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Old 03-15-2013, 07:07 AM   #11
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Sounds like you will have plenty to keep you busy! I was thinking more of domestic infant adoption that can have years long waits...we were licensed with our first placement within 3 months of having our first interview! But that varies so much. Sounds like you guys have an exciting few years coming up!

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Old 03-16-2013, 08:31 AM   #12
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Re: Starting to research adoption and have a few questions

Just so you know, fostering to adopt can be hard! We have been licensed for two years and have fostered five babies. Same deal as you. Four boys and want to adopt a girl. "Healthy" is even more difficult through foster adoption because most babies come into care due to exposure issues, abuse and/or cognitive issues of the parents. We are open to mild health issues and any race. We have fostered our current baby since birth for almost 7 months now. We were the adoptive family for her once termination of the parents' rights happened, but we had a relative come out of the woodwork and now she'll probably be going there. You have to deal with bio parent visits and caseworker visits. It is a huge invasion on your life and extremely stressful. I'm too far in it to quit, but there's no guarantee we'll get to adopt our next or our next. We could be doing this two more years and still not get to adopt. Because we wanted to adopt, I regret not doing a private domestic adoption upfront. I didn't want to be waiting two years. Well, we're over two years in now. I do like fostering, but it's tough when you want to adopt. As for closed adoptions, they don't like closed adoptions here even in foster care unless the bio parents are really dangerous. So that alone won't make it closed. Also in many areas, you have a lot of contact with the bio parents while you're fostering. I've occasionally had to supervise a visit and be alone with parents at doctor visits. It can take a long time to finalize a foster care adoption. If you don't think you can love a baby for months as your own and then give them up, foster care probably isn't the route for you. Some have got lucky and were able to adopt their first placement, but don't be naive like I was and just assume you'll be one of the lucky ones. Most of us here have had quite a few placements and either not been able to adopt yet or it was after saying good bye to quite a few placements first.

So that's all negative. A few positives. It's free or low cost. You receive a stipend, Medicaid and WIC. You're making a difference. It is rewarding. Just horribly difficult.
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Old 03-16-2013, 11:27 AM   #13
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Re: Starting to research adoption and have a few questions

Yes to all the above!
We were able to adopt our first placement, BUT he is severely disabled (non verbal, non mobile, blind, tube fed, seizure disorder, uses 02, newborn level at age 4). He was placed with us at 8 months. He's the type of child who is available for adoption if u look on the "adoptuskids" type sites. He would've stayed with us forever as a foster child or been placed in a group medical care facility.
Since then we've fostered others who did not stay, our last being a newborn we loved who we were told would stay (never believe that in foster care) but a random relative who no one knew about came forward & he had to leave to go to her. We are heartbroken.
Fostering is wonderful. But if you just want to adopt, specifically one healthy girl, it may not be the way to go.
If you want to help children who need loving, stable homes, who may or may not stay forever, and who may or may not have health & behavior or medical issues, then it may be for you.
We've decided to not have more bio kids, so that we have space in our home to foster. We are willing to adopt again through foster if that's in the cards too. But you just never know with fostering.

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Old 03-16-2013, 12:48 PM   #14
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The ladies above have done a great job of explaining things. I just wanted to mention a couple things.

We have an open adoption for our son, and he is in every way OUR son. We do not co-parent with his birthmom. We are just in regular communication. We see her as a member of our family whom we love and its fun to share updates about Abraham as he grows and changes. She loves to hear how he's doing.

We were open to some special needs/exposure issues. We ended up being matched with our sons birthmom who was having a perfectly healthy baby boy who was going to be born prematurely. He ended up being born full term and very healthy (or so we thought). Turns out he had/has a list of underlying health problems that no one could have foreseen. We've been in and out of the hospital, we are at the dr all the time, he's on super expensive formula and medication. Meanwhile, a friend of ours adopted a drug-addicted baby who after withdrawals subsided has been perfectly healthy. You just don't know what will happen!

Good luck on your journey.
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Old 03-16-2013, 01:02 PM   #15
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Just wanted to chime in from the perspective of and adoptee if that's ok. If not just ignore me.

My adoptions was closed through catholic charities. My mom is in serious denial even still (I'm 26) that I'm adopted...she even told stories of "when she was pregnant with me" when I was pregnant. Yeah. But she saw the closed adoption as a safety net. And let me tell you it was horrible. I don't know if ou planned on telling your child that she was adopted or not, but I'd encourage you to TELL HER even if you do a closed adoption. I found out when I was in 8tj grade and it rocked my world...badly.

That being said, another issue with a closed Adoption is information. Especially through catholic charities! I had to jump through hoops for close to 5 years in order to get any kind of relevent medical data about me. It's a long shot that that would happen nowadays, but stil.

A open adoption wouldn't mean you are any less her mom either. I actually found my birth mom. I have a step dad and 2 sisters (half obviously) through her. But she's still not my mom. My mom...the woman who adopted me...is my mom. Despite how much I wished otherwise growing up sometimes...she's my mom.

Just my perspective for what it's worth. Congrats on your pregnancy and good luck!
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Old 03-16-2013, 10:03 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by kelpie169
Just wanted to chime in from the perspective of and adoptee if that's ok. If not just ignore me.

My adoptions was closed through catholic charities. My mom is in serious denial even still (I'm 26) that I'm adopted...she even told stories of "when she was pregnant with me" when I was pregnant. Yeah. But she saw the closed adoption as a safety net. And let me tell you it was horrible. I don't know if ou planned on telling your child that she was adopted or not, but I'd encourage you to TELL HER even if you do a closed adoption. I found out when I was in 8tj grade and it rocked my world...badly.

That being said, another issue with a closed Adoption is information. Especially through catholic charities! I had to jump through hoops for close to 5 years in order to get any kind of relevent medical data about me. It's a long shot that that would happen nowadays, but stil.

A open adoption wouldn't mean you are any less her mom either. I actually found my birth mom. I have a step dad and 2 sisters (half obviously) through her. But she's still not my mom. My mom...the woman who adopted me...is my mom. Despite how much I wished otherwise growing up sometimes...she's my mom.

Just my perspective for what it's worth. Congrats on your pregnancy and good luck!
Thank you for sharing. The voices of adult adoptees are invaluable to adoptive parents!
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Old 03-17-2013, 02:55 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by kelpie169
Just wanted to chime in from the perspective of and adoptee if that's ok. If not just ignore me.

My adoptions was closed through catholic charities. My mom is in serious denial even still (I'm 26) that I'm adopted...she even told stories of "when she was pregnant with me" when I was pregnant. Yeah. But she saw the closed adoption as a safety net. And let me tell you it was horrible. I don't know if ou planned on telling your child that she was adopted or not, but I'd encourage you to TELL HER even if you do a closed adoption. I found out when I was in 8tj grade and it rocked my world...badly.

That being said, another issue with a closed Adoption is information. Especially through catholic charities! I had to jump through hoops for close to 5 years in order to get any kind of relevent medical data about me. It's a long shot that that would happen nowadays, but stil.

A open adoption wouldn't mean you are any less her mom either. I actually found my birth mom. I have a step dad and 2 sisters (half obviously) through her. But she's still not my mom. My mom...the woman who adopted me...is my mom. Despite how much I wished otherwise growing up sometimes...she's my mom.

Just my perspective for what it's worth. Congrats on your pregnancy and good luck!
This is very, very helpful for as adoptive moms! Thank you.
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Old 03-17-2013, 05:15 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by kelpie169 View Post
Just wanted to chime in from the perspective of and adoptee if that's ok. If not just ignore me.

My adoptions was closed through catholic charities. My mom is in serious denial even still (I'm 26) that I'm adopted...she even told stories of "when she was pregnant with me" when I was pregnant. Yeah. But she saw the closed adoption as a safety net. And let me tell you it was horrible. I don't know if ou planned on telling your child that she was adopted or not, but I'd encourage you to TELL HER even if you do a closed adoption. I found out when I was in 8tj grade and it rocked my world...badly.

That being said, another issue with a closed Adoption is information. Especially through catholic charities! I had to jump through hoops for close to 5 years in order to get any kind of relevent medical data about me. It's a long shot that that would happen nowadays, but stil.

A open adoption wouldn't mean you are any less her mom either. I actually found my birth mom. I have a step dad and 2 sisters (half obviously) through her. But she's still not my mom. My mom...the woman who adopted me...is my mom. Despite how much I wished otherwise growing up sometimes...she's my mom.

Just my perspective for what it's worth. Congrats on your pregnancy and good luck!
Thank you so much for sharing. It is so helpful to hear the opinion of adult adoptees. Stick around!
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Old 03-18-2013, 11:00 PM   #19
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Re: Starting to research adoption and have a few questions

Thank you so much everyone!! So many things to think about over the next year!

Wynnebabies: How do your children tolerate the leaving of placements. My oldest wants a baby sister badly and I am concerned on how he would do if we were placed with a baby and then she was removed from our care. I plan to explain to him the whole time that we pray she will stay with us but someone else might get her too. I see this as the most difficult part of adopting through fostercare.
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Old 03-19-2013, 06:27 AM   #20
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Re: Starting to research adoption and have a few questions

They have struggled with that. Our first baby who left was the hardest, but now when/if our current baby leaves, it will be beyond difficult. They all want a baby sister so badly and adore our current placement. She'd probably be 8-9 months when she leaves and since we've had her since we took her home from the hospital, we will all mourn her loss.

Just noticed your boys are all younger than my youngest! It will be harder for them to understand. My youngest was barely three when our first placement left and he didn't get it.
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