Blech. I need some advice regarding appropriate consequences

[ajane]

DD1 needs a consequence for recent action(s). Her and her sisters have been horribly "picking on" each other, bantering each other, and hitting/kicking each other. Now, when I say hitting or kicking it is an action, not a true hit or hard kick. But, I don't even want the action to happen. We do not spank and I will not tolerate that type of action or behavior. This morning before school DD1 and DD2 were in a confrontation.....DD2 kicked DD1 (again, not hard where it actually hurts, but the action) and then DD1 hit (same thing) DD2. DD1 KNOWS it isn't right to act back and DD2 also knows that what she did wasn't right. They got caught up in the moment and lashed out without thinking first. I know it is normal for children to do this (their ages are 9, and 2 days shy of 7), but I want them to learn that it is not ok..........no matter what.

DD2's consequence for the inital action is a cancelled play date with a friend this week. But, I need something for DD1. I really am at a loss. She has an iPod touch and that was taken away last week for something along the lines of just not being nice to her siblings. Apparently, that didn't seem to work. I don't just want to punish them, but I want them to learn and work to be a better person who can think before they act and learn to understand others.

I have thought about taking her iPod touch away for an entire month, an entire month of no play dates or sleepovers (which would be really unfortunate since this is the only month of no swimming on Fri.) Sat. sleepovers are out b/c we go to church. I don't want her to miss out on that aspect of being a kid as a consequence since she is a year round swimmer.

I thought about her cleaning the house, but don't want her to think/feel like she is Cinderella. And, I don't really see it as a consequence or learning experience. As far as taking things away? She really isn't heart set on anything. She plays with different things at different times.

I know this is all sibling related and she would never even think about doing it to anyone else, but I also don't want her to think it is ok to treat siblings like that. I told her that dh and I were going to talk and come up with a consequence for her action and her lack of thinking before acting. So, she knows that something is coming. Ok....any advice.....suggestions?

[EmilytheStrange]

I'd get one of those big sibling shirts and make them wear it together. Or, alternatively, completely separate them where they're not allowed to be in the same room at the same time or something. The goal being to teach them to appreciate their sibling and playmate.

honestly, pretending to kick each other doesn't sound like something that needs a big, grand consequence. Actually hurting eachother would be different. Sounds like they're doing it mostly to annoy eachother and you. So, don't take the bait and make a big deal out of it. Just separate them. Or conjoin them.

[danner]

If you want natural type consequences, maybe if they can't get along, they can't participate in group activities together. Or the perpetrator is excluded from what would be a family or group activity. Usually antisocial behavior results in being segregated from other people.

[ajane]

Originally Posted by EmilytheStrange I'd get one of those big sibling shirts and make them wear it together. Or, alternatively, completely separate them where they're not allowed to be in the same room at the same time or something. The goal being to teach them to appreciate their sibling and playmate. honestly, pretending to kick each other doesn't sound like something that needs a big, grand consequence. Actually hurting eachother would be different. Sounds like they're doing it mostly to annoy eachother and you. So, don't take the bait and make a big deal out of it. Just separate them. Or conjoin them.

Actually, they already have them and DD1 especially always wears hers, so I'm not sure if that will help, lol.

They actually do hit and kick, but it isn't "forceful". I've tried ignoring it and not making a big deal but one of them comes crying. I don't think it is b/c they are really hurt, but more hurt feelings.

I do like Danner's post in excluding them from a family or joint activity. We like to be together and do things together so that might work.

[escapethevillage]

I, kind of think that it's a rite of passage to fight with siblings. I can see how it can go too far though.

I think i'd go all "Parent trap" on them, and force them to do everysinglething together for a few days. I'd give them tedious jobs that need to be done together, i'd make them sit at their own table for meals, etc. I probably wouldn't let up until I saw some teamwork.

[Tris]

Originally Posted by escapethevillage I, kind of think that it's a rite of passage to fight with siblings. I can see how it can go too far though. I think i'd go all "Parent trap" on them, and force them to do everysinglething together for a few days. I'd give them tedious jobs that need to be done together, i'd make them sit at their own table for meals, etc. I probably wouldn't let up until I saw some teamwork.

Yup. Mine are much younger than yours but also close, 15 months apart, and they duke it out. I think it's important for them to be able to work things out in their own way amongst themselves, and they can't do that if I'm interfering every arguement.
My H dislikes it, but frankly he's an only child and doesn't get the bonding that comes with the bantering and mock-fights.

[blackbirdmama*3]

When my boys were doing this all the time I used a cotton rope and tied it around them at the waist. They had to stay like that to learn to work together and not fight over every little thing (they were fighting over cleaning their room). They stayed that way until their room was clean and only were allowed to take it off to use the restroom. They actually ended up making a game out of it and having fun trying to do things while tied at the waist. It did help though.

[elizabeth.scalf]

There's a book called Siblings Without Rivalry. I have NO CLUE how it is but maybe someone here has read it? Or you could look at reviews? My two bicker all the time. I've been wondering too if there's something I could do to help.

[Nickel+3]

When I nannied my little brother and sister and they would bicker or not get along, I'd give them a chore or activity that requires working together. Once I made them write and act out a play about consequences and siblings who didn't get along. Once I had them do the dishes together, one was the washer, the other the drier. I found that those punishments did much more for growing their relationship than just plain old taking stuff away.

[*KaiMom*]

Originally Posted by Nickel+3 When I nannied my little brother and sister and they would bicker or not get along, I'd give them a chore or activity that requires working together. Once I made them write and act out a play about consequences and siblings who didn't get along. Once I had them do the dishes together, one was the washer, the other the drier. I found that those punishments did much more for growing their relationship than just plain old taking stuff away.

We do that with our boys. Picking up dog doodoo is a favorite. We also make them do pushups if they can't get along...we tell them they must have too much energy and need an appropriate outlet.