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Old 05-10-2013, 11:15 AM   #21
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There are extremists in everything.
While my personal feeling is that in most situations,baby's well being MUST come before a parent's, I have personally been in (breastfeeding) situations such as two PP described - I could not properly bond, nurture, love, and care for my children and I was in extreme physical and emotional distress over "putting their need first." I wanted to do what I was doing for them, but in the end it was healthier for me to do things a different way, for myself and my children. In my particular breastfeeding journey I was also getting physically ill. I spent some time in the hospital with one child, attempting to provide him only breastmilk, and my first child caused permanant damage to my body by continuing to fight to nurse him.
Sometimes, you have to find a comfortable compromise, and that may or may not agree with what another parent's idea of "putting baby's needs first" is. This does not just relate to breastfeeding, it relates to every single decision a parent makes for their children and for themselves while they are parents.
Are there some parents that just should not have children? Of course, but making a valid attempt in any situation to provide for your child first is what should be strived for and recognized, and MUCH more supported than it is in our country. Only with education and support can we achieve better for everyone.

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Old 05-10-2013, 11:17 AM   #22
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Re: "you gatta do what's best for you!"... really?!?!

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Originally Posted by escapethevillage View Post
It's about the whole family. Not about one child. The parents who think they are "doing what's best for the child" are often NOT indeed doing what's best for the child.

The other day, I was eating my organic celery sticks with almond butter and organic raisins, while shopping in the thrift store for a new wardrobe, and I saw a mom using a bottle to feed her child and she had the baby in a carseat in the front of the cart, and the baby was wearing a nasty sposie. So, I informed her that she wasn't parenting in the way that was best for her child. I tried to show her the second hand baby carriers that she could use instead of a bucket seat, and suggested she try to relactate. The baby then started crying, and I was shocked that she seemed unfazed by her crying.

I was also horrified that this poor child was wearing all pink and her shirt said "Princess" on it... I guided her toward the gender neutral clothing, and she said "I like pink". *disgusted eye roll*

I'm pretty sure the baby was crying because her parents are forcing a gender on her.

The other children (who had clearly just come from daycare and public school) looked dead inside, like their souls had been crushed. The boy was wearing a tshirt that said "Daddy's little football player" and I could tell he wanted that pink princess wand in the toy section, but they wouldn't buy it.


^^^^^think you covered all of DS 101 right there "what not to say" Did you forget to mention how easy homeschooling is?





OP - meh.....BF was easy peasy to me, easy babies too......I'm fully aware that this is not the "norm" and often BF and colicky/special needs baby make things very difficult. I think it's very important to have a happy mom, so whatever those choices may be. I'll keep my judgement hat on for more important issues in the world.
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Old 05-10-2013, 11:17 AM   #23
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Re: "you gatta do what's best for you!"... really?!?!

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I was listening to a debate about breastfeeding. the woman opposing was saying that it isn't for everyone and "you (mom) gatta do what's best for you." REALLY!??! regarding things like breastfeeding, vaccinations, discipline, and yes, even crying-it-out... do you as a mom really "gatta do what's best for you"... shouldn't you be doing what's best for the child?!?!/ is this just mainstream parenting thoughts? does or should every mom really be doing what's best for themselves? is it just an attachment parenting thing to always strive to do what's best for the child??!
No I think it's just that people who refuse the "mainstream" label choose to assume the worst of those who don't refuse it. In this case, the word "YOU" is clearly referring to it's plural and general form. It does not automatically mean that everyone who refuses to consider using the attachment pareting label never put their kids first.
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Old 05-10-2013, 11:20 AM   #24
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Re: "you gatta do what's best for you!"... really?!?!

If parents were doing it "all for their child" the whole uppity "my parenting techniques are better than yours" wouldn't happen. What works for some doesn't for others. I know as a sahm my mental and physical health has a direct correlation with the happiness of my children. To do something that would make me less would hurt my parenting.

Sure we make sacrifices for parenting, our whole lives change. But if bottle feeding formula (oh the horror) makes my family and me better as a whole, why should I be knocked for that? Not everyone breastfeeds and I would rather feed my baby formula over some one else's breast milk. That's me. I really could care less what someone else does. As long as the baby is thriving and healthy, the mother can be her best, that is what matters.
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Old 05-10-2013, 11:29 AM   #25
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Re: "you gatta do what's best for you!"... really?!?!

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I think the whole "doing what's best for you" is a broader concept than a parent thinking just about themselves. It is what works for you, the collective and not you the single person.

ETA: I also think putting children first in everything all the time has negative consequences. There are times when a mother putting herself first has merits.
My thoughts exactly.

What's best for the child is subjective though.

Quote:
breastfeeding, vaccinations, discipline, and yes, even crying-it-out
The above examples-including breastfeeding-are debated on this very board.
Do I breastfeed even though it means I can't take my meds that keep me from PPD/PPP?
Is it best to vaccinate or not? If so, when and what order?
What sort of discipline is really the best/acceptable?
Is crying it out ever ok? Oh, wait, what's the definition of crying it out and exactly what age does it cease to be cry it out and start to be a kid being mad they can't have their way?

Nothing is black and white for the whole world when it comes to parenting save neglect and abuse. Even then it's hard to establish a hard line when it goes to unacceptable.

The furthur I get into this parenting thing and the more kids I have, the more I realize it's NOT all about the kid. It's about helping the kid fit into a family unit and then into society at large.

We have a saying around our house: It's not all about you. My 4.5yo DS2 cracked me up a few days ago when he sternly told ME, "Mommy, it's not all about you. It's about me. And it's about Thomas and Gloria and Daddy. Oh, and the baby. It's about her, too."
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Old 05-10-2013, 11:52 AM   #26
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Re: "you gatta do what's best for you!"... really?!?!

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Originally Posted by newbiemama View Post
I was listening to a debate about breastfeeding. the woman opposing was saying that it isn't for everyone and "you (mom) gatta do what's best for you." REALLY!??! regarding things like breastfeeding, vaccinations, discipline, and yes, even crying-it-out... do you as a mom really "gatta do what's best for you"... shouldn't you be doing what's best for the child?!?!/ is this just mainstream parenting thoughts? does or should every mom really be doing what's best for themselves? is it just an attachment parenting thing to always strive to do what's best for the child??!
No, it's not. It's what's best for the family as a whole. If mom's a neurotic wreck who can't sleep, nipples bleeding, whole body aching, thinking dark thoughts about her baby, is it really best for her and baby to continue breastfeeding? One could argue that breastmilk is best, but if mom feels like she's teetering on the edge of madness, perhaps formula is a lesser evil than mommy going insane trying to breastfeed.

Frequently what ends up being best for mommy and the family ultimately ends up being best for baby. If mommy can sleep, and feels like a sane person, she can better cuddle with baby having her bottle, and take baby places and generally being a better parent. Formula may be an inferior choice when we look at it outside of the context of the situation, but in the context of how that family is working, it's the better choice. No choice exists in a vacuum.

And in case you missed the subtle clues, that was my experience with my oldest. After some mental birth trauma, and an excruciatingly painful first few weeks of breastfeeding which ultimately led to bouts of blindness when she latched, I though I was going insane. I couldn't even sleep when DH took baby out of the house to let me rest. I wanted so badly to breastfeed, but I felt that holding onto my sanity was the better choice. She became a different baby, and I became a better mom when I let breastfeeding go and actually started to enjoy my baby. Happily, I was able to breastfeed her sister without that kind of issue, we just celebrated her first birthday a few weeks ago and we're still nursing, but in that place and time, formula was the right choice, no matter what anyone says.
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Old 05-10-2013, 12:01 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by Computermama

No, it's not. It's what's best for the family as a whole. If mom's a neurotic wreck who can't sleep, nipples bleeding, whole body aching, thinking dark thoughts about her baby, is it really best for her and baby to continue breastfeeding? One could argue that breastmilk is best, but if mom feels like she's teetering on the edge of madness, perhaps formula is a lesser evil than mommy going insane trying to breastfeed.

Frequently what ends up being best for mommy and the family ultimately ends up being best for baby. If mommy can sleep, and feels like a sane person, she can better cuddle with baby having her bottle, and take baby places and generally being a better parent. Formula may be an inferior choice when we look at it outside of the context of the situation, but in the context of how that family is working, it's the better choice. No choice exists in a vacuum.

And in case you missed the subtle clues, that was my experience with my oldest. After some mental birth trauma, and an excruciatingly painful first few weeks of breastfeeding which ultimately led to bouts of blindness when she latched, I though I was going insane. I couldn't even sleep when DH took baby out of the house to let me rest. I wanted so badly to breastfeed, but I felt that holding onto my sanity was the better choice. She became a different baby, and I became a better mom when I let breastfeeding go and actually started to enjoy my baby. Happily, I was able to breastfeed her sister without that kind of issue, we just celebrated her first birthday a few weeks ago and we're still nursing, but in that place and time, formula was the right choice, no matter what anyone says.



Moms are still human like anyone else. I don't agree with this "it's all about your baby" mentality, which I find dismissive of women and setting them up to fail. No one can be this super-human, selfless biological machine, birthing and nursing and cosleeping perfectly into eternity without any complaint or desire to fulfill her own needs. I am equally troubled by the "it's all about me" mindset that ultimately harms marriages and children without making the individual truly happy. The only hope I have (personally) is with my family, and my decisions need to be made with the good of my family in mind. Putting mom through hell to breastfeed? Not good for the family.
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Old 05-10-2013, 12:05 PM   #28
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Re: "you gatta do what's best for you!"... really?!?!

I could not imagine a life in which my needs or wants were never the top priority - nor could I imagine myself always being the top priority.

Sometimes our family makes sacrifices for me, sometimes for DH, sometimes for an individual child. Why should it be any other way?
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Old 05-10-2013, 12:16 PM   #29
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Re: "you gatta do what's best for you!"... really?!?!

I was thinking about this in the perspective of having one child versus now having three. My views were way different even just 3 years ago. And as we added more kids, my views changed more than I would have ever expected. It's not black and white and it's not even the same from one kid to the next. If I catered to all of my kids the way I catered to my first when she was an only child (and by catered, I mean fulfilling wants, needs, and everything in between) I would be run ragged every single day to the point of complete madness. Like true insanity.
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Old 05-10-2013, 12:24 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by escapethevillage View Post

It's about the whole family. Not about one child. The parents who think they are "doing what's best for the child" are often NOT indeed doing what's best for the child.

The other day, I was eating my organic celery sticks with almond butter and organic raisins, while shopping in the thrift store for a new wardrobe, and I saw a mom using a bottle to feed her child and she had the baby in a carseat in the front of the cart, and the baby was wearing a nasty sposie. So, I informed her that she wasn't parenting in the way that was best for her child. I tried to show her the second hand baby carriers that she could use instead of a bucket seat, and suggested she try to relactate. The baby then started crying, and I was shocked that she seemed unfazed by her crying.

I was also horrified that this poor child was wearing all pink and her shirt said "Princess" on it... I guided her toward the gender neutral clothing, and she said "I like pink". *disgusted eye roll*

I'm pretty sure the baby was crying because her parents are forcing a gender on her.

The other children (who had clearly just come from daycare and public school) looked dead inside, like their souls had been crushed. The boy was wearing a tshirt that said "Daddy's little football player" and I could tell he wanted that pink princess wand in the toy section, but they wouldn't buy it.
Rofl

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