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Old 02-12-2013, 11:37 AM   #11
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Re: Can't leave DD

My advice...she will only be a little baby for a few more months, so cherish this time. It may be inconvenient and confining at times for her to prefer Mommy, but it isn't a "problem" that anyone caused or that really needs fixing. It is absolutely stressful to try to soothe a cranky, tired, crying baby, so recognize that when you do leave her with your DH and offer him encouragement. My DH gets irritated with me too when he has a rough night with the girls, but it is good for all of them occasionally to work it out themselves. DH (and a lot of other Dads I know) seem to think babies only cry when they need to nurse, so he tends to pass her off if I am home and she cries. He is much more willing to take the lead with my 2 year old since he can talk to her and determine her needs. My kids always preferred me at bedtime as babies. It doesn't mean my DH didn't take enough responsibility or I didn't leave them enough. Babies want their Mommies and that is the biological norm. I agree that you could try to leave him with her at her happy times for short stents, mainly to build his confidence as a caregiver.

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Old 02-12-2013, 11:59 AM   #12
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Re: Can't leave DD

I don't think it's your fault at all, some kiddos are just born this way. Circumstances may encourage it a little, for instance you staying at home. BUT she would still need the attachment with someone, so it's best it's you. Or, she may still be upset even if you left her regularly. I've heard from several day care providers there are babies that just cry all day no matter what.

My first was nothing like this, in fact would prefer most of the time not to be held and when she was could care less who was holding her. My second was the total opposite and much like your dd. My husband didn't really like her (as awful as that sounds) or at least spending time with her for the first 12 months because all she would do is cry when he had her. We didn't do anything different between the two, they were just born different. It will get much better as time goes on but I know now is tough for everyone. Just figure out what you need to do to keep your sanity even if it means she has to cry for a little while. The rest of the time enjoy the cuddles and that she finds so much comfort in you.
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Old 02-12-2013, 03:38 PM   #13
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Re: Can't leave DD

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IMO...it means you leave her with DH regularly. Go to the groccery. Go for a walk. Go get a coffee. He needs to learn to deal with her, and she needs to learn that he can care for her too. He will learn her cues and to comfort her.
I have to agree with this. I have a Velcro baby and for his first 6-7 months he wanted nothing to do with anyone. I got some advice on here and in a local group that really helped in encouraged me to allow ds and his father to struggle sometimes. At first SO would try to hand him back to me so I would take really long showers or take the dog for a walk or go grocery shopping. I would make sure ds was fed so that he didn't need me for that reason, but then I would hand him off. was hard but SO is every bit as much ds's parent as I am and even though I am a SAH bf'ing mom they needed their time too (without me looking over his shoulder). Sometimes when I would come back ds would still be crying and I felt really bad for both of them, but now at 9 months ds is excited to see his dad when he comes home and wants his dad to pick him up immediately. I hated leaving him knowing how quickly I could "fix" it but I need time alone too. DS is still a barnacle but is willing to be with his dad sometimes too.

It's absolutely nobody's fault that your LO has a preference and you shouldn't discourage baby needing you and feeling safe with you, but in my minimal but very recent experience it will help to do what luvsviola is suggesting.
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Old 02-12-2013, 04:31 PM   #14
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Re: Can't leave DD

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IMO...it means you leave her with DH regularly. Go to the groccery. Go for a walk. Go get a coffee. He needs to learn to deal with her, and she needs to learn that he can care for her too. He will learn her cues and to comfort her.
This is what worked for us, too, but I'll add the caveat that if you want to set them both up for success, you should time your outings carefully at first. Don't leave just before bedtime when everyone's tired and frustrated; leave right after she's woken up from a nap and nursed and is in a happy mood. Start with being gone for shorter periods of time, and work your way up longer outings.
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Old 02-12-2013, 05:07 PM   #15
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Re: Can't leave DD

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This is what worked for us, too, but I'll add the caveat that if you want to set them both up for success, you should time your outings carefully at first. Don't leave just before bedtime when everyone's tired and frustrated; leave right after she's woken up from a nap and nursed and is in a happy mood. Start with being gone for shorter periods of time, and work your way up longer outings.
Yes, this. Some kids are just more attached and need mama more, some take to being cared for by Daddy a little easier. It will make your life a LOT easier if you gently start working on this now. This doesn't mean she won't still be an attached baby wanting to be worn all the time though. I say this as I'm sitting here with my very snuggly 3yo squished up against me lol. He was like that too, but eventually we encouraged him gently that Daddy time was great and also encouraged healthy sleep habits. He is still a very attached little boy and would probably love it if he still coslept and was worn (which we haven't done since he was a year). We are definitely an attachment parenting household...but we do set limits so that mama doesn't go crazy

It is totally okay to take care of your needs. That helps your baby too
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Old 02-14-2013, 12:38 PM   #16
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I don't mind her being attached to me at all. I love that she needs me and I happily hold and wear her 95% of the day.

Its just irritating that when I need to get something done or even shower I can't with out him coming to be within 5 minutes that I'm taking to long and to hurry up he has things to do.
Um hello I'm trying to shower my only time alone! And then as soon as I hurry up and get out he plops his butt on the couch and gets on his phone!!

I know its my fault partly too but ugh! I just really wanted to see if anyone else was in the same boat.
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Old 02-14-2013, 12:41 PM   #17
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And its hard for daddy too because he really wants his daddys girl but I know he doesn't know what to do with a small baby.

When shes walking I think their bond will be better cuz then they can really play
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Old 02-14-2013, 12:46 PM   #18
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Re: Can't leave DD

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And its hard for daddy too because he really wants his daddys girl but I know he doesn't know what to do with a small baby.

When shes walking I think their bond will be better cuz then they can really play
Must be hard to leave her with him when he's drinking all the time, no?
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Old 02-14-2013, 01:03 PM   #19
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Re: Can't leave DD

It took 18 months for my husband and boys to bond (for some reason it was quicker with my daughter and she really liked him), but handing her back every time she cries won't help.

They all adore him now and he is really close with all 3 kids.
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Old 02-14-2013, 01:11 PM   #20
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Re: Can't leave DD

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Originally Posted by luvsviola View Post
IMO...it means you leave her with DH regularly. Go to the groccery. Go for a walk. Go get a coffee. He needs to learn to deal with her, and she needs to learn that he can care for her too. He will learn her cues and to comfort her.
yup, this.

She won't die, she won't starve, and she will eventually fall asleep if she NEEDS to sleep.

Conversely, he won't melt, he won't explode, and he'll figure her out enough to be able to manage her without your help.

Babies involve a lot of learning, and sometimes that's not fun, but it's necessary (IMO) and just part of the territory.

My DS was also high needs. I co slept with him for his first 2 yrs of life b/c he NEEDED me.

But I also needed to leave. To not be constantly holding him, feeding him, rocking him, wearing him, nursing him, etc. It was just as important for ME to go have some time away as it was for him and DH to have some time without me around.

As far as your DH putting her down, I am not sure that's a bad thing. I think it's totally fine, and even GOOD for babies around your DD's age to learn to preoccupy themselves for short bursts of time. That's ok. As long as she's being properly supervised in a safe place with appropriate toys, it's totally fine, normal, and GOOD to put her down and let her explore on her own while your DH chills out. That's part of parenting, too.

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