One year ago...

[j+csmama]

One year ago, nearly down to the hour, I walked into my m/w office for an u/s. I was nervous because of the situation under which the baby was conceived (super long background, short story, it was a married man). I knew I was about 9 weeks along, had been in major denial and not taking care of myself and the baby like I knew I should have been. I went back for the u/s and saw a little peanut on the screen. I immediately knew something was wrong when the tech turned the screen away and started focusing intently. My mw came in and told me there was no heartbeat. I had the option of a d&c or a shot of methotrexate. I took the shot, went home and in the coming days miscarried my baby.

I didn't realize that today would be so hard. I thought I had grieved this loss but my heart is so full of anger, sorrow, guilt, and grief right now. I have spent most of the day wrapped up on the couch in my sweats crying. I really want the pain to go away but I know it never will. I decided to give myself the day to grieve, to cry, be angry, and mope. Tomorrow I know I have to pull up my bootstraps and be the mom my kids deserve, the best mom I can be. I lost a beautiful child and that SUCKS!!! But I also have 3 amazing babies that need me and I can't wallow in my pain for too long.

I miss that baby. I am angry that it was taken from me. I am sad that I never heard its cry, got to hold it in my arms, smell the beautiful scent of the top of its head, feel its warmth against my skin. I feel so guilty because I was so irresponsible when I knew I was pregnant. I am so so sad.....

[mommabritt]

I'm sorry for your loss. Take the day to mourn.

[stevensmom]

I had my 1 year anniversary of our last loss on Wednesday. And it was really hard. Harder than the anniversaries of my other m/cs

[wordmama]

Oh mama, I'm so sorry. Maybe try writing a letter to that baby. Write out your pain and regrets. I know this process often helps me when I have heavy thoughts on my heart. Big huge hugs.

Sent from my iPhone using DS Forum

[amyltc]

I'm so sorry

[j+csmama]

I heard from the baby's father yesterday. It made my day even worse. Not only was I mourning the loss of the baby, I also relived the grief I felt over the loss of that relationship. Gosh, I never expected things to be so rough....