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Old 06-11-2012, 06:32 PM   #1
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How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

Background: I've been blessed with 4 healthy happy wonderful boys. While dating my hubs it was a huge thing for my potential spouse to be open to as many children as God gave me. So much that anybody I dated (only dated in hopes of them eventually being a spouse...not just for fun...yea totally weird Zi know) I usually scared them away from the very beginning with my spills about a large family. Well DH agreed to as many children as we could have if we could afford them. We also talked about fostering/adopting and how badly I needed to do this when I got "older"... He was fine with it. Now that we are married of course everything he said kind of went out the door, he was fine with 2...and eventually came around to 3 (in which he promised to have 4 total). Well when it got around time to try for 4, he didn't want to and wanted me to promise I wouldn't talk about anymore kids if he tried for #4. I did, but told him my desires for children would never disappear on it's own.

Fast forward to now. Our youngest is almost 14mo. And I'm
Still breastfeeding and we haven't used any protection (we actually never have) and I had such high hopes that I would get pregnant while nursing or atleast that him saying he was adamantly against more kids but still not preventing was a glimpse of hope for me. I had thought that if I was patient and didn't mention wanting kids basically the second I gave birth (which Is have in the past and our kids are close in age) that he would come around. I dont no whats wrong with me, I've cried since Sheldon was born probably every week mourning the loss of future children BUT I've not burdened him with it although somedays I feel like I'm so depressed that I don't want to do anything but sit and cry.

Recently I asked him about fostering or adopting snap kids and he was very against it. I felt crushed. I feel cheated out of children that I MADE a huge deal out of and all potential spouses knew it was a deal breaker for me. I'm angry at him and I'm sad. Well today I went in for my annual and got an u/s done because I've been bleeding for the past 56 days. Well lining is really thick and im not ovulating (duh, I would be pregnant by now if I was) and doc put me on the mini pill (no estrogen) to thin out lining so I can stop bleeding everyday. I'm completely against bc and have never been on it and never was planning on being on it; but I want to stop bleeding. Well naturally I'm really really really upset to be going on BC...like devastated. So I talked to hubs about it finally tonight (since I was trying to patient this whole time and not push the subject and had built up this false sense of hope that he was actually gonna want more since we haven't prevented this whole 13mo.). Both about how angry, sad, ect. I feel about this stupid bleeding and bc and how I had thought with time he would change his mind and that's why I hadn't brought it up all these months. He just said it's never gonna happen, me being on bc is great, time won't change anything, he's never going to want to adopt/foster, and I just need to get over having kids.

What do I do now? I no I'm really emotional. I know I should just be thankful for what I have. I know people have way bigger problems than this...and my issue is so small compared to others struggles. I know all these things. I've been praying since I was in the hospital having #4 for God to either change hubs heart or change mine and help my heart not hurt so bad. Neitherhave happened yet and I don't know what to do. My heart hurts so bad and I feel like I'm just drowning in sadness. (this discussion happened today and it's bursting my "bubble of hope" indefinitely). Everyone knows I love my kids, love being a momma and are always talking about having more. It's always who I've been and always what I pictured to do with my life. I was extremely sad when we didn't get pregnant with #4 as quickly as I wanted. I know the spacing of kids shouldn't be a big deal but I love my kids close in age and I've done so good to wait this long without crying to hubs about it (this us my longest spacing.)

I just don't no what to do really. I don't no how to get over this. Just keep praying? But in the meantime, how can I stop feeling so depressed? How can I go through the day without crying about nit having anymore children? Please don't be mean either...I know I'm overly depressed, I just can't shake it. My whole life I dreamed of my family, and I took every step to ensure I was marrying someone that was open to that...

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Old 06-11-2012, 06:43 PM   #2
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

Have him read your post and also maybe some counseling. He needs to REALLY know how you feel and really HEAR what you are saying. I think it is really crappy for him to say one thing before marriage and then completely change without a really good reason since you made a big deal out of it.
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Old 06-11-2012, 07:07 PM   #3
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

sounds like me and my hubby! Except we gave 3... 10yr old, 7 yr old and my sweet 2 month old! When I was in the hospital with #2, I said let go ahead and have another asap... He laughed and said no! Then I got the mirena, and he promised that once it wad due to come out we could! Well 5 yrs later, it took some serious convincing! Got pregnant and at 14 weeks miscarried! I was devastated, that was a first and I know it was all thanks to the mirena, well we waited 6 months...just to make sure my lining was healthy! And got pregnant with #3! Around 8 months into it DH said he was going to get a vasectomy, I was furious! And he would say I'm serious, I'm not having any more!! I kept explaining that we HAVE to so #3 can have someone closer to her age... He refused!

Well once#3 was born he snuck a consult , I found out about 3 hrs before, from a missed call on his phone, I called it back and it was the doctors office! I almost dropped the phone! I begged him not to go, and he told me that if I didn't mention having any more kids he wouldn't go !!

well 4 weeks post partum he couldn't wait.. And he has no made any effort to use protection since day 1! I am EBF our LO, who is now 9 weeks old! I want another so bad, I just pray! I have even over heard him say, talking to our LO.." I would have lots more babies if I could afford them!". Afford them, afford them? Since when is life so perfect that you can actually 'afford' them! To me if God blesses us with another He will provide!

My advice to you is... Do not stress! Keep your mind occupied with other things, because stress will put a huge damper on getting pregnant anyway, and if your hubby was 100% against having any more babies he would be doing whatever it took to prevent it! That's what I tell myself
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Old 06-11-2012, 07:07 PM   #4
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

sounds like me and my hubby! Except we gave 3... 10yr old, 7 yr old and my sweet 2 month old! When I was in the hospital with #2, I said let go ahead and have another asap... He laughed and said no! Then I got the mirena, and he promised that once it wad due to come out we could! Well 5 yrs later, it took some serious convincing! Got pregnant and at 14 weeks miscarried! I was devastated, that was a first and I know it was all thanks to the mirena, well we waited 6 months...just to make sure my lining was healthy! And got pregnant with #3! Around 8 months into it DH said he was going to get a vasectomy, I was furious! And he would say I'm serious, I'm not having any more!! I kept explaining that we HAVE to so #3 can have someone closer to her age... He refused!

Well once#3 was born he snuck a consult , I found out about 3 hrs before, from a missed call on his phone, I called it back and it was the doctors office! I almost dropped the phone! I begged him not to go, and he told me that if I didn't mention having any more kids he wouldn't go !!

well 4 weeks post partum he couldn't wait.. And he has no made any effort to use protection since day 1! I am EBF our LO, who is now 9 weeks old! I want another so bad, I just pray! I have even over heard him say, talking to our LO.." I would have lots more babies if I could afford them!". Afford them, afford them? Since when is life so perfect that you can actually 'afford' them! To me if God blesses us with another He will provide!

My advice to you is... Do not stress! Keep your mind occupied with other things, because stress will put a huge damper on getting pregnant anyway, and if your hubby was 100% against having any more babies he would be doing whatever it took to prevent it! That's what I tell myself
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Old 06-11-2012, 07:28 PM   #5
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fashionably Green Baby View Post
Have him read your post and also maybe some counseling. He needs to REALLY know how you feel and really HEAR what you are saying. I think it is really crappy for him to say one thing before marriage and then completely change without a really good reason since you made a big deal out of it.
I've said exactly what I've posted here. His reasoning is kids just stress him out, he just doesn't want anymore. Financially we can afford more, heck we are debt free, and getting ready to build a 4000sq.ft house (which I'm
The contractor and he doesn't have to do anything but keep his 8-5 job to pay the bills )...I just don't get it. I mean, I do get it. I get that he said Whatever I wanted to hear when we dated bc we were so in love and he would want ne to have everything my heart desires (you no how it is) and I was hisonly girlfriend and he was 20...so I get he didn't want to lose me either. I get it. I get kids aren't "his" thing. He lacks patience and spends majority of his time at his public job and then farming. I hate being selfish and thinking this way. As badly as I want lots more children, I also want to not want them so I can be happy and so we can be on the same page. And honestly I think me being very open to fostering, adopting (any age under 12 including sibling sets), or bio kids is kind of me trying to accommodate his feelings.
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Old 06-11-2012, 07:38 PM   #6
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

Kayla- wow! I can't believe he made an appt. Behind your back. I would be heartbroken and angry at the same time. My hubs keeps talking about the V...that's the only thing that could shut me up about bio kids...but I would still talk about non bio kids. That's the point...I've been thinking that way (he would prevent if he truly didn't want more) this whole time to myself and building up all this false hope and he knows the way my body reacts to nursing and knows I won't get pregnant while nursing or right after weaning...he knows that, and I do too. So now that it's all out in the air, my hope that has been building for 13mo. Is destroyed. I feel so angry and resentful. NOT open to as many children as I could have WAS a deal breaker. I never would have married anyone that said 4 was their limit or 6 or 8. I have no limit and was going to marry someone that truly knew that and was supportive. Obviously I don't believe in divorce so it's not a deal breaker in my "marriage" but gohlee it makes me resentful and feel tricked. And I hate to feel that way bc PLp do change and although I knew I was certain that my mind was made up about the children issue and wouldn't change with the stress of parenting, maybe he truly "thought" he could be supportive and as more children came he realized he couldn't.
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Old 06-11-2012, 07:52 PM   #7
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

And I no this is all from a fresh discussion but I no my hubs and his feelings will never change. Even if it did "accidentally" happen while nursing and on bc...I would still be in this sane situation with wanting #6. I dream about my next pregnancy while I'm still pregnant with a child. I love being pregnant, love my newborns and nursing, love my toddlers and older children. I love all of the stages. So it's not like my "addiction" is just the baby part or pregnancy part...it's the whole package. I feel like I'm an alcoholic but my drink is children. We've spoke with a councelor when trying for #4 and he just told ne I gotta stop wanting more kids, the end. It didn't help me lose my desires ir change my mind.
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Old 06-11-2012, 08:20 PM   #8
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

I could have written this post a year or two ago. Except we were talking about #4. It was seriously starting to affect our relationship, we argued and discusses for months with no resolution at all. I hated it. I finally felt God speak to me and tell me to shut up and stop the nagging. So I did. It was very hard. We had agreed to prevent, but that dh wouldn't get the V until I was ready. I can't take any hormonal bc, so it was just barrier methods at that point. I spent a LOT of time praying about the issue.

I just want to share what God spoke to me during that time. I hope it will help someone else too I felt like God just kept asking me if I truly trusted Him. Because if I did, then that meant I trusted Him with the total number of our family no matter what. Even if dh did have the V did I really think that was too big of an obstacle for him to overcome? If we were meant to have another child, He would take care of the details. Not me. That was a really really tough idea to actually wrap my mind around, AND then put into practice.

Also I had to trust that God put my dh in my life for a reason. And that he is the leader of my house, not me. Really I've found in our marriage that anytime I go out from under his leadership, things never go as well anyway. His leadership is blessed in our marriage (just like God says it will be), and I have to respect that fact too (even when and maybe especially when I don't agree).

Some practical things that I did were to stop focusing on the newborn things. I stopped coming on DS ( I just couldn't handle it). And I focused a lot on the things I could do as a mom for my older kids. We started home schooling, which is keeping me really super busy. And I LOVE it. I also told my dh that for this to work, I was going to have to spend time enjoying being a woman, and the freedom that entailed. So I started focusing on getting in shape, eating right, going out a little more with my girl friends, and pursuing the photography business I had been putting on the back burner for years. And just generally enjoying the freedom that not having a little one can bring.

In the end I was literally days away from being totally at peace and telling my dh to get the vasectomy, when I found out I was VERY surpprisingly pregnant. I was literally shocked as we were extremely careful with our bc habits. He is our little miracle baby! Until him I had NEVER had back to back successfull pregnancies.

All of that to say you have to trust God about it FULLY. Nothing is too big for Him
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Old 06-11-2012, 09:04 PM   #9
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

I'm not much help but I can talk about changing your mind. My DH was always very clear that he only wanted 2 kids. He is an only child. I came from a family with only 2 kids. My grandparents only had 2 kids. So when he said the most he wanted was 2, I said sure that is fine. I didn't think it would bother me. I have always know I wanted to be a mother and I love being one, but I truly thought 2 kids would be good for me. Well, my baby is 2 and I have been aching for one more. I don't know if I will get it, and DH is a little upset with me for going back on what I said, but really how could I have known? I hadn't even had s3x before we got married much less have known about what being a mom would do to me.

My only advice is to continue to have open communication with your DH. My DH and I are talking a little more about it. He still doesn't want anymore, but he also has respected my wishes not to get the big V. We all start somewhere.
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Old 06-11-2012, 09:07 PM   #10
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

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Originally Posted by mamaratliff View Post
I could have written this post a year or two ago. Except we were talking about #4. It was seriously starting to affect our relationship, we argued and discusses for months with no resolution at all. I hated it. I finally felt God speak to me and tell me to shut up and stop the nagging. So I did. It was very hard. We had agreed to prevent, but that dh wouldn't get the V until I was ready. I can't take any hormonal bc, so it was just barrier methods at that point. I spent a LOT of time praying about the issue.

I just want to share what God spoke to me during that time. I hope it will help someone else too I felt like God just kept asking me if I truly trusted Him. Because if I did, then that meant I trusted Him with the total number of our family no matter what. Even if dh did have the V did I really think that was too big of an obstacle for him to overcome? If we were meant to have another child, He would take care of the details. Not me. That was a really really tough idea to actually wrap my mind around, AND then put into practice.

Also I had to trust that God put my dh in my life for a reason. And that he is the leader of my house, not me. Really I've found in our marriage that anytime I go out from under his leadership, things never go as well anyway. His leadership is blessed in our marriage (just like God says it will be), and I have to respect that fact too (even when and maybe especially when I don't agree).

Some practical things that I did were to stop focusing on the newborn things. I stopped coming on DS ( I just couldn't handle it). And I focused a lot on the things I could do as a mom for my older kids. We started home schooling, which is keeping me really super busy. And I LOVE it. I also told my dh that for this to work, I was going to have to spend time enjoying being a woman, and the freedom that entailed. So I started focusing on getting in shape, eating right, going out a little more with my girl friends, and pursuing the photography business I had been putting on the back burner for years. And just generally enjoying the freedom that not having a little one can bring.

In the end I was literally days away from being totally at peace and telling my dh to get the vasectomy, when I found out I was VERY surpprisingly pregnant. I was literally shocked as we were extremely careful with our bc habits. He is our little miracle baby! Until him I had NEVER had back to back successfull pregnancies.

All of that to say you have to trust God about it FULLY. Nothing is too big for Him
I have also started doing the above and it is helping me. The getting in shape and becoming a woman thing again is really starting to take the edge off for me.
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