How to deal with jealousy

[Lolobug]

Originally Posted by pine_apple_goat It's not that they talk about it, but it's the thought of it that gets to me. Just knowing what they did and being afraid that he wants it more from her than me. Make sense? I've been thinking about finding someone to talk to. Outside my realm of family and friends. I think it might do me some good since I self weaned from Zoloft about 6 weeks ago. I'm not sure if I'm completely over the medication yet or not. I just don't have the courage to make the necessary phone call.

I think how you're feeling is very normal. Be super careful, I know some people that have had lots of problems coming off Zoloft. GL to you!

[blathnat]

I'm also in a poly quad

I usually think of jealous as a red flag that I'm not getting one of my needs met. If I'm feeling jealous of another partner, then usually there is something else that I need addressed. Though sometimes it is just envy- they are getting this cool thing I want this cool thing too.

One of my partners wrote an article about poly jealousy management.

It sounds like you are also feeling frustrated by how busy your DH is... and that you aren't getting a lot of focused quality time- but you see him happy with his other partner so you want some of that happy time for yourself. That is totally understandable. Can you ask for him to dedicate some more focused time to you? I find that when I'm happy and feeling like all my needs are met- I don't feel jealous.

Also finding a poly-friendly therapist is really helpful. This is a great referral site for poly friendly professionals.

[pine_apple_goat]

Originally Posted by Lolobug I think how you're feeling is very normal. Be super careful, I know some people that have had lots of problems coming off Zoloft. GL to you!

Thanks. I've heard of quite a few problems too. Hopefully things will subside soon.

Originally Posted by blathnat I'm also in a poly quad I usually think of jealous as a red flag that I'm not getting one of my needs met. If I'm feeling jealous of another partner, then usually there is something else that I need addressed. Though sometimes it is just envy- they are getting this cool thing I want this cool thing too. One of my partners wrote an article about poly jealousy management. It sounds like you are also feeling frustrated by how busy your DH is... and that you aren't getting a lot of focused quality time- but you see him happy with his other partner so you want some of that happy time for yourself. That is totally understandable. Can you ask for him to dedicate some more focused time to you? I find that when I'm happy and feeling like all my needs are met- I don't feel jealous. Also finding a poly-friendly therapist is really helpful. This is a great referral site for poly friendly professionals.

I'm not sure if it would be envy.. I wish I could really find out what it is that is bugging me.

Maybe you're right about DH being busy and being happy with her and me wanting the happy time... maybe. It seems all business like when it comes to DH and I. It's like there isn't as much spontaneity as there used to be. I understand that we have a child and that life is way crazy at the moment. But, I'd love some more quality time with him.

How do you make sure all of your needs are met? I'm so happy that there is another poly-quad family here. How long have you all been together?

Oh, and I checked out the article. It's really good. Is that your partner's blog?

I also checked out the other link and the closest poly friendly therapist is about an hour from me. I'll have to give them a call and see what they can do. Thanks for the link!!

[blathnat]

Originally Posted by pine_apple_goat I'm not sure if it would be envy.. I wish I could really find out what it is that is bugging me. Maybe you're right about DH being busy and being happy with her and me wanting the happy time... maybe. It seems all business like when it comes to DH and I. It's like there isn't as much spontaneity as there used to be. I understand that we have a child and that life is way crazy at the moment. But, I'd love some more quality time with him.

Its no fun being the boring practical partner, when you see another partner getting the fun time. This is something I've definitely struggled with. When we all started living together not having set aside "date" time could be a real struggle. Whenever I don't carve out focused time with my partners it always feels like the chores and burdens of real life get in the way.

How do you make sure all of your needs are met? I'm so happy that there is another poly-quad family here. How long have you all been together?

Knowing how to get your needs met is tough. I think you need to think about what do you need to feel happy, safe, and fulfilled... and what is a want (getting a want is great but not getting it won't make you feel terrible) Not getting a need met wears down on you. You need to communicate those needs to your partners- I don't think it is their responsibility to always fix the problem- especially since sometimes needs can conflict, but I do think that communicating can help you find a workable compromise.

We've been together as a quad for almost 5 years. We bought a house together 4 years ago.

Oh, and I checked out the article. It's really good. Is that your partner's blog?

It is a website he write a poly column for. Its a great sexuality education site.

I also checked out the other link and the closest poly friendly therapist is about an hour from me. I'll have to give them a call and see what they can do. Thanks for the link!!

[pine_apple_goat]

Just letting you know I saw your message. When I get my computer I will respond better. Thanks!

[pine_apple_goat]

Knowing how to get your needs met is tough. I think you need to think about what do you need to feel happy, safe, and fulfilled... and what is a want (getting a want is great but not getting it won't make you feel terrible) Not getting a need met wears down on you. You need to communicate those needs to your partners- I don't think it is their responsibility to always fix the problem- especially since sometimes needs can conflict, but I do think that communicating can help you find a workable compromise.

This is what I think I'm having the most trouble with. Knowing what I need. I have a tendency to not put myself first for anything, I worry about everyone else and their needs first. I guess I will have to sit down and really think about what it is I truly need. I just need to get that time alone. DH and I are working on talking more, it's not the greatest but we are getting there.

[mommy2kaitlyn]

One thing I wanted to suggest is develope a relationship with the woman. I have never been in a poly relationship but from friends that have they say all need some sort of relationship with each other. Sister wives mentioned earlier are all friends outside of Kody.

Alisha I know how to spell my Samsung Galaxy S2 does not.

[pine_apple_goat]

Originally Posted by mommy2kaitlyn One thing I wanted to suggest is develope a relationship with the woman. I have never been in a poly relationship but from friends that have they say all need some sort of relationship with each other. Sister wives mentioned earlier are all friends outside of Kody. Alisha I know how to spell my Samsung Galaxy S2 does not.

We are friends, but not the closest. I'm trying to work on a friendship with her, but it's hard. Specially now that she's pregnant and her hormones are everywhere.

I did talk to them all a little bit tonight. I just voiced my concerns and they understand. I'm working on the communication. Slowly but surely.

[Lolobug]

Originally Posted by pine_apple_goat We are friends, but not the closest. I'm trying to work on a friendship with her, but it's hard. Specially now that she's pregnant and her hormones are everywhere. I did talk to them all a little bit tonight. I just voiced my concerns and they understand. I'm working on the communication. Slowly but surely.

Is she pregnant with your DH? I would imagine that would make it harder to deal with the jealousy, also. I get jealous of other pregnant woman- just because they're pregnant! Lol

BTW... Just trying to make sense of this. Are you involved w the other man or is it just your DH and the other woman?

[pine_apple_goat]

Originally Posted by Lolobug Is she pregnant with your DH? I would imagine that would make it harder to deal with the jealousy, also. I get jealous of other pregnant woman- just because they're pregnant! Lol BTW... Just trying to make sense of this. Are you involved w the other man or is it just your DH and the other woman?

She is pregnant from her dh, not mine. And I am involved with her dh as she is with mine.

I have told both dh and so that I am jealous of her being pregnant and me not when I so badly want another.

I'm hoping I will get over it or else I'm going to be miserable. I'm trying to muster up the courage to talk to her about it but it hasn't happened yet.