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Old 05-04-2013, 07:42 PM   #1
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I have another rant for today about my brother in jail

He went to jail in January for stealing. His best friends mother let him come stay with her and he stole every piece of jewelry in her house. Some of it was gifts from her deceased husband, heirlooms form her grandmother. It totaled between 20 and 30 thousand dollars. Before that he stole a coin collection from our cousin. So he has 2 separate cases in separate counties.

Basically his wife divorced him(because he stole some stuff that belonged to her deceased father) and he went from place to place to place living with friends/family for a couple weeks at a time. Each and every time they made him leave. He wouldn't work or when he did he didn't contribute to the household. A big complaint would be that he never bought food and would eat all of theirs. Ask any one of them and the biggest reason they would make him leave is money and things would come up missing.

He would worm his way in by sounding desperate that he just wanted to do better for his kids. He would bad mouth their mother and make people feel sorry for him like he was this great father just trying to get his kids from some monster. He uses his kids as an excuse with no intention of doing anything for them. The Christmas gifts my mother sent for them he took back to the store to get money/credit. He bought a car from a co-worker and never gave the guy money after the first payment. He promises the world just to get what he wants and never follows through.

I sent him $100 back in Feb plus another $100 in credit on his phone account. He called me 20-30 times a day asking where the money was. What I mean by that is he would call and instead of saying his name he would blurt out some short message. Even on the day of my birthday he called and called asking about the money but never once said happy birthday. When the money got there the jail took all but 46 cents because of booking fees, indigent kits, and ibuprofen. So he started the incessant calling asking for more money.
He calls begging me for $20 because he can't talk to his kids. he says things like "How would you feel if you couldn't talk to your kids for a month?" "Have you ever had to go this long without talking to your babies?" He got transferred to another jail last week and called me today and said "I'm in a new jail and have to start over. I have nothing. Send me something!"
Every time he calls I feel absolutely disgusted with him. I get so angry because he acts like we owe him something or it's our fault he has nothing and can't talk to his kids. He has been a thief since he was a child. I grew up hiding everything I valued because he would steal it. He found my moms check book once and wrote checks for pizza until the account got closed. I was with him one night(I was about 9) when he walked around checking peoples car doors and stealing stuff out of them if they were unlocked. He spent most of the 90's in jail for thievery until he met his wife. He didn't stop by any means he just stole on a lesser scale is my guess.
I try not to answer the calls but he must know somehow if I answer or not.If I don't answer he calls until I do then says his 4 or 5 short messages and then I can rest again. If not he will not stop.
I want to tell him that jail is meant to make you suffer and it looks like it's working. But knowing him he will forget as soon as he gets out and do it all over again.

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Old 05-04-2013, 07:47 PM   #2
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Stop enabling :-)
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Old 05-04-2013, 07:48 PM   #3
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Re: I have another rant for today about my brother in jail

Not sure on this, but I thought you could call the jail and have your number blocked somehow. good luck! at least when my brother is in jail, he knows not to waste his time calling me. unfortunately, he gets my parents to bail him out every time instead
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Old 05-04-2013, 07:52 PM   #4
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Can you call the jail and have them block him from calling your number somehow? I would cut him off completely. He is using you.
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Old 05-04-2013, 07:57 PM   #5
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Re: I have another rant for today about my brother in jail

I would have your home number changed and make it unlisted. As a pp mentioned you are enableing him. I can't remember very well as I sometimes have trouble mixing people up on here but if I am right when you are giving him money it is money you need for your own kids.
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Old 05-04-2013, 08:04 PM   #6
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Re: I have another rant for today about my brother in jail

Change your number or block him. You don't owe him anything. He sounds like someone you need to cut out of your life.
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Old 05-04-2013, 08:22 PM   #7
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Re: I have another rant for today about my brother in jail

I did block my number but he got a calling card and it uses a different system. He has a balance on the card but not enough to connect a call. it will let him call out though. I'm not changing my number because my kids know the number I have. The money I sent him was the one and only time and it was right when I got my tax return. I don't really think that is enabling him. If I did it again and again I could see that. My mother has never once bailed him out or sent him money and he does the same thing to her.
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Old 05-04-2013, 08:26 PM   #8
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Our brothers sound very, very similar, except that mine is an addict. Same immaturity, same feeling that everyone owes him, that all he needs to do is come up with a sob story. I've sent my brother money to keep him out of jail, though it doesn't always work. He will also call me several times in a row demanding money (though he is usually drunk when he does it) and using family as a pawn to get my sympathy. Yours sounds a bit smarter than mine. My brother isn't that good at fooling people, he gets drunk the first chance he gets and whatever act he was putting on falls right apart.

I won't tell you to stop enabling because frankly people say that to me and I hate it. I know it's meant with the best intentions but it feels like kicking me when I'm down. Yeah, my brother is asking me for money AGAIN, and making me feel guilty about stuff that is his fault, AGAIN, and I am trying to decide what is the bare minimum I can do to stop his harassment but not get locked into help I can't afford, AGAIN, and then someone tells me to stop enabling? Thanks.

Instead what I will tell you is the only thing I have found works for me in the past couple months:
- Answer his phone calls only once a day, no more, and only when you are calm. Do not ask him any questions, just let him say what he means to say and then calmly respond with "this is not a good time for us to lend you money." When he guilts you do not engage, just repeat that you cannot lend him any money. Hang up. Asking him questions invites him to lie to you, and ignoring him completely invites more harassment.

- Other people will continue to be fooled by him, you can't help that. Don't try to warn people about him, because he will find out and spin it as you being an evil sister out to harm him. Mind your own business and don't bother with his.

- No amount of money will ever be enough for him. You could send him a thousand dollars every Monday, and he would still call you on Thursday demanding more. He also will never love you for the money you send. I used to think that if I helped my brother out that he might start treating me like the loving sibling I wanted. He would, for a couple weeks, but then as soon as I closed my wallet he stopped caring. All I was doing was renting his feigned interest.

- If he were ever going to do what he says (get his life together, take care of his kids, stop stealing) he wouldn't need your help to do it. He would just do it.
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Old 05-04-2013, 08:41 PM   #9
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Re: I have another rant for today about my brother in jail

I wouldn't send him anything. Sorry, but we've sent all we can afford right now. Things are tight for us and our kids.

Put your kids first.
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Old 05-04-2013, 08:57 PM   #10
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Re: I have another rant for today about my brother in jail

Quote:
Originally Posted by Palooka View Post
- If he were ever going to do what he says (get his life together, take care of his kids, stop stealing) he wouldn't need your help to do it. He would just do it.
I may pass this little tid bit along to him

I don't plan on sending him anymore money. That's not even an issue. I just hate how e tries to make me feel like it's my fault he has no clean underwear(he actually called once and one of his blurted out messages was "I bet you get to wear clean underwear everyday") or can't talk to his kids. His tone is very accusatory. It's like he's saying "I can't talk to my kids because you won't let me"
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