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Old 05-31-2006, 12:37 PM   #11
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Re: Need some advice from Mamas who gently parent (only those mamas please)...

I was forced to eat as a child, and it was AWFUL. I couldn't stand watching it.
BUT - I do understand how easy it can be to fall into something like that, esp if that is the way you were raised. When we started solids with ds, we found ourselves over-encouraging him to eat them. He is naturally a very cautious baby when it comes to change, and so moved very slowly with his solids. In hopes of getting better sleep at night, we really wanted him to move faster. I realized fairly quickly the trap we were falling into, and it would certainly lead to a childhood full of food struggles, and put a stop to it right away.
There is a book I read that really helped me to understand all this (and how I was fed as a child plays into eating issues that I have now). It's called "Child of Mine - Feeding with Love and Good Sense" by Ellyn Satter. She is a dietitian, mother and grandmother, and it's a great book about how to avoid feeding struggles, how they contribute to both undereating and overeating, and how you can get out of a feeding mess if you are in it.
There are a couple issues in the book that I am not in complete agreement with (she is not really in favor of extended bfing) but her info on getting kids to eat the right amounts of all kinds of foods without any struggle is fantastic.

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Old 05-31-2006, 12:52 PM   #12
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Re: Need some advice from Mamas who gently parent (only those mamas please)...

Its a hard situation you are in. I totaly understand how you would not want your DS to see that kind of parenting. I hate when I take my DS to his cousins and their mama yells at them to do anything. It makes me not want to go over there. But as Okie said there could be a reason for her style of parenting. As far as the eating I think a child should never be forced to eat and will eat when they are hungry. Some days my DS will eat lots of fruits veggies and all the good stuff and other days he won't eat real well. I just always offer good stuff and know that he will eat when he is hungry. There is another book I got at LLL called My child won't eat. I haven't really read it but I know it hits on the point of children eat when they need to and to not force them.

Talk to your friend but don't attack her parenting style. Do you have any books on gentle parenting that you can offer her?? Just say hey I know parenting can be hard just thought you might like to read these, these have really helped me out with DS. Being a parent is very hard and gentle parenting takes lots of patience and understanding and some mama's just don't know how to do it, or really don't know much about it. I didn't learn about it till I had DD 11 weeks ago but I releized how I was parenting DS was already gentle.

Good Luck Mama!!
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Old 05-31-2006, 12:57 PM   #13
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Re: Need some advice from Mamas who gently parent (only those mamas please)...

Okiemunchkinsmom,
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Old 05-31-2006, 01:44 PM   #14
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Re: Need some advice from Mamas who gently parent (only those mamas please)...

Personally, I would leave it. I am a foster parent, and most people think I am incredibly strict (and probably mean) with my 5yo foster son (soon to adopt as well) - even my parents say "aw, hon, just let him this time...."

For my fs, though, this one time turns into EVERY time, kwim? If you give in just once with him, he thinks that means you will give in every time and he won't quit until you do. He has ODD/ARND and possible RAD. It's a handful in the least.

BUT since we are consistent, he has improved so much the CAS worker says he's not even the same little boy she brought to us almost 3 years ago.

If your friend is parenting that way, chances are that the little ones are at risk for RAD (or possibly are already), and "brick wall" parenting style IS what works best, even though we look like wretched meanies from the outside looking in, kwim?

tng_mama's son has ODD and I always thought "geez, how come they have to be so strict with him but not their dd??". THEN I GOT MY OWN! lol

I hope you can have an awesome visit with your friend, and I think the best thing you can do is to just be supportive - Okiemunchkinsmom is right and she probably hasn't disclosed ALL the info on the girls to you.

Hope this helps clear it up from "the other side"!
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Old 06-01-2006, 01:06 AM   #15
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Re: Need some advice from Mamas who gently parent (only those mamas please)...

Thanks for the great informative posts! & supportive posts!

I completely understand where you are coming from with black/white parenting... I had a dear friend growing up who had a learning disability & her very sweet mom actually talked to me about this at one time... unfortuantly, I don't think this is the situation ... My dear friend (college roommate) actually uses the same type of controlling care with her child care children also... & it's weird to think she has a farily high end child care, charging nearly the highest prices in her area! Don't get me wrong though, she is also a loving person, it just seems that she gets "caught up in the power struggle" (as one of the pps said). And she just can't understand the "pick your battles idea," she prefers to dig everything into the ground...

My freind has most likely has told me every detail, even the ones she shouldn't have shared... I have also done foster care & child care (I know that's weird, it was before my dp & ds, so most people would assume I'm new to parenting with a 2 yrs old, but actually got about 5 years experience while waiting for my dp & ds ) I can see that she could use more information about parenting, both in general & also parenting a foster/hurt child... she actually said to me the other night, "soon she will be able to tell the girls she is their mommy, their good mommy, not like their other mommy!"

I want to be a good friend to her, but I'm not actually sure that now is the time for me to take on a visit from her... Hopefully things will be looking up as far as the idea of a visit soon!

Thank you for the book titles, I had heard about controlling food intake causing eating disorders, but didn't have a reference to show for it, now I can share the books with her!! I will take some time to try to make sure that I introduce the books in a loving way so she is more likely to actually take a look! thanks again...
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Old 06-01-2006, 02:22 AM   #16
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Re: Need some advice from Mamas who gently parent (only those mamas please)...

Okie posted a good post... as did many others.

The only thing I can add is that if the respect for the others' parenting style isn't evident, then the visit is useless. You will turn yourself inside out with worry and end up with an ulcer regarding the parenting style in which you've deemed unacceptable. Regardless if you agree with it or not, if it works for her family, than that's what matters the most. I don't see anything that you've posted about your friend that would indicate that the children are abused in any manner, so why focus on something that you essentially have no control over?

good luck if you choose to have the visit! And if you do, enjoy your friend and her children.
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Old 06-01-2006, 07:03 AM   #17
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Re: Need some advice from Mamas who gently parent (only those mamas please)...

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy2zander
I cared for them for 2 weeks before Christmas & witnessed a few power struggles (in the time she & I were both there) between her & the kids that made me cry (literaly)... one was that she would not give the girls their super until they signed the name of the food... another was that they had to eat (gage down) food they didn't like to get more of the other foods...
That is really worrisome to me. I've known lots of people with eating disorders over the years, and quite a few of them, the initial disordered behaviors came from a need to control - often in response to an overly controlling parent - especially controlling when it came to foods.

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Old 06-01-2006, 08:31 AM   #18
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Re: Need some advice from Mamas who gently parent (only those mamas please)...

I was thinkging and I wanted to add to be prepared for her to attack your style of parenting. A lot of people don't know about or understand gentle parenting (atleast from what I've seen). In my case my immediate family understands and loves the way I parent but my cousin just thinks I am letting Lukas get away with to much. So just doesn't see us to much to see how well behavied he is and how loving he is.

For you case though in your friends my she might think her style of parenting is the right way espically is she likes to have the power. So if you do talk to he about gentle parenting and how wonderful it is, like I said just be prepared for her to attack espically if she is set in her ways.


Hope this makes sense.
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:31 PM   #19
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Re: Need some advice from Mamas who gently parent (only those mamas please)...

This is a really difficult situation to be in.

I had a similar issue with a good friend of mine. I didnt agree with her parenting style at all, and as one of the pp'ers mentioned she did in fact attack my parenting style constantly. She would always say I didnt understand because her child was 'spirited' . She claimed that if I had her ds I would do the same. One of our biggest issues was cio... I couldnt stand to be anywhere near them during nap time. Her ds would cry and cry...even to the point he would gag and throw up and she would carry on as though nothing was wrong. She said it was good for him. She also hit, which really bugged me too. Ultimately our friendship really suffered and we got into many fights about this. I tried never to attack her parenting and offered to help her and offered much gentler ways to solve some of their issues, even offered to stay over and help. She always blew up at me. It got to the point we couldnt be around eachother with our kids because I couldnt watch what she was doing and she couldnt stay quite about what I was not doing. It ended up that her little boy has alot of 'issues' that I firmly believe are because of her parenting choices... he is even seeing a social worker who has told her she needs to be more gentle in her approach to him. She grumbles about his and does nothing differently.
The reason I brought this story up was I wanted to illustrate that these types of situations do escalate and are not always easily solved. If it were me, I dont think I could have her over. I dont think I could watch her parent in the ways that she does and I dont know that I would want my children around that either. I am sorry, I know I am not much help!

As for the foster care issues mentioned, I really dont want to start a debate here, but I have to offer my expriences As a foster mom as well, I believe that gentle parenting is especially important for those children in foster care who have experience abuse or neglect. Of course every child is different and therefore our experiences will be as well, but I have found that in my experience with RAD and possible FAS very gentle attached parenting has been extremely successful.

Good luck to you and I hope your able to figure out a good solution.
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Old 06-01-2006, 08:54 PM   #20
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Re: Need some advice from Mamas who gently parent (only those mamas please)...

that is actually terribly difficult. I'd feel the same way as you and I probably couldn't handle being around it. So sorry!
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