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Old 05-04-2013, 11:22 PM   #1
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WWYD

I am having trouble making a decision and I need input.

So my husband is a disabled veteran. There are things he can't do for himself, but all in all he is "ok". He has a part time job he likes. But his physical condition is deteriorating and in a year or so he may not be able to work. And the things he can do for himself now, may not be possible then.
Aside from physical issues he has severe PTSD. And our marriage is suffering. We are in counseling, but because of my schedule we can't always make the appointments. My job is hard, bc schedule changes get made often and days I have "off" sometimes get changed last minute.
I HATE my job. HATE it. I work for a bank, but lately it feels like telemarketing. I spend at least an hour a day calling customers and offering them crap they don't need. I have a sales goal, which I meet every quarter. But we have a new manager and 100% is not good enough. We have to meet the goal at 150%. And if we are not "on track" we have to stay till 6:30 (2 hours after close) on a Monday to make MORE calls. And I hate it. I took the job because the hours worked for me, the 6:30 thing does NOT. Dh works nights and needs to be in bed by 7.
Here's the thing. Apparently the VA has a Caregiver program. Basically I am his primary caregiver, and the VA would give me a monthly stipend as compensation for the things I have to do for him. They asked us to apply, I guess bc it is not a well known program, and they need more people to use it on order to keep receiving funding, so I did. We will find out in 6 weeks or so if I qualify.
If I do, dh wants me to quit my job. I am struggling with that. Yes I hate it, but it makes me feel like I am contributing. So I said, I will leave the bank at the end of the school year. Actually after the first week of July, because if I leave at the end of June my co-worker won't get her vacation bc there will be no one there who knows how to do her job, which I do. And I won't do that to her, that would be crappy. I am thinking I can stay home for the summer with the kids, and then find a small less stress part time job in the fall. I don't have kids at home during the school year so I don't need to be home all the time, but I think dh would rather I am home all the time. He doesn't like to be alone....he starts to think and then the PTSD gets worse....in February we had to have him admitted for suicidal thoughts.
WWYD? Stay home because you dh wants you there? Or get a part time job elsewhere bc you would feel better? I could still get out of the house...dh gets home around 11AM so I could go to the gym or something after the kids get on the bus just to get out and do something....I guess because I did the whole SAHM thing for 7 years I am not really jumping at the bit the stay in the house all day again...*sigh*

Opinions please?

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Old 05-04-2013, 11:38 PM   #2
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Re: WWYD

I think you need a break from the stress. I would get the part time less stressful job and see if it isn't possible to have someone come in who can be with your husband while you are working.
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Old 05-04-2013, 11:38 PM   #3
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Re: WWYD

That's a lot to digest -- to you because it's not an easy choice at all!

What would I do...I think I would hate the pressure from that bank job, and having to meet 150% goals. That is ridiculous; they should either raiser or lower your goal so that you can realistically achieve 100%. And I am not really into cold-calling, so I would probably have already left that job by now

But, especially, if the only reason I was working that job was for the HOURS that fit my schedule, and they were not longer fitting my schedule (not b/c my schedule changed but b/c the JOB changed), then I would probably set up a meeting with management to address the issue. That I NEEDED the hours that fit my schedule, and if they couldn't do that for me then my resignation date would be "xyz"

And after leaving, I would probably just stay home to be the caregiver. With the caregiver stipend, assuming you receive it, you ARE contributing. I would try to volunteer a a few hours/day maybe 2-3 days/week, too. That is contributing to the community and can feel very rewarding, moreso than a job that you don't enjoy.
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Old 05-04-2013, 11:42 PM   #4
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Re: WWYD

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Originally Posted by boysniris View Post
That's a lot to digest -- to you because it's not an easy choice at all!

What would I do...I think I would hate the pressure from that bank job, and having to meet 150% goals. That is ridiculous; they should either raiser or lower your goal so that you can realistically achieve 100%. And I am not really into cold-calling, so I would probably have already left that job by now

But, especially, if the only reason I was working that job was for the HOURS that fit my schedule, and they were not longer fitting my schedule (not b/c my schedule changed but b/c the JOB changed), then I would probably set up a meeting with management to address the issue. That I NEEDED the hours that fit my schedule, and if they couldn't do that for me then my resignation date would be "xyz"

And after leaving, I would probably just stay home to be the caregiver. With the caregiver stipend, assuming you receive it, you ARE contributing. I would try to volunteer a a few hours/day maybe 2-3 days/week, too. That is contributing to the community and can feel very rewarding, moreso than a job that you don't enjoy.
I tried explaining to my manager about the hours not working for me. I explained to her that one of the reasons was my husbands work schedule, and especially in the spring it just does not work bc I have 3 girls who play softball and I have to bring them. He can't. She didn't really care

I never thought about volunteering. I could do that at the kids school, maybe the library...where else??
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Old 05-04-2013, 11:46 PM   #5
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Re: WWYD

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I think you need a break from the stress. I would get the part time less stressful job and see if it isn't possible to have someone come in who can be with your husband while you are working.
Part of dh's issues are he is not pleasant. He doesn't like strangers, and he doesn't have a filter. He comes off as rude to a lot of people. Once you get to know him you see it's not intentional. The man is just very blunt. Maybe I could try the VFW and see if there's a vet who has free time during the day? He would tolerate that best I think....I will look into that!
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Old 05-04-2013, 11:56 PM   #6
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Re: WWYD

Long shot...does he like taking care of animals? Voluntary work at the local SPCA? Maybe being with animals would lessen his roughness?
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Old 05-05-2013, 12:03 AM   #7
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Re: WWYD

I agree that if you are a caregiver, you ARE contributing. Unless you need the money a part time job would bring (if it's more than the caregiver's stipend) then I would just do the caregiver thing work-wise and volunteer or go to the gym or take a class at your local college or something to get out of the house. It's a great idea to try and find a vet to be his companion while you're gone if you can. You need to minimize your stress as much as possible, especially if taking care of your dh gets more difficult in the future. Good luck with whatever you decide!
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Old 05-05-2013, 12:20 AM   #8
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Long shot...does he like taking care of animals? Voluntary work at the local SPCA? Maybe being with animals would lessen his roughness?
Honestly by the time he gets home from work he is a wreck. In a lot of pain, very tired....I don't think finding more stuff for him to do would be good at this point. I thought about getting him a therapy dog. They do that for vets with PTSD but we rent and I don't think the landlord would allow it. We barely got her to allow the cats

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Old 05-05-2013, 12:22 AM   #9
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Re: WWYD

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Originally Posted by PailPowder View Post
Honestly by the time he gets home from work he is a wreck. In a lot of pain, very tired....I don't think finding more stuff for him to do would be good at this point. I thought about getting him a therapy dog. They do that for vets with PTSD but we rent and I don't think the landlord would allow it. We barely got her to allow the cats

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If it is a therapy dog I don't think she can legally deny it. Could be wrong though. But this has always been my understanding.
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Old 05-05-2013, 12:23 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by winterhaven0417
I agree that if you are a caregiver, you ARE contributing. Unless you need the money a part time job would bring (if it's more than the caregiver's stipend) then I would just do the caregiver thing work-wise and volunteer or go to the gym or take a class at your local college or something to get out of the house. It's a great idea to try and find a vet to be his companion while you're gone if you can. You need to minimize your stress as much as possible, especially if taking care of your dh gets more difficult in the future. Good luck with whatever you decide!
Well my goal would be to find a part time job making just enough to supplement the difference between the stipend and my job now. I would Love to go back to school. I have been thinking about going in to law, but I keep telling myself I missed that ship and I am too old now. But I can't think of anything else I would want to do school wise.... I like criminal justice type jobs. I always thought working for a crime scene unit would be interesting.... I have a lot of thinking/ decision making to do. I just feel overwhelmed

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