Reply Hey Mom! Learn more about the Gerber Life Insurance Grow-Up Plan!
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-16-2013, 01:42 PM   #1
nana2peach's Avatar
nana2peach
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 463
My Mood:
Advice and prayers needed

My sil is actually my X-husband's sister, but we are as close as sisters, so I still refer to her as sil.
DD is actually my granddaughter that I raise, but I refer her DD.

My sister & brother in law have one bio child, and after more than 20 miscarriages, they decided to foster/adopt. They adopted 3 siblings that were SEVERELY abused by mom's boyfriend while mom watched. They officially adopted all 3 two years ago, but they raised them for almost 3 years before adoption was finalized.

22 months ago, their case worker called and said they had a 3 month old, African-American boy that needed an emergency placement. She made sure her husband was okay with it, he said yes.

Last summer, after having Baby S for 12 months, sil asked bil if he wanted to adopt baby S because if he didn't, then they were going to have to give him back because she and all 5 kids were getting really attatched to each other. Bil thought about it for a couple of days and agreed that they would adopt S when he was ready for adoption.

I was over there this past weekend and sil & bil were in separate rooms, which is out of the norm for them. Sil told me that bil wanted to give S back. He said that "he was more trouble than he's worth, give him back". Sil said she's keeping S, she's NOT giving him back. He's her baby and their 4 kid's baby brother.

Monday they were supposed to sign adoption papers, bil refused. Sil told him to pack his stuff and get out. Bil refuses. Sil is going to see a lawyer. She has been so stressed. DD & I have been at sil's house since last weekend. Bil is refusing to give her money for anything that is for S. I have him in DD's cloth diapers. He just turned 2 and nowhere near potty training.

I will be staying at sil's house for a while to help console her and the kids. The kids are SO, SO upset because they know they have to loose either their dad, their baby brother, or possibility both.

Bil is being a true a$$. He won't let Sammy in his room, tells him to get away from him. It is so, so sad when he's home. He needs to get out, but he said the cops are going to have to MAKE him leave. Sil has put all of her money into the lawyer and I have put all of mine in. Lawyer is being a sweet heart and going to start preceedings to get Bil out before he is paid up.

Sil can't ask her family to help because they don't want a black child in their family. (It choked me up just to type that) Sammy didn't ask to be black, he didn't ask to be abused, he didn't ask to be put into foster care, hell, he didn't ask to be born. Noone else wants him because he has a few problems due to being born addicted to drugs.
I am Sammy's nanny, and that makes it my job to fight for him. Besides that, he is my nephew, adoption papers or not.

This week has been really hard on the older kids. They all went to school, but bio son came home with almost all D's and F's on his papers. His dad punished him, no tv, no games, no computer, no outside for 2 weeks. Bil thinks bio is just being lazy and his grades are in no way a reflection of the issues going on at home. (This is an A B student).

I don't know what to do. Sil and kids are so upset. I don't know what to do to console them. Any advice and prayers are greatly appreciated.

Advertisement

nana2peach is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-16-2013, 01:45 PM   #2
nana2peach's Avatar
nana2peach
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 463
My Mood:
Re: Advice and prayers needed. Warning, LONG

Sorry, double post
nana2peach is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-16-2013, 06:00 PM   #3
chandni3
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3,339
Re: Advice and prayers needed

No advice just That is so so horrible. How can someone be so cruel to a little baby? Is this normal behavior for him? I wonder if there is something else going on with him, an affair, mental health issues or something or is Sammy a real handful? Will she still be able to adopt Sammy as a single mom? Is there counselling available for the children because they sure will need it and your SIL too.
__________________
Mommy to sweet daughter K Nov 2011 & N May 2013. Wife to wonderful husband D since Sept 2008. Always remembering baby J 10wks Missing baby Q 13wks

https://www.etsy.com/shop/PumpkinsandMe
Montessori and Waldorf Inspired Toys
chandni3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-17-2013, 09:22 AM   #4
nana2peach's Avatar
nana2peach
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 463
My Mood:
Re: Advice and prayers needed

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. This is out of character for bil. He is one of the few men I had respect for. I always thought he was one of the best dads/husbands I knew. He was always a hands on daddy from the time the baby was born or fostered. Example... Their adopted girls were 2 & 5 when they got them as an emergency foster placement. They got them straight from the hospital where they had had surgery to try to repair their vagina, anus, cerivex, and uterus. The Dr said the oldest of the girls chance of getting pregnant is 0%. The youngest DD has a 5% chance.
I told you that so you could understand how afraid of men they were. Bil won the youngest's heart 2 days after her placement. It took him about 6 months to win the oldest's trust. The youngest DD is so, so attatched to her daddy.

The only thing we can figure happened to change bil's mind was for Christmas, they went to bil's mom's. Bil had the 5 kids in front yard and an African-American preacher said hello to bil. After they left preacher asked bil's mom who the little AA baby was for. She explained the situation and said they were going to adopt S. Preacher asked why they placed an AA child with a white family. Said back children belonged with black folks and white children belonged with white folks.

That is the only thing that we know happened.

We don't know if sil will be able to adopt S as a single mom. Lawyer is looking into it.

S has some speech relay and is pretty clingy to sil, but no more than usual. He wakes at night and cries, then.climbs out of baby bed and into sil's bed, but this isn't new either. We don't really know what switched bil's attitude towards S.
nana2peach is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-17-2013, 09:44 AM   #5
Amandamama
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 373
Re: Advice and prayers needed

How heart breaking, I'm so sorry for your SIL.
I wish I had some great words of advice.

Fostering is super tough. I can't imagine being her & having to make the decision of husband or baby. I'd probably choose the baby, but for your marriage & family, it would probably be better to choose husband.

As heart breaking as it is to not be able to adopt a foster kiddo you love (I know, I've been there), in the grand scheme of things, a one yr old baby is easily still adoptable by another family out there.

But, I'd certainly try to convince dh & suggest counseling & obviously conversations with the case worker. They aren't going to let the adoption go through until her home life is stable. Which if she kicks dh out, is going to be quite awhile.
Amandamama is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-17-2013, 09:57 AM   #6
nana2peach's Avatar
nana2peach
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 463
My Mood:
Re: Advice and prayers needed

Sammy just turned 2. They have had him now for 22 months. Sil's family is all this little boy knows.
Before bil & sil were together, sil was raising 2 little kids. She had them from 14 months and 5 months of age. She raised them for 10 years, then their dad's mom decided she wanted them right before the adoption went through. Sil was crushed.
Bil knows all about this situation. This is why sil made sure when S was with their family for a year that bil was willing to keep S forever.
S turned 2 in Feb, and a couple weeks later announces S is more trouble that he's worth, give him back.
We are hoping bil is going through some mid-life crisis , and will catch his snap, and agree to adopt S.
nana2peach is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-17-2013, 11:45 AM   #7
Amandamama
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 373
Re: Advice and prayers needed

Ugh, that's awful, especially due to the back info.
It will be terrible for both SIL & of course the little boy if he has to leave.

It does sound like something's going on with him.. Midlife crisis, or something...
Hope he comes around.
So sorry.
Amandamama is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Copyright 2005 - 2014 Escalate Media. All Rights Reserved.