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Old 09-19-2013, 09:52 AM   #1
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I want more :-(

I need advice on what to do... Or how to make this work if anyone has btdt...

Dh and I both have great careers, we make a good amount of money, and have one child. We have nice cars but lease to keep payments low, I buy second hand when I can and lo's grandparents spoil him rotten with clothes and toys so we don't spend a lot there... We coupon and buy on sales

I desperately want more but we simply cannot afford it... Daycare around here isn't crazy expensive, but ds is in a center that is the highest price around, it's the only center within a reasonable distance of home/work, and I'm not comfortable with home daycare. But anyway, we pay almost as much for daycare as we do for our mortgage :-/ and we just can't afford to double that...

I see all these people that have 2-4 kids, and keep having more, how do they do it? I'm so jealous it's making me depressed. I can't quit my job bc dh can't get insurance through his, and my benefits are great. In about 5 years he will have a huge change in his pay and be able to afford more but I don't want that age gap...

I feel like I'm turning into a resentful person, I love my lo an he's the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, and I want him to have siblings! Lately when others are expecting I can't even feel excited for them, it's almost like I'm irritated by it now, I hate hate hate this :-( I'm not normally that kind of person...

I guess this is more of a rant and less of a question but I don't know what to do :-/ I need to figure out how to get out of this funk I'm in..


On another note... Maybe my mirena is just turning me into a crazy person??? Lol

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Old 09-19-2013, 10:05 AM   #2
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Re: I want more :-(

Some people really cannot afford it but have more anyway. Others work opposite shifts or have family willing to do cheap child care.

When we had our second child we really couldn't afford it. He was a surprise so we dealt with it. When our older kids were small I stayed home because it wasn't worth it to pay child care for 2 children. Once our kids got older I started working opposite shifts from my husband. Eventually one job let me keep the kids in the break room until my husband came for them, 30 minutes. Then along came number 3. Again we really could not afford the day care for him so I stayed home. He is still only 2 so I am still home.

Gaps in children happen whether you want them or not. My kids are 14 yo, 10 yo, and 2 yo. We did not plan it this way. Financially it would have been easier to have had them all in a relatively short period of time. Then I would now be back at work and no longer on public aid. It just didn't work that way though.
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Old 09-19-2013, 10:14 AM   #3
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Re: I want more :-(

You have to be willing to sacrifice somewhere if having more kids is what you really want. If neither of you wants to stay at home or can't afford to, how about switching hours to eliminate the need for daycare? Daycare IS expensive. I have a nursing license but if I was working right now my income would basically cover daycare without much left over. It just wouldn't work for us. We manage on my husband's income, and while we don't live an extravagant lifestyle we have everything we need, and our kids all have plenty of nice clothes and more than enough toys. I buy stuff for them on clearance or wait for really good sales, shop at consignment shops, sometimes use coupons, etc. Here's where we sacrifice - we don't have credit cards. At all. We have debit cards connected to our checking account and that's it. If we don't have the money for it, we don't buy it. We have 2 vehicles that my husband does a great job at maintaining, but they are not new. One is a 98 truck, the other is a 2003 van. We saved up and paid cash for each, so no car payments. Not having car payments in itself is a huge savings.

All I can say is, if there's a will, there's a way. If there's absolutely nothing you can or want to eliminate, change, or do without, then maybe waiting for 5 years til your DH's pay increases is what will work best for you, even if you aren't happy about the age gap. It wouldn't be the end of the world. My oldest is 16, and my youngest, at the moment, is 17 months....the interaction between them is just as amazing to see as the way the ones who are close together in age relate to each other.

Try not to stress about it. Talk to your hubby. Talk to family. Can any family members pitch in with childcare? Consider the possibility of a home daycare. There are plenty that are run by wonderful families, who, IMO, would take better care of your kids in a family setting, as well as be able to provide more attention and care than some of these 'professional' daycare centers that have too many kids and not enough staff. ( I'm not knocking your particular daycare...I know there are plenty that are also well run and take excellent care of the children ). Anyhow, if you and your DH are wanting more kids now, it CAN be done. There are a lot of mamas here on DS ( and many with large families ) that will tell you that it doesn't have to take a lot of money and major expenses to raise kids and have a happy, healthy, well cared for family :-)
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Old 09-19-2013, 10:14 AM   #4
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Re: I want more :-(

sorry, it double posted....
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Old 09-19-2013, 10:29 AM   #5
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Re: I want more :-(

I know it is difficult, but you're being smart about the situation. Too many people have kids they can't afford with the idea that everything will work out. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't.... and when it doesn't it's a disaster.

That being said, remember that daycare is only going to make things tight for five years - less than that if your oldest is going to be in school in two years. Take a hard look at your finances and see if you can sacrifice something for the short term - can you contribute less to retirement? Can you get by with one car? Is an extra part time job feasible?

And on the other hand, single child families are wonderful things. I know a few only children and they are wonderful, well rounded children. They have every opportunity , very little financial stress and quite nice lives. There are a lot of benefits to having a small family.
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Old 09-19-2013, 10:32 AM   #6
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I totally agree that if there's a will there's a way. First thing I would do would be get rid of the leased cars and buy, with cash, two cars you can afford. When I did work, I worked opposite of DH so we would have no daycare. With Obamacare kicking in soon could you buy insurance and quit your job? Cut costs as much as needed. Eat at home, etc. why are you reluctant to use an in home daycare?

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Old 09-19-2013, 11:13 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by 7 for now
I totally agree that if there's a will there's a way. First thing I would do would be get rid of the leased cars and buy, with cash, two cars you can afford. When I did work, I worked opposite of DH so we would have no daycare. With Obamacare kicking in soon could you buy insurance and quit your job? Cut costs as much as needed. Eat at home, etc. why are you reluctant to use an in home daycare? Sent from my iPhone using DS Forum
I think in my area there are just tooooo many people who decide they want to be a sahm and then decide to open a daycare bc they need the money... It's extremely hard to tell what type of care the child is getting, I have an acquaintance who works at a home daycare that tons of people think is just wonderful, but the things she's told me that go on there (that she sees as perfectly fine) are crazy, and it made me lose trust in that type of daycare :-/ and I love where he is now and moving him at this time just isn't an option...

The lifestyle change (different cars etc...) can't really happen right now, we have clients/customers that need to see us doing well to believe in our business... Sucks but that's life...


Thanks for all the advice, a lot of it I think I already knew but just needed to hear...

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Old 09-19-2013, 11:25 AM   #8
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Re: I want more :-(

Quote:
desperately want more but we simply cannot afford it... Daycare around here isn't crazy expensive, but ds is in a center that is the highest price around, it's the only center within a reasonable distance of home/work, and I'm not comfortable with home daycare. But anyway, we pay almost as much for daycare as we do for our mortgage :-/ and we just can't afford to double that...
Let me ask you this...

Is keeping your single child in a convenient daycare center really more important to you than having more children?

Life is a filmstrip, not a snapshot. Right now, money is tight because you choose an expensive daycare for convenience. In 2 years, your life will be different. And in 5 years it will be even more different.

In 5 years, which will you regret more, having compromised on daycare, or never having had another child?
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Old 09-19-2013, 11:26 AM   #9
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Re: I want more :-(

Another suggestion...get rid of the car leases. Save up a few thousand, go buy a car with CASH and you will have the lowest payments around...ZERO. I haven't had a car payment in YEARS.
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Old 09-19-2013, 11:32 AM   #10
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Re: I want more :-(

I'm expecting number 3 -- but have had my children spaced in a way that I will never need 2 children in daycare at any time (other then school holidays).

When I return to work after this one, DD2 will be starting full day kindergarten. DH and I both work outside of the home. Right now MIL and my mom are splitting on childcare -- but it hasn't always been this way, and I don't expect it to continue this way.
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