Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?

[Kiliki]

I have to add that my DH works 40 hrs a week and I stay home.

I think *PART* of this issue is that he views everything in the house as being MY job. (aside from repairs and major stuff).

He also has this weird idea that b/c he quit working at 5pm, I should too. Everything from 5pm on should just wait until tomorrow.

I have tried DESPERATELY to explain that this is now how it works. But he doesn't "get" it.

"Why CAN'T you just leave the dishes for tomorrow morning?" "Why CAN'T you just fold all that laundry tomorrow?" "Why can't you wait until tomorrow to change the sheets?"

or... worse....

"Well, how come you didn't do that earlier BEFORE now?"

[tallanvor]

Originally Posted by EmmaGM Honey-do lists have helped us to some extent. But it's the details that kill me. He'll wash the dishes, but walk away with little puddles all over the counters. He'll sweep the floor, but not put the broom away. He feeds DS, but doesn't wipe off his chair when he's finished and leaves every dirty bib just sitting around somewhere. And on and on.

Some of this, I think, is personality. My sister was like this for the longest time. Used to drive my oma absolutely batty when we would visit. It was as if she lacked the initiative to do all the things involved in a task.

I, on the other hand, just manage to forget all sorts of details because it's me. Several people in my life are convinced I have ADHD, but it seems silly to go get tested at this point.

[badmisterkitty]

I think in the case of having both sons and daughters, the division of labor is gender-related. Women work inside, men do trash and work outside.

My hubby always lived with a roommate. He's never had to take care of everything all on his own, but he used to cook all his own meals, do all his own laundry, etc. When we got married, I was happy to do all of that stuff for him. Why, why, why, why why did i do that? Because I wasn't thinking about how the workload would mutiply X 1000 when the kids came along.

I told him just last night that I'm working on clearing out the clutter, minimizing beyond the usual because if I'm going to be the one dealing with all the "stuff" around here I want less of it to deal with. I told him if something disappeared that he wanted, he needed to tell me. He kinda grunted.

[Mama*Kim]

Originally Posted by umphreysmommy I don't know.... How come I can't easily secure our furniture, or install the diaper sprayer, or trim the hedges, or paint the kitchen, or mow the lawn? I mean I could do those things but just as easily as my husband could make a dr's appointment. We all have strengths and weakness and that is what makes us a team.

Excellent point. In many homes there seem to be separate men's and women's tasks.

[iwiamandaiwi]

Originally Posted by umphreysmommy I don't know.... How come I can't easily secure our furniture, or install the diaper sprayer, or trim the hedges, or paint the kitchen, or mow the lawn? I mean I could do those things but just as easily as my husband could make a dr's appointment. We all have strengths and weakness and that is what makes us a team.

I think that is a cop out. I am more capable than my husband at doing all of those things.

[cdeweese]

I don't think they are ill-equipped as much as much as lazy DH CAN do everything I can (except grow babies and nurse them) but whether he chooses to is a different story. DH has even said, "We know that if we leave it alone, someone else will do it." Thanks MIL!!! I was even scolded (playfully) for "making" DH pack himself for a trip. He can pack himself for an 8 month deployment, but a vacation when I had a 9 month old and was pregnant?!? Oh no, poor DH! I thought his grandmother and mom would have a heart attack. He has gotten so much better since we've had our second child, but its because I hold him accountable.

[knodceo]

I think we "train" our men. I also think that they just don't notice details like we do. Genetics play a part but I think we have to take part of the blame.

I do most of everything pertaining to the house because it would otherwise not get done. My dh does things 90-95% completion and stops. I don't get it. I end up doing the rest because I refuse to be a nag

[umphreysmommy]

Originally Posted by iwiamandaiwi I think that is a cop out. I am more capable than my husband at doing all of those things.

Well that is good. I am not, or well I could do it but I don't want to. Give me cleaning a bathroom or giving kids a bath any day over mowing the lawn. It works great for my DH and I to have separate responsibilities and I would never say he is ill-equipped. If he had to he would step up but why does he have to? I don't take it upon myself to go out and trim the hedges or shovel snow.

[JennTheMomma]

I think there is more than 1 variable. How they are raised, society expectations and personality. If at a young age all you see is women doing house work, that is what you associate house work with, women. If you grow up having 2 involved parents and/or responsabilities, then you can grow up to be a more involved husband and father.

My DH had 2 working parents, both professionals. He and his sister were responsible for many tasks around the house. Both his parents cooked, cleaned, etc. So he grew up with 2 good examples. In college he had 2 roomates that did diddly squat. DH did, I'd say, 99% of the cleaning and cooking around the apartment. He was considered the "dad" of the bunch. Now that he is an adult and has a family he is involved in our boys' lives, helps clean, etc. He has some tasks that is just him, and I have some tasks that are just me, and then we have tasks we do together. I only have sons and they have tasks around the house. I think it's important for both genders to learn and grow to be independent so they can take care of themselves once they go to college and live on their own.

[DottieHarley]

Originally Posted by iwiamandaiwi Men are not going to grow up unless they are forced to...

But isn't this really true of us all? In many cases - for whatever reason - the ladies just "seem" to have grown up faster/younger, maybe.

I think some of it has to do with upbringing, and while we/our generation (am making horrible generalizations here) might be more into gender equality, maybe our parents didn't see it quite that way? Ie... My parents both WOH'ed and my mom would houseclean on Saturday mornings. I distinctly remember being required to help and that is where I learned methods of cleaning, clean vs dirty, and why to fold towels in 1/3rds :-) MIL was a SAHM and did EVERYTHING for her boys. To this day DH refers to the "laundry fairy" who continued to bless him with clean, folded, put away clothes in his 20's. I think my mother disavowed any relationship to my laundry when I started HS (and even before that, I was required to do 50% of household laundry).
So going into life, I was better equipped to run a house but comparing our upbringings is apples to oranges.
Now, DH still claims to have "not seen" the mess and clutter definitely does not bother him - but I think it's a personality thing as opposed to gender inability
I know that I can leave him with DD at the drop of a hat and he will feed, clothe, diaper, sleep, and interact with her properly. I don't even lay out her clothes the night before - he dresses her 100% every morning. Do I always looooove what she's wearing, no - but it's clean, weather- and age-appropriate, and matches. This is because he understands the importance and has internalized that this is his responsibility and he'd better do it right.
The advent of DD definitely raised the bar on DH's requirements around the house - and yes, he is required to multitask while with DD (I refuse to call it "watching" or "babysitting." It's his kid.). Is he as good at it as me? No - but again, I think it's a personality thing.
Am I enabling him a little bit, by not expecting 100% of the to-do list done? Maybe. But I also overload the list, knowing that he will not get to everything. And he knows that I will never, ever wash the car or remember to bring in the trash cans. We complement each other's strengths and weaknesses, and while we could "push" each other more, it's not hurting me to scrub toilets or DH to bring in the trash, but preserves marital harmony in the end.