling her "that's just the way it is" may not be enough. If no one else brings it up at our get-together, I was just going to casually ask who else was going to be in the wedding. And leave it at that. Nothing else. Someone else would have to bring up DD. If they don't, then I'll move on. Are we entitled to answers? No. But they would be nice.
[Sorry, couldn't multi-quote via iPad.]

Short answer is: yes, it was intentional, as the opportunity to ask was when the conversation was had regarding DS participating.

Anything after the fact would be because it would have been forced, when MIL/SIL informed the bride she was slighting you/your daughter.

When I look at offending the bride, I'd rather keep my lips sealed, and let her be happy during this time without stirring the pot or letting others stir the pot regarding my personal desires of including both children.

I do hope you all enjoy her big day!
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Old 05-18-2017, 09:03 PM   #24
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

Nope, I disagree. Brides don't get to do whatever they want just because it's their wedding. Life will go on after the wedding and the wedding will not be immediately forgotten. Yes, weddings are special, but they're also common. Plenty of people have pulled them off without hurting too many feelings. This bride's little cousin is not going to forget. Brides can get a little carried away and selfish, especially young brides, and if MIL remembers to talk to the bride about your DD, excellent. Even if DD gets a part in the wedding because her grandma made it happen, that's OK. DD doesn't have to know that part. But if the girls are close and want to remain close, DD deserves to have a good reason for not being asked to help. I think it's rude to ask one child and not another. For my wedding, we specifically had no children at all so that we wouldn't have to choose between nieces and nephews.

That said, I would leave it to your MIL or DH to ask the bride about it. These things tend to go better with immediate family. And then, if the answer is no, hopefully you can come up with a satisfactory explanation for DD.
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Old 05-18-2017, 09:12 PM   #25
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One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

Quote:
Originally Posted by HugeBabyBoy View Post
[Sorry, couldn't multi-quote via iPad.]

Short answer is: yes, it was intentional, as the opportunity to ask was when the conversation was had regarding DS participating.

Anything after the fact would be because it would have been forced, when MIL/SIL informed the bride she was slighting you/your daughter.

When I look at offending the bride, I'd rather keep my lips sealed, and let her be happy during this time without stirring the pot or letting others stir the pot regarding my personal desires of including both children.

I do hope you all enjoy her big day!

I wasn't a part of the conversation when my SIL (the bride's mother) asked DH if DS could be the ring-bearer. It was at my DD's birthday party about a month ago when I was busy with something else and out of the room. DH didn't tell me about it for nearly a week because he got busy and forgot. So I never really had the chance to ask about DD directly, and I haven't seen my SIL since then nor our niece since February. And they don't live close by, and I feel weird being the one to bring it up since this is DH's side.

Basically, I just want to understand the reasoning so I can help DD understand the reasoning so we can resolve this one way or another without misunderstandings.




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Old 05-19-2017, 08:05 AM   #26
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

OP, I want to say this as gently as possible, because clearly your feelings are hurt for your daughter. The thing is, your daughter will get over this way before you. I assume your daughter is a guest of this wedding, and that is honor enough. If you feel you must give her a reason (which I'm almost sure she will not require) your first instinct is best. "Bride is a close relation of Sophia and wanted to honor her, and I'm so happy for her" No grumbling! Don't let your daughter know you think it's a terrible decision.

This really isn't as awkward from a child's perspective as the adults in her life are making it to be. Just because she likes this kind of stuff doesn't mean she can't be honored to be a guest. And really, the bride doesn't owe you any explanations.

When my husband's cousins got married, there were a grand total of 15 small children in the immediate family and people coming from other countries and yet no children allowed except one daughter of his sister. What to do? The family got a babysitter and the kids that had to be there were cared for, and we decided not to come because of it because our daughter was too small for a strange babysitter. It was irritating but it was their wedding and they didn't owe us anything in the way of an explanation.

Good luck in holding your tongue and not stressing this poor bride out.
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Old 05-19-2017, 12:38 PM   #27
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

You dont have to have an exact reason why. And she is not obligated to give you one either. Even if she flat out specifically didnt want your daughter involved it her decision. You can tell your daughter with out making it into a huge deal. But again we live in a house where fair doesnt exist.

If it is such a big deal that your son is in it and your daughter isnt then let your niece know your son wont be participating. It doesnt mean you get to insert your daughter because that is what YOU want on HER wedding day.

I say all of this as someone who had their wedding day ruined by my husbands family. They flat out ruined my day. Not even over who was in it because it was me, my husband, my toddler, and my newborn all "taking vows". No wedding party involved. And we both wore jeans and got hitched after a church service. Just like it was my day and my wedding this is your niece's day and her wedding. She gets to decide. She chose her little sister. Which honestly should get priority over a cousin.

I'm sorry. I am trying to be nice about the situation and see your point of view. But all I gather is that your daughter was left out so you are trying to insert her anyway possible. And demanding that the bride give you a detailed reason why she chose her sister over a cousin. It is her wedding. And at this point I would have not only pulled your son over this nonsense but told you not to bother coming and being bitter on my wedding day.
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Old 05-19-2017, 12:42 PM   #28
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One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

If she wants her sister, that's fine. I never said she shouldn't have her sister. I was asking about her having a second flower girl or a junior bridesmaid. And I haven't actually talked to anyone in the family other than DH about it. My MIL decided on her own that she needed to talk to my
SIL. Don't know if she ever actually did. For all I know, the bride is completely oblivious to these concerns. I wanted to get input before deciding if I should say anything.


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Old 05-19-2017, 01:34 PM   #29
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

When I got married I had a cousin age 10 that I was very close to. I considered finding a spot for her in my wedding but decided against it. She seemed to young to be a bridesmaid, and my ring bearer was 5 and I wanted a flower girl that was similar age (so she was to old, for that).... She ended up not being in the wedding bc she just didn't "fit". Maybe, that was selfish of me... but that was just how it was.

IMO a sister would be an obvious choice over another distant relative regardless of how close they are, and yes - she could include both of them, but if she doesn't want to for whatever reason - that is her choice.

I know you want a more specific reason but besides what everyone has already told you about not being owed one etc... There really is no way for you to ask without looking like you are "hurt", overstepping boundaries, and being down right offensive.

Some times things don't work out the way you want, and you don't really know the reason - that is a good lesson for kids to learn as well. Not only disappointment but realizing sometimes things just don't make sense (at least from your perspective).

And on a side note to the people responding that you didn't choose anyone bc you didn't want anyone left out - How sad for the person you would have chosen, they didn't get to be apart of something special bc of the fear of hurting someone else
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Old 05-19-2017, 01:49 PM   #30
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Re: One sibling in a wedding but not the other sibling

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And on a side note to the people responding that you didn't choose anyone bc you didn't want anyone left out - How sad for the person you would have chosen, they didn't get to be apart of something special bc of the fear of hurting someone else

No, they were still a part of it. Just not as bridesmaids. One was a photographer, one did a reading for us, one managed the guestbook. They were in a ton of family pictures that were taken.

I am not going to say anything to our niece. Not because I think she'd get mad and throw us out of all things related to her wedding. She's not like that. Another more serious family issue has come up in the past few days that needs more attention than this. And unless someone volunteers a more concrete reason, I'm just going to tell DD that her cousin already had a flower girl picked out and there wasn't room for another one, but she can help me get DS ready during rehearsal and the wedding day.


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