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Old 09-04-2010, 10:24 AM   #1
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MIL stuff... again.

So, I'm not sure if this is the best place to post this, if its not sorry Anyone else think we should have a sub-forum for Parent/IL rants?

Long story short, after a (yet another) very stupid and absolutely ridiculous "squabble" with my MIL and SIL, I decided I no longer wanted their drama and manipulation in my or my children's lives. They are no longer to receive pictures or information about me or my children. However, DH is not on board with any of it, and will never see any fault in his family whatsoever. His mom is sick, she has been on "her deathbed" about 20 times this year so far. She has been sick forever. While I do feel bad for her and my husband, it is still no excuse for her behavior and I won't accept it as one.
Apparently DH has been talking to her about the boys and the baby. I don't know if its just mama bear pregnancy hormones going insane, but it is seriously aggravating me. I'm not having any trouble with low blood pressure today, if that explains anything I don't want to fight with DH about this anymore, after all the turmoil this woman and her family has caused for MY marriage in the past 4 years, part of me wants to just leave it be. At the same time, why should I have to sit here and boil just to avoid a fight? Another, smaller, part of me wants to say if he can't respect me and my feelings, then maybe he shouldn't have anything to talk to her about and send pictures of I admit its way extreme, but hey, I'm pregnant! I'm pissed!

So, needing a little 3rd party advice... is this something I should really just let go and (try to) chill out? Am I just being crazy and hormonal? Because that is totally how I feel, even though I feel the craziness is at least somewhat justified. If that makes sense at all?

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Old 09-04-2010, 10:29 AM   #2
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Re: MIL stuff... again.

Can you be more specific about your MIL and SIL? Are they boundary pushing? Do they ignore your parenting wishes? You and your DuH have to be united when it comes to family.
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Old 09-04-2010, 10:32 AM   #3
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Re: MIL stuff... again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by logansmomma07 View Post
They are no longer to receive pictures or information about me or my children.
This is you, playing into their drama. Stop.

IMHO.
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Old 09-04-2010, 11:07 AM   #4
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Re: MIL stuff... again.

You cannot stop your Dh from talking to his family about his children, you can't try to control him that way it will strain the marriage even more. If you choose not to take part in whats going on thats fine, but he is as much the parent as you are and can stay in contact and send pictures talk etc etc.
Unless they endangering the kids, I'd leave Dh to deal with his family. I backed off and left my Dh to deal with his, he could take Ds there whenever he wanted while I was at work. I didn't like it but I bit my tongue (this MIL tried to get us to divorce and give Ds to her ) He didn't last long, he cut them out of his life himself, it's been 19 years and she hasn't met my younger two children.
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Old 09-04-2010, 11:38 AM   #5
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Re: MIL stuff... again.

Either you get DH on your side and present a united front, or you just have to let go and let your DH handle it the way he sees fit. You don't have to talk to them, you don't have to go see them, but if your DH wants to maintain the relationship then you have to let him.
Even if you got divorced your DH would still get visitation and he would still be sharing pictures and stuff with his family. You really can't stop it.

I think it is a little ridiculous that you have decided to cut them out of your family life without your DH's agreement. Really? That is totally disrespectful of HIM. I get that you think he is disrespecting you, but IMO you are behaving just as badly. You two need to actually communicate about this and come to some sort of agreement.
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Old 09-04-2010, 12:09 PM   #6
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Re: MIL stuff... again.

I have a policy (that even drives ME crazy) that unless a family member is actually abusive, I will never cut them out. I would love to say see-ya to some of my family members, but I can't. I just limit what they can do. I will never leave my son alone with most of my family members, because I just don't trust him to treat him like we do. And I have serious, long-term issues with a lot of those family members. For example, one SIL will ask the KID "Do you want to come play at my house and watch movies and eat candy and have a sleepover?" The kid gets all excited and then the parent has to be the bad guy and say no- because I just don't believe in a "no-rules" environment, even as a "holiday" for kids. But I just have to be the bad guy and say things like, "Please do not invite my son to do things without asking me first, it's manipulative, and just because he's excited does not mean I'll say yes." It's rough, and a lot of my wishes go un-repsected, but because they are family I just suffer through the frustration. UNLESS***there is real danger involved, in which case, see ya later. Not worth my time or fear or frustration! I've caused some real rows over what I'll let family do and not do with my kid, but I don't care. They know I'll always be there, they can always see him, just on my turf and with my rules.
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Old 09-04-2010, 12:11 PM   #7
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Re: MIL stuff... again.

One thing I did do to cut the drama...I quit facebook. If someone has an issue, they have to CALL me or talk to me. It's amazing how good it was for my family. Now I don't see their passive-aggressive crap, and if I have something to say I say it right to their face. Sometimes I find out it was just a mis-understanding after all. It's been a real help.
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Old 09-04-2010, 12:19 PM   #8
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Re: MIL stuff... again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MCR View Post
You cannot stop your Dh from talking to his family about his children, you can't try to control him that way it will strain the marriage even more. If you choose not to take part in whats going on thats fine, but he is as much the parent as you are and can stay in contact and send pictures talk etc etc.
Unless they endangering the kids, I'd leave Dh to deal with his family. I backed off and left my Dh to deal with his, he could take Ds there whenever he wanted while I was at work. I didn't like it but I bit my tongue (this MIL tried to get us to divorce and give Ds to her ) He didn't last long, he cut them out of his life himself, it's been 19 years and she hasn't met my younger two children.
This! My DH's parents live in another state and he will not take the kids out of state without me (yet, They are still toddlers) But he tells them what's up and sends pics and I'm ok with it as long as I don't have to do it!
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Old 09-04-2010, 12:34 PM   #9
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Re: MIL stuff... again.

I don't think I have time to really go into all the details, but I know I really sound crazy. However, my dad's mother was the EXACT same way. My mom let it slide my entire childhood. I remember the fights, the arguments, and what it did to my parents' marriage. My grandmother played my dad and us against my mother ALL THE TIME. It was horrible. I honestly feel that she is the reason for all the BS in my family growing up. (And I do know the whole story). It took yet another falling out after I graduated and left home for my dad to see what my grandmother was doing. They have had no contact since.

I DO NOT want my children growing up with that. My MIL has manipulated and turned my DH against me on several issues since we first got married. It all started on his first deployment, and I was pregnant with DS1. I blame most of the issues of that pregnancy on the stress from HER. It is the most ridiculous things she will go insane over. I don't want my kids to grow up and have her talking in their ears about me, like she does to my husband. Dh won't see it. He thinks his mother is perfect and can do no wrong, I get blamed for it all. TBH, I'm sick of it. It has been almost nonstop fighting since we got married because of her, I don't want to have the turmoil in my family anymore. They live in AL, we live in TX. Not that difficult.

And I deleted his whole family and any family friends from my FB. I don't do FB drama

Like I said, I think I'm being a little over-sensitive and easily aggravated. I WISH I could just let it go
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Old 09-04-2010, 01:05 PM   #10
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Re: MIL stuff... again.

This is the place to be overly sensitive, Momma. We're all here, going through different versions of the same thing. Don't worry! Just vent it out, remember that you are sane, not to let insane people try to take that from you, and realize that your children will always love you no matter what. It's so hard to have something like this between you and your DH- you can't fix his family- but I would work on making sure he believes you, or at least understands your point of view when it comes to him family. It'll pay off in the long run if you do what you have to in that regard.
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