C/S recovery...am I being overly concerned?

[SkyeSpade]

This might be the wrong forum for this. OT might be better, and if that's so, feel free to suggest I move it. But I figure the post-birth + c/s part of this is what made it fit in this forum.

So I have a c/s scheduled for 6/22. (DS was an emergency c, OB says 17 months in between is too short for her to be willing to try VBAC, DH says he'd feel more comfortable with c/s, I said okay.) OB's policy is all c/s patients stay in the hospital 4 days following birth. DH works that whole time, so it'll basically be just me and LO2. I'll come home and since DH (and the rest of my family) is still working, it's still just me and LO2.....and 17-month old DS.

The next week, DH starts a mandatory holiday from where his work shuts down the first two weeks of July every year. He told me today that he would like to go see his family on the 4th, which is a 2 hr drive each way. I told him I wasn't going to be feeling up to making that drive.

Now he's asking if we can host a cookout for the 4th at our place instead.


Am I being selfish / wrong / overly concerned by saying - I really don't feel comfortable with that and would prefer to not host a get-together less than 2 weeks after the birth, especially immediately after what I expect to be a very trying week?

[Leah52]

I wouldn't host a party two weeks after a vaginal delivery much less a c-section. It's hard for men to understand but try to get the point across: 2 weeks post partum you shouldn't be doing much more than sitting around the house all day feeding your baby. Send hubby and your older son to visit the in laws if you are comfortable with that. You can sleep all day (well, when the baby does) or catch up on personal time.

[tavosmama]

No freakin way should you be hosting a family event at your home right after a c/s. Have your OB explain to your husband that you could hemorrhage and die. Plus more people=more germs and I'm not a germ-aphobe in anyway, but brand new baby + lots of people. Nope nope nope.

[Just2fornow]

NOPE! I agree with PP who said to send your DS and DH to his family and spend the whole day sleeping and snuggling your new baby!!!

[slimy72]

My mom actually stayed with me for a full month after my C because I was barely up to taking care of myself, and at the end of three weeks dh had to go out of town. The original plan was for her to stay only two but by two it was clear that I couldn't be home alone while dh was gone and care for myself and DS. So she stayed that extra two weeks to help get my house deep cleaned and stay with us while dh left. NO WAY in heck would I be up to any travel, and no way would I host a BBQ. Now if dh was insistent, I would lay down some strict conditions. First, he'd have to hire someone to come in and clean my house so it was presentable. Second, the BBQ would have to be potluck, every body brings their own meat and a side or salad to share. That way you can just send dh to the deli for some salad and meat to be your contribution and that's it, no cooking for you. AND finally everyone needs to know they are in charge of cleaning up after themselves. Lastly, dh has to care for ds 1 during this time so you still have time/energy to sleep. I understand how hard it is to put your foot down and say no to something, but I have learned with my hubby rather than saying no, I say I'll agree to it with these conditions. Sometimes he's willing to do the extra if it really matters to him, sometimes he's not. Oh, and he needs to budget in enough that if everyone doesn't do their part to clean up, he has to be willing to have the cleaner come back and put the house back in order. Absolutely no way should you be lifting a finger for an extra party and all that work two weeks past c section. So, in a nutshell, I would tell dh, no way is this happening. But if it's really important to you, these are the terms under which YOU (not me) can host this Fortunately, after seeing how badly I struggled after my first, dh would never even bother asking me this.

oh, and as for the baby and germs, he also must understand that you may not come out the full time people are their, you aren't anti social you just need rest. And baby may be staying in the house with a monitor on, and not be around all those people. DH insisted we go to a farewell dinner for his cousin (when my boy was one month old and I didn't want to stay alone for a whole day) and my strict rule to him was no body but the two of us hold him (not taking the rsv chance even though it was may). Dh agreed and we kept a tight hold of him despite aunts, cousins, and grandmas wanting to play pass the baby.

[SkyeSpade]

Thanks for all the advice. I've tried the "you go ahead and go down and I'll stay up here" suggestion to him, but either he doesn't want to leave us, or he doesn't want to have to be in charge of DS by himself that whole time (usually when we go visit his family, I become designated caretaker for DS and his 4yo nephew while the rest of the adults visit with one another...it's not so much that I'm expected to, it's more that they'd just leave the two of them unsupervised in a very non-toddler friendly bedroom if I wasn't in there...or equally likely, DS would be alone exploring the room while the 4yo nephew followed DH around wanting his attention while DH got irritated by him, hence why I've started to step in....oh this is a whole other rant for another time and post!)... But every time it's come up, he's ignored the suggestion like it's not even an option.

As for all the conditions to the cookout, I don't think I could get away with that! I once asked when we were in college if we could start asking his cousins to either pay us for beer or bring their own (which they were all under 21 so that wasn't really an option), and he told me that I was crazy! I think a flat-out "I know this is holiday is important to you, but no, it's not a good idea" will be more effective. I'm just concerned that my reaction is a selfish one, and I don't want to be that way.

[tavosmama]

There is nothing selfish about needing to heal. You need to take it easy or complications can happen that will put you out of commission for much longer than 3 or 4 weeks. I give myself a month for a vaginal delivery. I listen to my body, if my body says I'm not going grocery shopping or cleaning the living room or getting out of bed, well then my DH is just SOL.

[slimy72]

Originally Posted by SkyeSpade Thanks for all the advice. I've tried the "you go ahead and go down and I'll stay up here" suggestion to him, but either he doesn't want to leave us, or he doesn't want to have to be in charge of DS by himself that whole time (usually when we go visit his family, I become designated caretaker for DS and his 4yo nephew while the rest of the adults visit with one another...it's not so much that I'm expected to, it's more that they'd just leave the two of them unsupervised in a very non-toddler friendly bedroom if I wasn't in there...or equally likely, DS would be alone exploring the room while the 4yo nephew followed DH around wanting his attention while DH got irritated by him, hence why I've started to step in....oh this is a whole other rant for another time and post!)... But every time it's come up, he's ignored the suggestion like it's not even an option. As for all the conditions to the cookout, I don't think I could get away with that! I once asked when we were in college if we could start asking his cousins to either pay us for beer or bring their own (which they were all under 21 so that wasn't really an option), and he told me that I was crazy! I think a flat-out "I know this is holiday is important to you, but no, it's not a good idea" will be more effective. I'm just concerned that my reaction is a selfish one, and I don't want to be that way.

Well, if those are the two situations, then I would veto them both. He can go with ds 1 if he wants to go, or he can stay home. No way would I agree to host a BBQ with you doing the work. Does he want you to end up back in the hospital? That's a very real possibility with him asking you to overexert yourself like that. And as for no to the potluck idea, really our family does pot lucks all the time. Heck, even when we do a birthday party for someone we do it potluck, and birthday family just provides the meat. So that's normal to me, and my family and dh's family wouldn't batt an eye at it. Sorry you're dealing with this, but it sounds like you need to speak up for yourself and defend your own recovery time, you are not being unreasonable.

[slimy72]

Originally Posted by tavosmama There is nothing selfish about needing to heal. You need to take it easy or complications can happen that will put you out of commission for much longer than 3 or 4 weeks. I give myself a month for a vaginal delivery. I listen to my body, if my body says I'm not going grocery shopping or cleaning the living room or getting out of bed, well then my DH is just SOL.

This exactly!! After a c section though it's more like 6-8 weeks, at least it was for me. But I also attempted to mop and do dishes at a week out, and gave myself some of those lovely complications you always hear about. Trust me it sucks.

[cinderella08]

You are definitely not being selfish! Not only do you need time to heal, but time to adjust to a mother of two and time to bond with your new babe!