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Old 01-23-2013, 12:43 PM   #71
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I wasn't taught many housekeeping/child care skills growing up and had almost no chores. We had no set chores it was just like once in a while my mom would say to do the dishes when she didn't feel like it. I did start doing laundry in my teens though.

The difference between me and my ex and me and my current S/O? I WANTED to learn. I wanted to be a good mom and wife. So I learned to cook and clean and run a household. I left home literally knowing how to make mac'n'cheese and ramen noodles. That's it. I would eat fast food every day of the week almost and boxed food all other meals. But when it came time to "play house" when I moved in with my now-ex, I figured I had to learn. We were both getting fat. LOL Slowly but surely the skills came. Now I'm not a fantastic cook now or anything, but I'm decent and if I put my mind to it, I can follow a darn complicated recipe (but hardly ever do that because I don't like to).

So I think it comes down to desire to learn. And I've found that many men will just not do stuff if they know someone else will. So if I'm around to run the whole house, my s/o isn't going to bother to learn. Now he does help out, don't get me wrong. And I stay home and he works. But if I died, the house would go to crap. My kids are not his bio kids, so he wouldn't have to worry about them. But if the dogs pooped on the floor, he'd call his mom or a friend to come clean it up. When we got together 4 years ago, his mom was still doing his laundry. He was 26 years old and living in his own apartment! I got him semi-comfortable doing laundry but then we went out and got a new washer dryer set and now we're back to square one.

He claims he can't cook. I know he absolutely could if he TRIED. But he has no desire to learn. He figures I will, and if I don't, it's sandwiches, microwave dinners, pizza, or fast food.

He does almost all of the yard work, thank goodness.

I'm totally training DS to be the most awesome husband ever. ;-) That boy is going to know how to cook, clean, do laundry, grocery shop, and sew his OWN buttons back on his clothes (pet peeve of mine....like, it takes 5 minutes and a monkey could do it!). I'm also training him to be a secondary caregiver for his sister. We don't know how long she'll live, but if she's still alive when I'm in my 50s he's going to have to help.

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Old 01-23-2013, 12:47 PM   #72
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Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?

I agree it depends on how they were raised and my expectations and dealing with what he does.

My husband and his family are hard workers, but they are slow moving (compared my family's quick type A pace). He tends to be slow and easy gets it done, but he is thorough, and cannot multi-task for the life of him. He is able to cook (nothing fancy, but its edible), clean (better than me), and fix things around the house. His main job (besides his full time one) is to bathe the kids, play outside with them while I cook dinner and do household things, wash his work clothing (because of chemicals and dust), wash dishes, trash and fix things.

We both work full time and most of the regular household things fall on me: cooking, most bills, clothing, shopping, doctors appts/meds and anything that really keeps the family alive and moving forward. We are a team and function as such...my only gripe with him is that he is slow in doing some things and cannot multi-task to save his life. When I see his family and how they function...it makes sense. I know that if I were to die the family would continue to survive and function...albeit a little slower than I would prefer, but they'd be okay.

I like the waffle and spaghetti analogy. My husband def. compartmentalizes and does one task a time, where I can cook, run laundry, and clean the kitchen at the same time without getting stressed out.
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Old 01-23-2013, 12:48 PM   #73
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Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?

I think it is a misreading of St. Paul to think he was dictating gender ranks. He was subverting these notions of his day in what he said. I think it is right for Christians to cry equality based on a careful reading of their/our scriptures. Christianity has tended to bring better conditions for women where it has spread to, but it has also brought or perpetuated certain oppressions. And we do need to rethink that.
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Old 01-23-2013, 12:58 PM   #74
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Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?

Just to clarify, as the OP, I do not subscribe to typical gender roles, DH and I both work full time and our earnings are almost identical. Not that it matters, but I have reason to feel like we should be able to manage the home equally.
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Old 01-23-2013, 12:59 PM   #75
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Because women don't give them enough credit....


I vowed never to marry a man that didn't do anything other than go to work or one that sat around playing video games all day while I did laundry and cared for kids.

Men are more than competent enough to do everything at home without nagging. The more women allow men to get away with doing nothing then nothing will be done. It comes down to setting goals and priorities early on in marriage and reevaluating them every so often so everyone is on the same page.

My husband works a lot, like 80 hours a week, from home. He still does baths, teeth, cleans toilets, bathes kids, lets me nap, drives my 3 year old to and from school, does grocery shopping and pays bills. He also does all the dishes, sweeps, mops and vacuums.

I make sure kids school is done (we homeschool) and the house is spotless so he can vacuum and mop. I do all the laundry on sundays and put it away. I handle most of the cooking, and baby care (nursing and nighttime shift)

We agreed on certain things prior to having children, like what roles we would have etc. I worked for 10 years while DH was a sahd, and he more than survived. Now the roles are reversed and some chores have changed but it is def. 50/50 around here.

If my husband came home from work and played video games for 4 hours while I did everything else he wouldn't be my husband anymore. Lazy men are lazy because they have had women doing things for them their entire lives, once that stops its surprising how much men are more than capable of.

I am so happy with the man I married, so happy his mother didn't wipe his butt until he was 18, and actually made him do responsible things.

My brother was so spoiled by my mother. Now he works from 7-2 comes home and sleeps for several hours, goes to band practice all night long and gets up and does it again....he never took part in raising my niece and nephew and let my sil do it all. He is more than capable but until the women in his life tell him that they won't carry his butt through life anymore he will continue to be lazy and distant.

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Old 01-23-2013, 12:59 PM   #76
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Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?

I don't necessarily look at it as a gendered issue...DP & I struggle with some of the same things. We just each have our strengths, which happen to dovetail nicely. Everything else gets overlooked, or else we'd kill each other

I do stupid stuff ALL.THE.TIME. DP goes out of town? I need a reminder to scoop the cat box. The plants almost certainly won't get watered. But dang if I don't sanitize the bathroom, pull every piece of furniture out to vacuum behind it, etc. I will absolutely walk away from a sticky counter or a dirty microwave & never even notice until DP kvetches at me. I do prefer to compartmentalize...but that doesn't mean that it's the only way I can operate, KWIM? It's just my comfort zone. And if I need to, I can multitask--in fact, I do it rather well, but it's not my default mode of functioning.

DP on the other hand? She's a multitasker. This results in all of the cupboard doors being left open from time to time, & sometime tasks don't get done quite as thoroughly as I'd like. but she won't notice that laundry needs to be done until she runs out of undies

Neither one of us plays video games or was coddled as a child. We both had a great deal of responsibility for our households when we lived with our parents...I really think some of it is genuinely personality. And our tasks get divvied up that way. I mow the lawn, b/c I do it, get it done, BAM! DP mows the lawn? It takes 3 hours & looks like a drunkard wandered around the yard with a mower...I think she's looking at butterflies or something. But all of those little things that need to be done day to day are a great fit. Scoop the kitty litter while waiting for the steak to broil, water the plants when you fill the coffee pot for the next day, things like that. I totally overlook them when going down my list of Things To Do. B/c I tend to do longer, more drawn-out projects, I think those little details just don't get prioritized, but they totally allow DP to go from one thing to the next to the next, ticking items off & being able to get things done in a chaotic environment.

And I don't think it's working vs not-working, b/c we both work FT. It's not as though home details are just related to that, as we both struggle with some of the same things as many of you, even though we're in different circumstances.
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Old 01-23-2013, 01:07 PM   #77
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Idk my dh does ok. There's been times I'm behind on laundry (ok MOST of the time where do all these clothes come from! ?!?) And he will grab the four baskets of clean clothes folded and put them away granted some may be in the wrong spot but hey he tried. He usually does dds bath routine bathes dries dresses makes her a sippy tucks her in. He will cook her an egg when she wants one (she randomly asks for eggs lol) he's not perfect but neither am I I think we compliment each other. If he sees somethin needs done like sweeping the living room he may do it or he may ignore. Meh he does well enough for me I'm a sahm so I feel a lot of things are my jobs but he steps in without fail if I need help I rarely have to ask
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Old 01-23-2013, 01:20 PM   #78
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Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?

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Originally Posted by Bellaroo View Post
I don't think it is fair to say that most men are ill-equipped to survive. -Our society has a horrible habit of making it sound like men are ignorant fools who are totally incapable of functioning or parenting on their own (those Daddy Huggies commercials are just one example). We raise our boys in this atmosphere and then criticize our husbands when they don't meet our standard. If my DH is less skilled in some areas (like seeing that the cutlery drawer needs to be organized) he certainly makes up for it in other ways that I would thunder-in on. We complement each other rather than each sharing the same skill set.

Also, even though we might see different things as being important, I am 100% confident that if I were to die my husband could step in and take over raising our son and that he would do a wonderful job.
This. It is exactly what I was going to say. And I also agree with escapethevillage, as we have a perfect example in my extended family of a man who was babied as a boy, whose parents expected nothing of him, and he now still lives with them as a 40-year-old and has no job, no skills, and does absolutely nothing. However... that's an extreme. And for the most part, that is not the norm, and I do not believe that most men are "ill-equipped to exist." I actually think that this perception of men being useless is a very unfortunate attack on men these days, and that it's a very sad assumption for our boys to have to put up with. In fact, it may be the reason so many boys do grow up into the "useless adults" we are describing... there is this growing mindset of men being incapable, goofy, lazy, mess-ups. You see it all over TV sitcoms. Could it be that this sometimes pervades peoples' mindsets and then they live it out, one way or another, in their family? Seems that way, like a vicious circle. I think boys need to be taught to man up and take on some duties (they thrive on that!), pick up after himself, help mommy with chores, and also help daddy with his chores as well, for a well-rounded man who doesn't feel entitled to everything and anything. Anyway, I feel like I got a bit off point as I had to go get the baby... but that's just my scattered .
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Old 01-23-2013, 01:24 PM   #79
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Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?

I haven't read everyones answers.

My DH is a prarent. He is not a baby sitter. He is very capable. I am also not the type of mother that has to do everything and never leave my kids with thier dad.

I really think many mothers don't give their DH's enough credit or never let them be a parent. Of course DH isn't going to do everything the same way I do and that is okay.

~He is the SAH parent at least one day a week
~He does morning duty every day--gets the kids up, dressed, fed, off to daycare/school on time
~does the grocery shopping
~Does the cooking and cleaning up on his nights off
~Takes at least one kid with him when he runs errands.
~Helps with all house hold chores
~is more than capapble of takeing them places all on his own, even out of town and over night.
~He has taken the kids to the doctor if needed

there have many many days where I get home from work on Mondays and the kitchen and living room are spotless and he has a list started for the store. Once I am home he goes to the store with the list of stuff we need for the week.

He finished up all the Christmas shopping for me this year and right before Christmas did the big last minute grocery runs for everything we needed.
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Old 01-23-2013, 01:34 PM   #80
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Re: Why Are Most Men So Ill-Equiped To Exist?

As a guy, I find it funny that I have similar complaints.
I used to be the cook in the family, but since DF went to culinary school and has been in the industry for a few years, she smokes me in the kitchen now. Other than that...
1. Laundry: Has to be sorted properly, folded efficiently, and finished quickly. I hate mixed loads, sloppy folds, or clothes left in either machine for more that 1/2 a day.

2. How to load a dishwasher. Granted I'm extremely organized and have good spatial understanding, but watching her or most women I know load a dishwasher looks like the result of a pigeon playing Jenga.

3. Making a bed. Hospital corners...nuff said.

4. Vacuuming, general tidiness. I appreciate a quick pick up as much as the next guy, but I don't put much stock in quickly throwing everything into any old bin and calling the place clean. I remember, as a kid, organizing my mom's closets for her and getting so upset when they were sloppy within a month.

5. Cleaning the toilet seat. I don't care if it's up or down, we each lose that battle so women have no right to it up, nor do I have a right to it down, but for crying out loud wipe it down. Yes ladies, sometimes the underside of that seat you always want down needs to be wiped! Maybe it's our weird apartment toilet with the high water level, but whatever.

6. Clean as you go. When I cook, the kitchen is 80% clean when the meal is served. A little bit of wiping up and it's finished. When she cooks, it looks like our sink is a restaurant prep kitchen and the countertops are a butcher's block. Drives me crazy.

7. Clean the car. Finish your bottled waters!

I could go on, and yes, I was raised by a single mom until I was 12 so I'm sure that has something to do with it, but sometimes I want to explode at the lack of general common sense and consideration exhibited by not just my DF, but other women in the workplace, etc.
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