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Old 05-11-2012, 10:57 AM   #21
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Re: Would this make me a horrible person?

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Okay, you didn't mention this was your nephew.

But still, again, how can you not see this as a recipe for disaster? Just your comments about drinking insinuate that you will be attempting to control her life. So it's not just nursing. She also can not drink? (which she can do and nurse, btw, within reason)

Do you want to control this situation or help a needy mom???

I guess you need a list. And make her sign on the bottom line. Cause your list grows..
Sure she can drink, I don't care. I do care if she's out getting drunk all the time (which is how she makes her pre-preg lifestyle sound). She's not "needy." She has a good job and she mostly has it together. She is simply a FTM who has talked a lot about how scared she is to have a baby, and doesn't have a lot of baby experience. She would be paying rent for the room.

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I guess I'm confused on a little detail. You said this was a friend. And now the baby's your nephew?

I'm not going to get into the argument because everyone's entitled to their own opinion but that detail left me scratching my head.

**I do know how to spell...my iPod on the other hand does not**
Yep. BIL got a girl pregnant last summer. He introduced us (he actually wanted me to talk her into a termination, I said no thanks) and we became friends. She is a great gal, we get along really well. DH likes her, my kids like her. She stayed with us the last couple of weeks of her pregnancy because she was feeling really alone. We enjoyed having her here and she enjoyed being here, and that's when DH had the idea to invite her to live with us after he is born (and pay rent). We've actually become really close in the past few months.

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Idk if this the same mama, but sometime back I did read something about a posters brother in law getting a woman pregnant. The poster became friends with pregnant mom. And the brother in law is not in relationship with mom. Sounds like this is that poster. My guess.
You got it.

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Old 05-11-2012, 11:01 AM   #22
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Re: Would this make me a horrible person?

I just wanted to share a few things to think through. I'm impressed by your generosity in opening your home! Please be careful with expectations, though.

I am very pro-breastfeeding, and I get wanting to help as much as possible. However, I don't think you can force someone to breastfeed. It sounds like she has other issues going on, and the last thing I would want to do would be to accidentally create a situation where she resents her baby. As someone else said, you never know what she's been through/going through.

If you think that having her live with you offers her the BEST chance of breastfeeding, then you can do you best to encourage her in a loving and supportive way as she's in your home but forcing it is over the line IMO. Also, based on what you've shared, it sounds like she might really benefit from having some positive parenting influences around her, regardless of whether she breastfeeds or not. I'd hate to withhold the community and support based on her choice to FF or BF. Perhaps overall parenting role modeling will affect the child for the next 18+ years in a positive emotional way. I think the dangers of emotional scarring due to other issues are greater than the "dangers" of FF.

My other concern is that if you disagree on this issue, you will likely disagree on others and it might get really uncomfortable (for example, crying it out, etc.).

If you decide to go forward, please take some time to think through your approach to letting her parent HER child. At some point, you might need to trust that she is learning from being in your loving home and watching your example even if she makes different choices (as long as baby is not in danger).

Please, please be careful about having her in your home with tons of conditions, but please also be careful about shutting her out based on one issue. You might be able to do great long-term good overall in the child's life, regardless of whether the baby thrives on formula or breastmilk. I hope you are able to find some balance and make a wise decision that works for your family and for hers. Best of luck!

P.S. I am not trying to sound negative, just trying to provide food for thought. Having someone live with you can be really challenging.

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Old 05-11-2012, 11:07 AM   #23
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Re: Would this make me a horrible person?

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I just wanted to share a few things to think through. I'm impressed by your generosity in opening your home! Please be careful with expectations, though.

I am very pro-breastfeeding, and I get wanting to help as much as possible. However, I don't think you can force someone to breastfeed. It sounds like she has other issues going on, and the last thing I would want to do would be to accidentally create a situation where she resents her baby. As someone else said, you never know what she's been through/going through.

If you think that having her live with you offers her the BEST chance of breastfeeding, then you can do you best to encourage her in a loving and supportive way as she's in your home but forcing it is over the line IMO. Also, based on what you've shared, it sounds like she might really benefit from having some positive parenting influences around her, regardless of whether she breastfeeds or not. I'd hate to withhold the community and support based on her choice to FF or BF. Perhaps overall parenting role modeling will affect the child for the next 18+ years in a positive emotional way. I think the dangers of emotional scarring due to other issues are greater than the "dangers" of FF.

My other concern is that if you disagree on this issue, you will likely disagree on others and it might get really uncomfortable (for example, crying it out, etc.).

If you decide to go forward, please take some time to think through your approach to letting her parent HER child. At some point, you might need to trust that she is learning from being in your loving home and watching your example even if she makes different choices (as long as baby is not in danger).

Please, please be careful about having her in your home with tons of conditions, but please also be careful about shutting her out based on one issue. You might be able to do great long-term good overall in the child's life, regardless of whether the baby thrives on formula or breastmilk. I hope you are able to find some balance and make a wise decision that works for your family and for hers. Best of luck!

P.S. I am not trying to sound negative, just trying to provide food for thought. Having someone live with you can be really challenging.
Thank you! I don't think you are sounding negative at all, in fact this is great advice. Things I need to think about.
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Old 05-11-2012, 11:09 AM   #24
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Re: Would this make me a horrible person?

You offered her a place to stay, and are now thinking about yanking it away from her because she possibly isn't going to raise HER baby the way SHE wants to. Do her a favor and tell her how you feel. Let her decide if she even wants to live with you if she does continue to bf. The last thing I would have wanted as a new mom would be someone harping on me about my decisions. I ff my first and second after giving up nursing. I nursed my 3rd until she weaned herself. I've been on both sides of the coin, and wouldn't have wanted to hear any opinions on feeding any of my kids.

I won't say you're a horrible person, but I certainly won't say it makes you a good friend.

ETA: Does she have anywhere to live if she doesn't live with you? I just saw she lived with you for the last few weeks of her pregnancy and wondered if she had her own place and just didn't want to be alone.

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Old 05-11-2012, 11:31 AM   #25
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Re: Would this make me a horrible person?

IMHO: Don't offer.

There is enough pressure placed on women to breastfeed. I felt immense guilt when I chose to stop with each of my kids. The last thing I would have needed was to feel like my baby and I wouldn't have a home if we made that choice. Talk about being miserable.

So no. Don't offer. Yes, she needs support. Yes, she needs a friend. No, she shouldn't be living with you under those "rules."
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Old 05-11-2012, 11:36 AM   #26
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Re: Would this make me a horrible person?

She isn't going to be homeless if she doesn't live with us. She has a job and her own apartment right now. We already offered so I guess one of us is screwed either way.
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Old 05-11-2012, 11:44 AM   #27
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Wow. I have to say I'm shocked at this. I love breastfeeding. I support it wholeheartedly and wish every mama would nurse her babies. But every mother makes choices, and we have to step back and let them make those choices.

It sounds like she needs a lot of support, with breastfeeding and everything else that comes along with having a newborn. Honestly, if you have this "condition" for her to be able to live with you, I wouldn't even offer. She is going to feel judged, unsupported, and probably walking on pins and needles in your home, afraid you are watching her every move. That's how I would feel anyway.

ETA: I just saw you already offered. In that case, I would tell her about your "rule" so she can decide if she even wants to live there. I wouldn't wait until she moves in and you see a can of formula and have to kick her out for it. Don't be surprised if your friendship suffers when you bring it up though.
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Last edited by joyous; 05-11-2012 at 11:46 AM.
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Old 05-11-2012, 11:47 AM   #28
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OP, how old are your children?
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Old 05-11-2012, 12:01 PM   #29
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Re: Would this make me a horrible person?

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OP, how old are your children?
9, 3, and 1. Why? You think they must be young and I'm inexperienced and just don't know what it's like to raise kids?

I can see some of your viewpoints. But seriously, would there be this much issue if I had said, we are vegetarians and we want to rent a room out, we are going to specify that there is no meat in our home? How is it different? We would still be "controlling" what they eat and if they had a child, we would be controlling what the child eats. I don't see how if it's your home, you don't have a right to specify what goes on in your home.
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Old 05-11-2012, 12:06 PM   #30
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If someone is paying rent to live somewhere then why would you be able to control what they eat anyways? I can understand not wanting it in your fridge but since they are paying rent they should be able to stock their own food such as in their own refrigerator.
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