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Old 05-11-2012, 09:38 AM   #1
MamaWillow
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Would this make me a horrible person?

There is a long backstory to this, but in short, we have a friend who had her first baby on Wednesday. She's a single FTM and really seems to have no clue. We have asked her if she would like to rent our spare room from us for a few months (maybe 6?), just for support and community. It's hard being a FTM single mom, living alone. I've been there.

Anyway, she says she wants to BF, has been since birth, but it just seems she's not quite completely committed. I dunno, both MIL, DH, and I all see that there is something weird going on, I can't put my finger on it but we just have a feeling she won't do it for long. None of her family BF and her mom didn't either, so she doesn't have support from that end. I have been extremely supportive and have been trying to help her, and the hospital staff is great as well.

So our issue is: I don't want her living with us if she is not BFing. I know, I know, it sounds really awful. DH and I were talking about it last night, and BFing is seriously like a religion to us. We feel SO strongly about it and we are both so committed. The only thing I can compare it to is a religion. I would never be able to be ok with a non-BFer living in my home. DH wouldn't either, we just wouldn't be able to get past it. But really, if you were a devout Christian, or another religion, would you feel comfortable with someone with different beliefs living in your home? Maybe it's not even comparable because the boarder's beliefs can be kept to themselves. In the case of FFing, it's not like it's discreet.

Somehow I need to make it clear that she can't live with us if she isn't BFing. If there is some kind of medical issue or something and she can't, it wouldn't be a problem, but it's pretty clear that it's fine as of right now, and he's latching well and nursing a lot (in fact, he would like to nurse more than she's allowing, which is concerning me).

What do I do? Please don't tell me to get over it, I can't get past it and I would not be ok with it.

ETA: I do think that her chance of continuing to BF may increase if she does live with us, since I'm BFing and there is lots of support. I feel like I want to just say, if you quit BFing, you have to move out. I also feel like that's totally risking our friendship. And I know it's her baby, her body, but it's my home.

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Last edited by MamaWillow; 05-11-2012 at 09:44 AM.
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Old 05-11-2012, 09:45 AM   #2
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Re: Would this make me a horrible person?

What if there IS a backstory like a history of sexual abuse that makes it uncomfortable for her to breastfeed. You never know. If you have already offered her the room then I think you need to bite the bullet and be quiet. It is her child and she gets to feed as she sees fit. We are also taught not to be a stumbling block for others so if you were to confront her with the breastfeeding ultimatum would you feel good about what you are doing if it kept her from living in a safe nurturing environment? If you haven't offered the room then simply don't offer and be there for moral support if needed.
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Old 05-11-2012, 09:48 AM   #3
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Re: Would this make me a horrible person?

I guess what I'm saying is that breastfeeding shouldn't be forced or both mom and baby will end up miserable
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Old 05-11-2012, 09:53 AM   #4
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Re: Would this make me a horrible person?

Well, I will say that I don't think you are even remotely in the vicinity of being in the right...and just leave it at that.
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Old 05-11-2012, 09:54 AM   #5
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Yikes. I'd tell her so she can know up front what kind of judgemental people are offering her 'help'. Yuck. Bfing is not like religion. Not to mention, I thought religion was to be shared but apparently you use it as a bubble to segregate yourself.

I just have nothing more to say. Oh except that I am a huge supporter of bfing. In fact, I don't even like bfing this time around but I'm doing it anyway because I know it's what is best.
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Old 05-11-2012, 10:03 AM   #6
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Re: Would this make me a horrible person?

I was dissappointed when my sister didn't breastfeed, just like I was that niether one of my sisters wanted to cloth diaper. But I would never offer assistance to someone contingent upon them doing what I think is "right." I understand the passion associated with bf'ing and being an advocate. Give support and educate. But don't offer help if it's comes with requirements.
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Old 05-11-2012, 10:08 AM   #7
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Wow. Its a huge shame and makes me sad. This is another example of us mamas not being there to support each other no matter if their parenting choices are a bit different than our own. As if being a mom isnt hard enough. It is up to the MOM of the child whether or not they bf or ff. And it shouldn't be up to you on what she chooses. Its not your child.
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Old 05-11-2012, 10:13 AM   #8
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I don't think you should invite her to live with you.

I'm pretty sure if she knew that the gift came with a price, she would be devastated.
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Old 05-11-2012, 10:22 AM   #9
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How Is it any different than renting a room and saying "no alcohol," or "no meat" if we were vegetarians?
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Old 05-11-2012, 10:23 AM   #10
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I'll come out and say it, but I don't know how I'd feel if someone were ff in my home. I would not like it. I feel a little over the top about breastfeeding and would go as far as offering my expressed milk if I knew things were going down hill. :/

I think I know how you feel and what you are trying to say. The best thing you can do is be supportive. Offer whatever help you are willing to give as far as nursing, you never know. Remember, it's not the baby's fault.

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