oops double post

[raisingcropsandbabies]

As a former 11 year old girl:

11 yrs. old... that's 5th grade, right? That can be a boy crazy age for some girls (it was for me... strictly crushes, no touchy business). I had a crush on every single one of my older brother's friends, but one in particular. I would call him to ask him what his favorite colors, etc, are. After a complaint from my brother to my mom, my mom quickly put a stop to the phone calls.

I have to disagree with a PP about the issue being because of fathers. I have the most amazing dad in the whole world, and I was still boy crazy at that age. Personally, it was all very innocent; but I did know some girls the next year who started having their first kisses and being "boyfriend/girlfriend". So keep a watchful eye on this... I'm 27 yrs. old and so this was all a bit of time ago and things may have changed!!!

No advice for you, other than it can be pretty normal for girls to be like this... He is at the age though, when I wouldn't let your son and a girl be unsupervised.

[mcpforever]

I am remembering back to when *I* was a girl and thinking that I did the exact same type stuff (but I only had access to a landline phone back in the stone age) except it was with girls, because I preferred to be persued by the boys. My mother had to set boundaries with me then as well. I can't tell you how many times she picked up another extension in the house at 9pm to tell me that it was time for me to get off the phone.

She also went through my paper folded notes on occasion. If I had had a phone or email, she'd have gone through that instead, but back in the stone age, we had to use pencils.

Soooo, I'd lay down some basic framework rules concerning the use of electronics. I'd pick a cut off time and have them all turned in to me at that time. He can communicate those rules with his friends the same way I had to tell my friends, "I can't talk on the phone after 9, so don't call or expect me to call you." I'd disable the networking functions on the ipod, because he has other outlets for those. I'm really not sure I understand why they are enabled in the first place. It seems to me that limiting the access will help a lot. He still has to learn to tell them he doesn't feel (and can't) the need to talk to them 24/7 or that he doesn't like them in that way, but he at least has some consistent breaks and boundaries.

And for heaven's sake teach him to never be in a room with a girl with a closed door! For everyone's peace of mind.

I have a feeling that this little guy is very approachable and non-threatening to girls and that is why he is getting all this attention. I remember being drawn to those kinds of boys when I was that age.

[Psychomom]

Originally Posted by jamieism I can see why it would be irritating to have anybody calling your kid multiple times a day, but I also think that these girls - like most kids - are still learning social graces. Responses here seem awfully judgmental in oddly gendered ways. They seem to suggest that the problem isn't kids that are calling but that GIRLS are being socially proactive, pursuing, rather than pursued. I take issue with that. Clearly the girls need lessons in understanding social cues, but it's possible your DS may also need help in giving social cues that accurately reflect his interest. The whole "desperate for attention" judgment is creepy IMO. And playing vampire? Well first, DS was clearly participating, so it was either an innocent game - vampires do suck necks - and the response to it MADE it sexual, or there was an element of sexual exploration that was mutual. I don't see where the girl, specifically, is the problem and find it disturbing that others here do. These kinds of gendered judgment patterns (seeing and judging girls differently because they are girls) are what reinforces gender inequality and the over sexualization (as object, not actor) of girls and women. if they were boys, people might deplore their lack of social graces, but wouldn't be calling them "desperate for attention." if the genders were reversed, and it were boys calling a girl, no one would be calling the boys desperate for attention. This whole thread creeps me out.

Bravo. Great post.

Originally Posted by raisingcropsandbabies As a former 11 year old girl: 11 yrs. old... that's 5th grade, right? That can be a boy crazy age for some girls (it was for me... strictly crushes, no touchy business). I had a crush on every single one of my older brother's friends, but one in particular. I would call him to ask him what his favorite colors, etc, are. After a complaint from my brother to my mom, my mom quickly put a stop to the phone calls. I have to disagree with a PP about the issue being because of fathers. I have the most amazing dad in the whole world, and I was still boy crazy at that age. Personally, it was all very innocent; but I did know some girls the next year who started having their first kisses and being "boyfriend/girlfriend". So keep a watchful eye on this... I'm 27 yrs. old and so this was all a bit of time ago and things may have changed!!! No advice for you, other than it can be pretty normal for girls to be like this... He is at the age though, when I wouldn't let your son and a girl be unsupervised.

Agree.

Originally Posted by mcpforever I am remembering back to when *I* was a girl and thinking that I did the exact same type stuff (but I only had access to a landline phone back in the stone age) except it was with girls, because I preferred to be persued by the boys. My mother had to set boundaries with me then as well. I can't tell you how many times she picked up another extension in the house at 9pm to tell me that it was time for me to get off the phone. She also went through my paper folded notes on occasion. If I had had a phone or email, she'd have gone through that instead, but back in the stone age, we had to use pencils. Soooo, I'd lay down some basic framework rules concerning the use of electronics. I'd pick a cut off time and have them all turned in to me at that time. He can communicate those rules with his friends the same way I had to tell my friends, "I can't talk on the phone after 9, so don't call or expect me to call you." I'd disable the networking functions on the ipod, because he has other outlets for those. I'm really not sure I understand why they are enabled in the first place. It seems to me that limiting the access will help a lot. He still has to learn to tell them he doesn't feel (and can't) the need to talk to them 24/7 or that he doesn't like them in that way, but he at least has some consistent breaks and boundaries. And for heaven's sake teach him to never be in a room with a girl with a closed door! For everyone's peace of mind. I have a feeling that this little guy is very approachable and non-threatening to girls and that is why he is getting all this attention. I remember being drawn to those kinds of boys when I was that age.

Another good post!

[mel j]

I have to say I don't think it's all the girls, either. With the vampire thing, he was participating, right? Although I have to say it would bother me just as much if it was guys doing the calling and "pursuing"... especially at that age. But it does sound kind of "normal" and they all need to be taught boundaries etc. not just the girls but the boys, too. Plus I wouldn't be so sure the boys aren't interested in girls. Maybe they aren't but maybe they're just not vocal about it plus he could be enjoying all the attention even if he doesn't necessarily "like" them. Another thing... when I was that age, it seemed all the girls tended to have a crush on one boy in particular so you kinda felt left out if you didn't too. Silly, but it's what I remember.

I also don't think it's necessarily b/c of bad relationships with their fathers. Could be..but not necessarily. One of the most "boy crazy" girls I knew had a wonderful father.

[faiths13]

i have to say this is exactly the reason why i never post on DS except about diapers! some of you mamas are so rude it makes my blood boil! i dont understand why ppl feel the need to say whatever they want - ppl come on here for support, not to be bashed. and that is why so many ppl like me refrain from really participating in this community and what it has to offer. they dont want to be treated that way. you want to defend ppl who are judging these girls i wrote about, yet you are completely judging me!

i didnt come here to get beat up, i came here for support. if you dont want to do that, then please do not post in my thread. its just rude.

that being said, as far as playing vampires and having girls call him over and over - that is not my sons doing. i know the girl who wanted to play and i know my son. he would never ask a girl to suck his neck (at least who he is now). this girl would. she is just that kind of girl. she gets to do whatever she wants - that is clear. she did it with another neighborhood boy who is even more innocent than my son. and yes i said the word innocent. he's 11! he has no experience with girls in this way. this is the first time he's had conversations with texting, etc with girls. he isnt allowed to go over to these girls houses anymore. and it is the girls - he talks to boys from his old school and his neighborhood friend - completely different. no calling obsessively ever. no asking "do you like me, are you mad at me?" etc. and like i said, i have been monitoring his texts and FB. he rarely even goes on FB and I only originally got him an account to play a game. Its ridiculous to berate me for letting him have a FB account when that is not even the problem.

im sorry, im just so mad i couldnt fully read through all the posts, and im not sure i will continue to read this thread. this is the third time i wrote about a problem i had that i wanted actual real advice on that i got bashed. im tired of it.

[newbiemama]

Originally Posted by DalesWidda well, personally, as the mother of an 11 year old girl, I think that having a cell/facebook account at 11 is too young. Actually facebook is supposed to be 13 and older. Maybe if you limit the tech exposure that might help?

totally agreed. what's sad is 11 year olds are more like 15 year olds, in this age. I would really, really limit my 11 year olds access to social media. they just don't need to be exposed to that at this age. as for the girl who harasses your son, i would try and talk to the parents. not confrontation-ally, just casually remark that you know these two talk a lot online and text and maybe they should both back off for a while. i'd mention calling him at 11pm, that seems absurd.

[luvsviola]

I am a middle school teacher, and see this all the time in school. Kids are still learning what it means to be "dating" and courting each other.

As mom of the boy, I would be the one to answer his phone after 8, and politely, but firmly tell the girls that he does not accept calls after 8. I'll bet after a few days, the calls will stop.

I will bet that the moms of the girls calling all the time would probably appreciate knowing about the behavior. If it was my child, I'd want to know. So, if there are a couple that are consistently doing it, I'd probably either call or email their parents and let them know about it. If you don't have their contact info, you could call the guidance counselor at school and let her know, and then she can handle it by contacting their parents.

While I know some old-school moms may not approve of Facebook at that age, but it is a reality of the world we live in. Kids that age ARE on Facebook, and it is part of the social structure of kids in school. You can either guide your child to learn how to appropriately act on Facebook in these kinds of situations, or put your head in the sand and think "My child would NEVER do that!" while kiddo has a private Facebook account you know nothing about. I would choose to help my son learn what is appropriate, and when to ignore girls on his page.

[AfWife8405]

Originally Posted by faiths13 i have to say this is exactly the reason why i never post on DS except about diapers! some of you mamas are so rude it makes my blood boil! i dont understand why ppl feel the need to say whatever they want - ppl come on here for support, not to be bashed. and that is why so many ppl like me refrain from really participating in this community and what it has to offer. they dont want to be treated that way. you want to defend ppl who are judging these girls i wrote about, yet you are completely judging me! i didnt come here to get beat up, i came here for support. if you dont want to do that, then please do not post in my thread. its just rude. that being said, as far as playing vampires and having girls call him over and over - that is not my sons doing. i know the girl who wanted to play and i know my son. he would never ask a girl to suck his neck (at least who he is now). this girl would. she is just that kind of girl. she gets to do whatever she wants - that is clear. she did it with another neighborhood boy who is even more innocent than my son. and yes i said the word innocent. he's 11! he has no experience with girls in this way. this is the first time he's had conversations with texting, etc with girls. he isnt allowed to go over to these girls houses anymore. and it is the girls - he talks to boys from his old school and his neighborhood friend - completely different. no calling obsessively ever. no asking "do you like me, are you mad at me?" etc. and like i said, i have been monitoring his texts and FB. he rarely even goes on FB and I only originally got him an account to play a game. Its ridiculous to berate me for letting him have a FB account when that is not even the problem. im sorry, im just so mad i couldnt fully read through all the posts, and im not sure i will continue to read this thread. this is the third time i wrote about a problem i had that i wanted actual real advice on that i got bashed. im tired of it.

I did not see anyone bashing, in fact I saw phrases like "a touch bit in denial" which to me shows an effort to spare your feelings.

You received actual real advice - set boundaries and limit access to social media. That is were you have power, you cannot control the girls involved but you can control their access to your son.

I am not judging you as a parent, I just shared how we plan to handle this with our children (no facebook.) We did not arbitrarily make this decision, we feel there are far more negatives than positives when it comes to kids and social media/texting, etc.

[AfWife8405]

Originally Posted by luvsviola While I know some old-school moms may not approve of Facebook at that age, but it is a reality of the world we live in. Kids that age ARE on Facebook, and it is part of the social structure of kids in school. You can either guide your child to learn how to appropriately act on Facebook in these kinds of situations, or put your head in the sand and think "My child would NEVER do that!" while kiddo has a private Facebook account you know nothing about. I would choose to help my son learn what is appropriate, and when to ignore girls on his page.

They will not have phones with internet access or computers in their rooms, so I think it would be hard to be on facebook in secret. They would have to be on at the library or a friends house. I am sure that both of those scenarios (allow FB &head in sand) are true, but I don't think they are the only possibilities.

Besides, I am not going to go against what I think is appropriate because all the other kids are doing it and mine will probably want to/try to also. I don't parent based on what is easy to enforce.

[beautifulboyz]

OP, could be you have raised him to be sensitive and respectful of girls, which in my opinion is what mothers of boys should be doing. They probably find it easier to approach him. I have three little guys of my own and I often hear DH telling them girls and women are the most beautiful and soft creatures and we should be sensitive and respectful towards them. I also remember being boy crazy at 11. Maybe the transition from child to preteen? My DS1 can be playing rough and being wild with other little boys but when it comes to girls he automatically tones it down a bit. Back in preschool his best friends were two little girls. Just have a little talk about giving his info out and how kids at this stage can be.