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Old 06-11-2012, 09:19 PM   #11
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

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I could have written this post a year or two ago. Except we were talking about #4. It was seriously starting to affect our relationship, we argued and discusses for months with no resolution at all. I hated it. I finally felt God speak to me and tell me to shut up and stop the nagging. So I did. It was very hard. We had agreed to prevent, but that dh wouldn't get the V until I was ready. I can't take any hormonal bc, so it was just barrier methods at that point. I spent a LOT of time praying about the issue.

I just want to share what God spoke to me during that time. I hope it will help someone else too I felt like God just kept asking me if I truly trusted Him. Because if I did, then that meant I trusted Him with the total number of our family no matter what. Even if dh did have the V did I really think that was too big of an obstacle for him to overcome? If we were meant to have another child, He would take care of the details. Not me. That was a really really tough idea to actually wrap my mind around, AND then put into practice.

Also I had to trust that God put my dh in my life for a reason. And that he is the leader of my house, not me. Really I've found in our marriage that anytime I go out from under his leadership, things never go as well anyway. His leadership is blessed in our marriage (just like God says it will be), and I have to respect that fact too (even when and maybe especially when I don't agree).

Some practical things that I did were to stop focusing on the newborn things. I stopped coming on DS ( I just couldn't handle it). And I focused a lot on the things I could do as a mom for my older kids. We started home schooling, which is keeping me really super busy. And I LOVE it. I also told my dh that for this to work, I was going to have to spend time enjoying being a woman, and the freedom that entailed. So I started focusing on getting in shape, eating right, going out a little more with my girl friends, and pursuing the photography business I had been putting on the back burner for years. And just generally enjoying the freedom that not having a little one can bring.

In the end I was literally days away from being totally at peace and telling my dh to get the vasectomy, when I found out I was VERY surpprisingly pregnant. I was literally shocked as we were extremely careful with our bc habits. He is our little miracle baby! Until him I had NEVER had back to back successfull pregnancies.

All of that to say you have to trust God about it FULLY. Nothing is too big for Him
This is great advice. It's hard to submit to your husband when your desire for kids are so strong however if you ddont it will only lead to bitterness in your marriage like you said. Instead submit to dh even in this and trust God to either change his heart or yours. Spend your time serving and loving your husband as unto the Lord and you will have done your part.

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Old 06-11-2012, 09:43 PM   #12
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

Trusting God is soooooooo hard because you feel that if you trust him, you have to be prepared to get what you don't want....and it is hard to get to that point.

I definitely sympathize with you just in general because I know how it is to feel almost betrayed by your husband even though he is a good person and father. Things change and people's feelings change....or sometimes they don't. Obviously your's hasn't.

There is not a lot of advice I can offer. I would definitely try another counselor!!! Wow, that last one sure wasn't helpful. Also, I would find ways to try to relax and not think about it even if you haven't given up the thought of another child. To have it always on the forefront of your mind will really weigh you down. It takes away from the kids' you do have and that is hard to once you realize that. I have experienced that as well.

I pray for an answer for you and the peace that will bring.
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Old 06-11-2012, 11:24 PM   #13
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

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And I no this is all from a fresh discussion but I no my hubs and his feelings will never change. Even if it did "accidentally" happen while nursing and on bc...I would still be in this sane situation with wanting #6. I dream about my next pregnancy while I'm still pregnant with a child. I love being pregnant, love my newborns and nursing, love my toddlers and older children. I love all of the stages. So it's not like my "addiction" is just the baby part or pregnancy part...it's the whole package. I feel like I'm an alcoholic but my drink is children. We've spoke with a councelor when trying for #4 and he just told ne I gotta stop wanting more kids, the end. It didn't help me lose my desires ir change my mind.
Mama, I have no advice, but am here to sympathize with you in my own way. My DH is open to as many children as I want, so I can't relate to that aspect. He is pretty "hands-off" when it comes to our kids anyway. They are my responsibility as a SAHM, and he just gets to partake in the "fun" parts of being a parent. However, I ALWAYS thought I would be done after two. Well, #2 is now 6 weeks old and I am obsessed with how amazing his pregnancy and birth was (I had a c-section w/#1 but LOVED being preggo with her too). I feel like my addiction is pregnancy/birth. The problem is, I am not a fan of the newborn stage. Like, at all. I am not even really sure I actually want another child...which is probably horrible for me to admit out loud, but I am trying to be honest. I seriously just have this sick desire to be pregnant and give birth again. I'd be a surrogate in a heartbeat, but I have a uterine malformation, so that isn't even in the realm of possibility for me. So even if down the road I don't really want a third child but go ahead and do it for the sake of being pregnant/give birth again, I am extremely scared that I would end up in this same dark hole of obsession for pregnancy/birth anyway after the fact.

I did the whole counselor thing since I thought I was losing my mind and on the verge of PPD, but didn't want to resort to Zoloft just yet. I had a HORRIBLE experience. She told me to "get out of my head" and stop thinking about missing pregnancy so much. (Obviously I would if it was that easy, Ms. Master Degree in Counseling.) I found talking to a good girlfriend, who related me and had similar feelings after she gave birth, was much more helpful. I was never suppose to be able to have a vaginal birth, so I know some of my obsession is being driven by the fact that I was able to have a VBAC and therefore I got a huge "high" from it. A vaginal birth was never suppose to be my "normal." I still would like to find a counselor that I could connect with since I know I have issues, but haven't had the time with a newborn.

Deep down, I know my problem is contentment in what the Lord has already blessed me with. I can admit I am a bit more of a negative nelly and tend to have a "grass is always greener" view. I also am a control freak, and have a hard time realizing that I am ultimately not in control anyway. So these issues are what is causing the tormenting obsession to what I can't have right now - pregnancy & birth.

So...not that my reply was probably helpful to you at all. But just know that there are others struggling with similar feelings as well. I seriously wouldn't mind being a sounding board for you if you want to keep chatting about your feelings. I know it helps me a ton to let it all out to a friend, even though I know talking about it won't change the fact that I am not pregnant or anticipating a birth. We could help each other.
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Old 06-12-2012, 06:57 AM   #14
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

Nicole- Thanks for taking time to write that. I know that's what I need to do. I have prayed those same prayers and even ask God how can I give this to you? How can I forget about this? And I really do try, I dive into about a billion and 1 things with other kids and are so busy but then in the quietness of naps or bedtime I go back. My husbands not a Christian nor a hands on parent. I raise kids solely on my own with very little help from him (he is gone usually all day unless it rains) so THAT is a huge thing that makes me bitter. He's only here like 15hrs (kids awake) out of the whole week and Kids stress him out just that short time is ridiculous, so how does he get to make the calls when I take care of the kids. I'm very dominate in general and my hubs is very submissive and insecure (not on this issue) and can't even make a phone call about anything related to appt, bills, his truck, ect. He doesn't no how to write checks, won't pick up/drop off anything to just 1 person bc he gets so insecure if he actually has to tall to them, won't go do anything socially with us, ect. He has always been like that and just feels comfortable farming (he grew up ONLY knowing farming, not what a family was, how to love, how to socialize with people while doing something "fun"... So that leaves every single thing in our life my responsibility...except the working part. Literally that's all he has to do and nothing more. I'm not complaining at all, just giving the background to be able to say I have a hard time following him when I run every aspect of our lives because he is too uncomfortable to. He will not watch kiddos while I do something regularly for me, and I don't have anyone else that watches my kids except his mom...but she is always too busy farming. I've tried to focus my energy on working out but he got too annoyedthat I wanted to run everyday for 30min. Because he wanted to go to farm. I've tried just concentrating on my friends with kids but hubs doesn't like if he comes home and a friend and her kids are here (which I don't know when/if he's coming home so it makes it hard to plan friend coming over in just the time he's gone). I'm just rambling but I really am just lost and dint have the opportunity to do things for myself. I think he thinks since he goes to his 8-5 job everyday that when he gets off it's his time to do what he wants and is a little angered if I take that time away from him to do something for me when I'm am not the one that has to go to "work" everyday. What can I pray about? Pray to submit to hubs even though he isn't a Christian? Any advice is welcome
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Old 06-12-2012, 06:59 AM   #15
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

Jamie- yea I know it's fair to have a change of heart so I hate that I still think about his promises when we dated. He just changed his mind, and I'm sure I've changed mine along the way to about things. I'm
Glad yours isn't getting a V and hope he comes around.
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Old 06-12-2012, 07:03 AM   #16
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

Erin- it's so hard though! I have feelings I shouldn't have like - he isn't a Christian so he doesn't deserve to be the leader- or - he doesn't even want to be the leader over 90% of what goes on in our lives and puts that burden on me even though I don't want it, so he definitely shouldn't get to be the leader over this 1 thing just bc he wants to-.....I'm so backwards and DON'T know how to submit to him and the Lord.
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Old 06-12-2012, 07:06 AM   #17
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

JacQuelling- Yes it is hard. I am going to look for another councelor today and hopefully find one. The one I tried was our church councelor and is very blunt and to the point. He was right I just need to forget about more kids but I need help doing that. Thanks for the prayers!
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Old 06-12-2012, 07:26 AM   #18
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

I can totally relate. My DH promised me 4 lo's. We have two now and were planning ttc this summer but he has completely changed his mind. He says he is done and doesn't want to discuss it. I am heartbroken and am just trying to hold myself together.

I try to find other things to occupy myself and try to enjoy my time that I have while my lo's are still small. I know it is so hard to accept, and frustrating as heck! But, I try to look at it as my kids need both parents so I am not going to ruin my marriage and completely alter my kids lives for the sake of myself.

I am selfish, not doubt about it, and I still have a lot of trouble dealing with his decision. Every time I catch myself jumping on that train of thought I try to find something else to do. Usually something with my kids because it reminds me of what I have to be grateful for. If I start I have a hard time making myself stop and I think I could drive him crazy with my nagging rants! I am now trying to plan some fun trips and outings for next summer that we would not be able to do if we did have an itty bitty one and that has been a lot of fun too!

momma! I hope over time you can find some peace with your situation.
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Old 06-12-2012, 08:21 AM   #19
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

Your situation really touched my heart Lexy and I asked my husband what he thought. We're in a similar situation in that I do ALL of the parenting as he works in construction with crazy hours. Even when he's home he sometimes zones out and isn't really present with the girls. He will watch them if I need to do something but it's just not in his nature to be zeroed in on them. He does love them more than anything, just isn't really a fan of the wee one stage and he has his own issues with depression that sometimes keep him away from us. He put it to me like this, he knows that the children are 100 % his responsibility to provide for. What would he do if something happened to me? He'd be left to raise them on his own. So if the kids stress him out now, another would be even more stressful. Your DH could not have possibly known how having children would have affected him mentally, physically, emotionally etc. He could take more care to be understanding of your feelings, but I just don't think you can blame him too much. You have to ask yourself too, do you really want to bring another child into that situation? A situation where you are not valued enough as a woman to have your own time once in a while? Where their father is so distant? That helped me get through as I realized I couldn't possibly want another baby if DH just wasn't going to really be there for us in every way. I deserve for him to be overjoyed with a positive test and not just a "grin and bear it" type of response.

Nicole put it brilliantly though! I harbored a lot of ill feelings toward DH for not wanting another baby and when I finally let go, he came around without me saying a word. I absolutely love being pregnant/newborn/toddlers..everything so it was gutwrenching to me to think that he was done. He would joke about "no more kids ever!" in front of friends and it hurt me so much. But I just had to pray for God to let his will be done. If we were to have more, it would take Him changing DH's heart or changing mine to be happy with what we have. All the best to you.
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Old 06-12-2012, 08:27 AM   #20
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Re: How will I Ever stop wanting more children?

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Erin- it's so hard though! I have feelings I shouldn't have like - he isn't a Christian so he doesn't deserve to be the leader- or - he doesn't even want to be the leader over 90% of what goes on in our lives and puts that burden on me even though I don't want it, so he definitely shouldn't get to be the leader over this 1 thing just bc he wants to-.....I'm so backwards and DON'T know how to submit to him and the Lord.
Oh mama- I can only imagine how incredibly hard it must be! I grew up in a very similar situation (non Christian father but my mom believes). My heart goes out to you Here are just some ponderings to fill your heart and mind with (highlights are my own). Some I've learned the hard way (as in child obeying her parents even when it seemed crazy to me) and with my own husband who is FAR from perfect.

"Wives submit to your husbands as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body of which he is the Savior Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Eph 5:22

When we submit to our husbands we are NOT doing it for them but as unto the Lord. This makes it somewhat easier for me as least cause I know how much Christ gave for me. I know I owe Him all. My husband is so far from perfect (as am I) that doing it specifically for him makes it well really hard! But if I focus on WHY I'm submitting- it's because it is an act of love to God, then I can do it. And the "in everything" means well everything (with the exception of breaking God's law and the laws of the land- see Acts 5:29)

"Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment... instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit." 1 Peter 3:1-4

This is our goal as wives- to focus on the beauty of our own hearts in Christ. I challenge you- memorize God's word. Hide it in your heart. Hold it like a rope with things get tough. Surround yourself with God's promises. In this world, we can not trust ANYTHING. Not our husbands, not ourselves even ("The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9). The only thing we can trust is the pure Word of God.

"The wife's body is not her own but also her husbands. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also the wife." 1 Cor 7:4 (unfortunely with a non believing husband all you can do is focus on obey this command yourself and pray he becomes a believer so he CAN obey this command too. Because without Christ, it is impossible to obey the Lord. Keep reading in 1 Cor chapter 7 and it talks a lot about unbelievers married to believers and what is required, etc.

This is the way I chose to see it- your husband needs Christ before he can do anything else. He can not love because he knows not true love/ God (1 John 4:8 "Whoever does not love does not know God because God is love." So you can say- if he doesn't know God, he doesn't know love.) First he needs to have his sins washed away and be made a new creation. This is something you can't give him. You can only SHOW him through your actions and daily life. How? By being a submissive wife.

Submission that God wants is not a "ugh I guess I HAVE TO " type attitude. It is yielding to another's desires without resistance. Submission to another's wishes is an attitude of the heart done willingly. Christ is our example. He is God, 100% equal with the Father, from everlasting to everlasting. HOWEVER, He submitted to the Father. Does that make Christ less God then the Father? No. You and your husband are EQUAL heirs of grace. But in position, you are submit to your husband.

I know its hard. It's NOT an easy road to travel to be married to an unbeliever. Your life will be full of obstacles. But HOLD FAST to God's word. Trust Him to work it all out. Even if we don't see the fruit this side of heaven. Your reward will be amazing when you reach the real master's side.

Many and prayers to you. May God's peace surround you.
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