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Old 02-21-2013, 07:10 PM   #21
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Also, this would be a lot easier if this were a normal, come over for a visit situation. But it's a bit of an odd situation to begin with. The relative is local but stays with us for days at a time. Typically three or so but occasionally as much as a week.

The smoke has been an (unspoken) issue since I first was expecting. I've dealt with severe morning sickness, and the stale unwashed smoke smell was a sure fire trigger every time. And having to be up close to that (oh my goodness, in a car, don't even get me started!), torture. Especially over the holidays when I was at my worst, and they were here for two weeks almost straight. I actually ended up in the ER the day after Christmas. Thankfully my sickness has tapered off to a very manageable level over the past month, but this still sets me off in extreme nausea. I just feel like no one has believed me or at least not taken me seriously about that problem.

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Old 02-21-2013, 07:14 PM   #22
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If they are local then why can't they go back home?
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Old 02-21-2013, 07:21 PM   #23
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It gets a bit complicated. But to make a long complicated story short, they absolutely could go somewhere else. But this is going to turn into a huge, messy, mad, hurt feelings situation I'm almost 100% sure. I guess this is just one of my first tastes of stepping outside my comfort boundaries to keep my kids safe.
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Old 02-21-2013, 07:26 PM   #24
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Sorry you're having to deal with this. I did too with MIL. I was very concerned with third hand smoke. We told her we would not visit her if her apartment smelled like smoke, we would not allow her in our car or home if she smelled like smoke, and she was not allowed to smoke in or around our house while staying with us. She followed our rules perfectly because we caught her one time. She got in the car one time smelling like smoke but swore it had been a few hours since she smoked. We didn't care, w kicked her out and left her. She always smoked outside her own apartment and would shower, and change into freshly laundered clothes before coming over or if we were going there. Funny though, DH didn't give a hoot about the third hand smoke, he just didn't like the smell and didn't want DD to think smoking was OK. My philosophy was, if I can smell the smoke then there are still chemicals on you. Also, don't let that person think they can cover up the smell with breath mints, air freshener , or hand sanitizer. None of those things remove the toxins.
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Old 02-21-2013, 07:28 PM   #25
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Re: 3rd hand smoke?

Good luck mama! I hate those hurt feelings times. Last Friday, I told my mom that she isn't going to be our daycare next school year. I was really afraid it was going to get really really ugly. She's watched our kids for 6 years. And, surprisingly, it went better than I thought. Hopefully, you and DH can share this study, and just say that right now, it is better that you stay somewhere else.
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Old 02-21-2013, 07:31 PM   #26
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It's so nice to hear stories from people who have effectively set boundaries, whether people chose to abide by them or not. I'm very thankfully I don't have to deal with any grandparent smokers. Though they might be the most driven to accommodate requests as opposed to other relatives.
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Old 02-22-2013, 04:23 AM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Musickmama
It's so nice to hear stories from people who have effectively set boundaries, whether people chose to abide by them or not. I'm very thankfully I don't have to deal with any grandparent smokers. Though they might be the most driven to accommodate requests as opposed to other relatives.
You would think since our DS is MILs only grandchild that that would be the case. Sadly, it isn't.
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Old 02-22-2013, 06:14 AM   #28
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Re: 3rd hand smoke?

My sister, brother and father all smoke. They just wash their hands/arms thoroughly after they come in from smoking. I have winter babies, so they are wearing heavy coats outside, otherwise they'd change clothes. I thought my dad might look at me funny when I mentioned it, but he hurried to comply. There is no smoking in our house or vehicle.

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Old 02-22-2013, 07:18 PM   #29
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Well I have kind of a good (and quick) update to this.

DH admitted that he thought I was making a bit too much of a deal on it last night. Then today, he had to go to someone's house for work, and they smoke. He said it was disgusting. He couldn't wait to get out, and immediately put his jacket in the wash when he got home. Obviously that's someone smoking in their house and it building up. But it was a bit of an eye opener for him.

He's kind of in the same position I am now though. He doesn't know how to best approach the subject, and doesn't want to start any fights. But at the same time knows something has to be said.

Personally, I'm of the opinion that this needs to happen before the baby is born, definitely. But bring it up now? Or wait to closer time? Or...? Obviously first we need to come up with criteria that we're both comfortable with. And that's going to take some talking out for sure. I think as soon as we decide what ground rules we want, we should go ahead and approach the subject with everyone we're normally around who smokes. (Which unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it, is just this one person.) That way when he gets mad, it'll give him some time to get over it before the baby is born. Plus will hopefully keep me away from it as well.
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Old 02-22-2013, 07:42 PM   #30
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Re: 3rd hand smoke?

I would just bring it up now, that way they have time to get mad and get over it before baby comes. I don't see why it would start a fight though, I mean, even smokers know it's not healthy and that they don't really have a right to be in someone's home like that and everyone is allowed to make their own rules.
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