Affairs (Physical and emotional)

[Nimyue]

Originally Posted by mebl0901 However, you are NOT the bad guy in this. You shouldn't for one second make yourself think that you are. He is the one who started all of this so everything that transpires thereafter is because of his choices. If you feel that you want out, it's not because you are doing anything wrong - it's because of things that HE did wrong. I hate to think that anyone would beat themselves up over the other spouse cheating, kwim? Even if he doesn't choose to work things out, I think you should see a professional to work out your feelings. You and your children deserve the best.

this!

[Iliana]

Been there done that mama. It is horrible and difficult but it is doable. I was so depressed and angry, I was becoming an angry mom. Now that I am on my own (and found a new partner) I am happier and I have become a better mom. *hugs*

[BeccaSueCongdon]

Do you have any friends who live in your state who've been trough a divorce? Who could recommend a good divorce attorney? Sitting down to discuss exactly what goes into a divorce proceeding and what responsibilities your husband has to you (alimony, child support, etc) might impact your decision. Tree are definitely the emotional and moral/spiritual aspects to consider, but also the practical aspects. Each state has their own laws. He may owe more money for alimony based on you being a SAHM, number of years you were married, how much assets you have, the affairs.
If you have proof of the affairs then get it together. After you meet with the divorce attorney you'll have a better idea what your heart really wants.

Then tell him you're going to attend marriage counseling and that if he'd like to stay married he needs to attend with you. Give him a few months to come around and yourself a few months with individual counseling to see how you feel then.

[BeccaSueCongdon]

When you talk to him about marriage counseling, you can try to be matter of fact and just explain that marriage is supposed to happy for both parties, but you have to work at it. If he doesn't want to work at it with you then just be honest about it.

[MaryInPinedale]

Originally Posted by TaraB ask him to attend counseling for the purpose of strengthening/saving your marriage. Personally I would do everything in my power to fight for the marriage and I would pray for DH's heart to soften and to have a desire to address the situation. However, everyone has free will and you cant force someone to fight for their marriage (ie your dh). If he choses to leave try to work on the healthiest divorce for the kids.

I totally agree with this. You want to know you gave it every shot you could before throwing in the towel. Good luck, I hope he comes around.

[cokelush]

I don't know if this would be something you'd want to think about but... I read this story once about someone in a similar situation - hubs wasn't into the marriage any more, wife wanted to keep her family intact. The basics of the story was that she let her dh go. I can't recall if he actually moved out but I think he did. He went and did his thing, came and went {he wasn't allowed to take advantage of the coming and going... had to give her notice, be respectful, ect}, saw the kids when he wanted to. In the meantime she prayed for him and went about her life. I'm assuming he kept paying for the house and whatnot...
Eventually {I think it was like 6mo or so} he decided that the grass wasn't really greener elsewhere, that he was tired of the dating scene, and that he loved his wife and missed his kids - and started courting her again and they saved their marriage. It was a great story. I'm sure it may not work for everyone, and some straying partners may decide the proverbial grass is indeed greener on the other side but... you'd have to search your heart and see if it's worth a shot. I'm sure it's not easy by any stretch of the imagination. I just remember reading some of the comments and many many ppl were wishing that they had done this, given their partner a time out or whatever, before divorcing; they were saying it very well might have saved their family.
Hugs.

[rohirette]

I don't exactly understand where you are coming from. Tolerating multiple affairs, whatever the rationale, is beyond me so I feel that I may not be able to offer useful advice.

Where I can offer input is to ask if you are a SAHM because you want to be, or because you can't make enough money after daycare to justify working? Do you have a degree?

It sounds like you need a career. Not just to provide an income, but just as much to give you some perspective on your own value and what else there is in the world, and give something else to focus on.

[Lolobug]

Hugs mama! This is my take, take what helps, leave the rest!
I am a huge advocate for working on marriage. I think people give in too easily sometimes and walk away. Marriage requires commitment, understanding and forgiveness. Counseling is an invaluable resource!!
However, with that being said, I believe it is worth fighting tooth and nail for when both parties are committed to it. I also believe that for marriage to work you need trust. Period. No one is perfect but marriage requires a commitment to each other. If you do not have trust and honesty, I don't know how you can make it work.
I would VERY strongly encourage you to attend counseling, not only for your kids but for yourself! I don't think you deserved this nor asked for it in anyway, but I think you need to address issues with why you would consider infidelity acceptable. It's not. You don't deserve a part-time partner. Hang in there, you have a beautiful life in store

[megenic]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I went through this 6 years ago. My situation was different though in that we didn't have kids at the time and DH was hugely remorseful and worked his butt off to fix things. He arranged counseling and slowly over a couple of years built trust back. Now I can honestly say our marriage is better than it was before the affair. But it took a lot of work and if he hadn't been willing to put the work in I doubt I would have stayed.

It's a hard decision for you but I truly believe that if he has checked out and you stay, your resentment and unhappiness will just continue to build, and that will affect your own health and your kids. Only you know the answer. It listen to your gut.

[BeccaSueCongdon]

Was just thinking about you and wondering if you feel like sharing any updates?