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Old 06-19-2012, 11:57 AM   #21
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Re: DD has a "secret mommy"

Honestly, while I understand your side of things. I don't think there is much you can do. Not 100 percent sure but even legally I don't think you can prevent them from using "Mommy" when referring to the GF. Is she pregnant? Maybe they are planning on getting married and she will become the stepmommy.

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Old 06-20-2012, 06:45 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by Kimmyann
Honestly, while I understand your side of things. I don't think there is much you can do. Not 100 percent sure but even legally I don't think you can prevent them from using "Mommy" when referring to the GF. Is she pregnant? Maybe they are planning on getting married and she will become the stepmommy.
To the best of my knowledge she's not pregnant (he says he doesn't want to pay for any more kids) and he doesn't want to get married again.

I see what you're saying, but he's the one who said he didn't want our DD calling anyone else "daddy" and I agreed with him...he says "she has 1 mom & 1 dad, no step-parents or anything like that" but apparently that's only for me to follow. Oh well.

I know I can't do anything legally. I never said I planned on doing anything. I'm just frustrated that someone who barely sees my daughter and doesn't treat her too fabulously thinks she deserves to be called mommy.
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Old 06-20-2012, 08:40 AM   #23
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Re: DD has a "secret mommy"

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His newest thing....I *just* got a BF (someone I knew for almost a year before we started dating...and I haven't really dated anyone since baby daddy & I split up 3 1/2 years ago). So anyways, he tells our 4 1/2 year old that I have a boyfriend now and it means I won't be around as much and I won't have enough love for them both, so eventually I'll leave her. I'm like "WHO SAYS THAT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU"?? So when I asked him about it, he denied it...said I made it all up, I love the drama etc. I ended up introducing my daughter to my BF because she was so upset over it. After they met she said "oh mama, you're not going anywhere". She just needed to be reassured I guess? But according to him I made it all up to introduce my kid to my BF. It just sucks for her.

I can ignore it, but she has to spend one night a week at his house (it's court ordered) and it's not fair that while she's there he can tell her I won't love her any more and that I'm going to leave her. She's 4 1/2 and he sees nothing wrong with his behavior. It's all me.

I'm so very frustrated

If you haven't done so already, go get out your court-ordered parenting/custody agreement and scan through it. There should be a section in there that says that neither parent will say derogatory things about the other in front of the child (some go so far as to say they will not allow their other family members to do so, either).

And if you aren't doing it yet, start documenting things like this now. The bolded above is evidence of an emotionally abusive statement, and an attempt at alienation of affection. If it's a one-time "boy I really shouldn't have said that" thing, OK. But if it's a pattern, you may have legal recourse. DH refused to call his ex out for this kind of garbage (saying if he did, she'd take it out on DSS), and refused to document it. Over several years, she finally had DSS convinced that he would be better off living with her and sued for change of custody. (A mutual friend overheard her saying that her CPA advised her that it would be to her advantage to be able to claim him as a dependent on her taxes - that's when she got serious, telling DSS the same type of thing about DH not having enough time/love for both him and DS2). Since he had no documentation of alienation of affection, we pretty much had no choice but to let him go.
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Old 06-20-2012, 02:19 PM   #24
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Re: DD has a "secret mommy"

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And if you aren't doing it yet, start documenting things like this now. The bolded above is evidence of an emotionally abusive statement, and an attempt at alienation of affection. If it's a one-time "boy I really shouldn't have said that" thing, OK. But if it's a pattern, you may have legal recourse.
This. Get a notebook. Start recording the date, what was said, and how it came up. Write down a summary of the conversations you have with your ex about these things as well. Keep/print out any e-mails discussing these subjects. Hopefully, you will never have to use the records, but just in case his behavior continues and it does start to hurt your daughter, you will have a history of what was said.
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Old 06-21-2012, 06:36 AM   #25
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I do keep track of everything and he knows that I do. He just doesn't care. I keep track of visitations, calls, things like this. I have sole custody and he has visitation. He had supervised visitation for almost 3 years? He was finally awarded 1 overnight a week and 1 other visit a week (we chose this option instead of every other weekend...I felt 2 days overnight was too much for her...plus her other siblings go to their moms every weekend and she would never see them, so she usually spends Thursday nights with him). He only takes the overnight visit. He *fought* to get as much visitation as possible, then only takes the one visit a week? So I keep track of it in case he ever tries to take me back to court for every other week. He threatens me sometimes saying "oh I'll get one week with her, then you'll get one week" but I know that'll never happen.

I'm hoping this was only a one-time thing and it won't happen again. I do not want my kid having to deal with his crap. It's not fair to her and he should not be doing this to her.
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Old 06-21-2012, 06:43 AM   #26
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Re: DD has a "secret mommy"

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I was be upset as well. I think what bothers me the most about this is your Ex telling your daughter you would be upset about it & making her feel uncomfortable coming to you with this. He is totally messing with an innocent child.

I would be calm and collected when I talked to the Ex about it. Maybe say something about "You would not believe the story DD was telling today..." Then see what the Ex says about it. This lets him know that YOU know without actually accusing him or his GF of anything.
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Old 06-21-2012, 09:54 AM   #27
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I would be calm and collected when I talked to the Ex about it. Maybe say something about "You would not believe the story DD was telling today..." Then see what the Ex says about it. This lets him know that YOU know without actually accusing him or his GF of anything.
Thank you! That's some good advice and I think that is a better way to approach him. I will definitely try that next time
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Old 07-02-2012, 03:29 PM   #28
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Re: DD has a "secret mommy"

That is unacceptable. I am so sorry this is happening.
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Old 07-02-2012, 04:04 PM   #29
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Re: DD has a "secret mommy"

Hi there, I'm so sorry you are going through this. In my scenario I'm the "new mommy" and it has been difficult for me to know what is right. When I met my step kids they were 6 and 8 years old. Within the first weekend I knew them, they wanted to call me mommy. My husband and I were not even married yet! Of course, it felt so wrong to me and I asked them to just call me by my name. Later I said they can call me Mamma or ma which is slightly different to mommy. I explained that they have a mommy and I will never be the same to them.

I'm telling you this because I think that small children have this instinctive thing to want a mommy and daddy in one house. Even when hubby's x had a boyfriend, my DSD explained to me that he is her daddy while we all knew the relationship wasn't very strong.

Of course, the lies are not okay and you are very right to address that. You are also right to feel upset that she wants to call someone else mommy. I cannot imagine my bio dd calling anyone else mommy.

If this is something that comes from your daughter and she wants to call her mommy, maybe suggest a synonym for mommy that they can use over there?

Also, in my own experience as a kid, I wanted to call my stepdad, Pappa, and for years didn't because I thought I wasn't allowed (my bio dad wasn't around so I could have). It was only after my brother was born (5 years into my mom and dad's relationship) that I called him dad so that my brother won't be confused. Kids are VERY aware of what they can and cannot do and who is who according to their own internal belief system and what is told to them.

So, I'd make sure that you are very clear with your daughter what you want her to do or not do - or rather ask her what she wants and suggest alternatives.
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Old 07-02-2012, 04:04 PM   #30
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Re: DD has a "secret mommy"

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